Content, But Not Satisfied

“There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’ "

Sometimes it is good to be unsatisfied. That's what keeps us looking, motivated and 'in the game' of life. There are some things I want very much, and don't know how to attain.

I want to quit smoking. Period. I've read all the crap on the subject, can list a hundred reasons why, have tried the tools out there, and still can't quit. But quitting smoking is something I hunger for as the ground thirsts for water.

I want to be more comfortable socially. I always feel like I don't belong. At church, at the bars, at dinner with strangers, in about any social situation to which I have not been invited for a specific, known purpose. I think there's a name for this...'social anxiety disorder'. I think I have a not-so-mild case of it. Probably comes from trying to live a life for many years when I knew I didn't belong - and knew why. Now I just know I don't fit in and have no clue why. Others feel this way too and overcome it with alcohol. That doesn't work for me. It just makes me depressed and sleepy.

I want to be successful in business. I tried for 19 years, and never failed. But I wasn't all that successful either. I have an important position at my current company, but it's not mine. I'm hungry to be in business again, in a profitable business that positively impacts lives somehow. And I'm hungry to succeed at it.

I want to see better. I know everyone has their shortcomings, and I do what I can to compensate for mine - and I haven't done a bad job. But I want to be able to see the things everyone else sees. Health sciences has no answers. But I still want it.

I want to find someone to share life with that I can connect with and who can connect with me. Everybody wants that until they either find it, or become so bitter, cynical and jaded that they decide they don't want it at all. Most gay guys my age (that I've met anyway) are pretty much there. I'm not. And this is something I'm hungry for.

I don't really know what to do about any of these things. But I think it's good that I still want them. I don't mind working through my handicaps, but I'm not giving in to them either.

I think that's healthy, just as a fire is healthy as it seeks new fuel. Sometimes I really just want to be satisfied. But today, I'm glad to still be a little hungry.

"No, We're Going To Pass"

"None of us is as smart as all of us."

As a followup to Thursday's post, my answer concerning the decision we need to make is, "Yes. Go For It."

But the consensus - and therefore the decision - is, "No. We're going to pass".

The consensus is that our infrastructure cannot handle the additional responsibilities and work flow at this time. No matter how well a bridge is constructed, if you put too much weight on it, it will collapse.

The consensus is that resources are better placed in acquiring assets (inventory) just now rather than people. People involve risk. Inventory basically doesn't (at least in our industry at the present time).

The consensus is that our efforts are better utilized in securing and strengthening our position in our current area of specialization at this time rather than embracing a new specialty and the learning curve that inherently comes with it. The Jack of All Trades is Master of None.

The consensus is that the candidate available to us is a good catch, but in this economy there are a lot of fish in the sea.

The consensus is that momentum is carrying us forward at present all by itself, and as momentum increases and continues to increase, our focus should be on riding the wave, not creating new ones.

I won't say that I agree with the consensus. But I absolutely agree with the "decision by consensus" management style we use in our business. And I am very proud to be associated with a company that works this way effectively. Hell, I basically created this part of our company structure anyway. How can I criticize it? I have tried to create it before in other paradigms, but only ended up with people who answered however they thought I would answer or said what they thought I wanted to hear. I'm proud of our company, our decision making process and our progress and success.

As to the decision, I'm OK with it too. Part of good decision making is to position the decision in such a way that the answer can be "Yes" without fear or "No" without remorse. This decision absolutely fits that criteria.

I just hope we arrived at the decision through consensus, not complacency.

Friday the 13th

"Earthquakes, Tornadoes, Floods and Blogspot Service Interruptions."

Wow, the world is really falling apart. I couldn't get to my blog for a whole day! Oh, the drama!

I guess for the folks at Blogspot.com, Friday the 13th came a day early. Evidently this means I have reconstruct my Thursday post about the space between Yes and No. Since it's about the only intelligent post I've had time to put into words for the past few days, I guess I better get 'er done.

Other than that, Friday the 13th was just another beautiful day. I was thinking earlier today that I didn't have anything to blame Friday the 13th for. Hmmm. It's just another in a long string of busy, productive, profitable and enjoyable days (except for the Walgreen's experience, but that one is easy to prevent from now on).

So, to all of you people who are getting ready to go out tonight and wash away your terrible week with excessive amounts of alcohol, I wish you safety and success. And I'm glad I don't need to do that. I may go out and watch for a while though. Maybe I can find some who are celebrating a really good week and join them.

The Space between Yes and No

"The Earth was without form and void. And God said..."

At work, we're faced with a decision. We have the opportunity to hire someone new, or not. There really aren't any other available answers besides Yes and No. We can't defer, procrastinate, do a half-yes, yes...but, or if...yes. We just have a decision to make that comes down to either "Yes, go for it" or "No, we're going to pass".

There are a hundred reasons to say yes. There are a hundred reasons to say no. And some of the 'yes' reasons are exactly the same as the 'no'. We've done due diligence to make sure that the candidate we're looking at has a good reputation and does what he says he does. We've looked at his customer base, character and reputation, plan for success, resources he will need and impact on our current infrastructure. There are many valid reasons to 'go for it', or not.

It's my tendency to go for it, and many times in my career I have made that decision when it was up to me. Many times, the yes answer turned out to be exactly the right answer, and really good things happened in business and in the lives of the people involved. Risk is rewarded. Other times, well, bad decisions made with the best intentions hurt and are destructive. There are a couple of major ones that I wish I could have back - and a couple that I ran from making that should have been made years earlier. Life is unapologetically cruel to those who make poor decisions.

To the best of my knowledge, nobody in the history of modern thought has come up with a math equation or algorithm that makes these kinds of decisions correctly. I have invested in more than one magic wand and several crystal balls, and FYI, they don't work. My heart and worldview are a compass, and they guide me, but they do not come with a warranty, and I can't sue anybody when they guide me wrongly.

I wonder how long God looked at the void that was would be Creation before he said, "Go For It: Let There Be Light!" and all that is, suddenly was, and what will have been is given dimension and form.

Had He said, "No, we're going to pass," the void would still be void, the status quo would not have been shaken, and I would not have the opportunity to make any  decisions at all.

Creation, genesis of Good, possibility and intention, faith and hope, achievement and growth, pride and confidence only come from the "Yes" side of questions like we are faced with just now. "No" cannot possibly deliver these benefits, even if 'no' is the right answer. Maybe that is why God spoke into the darkness and created the light.

And maybe that's why I have trouble saying, "No".

Beans and Cornbread

"Today, the good things in life come together."

Some days are just crappy. It's a challenge to look at these days differently so they don't seem so bad. There are a lot of tactics that work well, and I am well versed in many of them.

Finding something to be thankful for is one of them. There's always some angle to appreciate. Knowing that my bad day facilitated someone else's good day is cool too. They may have needed a good day. The attitude that my bad day is an investment always helps. Because of my day, be it good or bad, some children in Zambia did not go to sleep hungry.

There is always a way to look at things that make bad days better.

And then there are days like today. It rained here. The whole state got a much needed, much appreciated, really good rain - the likes of which we haven't seen since last July.

And Mom cooked beans and cornbread with fried potatoes for dinner - and fudge brownies for desert.

And the Thunder wasn't limited to the weather tonight as our NBA team took game five in the playoffs against Memphis.

So probably the very best tactic to defeat the inevitable crappy days that happen from time to time is to remember really good days like today, when everything that happens is good.

You gotta love days like today.

Walgreen's Files Bankruptsy - Burns 6300 Stores to the Ground

"Burn Baby, Burn."

At least this is the impact on the part of the universe where Walgreen's Pharmacy and I intersect. I went in there yesterday to buy some over the counter allergy junk, and there's a huge yellow sign that says "Sale, $12.00" in two inch letters.

When I went to check out, they rang up at $16. I objected, they called for a price check and the guy actually laughed at me for believing their sign.

It's amazing what can be said without words. With his cute little chuckle, he made the following speech:

"Walgreen's has no integrity when it comes to advertising in our stores, and everyone on earth (except you) knows it. 'Sale $12.00' doesn't mean that the price is $12. What do you think we are, stupid?

"What the "Sale $12.00" sign means is that we think all of our customers are stupid, and won't notice when they go to check out that the item actually rang up $4 higher. We make a ton of money with our lack of integrity, because money is more important than integrity, and we have no respect at all for our customers."

Hmmm. I think I won't be shopping at Walgreen's again, even if they rebuild what they burned to the ground last night.

From Zambia to Slightly Stupid

"Don't tell people that. They'll think less of you."

So my nephew that spent some time in Zambia earlier this year tells me he's taking a road trip next weekend. He's Dallas bound to see a concert and generally misbehave, I expect.

Had he stopped there, all would have been well. I'd have thought he and a few buddies were going on an adventure that is appropriate for a 20 year old, and wished them well. I remember taking off for Dallas or Tampico, Mexico or some other place when I was around that age. I had no real responsibilities here, and was interested in seeing the world and building experiences.

But I asked what the occasion was, and heard the rest of the story.

Turns out that he and some friends wanted to see some concert. So my nephew, apparently being the brightest of the bunch (or else the only one with a debit card) logged on to TicketMasters and bought the tickets. Paid for them and printed them out, he did. Proud of himself, he was,  that he got the tickets he wanted at just the right price. Then he read the tickets.

Now instead of going to Tulsa on Thursday, he and his friends are going to Dallas on Friday, because alas, my brightest of the bunch nephew with a debit card did indeed purchase tickets for the right concert, on the wrong date and in the wrong city.

It's good to be twenty, cause none of his friends really care. I just hope that between the bunch of them, they find the right highway that leads to Dallas so they don't end up at a bluegrass concert somewhere in Arkansas. But somehow, I bet they would have a good time even if they did that.

Oh Yeah...The band they're going to go see? "Slightly Stupid."

Sometimes things fit together so well they just couldn't happen by accident.

Making Mom Proud

"Don't do anything you would be embarrassed to tell you mother about."

Of course none of us live by this proverb, and of course mothers have done things they didn't tell us about too. But still, no matter what our belief system, we will go to great lengths to keep up appearances for mom.

We do this for dad too most of the time, but somehow we always know that dad knows better (so does mom, be we don't know that). And dad's an asshole anyway, so he can't say much about whatever we're doing that he doesn't like without being an overbearing hypocrite. But moms are perfect, and we will work hard to make her proud of us.

The kicker with mom is that she will do about anything to be proud of us anyway. Of all of the people in the world to impress, Mom should be the least important because she'll find a way to be impressed, proud of us and supportive in all but the rarest circumstances. She'll ignore any number of bad things and hold on to even one little good thing about us forever. She wants and needs to be proud of us.

I don't know how mothers get along in the world without gay sons. It's not like dad is going to help her pick out that perfect new dress or talk to her about what color scheme would work best on her patio this year. Nobody loves Mom like a gay boy, and nobody needs mom's support and compassion like someone who the rest of the world despises.

So here's to Mother's Day, a day when butch and nelly alike need not be embarrassed to tell mom how much we love her, and how much she means to us. Hearing that from us makes her happy and proud.

And it's really nice to have at least one person in the world that is always proud of us.

Giving Is Investing

"The total amount of energy in an isolated system remains constant over time."

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about money this week. It's not like I have any, or need any for that matter. And overall, I don't consider it very important. It is a means to an end - nothing more.

People who think it represents power, success, security or God's favor are misguided in my opinion, and are destined to be disappointed in it. Those who think it can dramatically and instantly change their lives for the better are confused. Only one's character and worldview can do that, and then only if the worldview is based on that which could reasonably be considered universally Good.

But this post is not about money, really. It's about energy - the energy each of generates from the food we eat and the thoughts we think each day. Energy applied to a job or business is converted to money. Energy applied to relationships converts to emotional and spiritual outcomes like intimacy, love, patience, honor and hope - or the recripicals of these, jealousy, selfishness, contempt, rebellion and despair.

I think it is helpful to understand ourselves and the energy we release into the world around us as a gift. I could choose to work many places. I honor the company I choose to work for. I could choose to love many. My love for someone specific is a blessing to them.

It is my contention that our energy - our money, time, respect, affection and effort - should be offered as a gift, as an intentional act on our part to cause good in the paradigm where we release it. And in this context, our energy is not only a gift, it is an investment.

So, be it in the form of money, time, effort, or some other form, when we invest ourselves into a situation, be it work, charity or something else, we should be mindful of some basic concepts of giving.

First, we need to be careful and intentional about where and how we give. Nobody wants to buy a fraud or invest in Arizona swamp land. Let's not invest or energy into dead end jobs, liars, flakes or rip-offs. Let's invest ourselves on purpose with specific ideas in mind about what our investment should accomplish. As with any investment, expectations are good. We should expect some good to come from our investments, and if none are realized, we should modify our giving accordingly.

Second, we need to invest with passion. Having chosen an ecosystem, be it a job, relationship, charity or cause, and having set our expectations appropriately, we need to make our investment enthusiastically and competently. If our investment is half-assed or half-hearted, the outcome will show it. Our return on our investment will be poor and puny, just as if we planted a garden but refused to water it. If something is worthy of our time or money, it is also worthy of our passion.

Finally, we have to understand that not every investment pays off. Investment involves risk, and we cannot be crushed or shattered if something we have chosen to invest in doesn't ever deliver on our expectations.

There are a hundred more thoughts that should go here. But the concept is to consider our time, money and life energy as a gift to the world around us and to invest that gift appropriately.

Cinco de Mayo, Lettuce, Tomato and Onion

"...and a sombrero, pretty please."

I know, I know, it's a little bit typical white American stereotype of another people group. Don't be offended. He's adorable.

I know Latinos and especially Mexicans take a lot of crap from Americans. The stereotype is that they come up here illegally, don't pay taxes, use public resources and steal American jobs. Blah, Blah.

There are political issues, and there is a right way and a wrong way to accomplish one's goals in life. But there's also a human issue that to me takes precedence over politics. I really respect people who reach out for a better life.

For the most part, whether legally or illegally, they come here for that purpose. They work hard, stay out of trouble, contribute as much or more than they take and are just trying to improve life for their families and people they love.

Let's get off their backs a little, huh?

Don't Trust Money

"Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God."

The take home from yesterday's post is, "Don't Trust Money." Everything on the planet  is doing its very best to erode the stability and security of money. Dave Ramsey says that we need to have a plan for our money because if we don't, there are thousands of companies with highly educated, motivated, experienced and talented people that do.

Every commercial on TV, every pretty Hollywood actor, every new cell phone feature, every professional athletic event and a zillion other things that surround us every day is the product of someone's well thought out plan for our money. Their plans all have one thing in common: They get our money (hopefully before we even earn it), and we don't.

What Ramsey forgets to tell us is that even if we make our own plan and keep our money, we still don't have it. Through taxation, devaluation or inflation, the value of money erodes. Like chariots and horses in days gone by, it's just not capable of providing the security it promises.

I don't trust money, but I trust my ability to make money. Money is an outcome - a fruit of my labor, imagination, experience, faith and passion. But where do these things come from? From my character, forged in the furnace of life over the past few decades, on purpose, tested at times, affirmed at times, but solid and real.

I trust my character because it is built on more than my shallow desire and pleasure. I hear others say that they only trust themselves. I don't see how they can trust themselves when nobody else on the planet can believe anything they say. I am a trustworthy person. Others can trust what I say and what I do. This gives me confidence (faith) to trust myself.

And I trust the concepts, ideals and wisdom that I have tried to imitate and integrate into my character. God created me me and God created the universe. It stands to reason that He knows better than I how best to relate the two. And what is His wisdom? A laundry list of "Thou Shalts" and "Thou Shalt Nots"? Nope.

His wisdom is that life comes down to loving and giving - making a positive difference in the world around us and the people we encounter. Doing all that I do in a way that demonstrates respect and honor for Him. It is really His character, infused into and flowing out of me, that I have confidence in.

This confidence transcends money, chariots and horses. It is confidence in that which is universally and objectively Right, Good, Pure and True. And it's a much more stable foundation to believe in then my checking account balance, I guarantee.

The Federal Reserve Shell Game

"Three shells and a pea is portrayed as a gambling game, but in reality, when a wager for money is made, it is a confidence trick used to perpetrate fraud."

Let's see. The country has an unsustainable debt load, exacerbated by a trillion dollars thrown randomly into the economy in an effort to curb the effects of a recession that George W. denied the existence of until the financial system basically collapsed, not to mention two (and now three - what a coincidence!) wars, decades of irresponsible spending by congress and a ponzi scheme called Social Security. Add Medicare and a bunch of entitlements to earn votes, and you have a bona fide debt crisis.

So let's wager on the shell game and see if we can find the pea that makes all of these problems go away, shall we?

Under Shell Number One, lower interest rates to keep people borrowing (therefore spending) more. This was great for 20 years. Anytime the economy sneezed, lower interest rates again. But don't say the "I" word, because if inflation raises it's head, lower interest rates are counterproductive. And don't worry about whether people can actually repay what they borrow. It'll all work out when the economy grows and everyone makes more money.

But rates can't drop below zero - you can't pay people to borrow (and spend) money. The math doesn't work. No pea here.

Under the second shell, we have the Feds buying our debt back (with money that doesn't exist) to falsely prop up its value. The result is the devaluation of the U.S. Dollar, but who cares? Everybody feels better if they have more of them. It doesn't matter that each is worth less. That stops June 1. Then US debt will have to be purchased by real investors that want to make a real profit proportional to their perceived risk.

And who's gonna buy it? China has enough of it to foreclose on the USA already, and has said they don't want to buy more. Japan has their own problems just now. Western Europe is in worse shape the the US. Pig farmers in Chile don't have nearly enough money. Hmmm...Maybe the drug lords in Mexico would be interested.  No pea here either.

Shell Number Three was outlined by the Feds this last week. Their contention is that there is no inflation, despite the fact that everything we have to buy costs more. Their justification? You can buy an IPad with twice the memory and speed of last year's model for the same price. That means the price is actually lower year over year for an IPad, which offsets the increased costs of food and energy (gasoline, utilities, transportation, production). So let's all bury our heads in the sand and tell ourselves that we're OK. (It didn't work for Dubya, and it ain't gonna work for Bernanke either.)

Obviously if you discard things that increase in price and only count things that stay the same or go down, you will never report inflation. But that just proves the reports are flawed, not that prices aren't going up for energy, food, transportation, health care and all of the other things we have to buy. There's no pea here, just a bunch of college educated idiots with titles and graphs and no sense. And these are the folks that are supposed to be the guardians of the money supply.

And our president, the ambassador for Change, stands there with a stupid grin on his face cause he doesn't have the first clue what I said in this post. Besides, he's too busy trading snipes with the Donald, five time bankrupt, all bravado and no substance, wannabe president with bad hair.

I feel for all of those who have their trust in their retirement plan or their bank account. I feel that these things are about to show each of us their inadequacies. Even those who don't believe in God need to pray at this point. Cause the way things are going, there's gonna be hell to pay.

Osama bin Blown Away

"If you cut the head off of a snake, does the snake die?"

Well it looks like May is going to start with some international momentum! We finally got the Son of a Bitch, eh? It only cost several trillion dollars, several thousand soldiers' lives, a decade, the disruption or deaths of who knows how many lives in several countries, possibly the U.S. Economy and God knows what else. But we won, I hope.

There's a concept that if you kill the queen, the whole colony dies. It works with termites, anyway. But I'm not sure it works with terrorist cell groups. Doesn't really matter the guy had to go, and for the record I don't think he made a very good Queen. I hope his 'followers' don't want to lead his life. But I think the best outcome we can hope for is a little different.

Maybe the best thing for us from this point is that the snake called Al-Qaeda will grow four of five new heads to replace the one we cut off yesterday. The theory would be that in the competition for resources and popularity, the new heads would all fight with each other and leave us relatively alone. They'd be weaker and easier targets when we decide to clean up the mess.

Sound a little far fetched? Hey, it works great in American politics.

Terrorism is such a terrible thing. A terrorist basically says, "I know I'm totally in the wrong, and I represent a position that the world at large rejects, but I'm going to make the whole world respect my point of view by blowing up innocent people and destroying things." How do they ever expect to win any support or advocacy for their positions and beliefs. They pick a fight that nobody, least of all themselves, wins.

The terrorist says, "A world that disagrees with me should be destroyed." Even if they win, they lose. A world destroyed cannot honor their God, and their God - if He is indeed the creator of the world - cannot possibly respect them for trying to destroy it. The whole paradigm makes no sense.

And those who feel this is a "Great Victory for America" should count the cost. It is undoubtedly the most expensive assassination in the history of the world. Congrats all around for that one, guys.

Anyway, Good Riddance to Osama bin Sleeping With Fishes. I think that wherever he is this morning, it is not where expected to end up.

May Momentum Mellow!

"April Showers Bring May Showers?"

I don't think it rained twice in April. I don't think it rained a quarter of an inch the whole month. Now May is here and it's been raining all day. No complaints here, really. We need the rain and it smells good! And Oh! the nap I'm about to take! The whole world should be as fortunate as me today!

But the break is only temporary. Momentum is my buzzword this year. "May the momentum continue and continue to increase." The last few days of April were relatively stress free. A great weekend in Houston, a free birthday and a really fun trip to the Arts Festival provided a very necessary time of rest and relaxation. And my known agenda for May doesn't look to be too intimidating. Could it be that things are going to slow down a little in May?

What the hell am I thinking? We're in the middle of trying to buy two airplanes at work, considering adding yet another new employee, selling aircraft parts like they're Thunder tickets and the year's pace continues. What's this about Mellow May?

But I'm ready. I've had a few days to rejuvenate and recharge, and I'm ready for whatever comes.

My only concern is that if March and April were so crazy and there was no rain, what happens when the rain comes? Is life going to get even crazier? Will the rain stimulate the same kind of growth explosion in life overall that I anticipate it will do in the flowers I planted last month?

In a way, I really hope so. As I've said many times, this has been a great year. I want more. Part of me says, "Bring it on!" But in another way, the past 10 days or so have been really fun. I've enjoyed slowing down the pace just a little and enjoying the ride.

So we'll see. Either way, I'm excited. I am in a mode of life where I wake up every day pumped and ready to see what's in store. So far, it's good and getting better. My desire, prayer and choice is that momentum would continue to grow, and soon will break wide open like May flowers after April showers.

Life is Good!

April Honorable Mentions

"So much to say, so little time to type."

Damned if April isn't over already. It seems to me like I've blogged a lot in March and April. And I've had more page hits than ever. Thanks for reading, BTW. My blog is a journal, not a traditional blog. But to think that someone else might read it keeps me motivated. I really enjoyed writing the series on Easter this month (4/17-24). I love Easter. And I had a great time traveling to Houston, and sharing a couple of observations from that trip.

But it seems like there are quite a few important matters that I should comment on that just didn't make the list. So I wanted to take a second before the month is gone and include some honorable mentions.

Remembering those killed, wounded or impacted by the Oklahoma City bombing is first on the list. That was a major event for everyone on Oklahoma at the time, and I feel bad for letting April 19 go by without comment. I had the occasion to talk with someone yesterday who was directly affected by that awful event, and I had to stop and remember those weeks all over again. I could write for a year about that event and not say everything.

I know there are many problems in our country, with our government, with our cultural mindset and with a growing anger and helplessness that these problems can ever be properly addressed or fixed. I share in the anxiety and pessimism. But we should express that frustration with unity of purpose and an effort to come to consensus, not the way it was expressed on April 19, 1995. Killing 169 people and disrupting so many lives in the spirit of protest is not the right answer, and we are all better than that. Nobody accomplished anything on that day through those actions. Everyone lost and nobody won.

Just as there is growing anxiety and frustration in the U.S. with political, social and financial issues, the Earth itself seems to be expressing its own version of that anxiety in the world. From earthquakes and tsunamis last month to a record number of tornadoes, flooding, drought and unseasonable temperatures lately, the Earth seems to be telling us that it is angry, and that its tolerance is just about exhausted. We should probably start listening, don't you think?

But I would like to extend my condolences and prayers to those impacted by the weather in the southeastern U.S.

One of my favorite events in OKC is the Festival of the Arts, held every year downtown. I'm usually there enthusiastically on the second or third day, and this year I haven't been able to get down there. I'm going today, and really looking forward to it. It is a terrific event in a city otherwise barren of such luxury. I hope the weather is nice.

As to the Royal Wedding overseas, Bill and Kate or whatever, it's not that I didn't get around to commenting on that event as much as I couldn't give two shakes of a fat rat's ass about it. I'm just sayin'. Ignoring that wasn't an oversight. $35 Million could have been spent much more wisely.

Well, I guess that covers April. We'll get May started tomorrow. Thanks again for reading.

Birthday Thoughts

"I'm honored and humbled that the future King of England would celebrate my birthday my getting married."

So the day has come: My second 48th Birthday. My first one was a mistake - I was only 47. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

So what do I want for my birthday? I've been asked that question several dozen times lately. There's a lot of things I want, but I really don't need anything. I can't remember any time in my life before now when I've been able to say that. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

So what are my goals, dreams and hopes for the next year or few? I have many. But the momentum of this year has already been amazing, and I am truly thankful. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

So what have I accomplished in the last year, and what has been the impact of my existence? The best way to answer that question is to read my blog. It's been a great ride. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

So what would I change or do better if I had the chance? A couple of things for sure. But I'm not sure the outcome would change anyway. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

So what have I learned about life this year? Something new almost every day. Some of it is cool, and I love knowing it now. Some of it is ugly and I wish I didn't know. But for better or worse, I'm learning, growing and loving life. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

Did I lose anything important to me in the last year? Yes, from a certain point of view. But I think it's more accurate to say that I realized I never had that which I feel I lost. I think I was finally able to let go of some baggage this year - some dead weight. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

Did I gain anything important to me in the last year? Yeah, I did. My footprint is bigger now than it was last year, my perspective is better. Some specific things? A new church, a balanced budget in my own finances, a partial solution to a real estate issue I haven't been able to get out from under, new friends and a self-help blog. I think I'm getting my mind back too. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

But somewhere out there is the other half of me, and I sure would like to find him. It's good to be needed, but I want to be wanted. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

The Aging Process

"But every year, I get older and that hope becomes more of a wish."

Well, it's time to turn my attention to my free birthday this year (tomorrow). I say it is free because I thought I was 48 last year. I was only 47. I will be 48 tomorrow, so in effect, this one is free. I have never understood or agreed with the way we determine someone's age in our culture anyway. What does the number of times Earth has circled the Sun have to do with one's age?

To me, old is characterized by bitterness, narrow mindedness, cynicism, fear, resistance to change and a certain arrogance that says, "You're an idiot if you disagree with me." The Universe seems to shrink around old people, and becomes so small over time that there is not enough room in it even for themselves. Then they die.

I know several people who are many years younger than me according to the 'trips around the sun' method of aging, but are actually much older than me according their outlook on life and relationships to others. Some of the oldest people I've ever met have experienced relatively few trips around the sun.

I know that I'm gullible, sensitive, too trusting (on purpose because the other choice is cynicism), naive and inexperienced in some areas of life. But I am generally not thought of as stupid. I know that I am not immune to the aging process. I know it takes its toll on me just like it does everyone else.

My demon is cynicism. I have been at war with him since Jr. High. Cynicism is an attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity, sincerity or professed motives of others. The older I get the more undeniable the accusations of cynicism.

Cynicism is evil. It destroys relationships before they start and erodes hope, faith and dreams before they ever have a chance to come to fruition. I hate being cynical, and sometimes respond to a situation in exactly the opposite way that cynicism suggests just to stick my tongue out at the slimy bastard.

So am I cynical about cynicism? Hmmm.

Anyway, so long as I keep cynicism in check, life is really good. I had a great 47th year even though I thought is was my 48th. So, may the real 48th be as wonderful and productive as the perceived one was last year. (Does that make sense?)

And cynicism can kiss my sweet ass.

Gay 'Community' vs. Gay 'Ghetto'

"What is the point to wanting that which one cannot have?"

In the simplest terms, I noticed something in Houston last weekend. Houston has a gay community. Oklahoma City has a Gay Ghetto.

I know Houston has a gay ghetto too. The ghetto there is actually more organized there than here. There is a bath house called Club Houston that advertises on the internet. (They evidently have locations in Dallas, New Orleans, Austin and a few other places too.) The establishment is specifically for those looking for nsa, no bs, anonymous sex. This is not the life I want to lead, and I have no interest in it at all.

My point is that Houston also has a gay community that is not specifically built around gratuitous sex, and is not necessarily infused with all of the drugs, dead thinking and contempt for life that comes along with the ghetto. The cockroaches have a place to go to do their thing, and separate from that there is a place for normal people with souls, dignity, aspirations for life and hope to go and be themselves, meet people and make friends.

If I had a boyfriend, I would be embarrassed if we spent more than a couple of evenings a year on our local gay strip. It really is a disgusting place. What I didn't know until last weekend is that OKC and the Habanna have a regional reputation for being just such a place. I went to Houston to hang with good friends and attend a really large GLBT charity benefit. People from Houston and other places come to OKC to spend some time living on the edge of the universe and twist off. But then they go home, back to a real life and a worthwhile existence.

The only 'downer' of the weekend for me happened late Saturday night. I was sitting outside on the smoking patio, and had just finished a conversation with a really cool guy I would have liked to get to know better. I had several of those conversations throughout the weekend. I never seem to have them at the bars in OKC. As I sat there enjoying the conversations and thinking to myself how much I wanted to be a part of a community like this, I realized I really wanted something I couldn't have.

What I really wanted, and really would like to have had, is a community like this when I was 22. I tend to want the impossible. I tend to want something that doesn't exist. In this case, there's not even a  possibility that this could exist since I am a hell of a long way from 22.

I wanted to grab a bunch of the cute young men and tell them how lucky they are, and how important it is not to waste such an opportunity that they've been given. Those guys have a chance to find someone, fall in love, build a life together and make a difference in the world. I would do about anything to live that kind of life.

I only know of one couple who really tried that here. And the call of the Ghetto was just too strong, too close and too loud. What a tragedy! It makes me sick to my stomach. I would love to believe that there is still hope for me. But every year, I get older and that hope becomes more of a wish.

"Sr Bobo Loco"

"And I thought Easter Bunnies were a myth."

Man, I had a good time in Houston. I got there Friday night and went out with my friends to a really neat club called J.R.'s. I've been there before, but forgot how much I enjoyed it. We stayed out and talked until the place closed down. It was really nice to go someplace and have a few drinks and good talk with good friends.

Saturday we went shopping. I'm a shoe whore anyway, so you know I brought back some new skis - and a suitcase full of new clothes. Then off to dinner and the Ricky Martin concert, which was a total surprise to me. I had no idea it was on the weekend's agenda. It was a great concert. I think I'll read his autobiography. The music was good, they story was a  little better and the concert effects, (light show, etc) were fantastic. What a great surprise! I don't think I've ever seen so many great looking Latino boyz gathered in one place ever. I think I want one!

After the concert, we went to a martini bar called Meteor, drank appletinis and watched the dick dancers take showers together on stage. That was about interesting. After that, we went to a new upscale gay club called the F bar. It's only been open for a month, so everyone is still checking it out. It was cool, but not really the top of my list. The bar was adjacent to the dance floor, which made it about impossible to get a drink. But the evening was a blast.

Sunday, we attended Bunnies on the Bayou, a charity event benefiting a huge number of social organization is the GLBT Community in Houston. There were 3,000 guys there of every age, type, race and level of bashfulness (or not). This event is the largest outdoor cocktail party in Texas. The weather was great, the guys were great and the atmosphere was unbelievable. I noticed that most people weren't there to get drunk or laid. Mostly people seemed to be there to say Hi to friends, support the charity and be a community. It was a really great experience.

And Ohhhh, the Bunnies! They were everywhere. The place was crawling with cute guys with fluffy round tails and other nice assets. But overall, the experience made me want that which I cannot have. I'll write more about that tomorrow or so.

An interesting side note: There is a certain dancer from OKC that I met at the Park recently, who just happened to be working at J.R.'s Friday night. I said hello, and we did the 'small world' talk. Lo and behold, he was working at Meteor Saturday night. Sunday at Bunnies, I told him I thought he was stalking me. He said, "Shhhhh. Don't Tell."

The kid was really high Sunday at Bunnies. The next time I see him in OKC, I'm going to ask him whether he has anyone in his life who cares about him enough to object to his 'no boundaries' lifestyle and drug use. I hope he does. I'm not excited to play that role for him, but everyone deserves to have someone that does.

And, through my friend's boyfriend, I now know the Spanish version of "Mr. Happy". It is "Sr Bobo Loco" If Andrew would hurry and email the picture he took of me at Bunnies, I'd post it here and you would all know what Sr Bobo Loco looks like.

Raised To Walk In Newness Of Life

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

"Why seek ye the living among the dead?" This is the question the angel asked Mary when she came to the tomb where Jesus was laid on Easter Sunday. It's also the question I ask myself every single time I wander into a gay bar, and most every time I walk into a church.

Yesterday, my contention was that sin is no longer an issue - for anyone, anywhere. Today, as Christ is risen, I want to talk about what we really are. Because Christ died and took sin (and its cohorts: guilt, shame, condemnation, distance and disconnection from God) out of the equation, we have a new standard, a new covenant with God. A covenant based on God's grace in sending Christ to do what He did, and faith in His success at accomplishing what He came to do through the Cross and His resurrection. A covenant whose objective is to incorporate us into God's own family, and make us His children.

Life, then, is no longer about eating, drinking, making money, having fun or any other simply physical, mortal thing. Life is about experiencing and growing up to a new world on the level of and in the context of the God who created us. This is a new life with a higher calling and deeper meaning than we could ever experience in a three dimensional, mortal existence. And everyone on the planet is called to this new life on this higher level. Nobody is excluded, left out or rejected. All are included.

What does this new life look like? That is what a Christian worldview is all about. Answering that question, living in that quest IS the new life in Christ Jesus. What do we look like when it's finished? Evidently something so different and so much better than physical life that we can't quite see it fully. We only get hints, glimpses and foretastes, But we know that it is what we are created to become. It is why we exist and take up space. It is the meaning of life.

We enter this new life through the concepts expressed by baptism and the Eucharist. Like a tadpole becomes a frog, or a worm becomes a butterfly, we become a new creature - a new creation as part of a new world - something that never existed before, and something that will never taste death. And the old life is gone. And the rest of our days on earth are spent transitioning and growing and becoming something which we were not.

In effect, we are born again to a new life in a new world with a new purpose and a new destiny. Jesus' tomb becomes our womb, and His sacrifice becomes our first breath.

That's what Easter is.

Buried With Christ in Baptism

"Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. "

In order to understand the meaning, or the Goodness, behind Good Friday, the Crucifixion of Christ and the sacrifice He made, we need a better understanding of sin. Christ came to "destroy the works of the devil." He came to "take away the sins of the world." To borrow a line from Oswald Chambers, either Christ completed His purpose and accomplished the work that God gave Him to do, or He did not. As Christians, we believe that He did.

So what does that do to the concept of sin?

It eliminates 'sin' and all of the negative implications caused by sin from the discussion, once and for all and period. Sin is no longer a factor or a consideration in the context of our relationship with God. Christ, through His own blood and sacrifice, took away the power of sin and the guilt, condemnation, consequences (at least on a spiritual level...we still live in a cause/effect world), shame, filth and impact of it completely and finally, once and for all, forever. End of the sin story. No need to discuss the subject again. Ever. At all. 

Sin does not have the power to separate us from God, nor can it disqualify us from enjoying the benefits of a father-son relationship with the Father of Everything.

Churches don't particularly like this perspective because it also takes away the Church's ability to manipulate people through guilt and condemnation. It strips Church of the power to brow beat people into submission and make them behave in whatever way the Church sees as appropriate. It takes away the control factor that has been used for centuries to promote and implement agendas that have nothing whatsoever to do with godliness, righteousness or worship. In this context, screw the Church! That's not what Church is about anyway!

Because Christ died for the sin of the world, we have been given a new paradigm, a new concept, a new standard by which our relationship to God is established and maintained. The bible calls this a new covenant. A covenant based on faith in what Christ did on good Friday and emerged from triumphantly on Easter Sunday. A covenant that is no longer based on my behaviour, performance, compliance or submission to a written code of rules and rituals.

As to behaviour, once we get our minds and hearts around what Christ did, it will take care of itself. Inside of us will grow a desire and a passion to participate in whatever Christ is doing, and honor Him in the doing of it. Our minds are transformed and our hearts are recreated, and the desires of our hearts will change. This change does not come from wearing a mask of religious conformance. It comes from being a different person, from down inside where choices really matter. It comes from a process of which Christ is the Author and Finisher.

Our sin, our failure, our sickness and our inadequacies are crucified, dead and buried, as are our acts of eternal goodness. The mask that we wear is the very thing that Christ died to strip away. In His body and by His blood, that which was called sin is forever destroyed.

"Good" Friday?

"Perhaps Good really is a subjective term."

So let's see. Today is Good Friday, the day we remember that Christ died in a gruesome, unnecessarily painful, overtly humiliating manner for the sake of the very people who killed him. The day is about the corruption of the religious people of His day, the betrayal of people who claimed to love Him, the cruelty of the Roman justice system, the ridicule and mockery of His executioners, the heartache and disappointment of those who loved Him and believed in Him most, the abandonment He endured as His God forsook Him...

It wasn't a good day for Judas Iscariot. He went out and hanged himself.

Pilate didn't have a good day. He condemned an innocent man to die and released a criminal. That isn't how or why he became a Prefectus in the Roman Empire. He violated everything he was about, and became his own antithesis that day, and knew it even as it unfolded. His suicide came a few years later.

Peter had a terrible day. He denied knowing the One he had sworn to die for just hours before.

Jesus' mother? Let's not talk about her day. Nobody hurts like a mom.

Just exactly who was Good Friday good for?

Even subjectively speaking, this doesn't sound like "Good". I can think of many better ways to spend a Friday without even thinking very hard. I'm on my way to Houston for a really fun weekend with excellent food, cute guys, perfect weather, great conversation and just the right amount of alcohol.

So, I'm thinking,"Who had a Good Friday on that particular Friday so long ago?"

Barabbas had a great day. Through absolutely no action of his own, his cross was given to another and he tasted freedom. I have no idea what he did with that freedom - whether he squandered it or made the most of it. But that day he experienced Grace (unearned and unmerited favor). He received a new life.

I guess I'm glad Barabbas had a Good Friday.

Preparation and Pedicure

"Unless I wash your feet, you have no part with Me."

There any many things in life that I love and hate. In the case of a pedicure, I love the outcome, but hate the process. I don't like people messing with my feet or my eyes. Not sure why, these are just things that I would prefer leave alone. But yesterday, in preparation for my weekend trip to Houston, I went and got a pedicure.

Fortunately, I had the whole nail salon to myself, so I didn't have to endure the "weirdo" looks from female customers trying to look good for their guys. I go to a place where the staff doesn't speak English, so if they're poking fun at the old, fat, bald guy, I never know it.

And damn, it makes my feet feel good.

So I'm sitting in the massage chair, having terrible things done to my feet by a not bad looking Asian woman who is quietly singing a very pretty song of which I can understand not a word, feeling uncomfortable and awkward, very much not enjoying the process, but anticipating the outcome, and the story of Jesus washing the disciples' feet comes to mind.

Yesterday I mentioned John 14-17. This story is in preparation for that event, in John 13. Peter was feeling more awkward and uncomfortable than I was. My guess is that he didn't like the process any more than I did. But more importantly, he didn't want to subject someone he admired and respected deeply to the task of washing his feet. In fact Peter said, "You aren't gonna wash my feet." And Jesus said. "If I don't, we're done."

I love Peter's response. He says, "Then wash my feet and my head and hands too." And Jesus went on to explain the point to the exercise, which is the Christian logic that service is greatness. It's not how many servants one has that makes him important, but how many he serves.

Some biblical logic is just backwards from human logic, or even rational thinking. I know this causes problems for a lot of people, and I fight with it too sometimes. But in another sense, the Logic of Perfection should be different from the pragmatic, dirty logic we deal with every day.

The biblical concepts of Redemption, Forgiveness, Servitude, Morality, Giving and Love are all contrary to natural thinking. But these are the very things that make a biblical worldview something that stands out and is better than the rest.

Tomorrow is Good Friday, and represents the day that Christ implemented the biblical logic of redemption through suffering for all of mankind. The math works. The logic is sound. The process sucks, but the outcome is wonderful.

The challenge is to trust the outcome, and walk in it.

Give Easter a Chance!

"And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own..."

In my opinion, John 14 through 17 is the single most important discourse in the bible. I read it often, and live in it as much as I can. But it is especially important and relevant at Easter.

These three chapters are about Jesus' last meeting with his people, His final thoughts to leave with them and the most intimate, open, honest, heart level discussion between God and man to be found anywhere in literature (my opinion). If anything needed to be said, now was the time cause all hell was coming over the next couple of days.

This was His time to say Good-Bye, to tell them what to expect and mostly to reassure them (and us) that no matter what things look like, they were following a plan that had been well thought out before the world was created and that would not fail.

Rather than discuss strategy, final orders or tactics, Christ comforted, encouraged and warned the disciples about things that were unfolding. Then He prayed over them and for them, and each of us (sorry Church of Christ folks, these chapters are written for us as much as for the disciples).

More than 'posits', or religious sticking points, these chapters, along with other accounts of the evening presented elsewhere, are about relationship. Relationship that Easter is all about. Rather than throw out my comments on the discourse, or talk about how it applies in my life, I would today like to issue a challenge to anyone who reads my blog.

The challenge is to do an internet search on John 14-17 NIV, and read these three chapters. Throw out the religious connotations you may have been exposed to and any intellectual criticism (for now), and just read the words allowing them to say what they say - not what you think they might say or what you've been taught or what you've criticized or rejected in the past. Read the words as if you were there at that moment, listen to the heart of God to his disciples, and give these short chapters the opportunity to paint their own picture of God, and the relationship He desires with mankind and each man and you.

Give Jesus' good-bye to his people the opportunity to be His introduction to you, and give Easter a chance to mean what it means without Peter Cottontail. I hope the challenge is beneficial.

"And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known."

Palm Sunday

"Two things I never want to be: A Liar and a Flake."

As Easter approaches, my thoughts turn to the death and resurrection of Christ, to what that means in a Christian worldview, to how to live a life worthy of that event, to hope in the destiny it promises, to the security of knowing that every bad, wrong or evil thing that has ever happened in all of human history was crucified that day and every good, pure, true and right thing was resurrected with Him no matter what evidence decries otherwise.

Because of the events surrounding Easter, life is about good. That which is good is brought forth from the conundrum of life, and stands forever. The rest fades away like dead leaves in the fall. This is why the bible teaches that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, for the law of the Spirit of Life has set us free from the (cause/effect) law of sin and death. Guilt and Christianity do not mix (sorry Baptists). Freedom and Christianity are synonymous. Freedom to go 'All In', and pursue Good and Right with my whole being. Freedom to relate to Ultimate, Universal Good as if he were my big brother and to serve and honor him as God.

Easter is an event that changed history, that redefines life and makes order of chaos. It is an event worthy of celebration, worthy of adoration and praise. Worthy of the people coming out to welcome it by laying down their coats and palm branches to pave the way, shouting, "Hosanna! Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the Name of the Lord!"

And a few days later, these same people stood in Pilate's court shouting, "Crucify Him! Crucify Him! We want Barabbas!" And Judas betrayed him with a kiss - a universal expression of friendship, loyalty, affection and trust. What a bunch of two faced, fickle, spineless people! I have never particularly enjoyed Palm Sunday because it is the day of the traitors.

I can conceptualize the reasons for Christ to be sacrificed, and can get my puny mind around the impact of His death and resurrection to some extent. But I cannot see or figure out the point to the traitorous people, or the reason why He had to endure the treason of one of His own disciples. The whole paradigm of His betrayal seems superfluous to the story itself, and just adds extra suffering and heartache where there is already enough.

Perhaps I am especially sensitive to this aspect of life because of my eyes. I have never been able to see very well, and that has always meant that I have to trust others, for better or worse. I know I can't see well, so if you tell me what you see, then I can see better too. If I am to know what I cannot see, I have to trust you to see for me. I would rather be able to see better, but I can''t. So I see via trust as much as vision. I know through relationships in which I have confidence.

Trust is hard to earn and easy to spend. I am probably necessarily more trusting than I should be, and am willing and eager to trust. That is how I see and grow and understand the world around me. But if that bond of trust is broken, especially the trust of someone who calls me a friend, it can never be reestablished again. I wonder if Christ was the same way. He said of Judas, "It would be better for him if he had never been born."

Then I remember that Christ died for those very traitors. The very people who cried, "Hosanna!" one day then "Crucify Him!" a few days later. If I think much about this, it ties my mind and heart up in knots. I don't know how to recover from treason. I don't know how to relate to someone without trust, and I don't know how to trust a traitor. Talk about a conundrum.

Anyway, people do what they do, and it hurts like hell, and I get over it. But the takeaway for me on Palm Sunday each and every year is that I do not want to live a lie or be a flake. And I will do anything not to betray the trust of a friend, someone who counts on me, or my God.

Objectivism - Surely There's a Better Way

"I swear—by my life and my love of it—that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. "

Thank God that not many people embrace the "essence of Objectivist ethics" as stated in the quote above from one of Ayn Rand's works, at least not openly or as a intentional result of asking the most basic questions of life  - "Who Am I?" and "Why Am I Here?"

Objectivism establishes priority of existence first. Identity is determined by existence, and consciousness is recognition of identity. Most every other philosophy distinguishes between life (as in existence) from life (as in sentient, self aware, intelligent) BY consciousness. Theistic worldviews further postulate that consciousness preceded and is prior to existence.

And the proof that consciousness precedes (and is prior to) existence is found in every single human invention throughout the history of mankind. The IPad, the IPod, the semiconductor, the steam engine, the telescope, the printing press, written language, the wheel and possibly even the spoken word 'existed' first in the conscious realm, even in the imagination, of their particular inventors before they ever existed (or were brought into existence by faith) in a form that could be experienced objectively by the five senses.

In the truth of this very observation is overwhelming evidence that consciousness preceded and is prior to creation. It is reasonable to assume that since nothing that man has ever created had existence before consciousness, that creation itself must have existed in the conscious realm, or what we can call the metaphysical, supernatural or spiritual realm, before it ever existed in the three dimensional form we can experience with our senses.

As to the impact of Objectivism, the negative implications of the essence of its ethics stated at the top of this post are self evident. If I live my life by this creed, I guarantee myself a life of utter loneliness and isolation, no matter how many people I have around me. I eliminate even the remote possibility of true intimacy and connection with others.

Almost every other worldview values the attributes of courage, selflessness, love, self sacrifice, humility and honor while devaluing the concepts of selfishness, even the cleaned up version promoted by Objectivism. Almost every philosophy and worldview - religious and otherwise - sees the value in treating others they way I would have them treat me, and living my life for the benefit and well being of those around me, even at my own expense and suffering.

Easter is coming, which brings the world's attention to the antithesis of Objectivist ethics, walked out by Christ took our sins, (mental, physical and spiritual diseases, blindness, failures and shortcomings) on himself, giving his body to be nailed on the tree, so that we, being dead to sin, might have a new life in righteousness, and by his wounds we have been made well.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Taxes are DONE!! Now I Can Think Of Something Else

"If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

It's not that I mind paying taxes so much. Nobody really enjoys it, but it's a necessary part of having a society. It's better to pay taxes and let the government maintain a police department than it is for each of us to hire our own security force. Fire Departments serve the public, and the public should pay for them. A strong military is a necessity in the world in which we live, and that costs a lot of money. Fighting three wars at once with no real exit strategy for any of them is a little different.

It's not that I mind paying taxes so much, it's that I don't feel that we're getting our money's worth. The government does a lot of worthwhile things, but it's not a very good marketing organization. People would feel better about the inevitable higher taxes that are on the way if they had a basic understanding of where that money goes  Rather than fight with each other so much, the politicians need to convince people that their money is being put to good use.

The problem, of course, is that a lot of the money is not being put to good use and everybody on the planet knows it. I think that much of what the government does, it should stop doing - and stop making me pay for. Entitlement programs are untouchable in budget talks. Why? Political suicide. Medicaid recipients vote. If anyone thinks we spend too much on the military, she is branded as unpatriotic. Medicare is supposed to help older Americans. It is not supposed to drive 16% of our economy.

Everyone resents being taxed to fund things they don't believe in. Everyone resents being taxed to pad politicians' pockets. Everyone resents being taxed so trillions can be wasted by bureaucrats who don't have to be careful with the money they are allotted. And people expect that to change before they're even willing to entertain paying more taxes.

I'm thankful that we have to pay taxes, because it means we're making money. I would love to be proud to pay them, and proud of what they are used for.

But the best I can do for now is to be very glad I'm done. Now I can move on to something else.

Email Etiquette for Dummies

"I love object lessons."

So I get an email today (not nearly the first of its kind, and the likes of which have been discussed often in the past) from a coworker with no subject that simply says, "See Below."

'Below' is an email chain, eight printed pages long in small font, full of back and forth salesman BS, clarification about part numbers, price haggling, anti virus and confidentiality disclaimers and a dirty joke. In there somewhere towards the top, I got the impression that a customer wants to buy something, and I'm supposed to figure out the rest.

My response to my coworker: "Nonsense. Please Consolidate."

My coworker's response: "Please process order. See below for details."

Hmmm. I haven't kicked anyone's ass in quite a long time. I'm a little out of practice. But what do you want to bet that I'm up to the task!?

My response to my coworker's response:

"In order to process an order, I need to know WHO is buying WHAT on which PO NUMBER, WHERE and HOW the order is to be SHIPPED, at what PRICE and how we get PAID. It would take you three short lines to answer all of those questions. Either you don't know the answers (in which case I will not process your order) or you do know the answers but are too lazy to type the three lines. It's easier for you to forward the entire email chain and make me weed through it and figure it out.

"I will be glad to do so. I am currently scheduling such projects for May 14, 2017. If you feel that this order needs to be processed before that time, please communicate concisely and exclusively the information I require. I leave the decision in your hands, however please be advised that my laziness trumps yours, and probably will not complete the project as scheduled.

"I do not appreciate being treated as if my time is worthless and yours is significant. First, this attitude on your part is inaccurate. Second, it is insulting. I would prefer to be the only condescending, arrogant SOB in this discussion. I think that since I am the only one who writes checks, I am the only one that can be an asshole.

"Feel free to disagree with me, but it is not in your best interest. Regardless, let me know what your decision is."

My coworker's response to my response to my coworker's response: I got my three line order information. Bet I get it next time too.

I Think I Would Go To This Church Even If I Wasn't Gay

"I was glad when they said unto me, 'Let us go to the house of the Lord'."

After my hot tub morning yesterday, I went to church. I've been attending this church for about 10 months now. I've always had mixed feelings about it. I'm really not much of  a church guy anyway, and I got too involved at the last church I attended with any passion about 12 years ago. That church stood for some really good things. Like my new church, it was made up of a bunch of people that wouldn't be acceptable in other church circles - of which I am one, gay or not.

So I've been going to this new church, and really enjoying it (from a distance). I haven't made any friends there, or gotten involved in anything churchy. One of the things I really like about my new church is that they don't seem to need me. They have enough volunteers and it doesn't seem like the same 15 people do everything like I'm used to at church. (I never want to be one of the fifteen again, BTW).

Anyway, I have always appreciated not having to lie to be a part of this church, and I have enjoyed having a place to go that actually knows what praise and worship is. If someone had told me a few years ago that I'd be standing in God's presence in worship with a bunch of fags, I'd have asked for some of whatever it is they were smoking. There are aspects of church that I have really missed, and I didn't realize how much until I found it again. Communion is another one.

So I have benefited from my new church. But until yesterday, I never really felt like a part of it - more like a perpetual guest, like going to a concert by sneaking through the fence without paying for a ticket.

I'm not sure what happened yesterday. It was a good service, but not spectacular. But somehow, I managed to connect with it in a way I haven't done in a decade. the people there are by and large just like me. They all love God and each other. Whatever flows out of that is fine.

I realized after church yesterday that this is exactly the kind of place I need to be, and I would be proud to be a part of it even if I wasn't gay.

It's The Simple Things, Stupid!

"Hot Coffee, a Clean Hot Tub and a Cigarette. Does Life Get Any Better?"

One of my assets (and therefore weaknesses) in life is that I can spend a whole lot of time in my head. I am not a shallow person. I don't even believe in shallowness. Everyone is deep, and it's from the deep parts of ourselves that our actions, decisions, aspirations, fears and dreams come from. when someone is called shallow, to me it just means that they pay no attention to the depth of their being, and have no idea where their motivation, hope and destiny comes from.

But yesterday, I worked my butt off outside in my yard. I changed the water in my hot tub, planted several plants, cleaned up the dead stuff from the winter, cleaned out mom's swimming pool and generally got spring going. It was a busy, productive, great day, and I'm just the right amount of sore this morning from my efforts.

This morning, sitting in my hot tub with my coffee and a smoke enjoying the result of my day yesterday and planning my day today, I started thinking about the deeper stuff. Before I knew it, I was off in thought about the car wreck last week, a friend of the family who is having trouble with depression (and rightfully so, in my opinion), etc.

Then I got just a scent of the gardenia I planted yesterday and woke up from my thinking. I realized how good I felt. I sat there for an hour, soaking in the hot water, and just enjoying being there. It is so cool to be able, in the midst of a world that has gone mad, to just sit there and enjoy life.

I was surprised that I was actually being drawn to the shallow things. Then I realized that enjoying the simplest things, being at peace with myself and the world around me and just drinking in the springtime is not shallow at all. It's probably the deepest thought I've had in months.

This is such a great year. Life is good.