A Great Christian Cop Out

"If the Lord is not the builder, the builder builds in vain."

As I start to think about how to kick back in to the Jesus part of the world, which is something I want to do, I immediately remember the concept that doing things with spiritual implications because I want to, under my own strength, by my own devices and using my own resources is generally a prescription for failure.

God needs to be the instigator, not me - and not a motivational sermon or a feeling of guilt that I'm not pulling my weight, or using the talents, gifts, abilities and training I have received.

The concept is true enough, but can quickly become a cop out. The cop out goes something like this:

First, I'm really busy already - and loving life. I already have things to do, and they are important on their own. It's not like I'm sitting around with my thumb in my butt, bored to death and looking for something to fill my life with.

And, I have a couple of bushes in my back yard. If God wants me to get involved someplace, he can let one of them burn without being consumed, and talk to me. Saul was called by a blinding bright light, Samuel in a dream, Matthew was at work, Peter was fishing, etc. God has a history of making Himself heard when it's important for His people to do something.

Plus, like Jonah, I'm not completely sure I want to get my hands dirty with people who suffer greatly in life because of their own self inflicted wounds. I'm all for feeding hungry kids and helping people overcome bad situations that have happened to them. I'm all over showing people how to look at circumstances through the lens of God's logic. But when it comes to mercy, well I don't have very much.

God created a cause/effect world on purpose. People who do stupid things cause their own pain. I know that self inflicted wounds hurt just as much as wounds inflicted by life or others. I would never tell someone, "you've got this coming." But deep down, I probably think that 80% of the things that screw people up are because of a failure to respect the law of cause/effect.

Put all of this together and I have a great excuse to say, "Whoa, Horse. Hold on a second. What are you thinking about? If God needs your scrawny butt, He'll let you know. Otherwise, take care of what's on your plate today and don't worry about the rest of the world."

Man, I almost convinced myself just writing this post. But I also want to honor the God that has been so good to me. I want to do that by being thankful, by living a godly life, in worship, in my own private meditation. But I also want to do that in a way that impacts others in a positive way. Whether they deserve to be impacted in a positive way or not is not really the issue.

I have the ability to look around and see opportunities to put my faith into action, to serve, to help and to bless someone else. I don't need a miraculous experience to show me how to give food to someone who has none, or encourage someone who is discouraged or down.

I therefore reject the cop out. Now that that's out of the way, I wonder where God can use me today?

The More Things "Change?"

"And the world watches as Obama impersonates George W."

Forgive me, pretty please, for another cynical political post. I'm really, really sorry. This isn't what I want my blog to turn into. But...But...But...It's Just Too Good to pass up!

First off, and for the record, I am completely in favor of international intervention in Libya. I think it should have happened weeks (read: years) ago, and Gadhafi just wouldn't give everyone an excuse. The guy is a lunatic, just like that guy in Iraq.

A lunatic who controls weapons of mass...uh, sorry, wrong version...who threatens the slaughter of civilians that would have stained the world's conscience cannot be tolerated. And once again, cruise missiles (at $600,000 each) are used as tools to spread peace, democracy and good will among an oil rich region of the world.

Now the question is, will Obama be like Clinton in Bosnia and come out of this a hero? Or like Daddy Bush who picked a fight that he didn't finish in Iraq or congress? (Anybody remember the, "Read My Lips. No New Taxes" speech that got him elected?) Or will Obama be like W. and let the rest of the world back off, leaving him standing all alone with the smoking gun just in time for elections?

I think O. is smarter than W. He's already running for cover behind NATO. And by letting the French take the lead, he's got a great plan to fall back on. Once France surrenders, we can always say the mission is about liberating France rather than bullying another maniacal dictator.

And how about those republicans in congress who called the democrats 'unpatriotic traitors' for asking the same kinds of questions of W. that they now ask Obama? What a crock. What a bunch of two faced, slime coated, sleaze bags!

And then we have all kinds of people trying to turn this into a religious conflict. Gawd.

My cynicism entertains me until I realize that real human beings are being killed, that gas prices once again threaten to cripple our own economy, that our own elected 'leaders' are doing their best to spin the situation to their benefit on election day (and have no other motives) and that however messy, corrupt and laughable the process, I really do think we're doing the right thing.

Not 'Whether', But 'Where'?

"Get Busy Livin', Or Get Busy Dyin'. That's Damn Right."

In broad strokes, I spent 15 years (from age 9 to 24) finding out what an oxymoron I really am. I spent 25 years (from 15 to 40) denying, running from, hiding from and rejecting the oxymoron, and doing whatever was necessary to keep anyone else from figuring it out. And I've spent the last seven years overcoming the oxymoron and learning to accept myself the way I believe (and have believed since I was in college) that God, against all odds and contrary to all conventional wisdom, has accepted and loved me.

But the question that now I realize has been there for the longest time, and now is getting louder and louder in my spirit is, "So What?"

On one hand, it's just too little too late. I should have known what I know now when I was still in college. I should have known that God created me just the way I am, and he didn't screw up, and I'm not a screwup, and that He created me on purpose, and before I was ever born He knew me and knew the plans He had for me, and regardless of anything I am or am not He is faithful, competent and in control. My life and heart are not - and have never been - out of His field of vision or circle of influence. I belong to Him completely, both by my choice and His proactive grace.

I have no excuse for not knowing this in college, because I did know it back then. Even though every other thing in my universe contradicted this knowledge, I knew it. I knew it during the intimate prayer, worship and devotional times I spent at ORU. I knew it when I participated in missions trips, when I led bible studies, when I worked with youth groups, when I learned to play guitar so I could lead worship. I knew it the whole time. And still I hid, ran, denied, buried and rejected the oxymoron. I chose sides, and chose what I thought was the high road, the side of the equation I had more confidence in. I chose on purpose, with a good heart - a heart to honor God and a sincere desire to please Him despite - and maybe even because of - the gay conundrum. And in so doing, I missed the bus. I missed out on what God had planned for my life.

On the other hand ... there are five fingers.

Seriously, I learned a long time ago that living in the past is counterproductive and destructive. I can't undo, redo or rewrite what has been. I can only move forward.

The other mindset I can put on is that I am right where I am supposed to be, and God is with me as much now as He ever was in my college days, or my time running a software business or at any other point in my life. I still have a role to play, and a mission for my life. I want to grow just a little more - to reach out just a little farther and grab hold of it. I'm not ready to admit defeat and give up. I'm ready to grab an oar and pull a little. I think I shall spend the next few posts in my journal ... um, blog, exploring where I can join in and make a difference in a paradigm other than business.

I'm sure there's someplace I can fit in and have value. I need to jump in someplace, and get started

Unhappily Irritated

"Hell runs entirely on a Microsoft platform."

Well despite some really good things that happened this week, I'm at work on yet another Saturday while my IT guy cleans up the mess from a really terrible server upgrade. I'm so glad that I'm not one anymore. It's been six years since I did any kind of real system administration or implementation work. I thought I was starting to miss it a little - Man, was I wrong.

IT Folks and basketball coaches have one thing in common. They're doomed to be either heroes or assholes, and there is no room in between. If things go well, they are heroes. As soon as they don't, they're assholes. I've been both more times than I can count in my life.

We've been focusing all week on the new server, testing software, connectivity with our Internet based software support and marketing schemes, making sure data made it to the right place, etc. So we get that all done and we're ready to throw the switch expecting things to work pretty well.

Then Microsoft decides that since we have a new server, we must therefore have new workstations too, and proudly sets up all new user experiences for every workstation. The workstations respond is if they are brand new six year old workstations that have never heard of outlook, and have no clue that somewhere in there are a thousand documents that were accessible fifteen minutes ago and now it can't find.

Without even the courtesy of asking whether or not we wanted to start over in life, Windows arbitrarily decided that we did, and acted like it was doing us a big favor. It even offered us a tour of Windows XP on startup, and offered to help set up Internet explorer to "help me get the most out of the windows experience". What a crock.

Just as a beautiful sunset or the fragrance after the rain proves that God exists, the existence of Microsoft and Wal-Mart prove beyond my ability to doubt that there is a hell. And a terrible place it must be.

I am firmly convinced that Microsoft should be as liable for the agony it has made people endure as it is rewarded for all of the good things it has accomplished. As things are, it gets paid well enough for its 'accomplishments' to force anybody with a better idea out of business, and does not face any downside to writing bad software that causes problems.

I think a good solution to the dilemma is to let Bill Gates pay off the national debt personally. I'm sure he would be pissed off, and I would be just as concerned and unhappy about that as his damn Windows software is about my having to work another Saturday.

All in favor, please signify by saying "Aye".

Happily Irritated

"What an honor and privilege it is to be upset by trivia."

I spent some time with my nephew this evening hearing how things are in Chirundu, Zambia. He just returned from the banana farm and orphanage we've helped get going over there. We didn't have much time to talk, but we talked enough to remind me of my experience there a couple of years ago.

He brought back some coffee from the lodge where we stayed, which brings back memories of me sitting on the porch early in the morning with my coffee listening to the riffles on the river and the monkeys playing and fighting in the trees overhead. Through those memories, I am reminded that there exist places where life does not move at a frenzied pace all the time, and the clock is not society's master.

He brought back a set of drums made in one of the local villages, which brings back memories of listening to people who have every right to be miserable sing joyfully in perfect six part harmony to the beat of the drum and no other musical instrument. He observed, as did I, that none of them sing well individually. But put them all together, and not one is out of tune or off beat. I am reminded that the word 'community' actually represents something  much more important and meaningful than it does here at home.

He asked me whether I remember Forbes, the boatman, and I do. Forbes is, I believe, both the ugliest and nicest human being I've ever met. And if I met Moses, the bartender at the lodge, and I did. Moses was always happy, always had a joke to tell and was always at his post. I asked him if he lives there, and he assured me he does not. I am reminded how real, how human, these people are, and I am reminded how much I genuinely liked them.

I asked him if he remembered to take his malaria medicine, and he did. I am reminded how many terrible diseases run rampant through that country and how much suffering they cause. Malaria, HIV/AIDS, tuberculosis, etc. are prevalent, especially in rural areas. There is no medicine to even dampen the symptoms, let alone cure.

Then I warned him about one thing to be aware of coming back. I told him to observe how mad people here get at McDonald's because there was too much ketchup on their cheeseburger or some equally trivial bullshit thing. Half of the people on the planet go to bed hungry more nights than they go to bed full. People in other places gladly bear hardship that we can't even imagine here. We are so blessed as a nation and as a people that we should be ashamed to complain about anything ever again.

He said he had already noticed such things, and I was glad. We discussed how privileged and blessed we are to have such things to complain about, and agreed to use such incidents in our own lives or in our observation of others as an opportunity to be truly, genuinely thankful and appreciative of the very good lives we have been given.

We didn't talk long, but I think he had a good trip.

A Declaration of Encouragement

"The Lord Bless You and Keep You,
The Lord Make His Face to Shine Upon You and Be Gracious to You, 
The Lord Lift Up His Countenance Upon You and Give You Peace."

I love benedictions. When I was a kid, they meant only one thing: Church is over. In modern church, the benediction is either forgotten altogether or it is a ceremonial act that has no significance other than that's how it's been done for centuries.

I have a lot to think about. Jim Swilley's message Sunday needs my attention. I feel welling up inside me a desire to go back a few years and just be me. Not gay me, or me living a lie, or me trying to be something I'm not. Just me. Translation: I'm about done with this gay crap altogether. I feel that coming on. I'm not sure I like it or if it's the right thing for me. I need time to process and think. And I'm way busy just now.

But the most enjoyable part of Sunday Night's service came after the message, and had nothing whatsoever to do with gay, straight, living a lie, stepping out boldly or anything else. At the end of the service, Swilley did something I haven't seen in a while, and I really enjoyed. I'm not going to try to repeat him here or replicate what he said.

But I am going to do the same thing in my own way. I am going to declare a blessing of encouragement, guidance, peace and intimacy over everyone who reads this post. So, if you have the stomach for it please sit back and enjoy these words.

I declare, and do now create with my words, a blessing to and over everyone who reads this. A blessing from Heaven; from Universally Objective Truth, Goodness, Purity and Rightness. A blessing that applies to all, and excludes none, regardless of any name, label, title, heritage, history, lifestyle, ambition or worldview. A blessing that pursues each mind, soul and heart liberally and proactively. A blessing that reaches out to you, individually and personally, at wherever you are in life today, and in whatever set of circumstances you find yourself at this moment. A blessing of healing and not destruction. A blessing of hope and not guilt. A blessing of freedom, wholeness and security.

I call forth a blessing of encouragement to anyone who feels alone, forsaken, overlooked or bypassed. The wisdom of loneliness is to understand it as a call to intimacy, as hunger is a call to eat. I call upon the universe to establish divine connections between the lonely and other people, books, concepts and doctrines that understand the Oneness and Unity of the entire creation, and I call out the knowledge that none is truly alone. Rather we are all one. Loneliness is a lie, a perversion of truth. Intimacy is the opposite of loneliness as satisfaction is the opposite of want. I exhort the universe to provide opportunities for divinely ordained, mutually beneficial relationships to develop and prosper, and I exhort the lonely to embrace those opportunities with enthusiasm, as if they are the Providence of a loving God.

I proclaim a blessing of clarity and perfect vision to those who are lost in the quagmire of life and don't know where they are going or why. I call forth the Christmas star to each one that needs guidance and direction for their feet, path and horizon. I speak energy and effectivity to the compass we each have inside us that directs us toward that which is Good, True, Pure and Right. As the sun breaks through and abolishes the morning fog, so I call out the Light of destiny to destroy confusion, depression and cynicism, and direct each one's steps toward that which they are created to be.

I release to each person who makes it this far a blessing of peace and security in your life, which comes from the knowledge that you are created on purpose for a purpose. As such, you are not irrelevant, inferior, unimportant or lacking value. On the contrary, you are a vital, indispensable part of that which God created. If you don't fulfill your purpose, nobody will, for it is yours and yours alone. This is the mindset that drives away fear and gives peace in every circumstance. Our security is found in our destiny, which is altogether good and joyful. Walk in it, and walk in peace. You were created in a spirit of joy, for just such a time as this.

I invoke these things in your life today and call heaven and earth to order concerning you and that which surrounds you. Reach out and receive this blessings, and allow the whole created universe to have the honor of participating with you in these things. Walk in confidence today, knowing that you are by definition part of something bigger and more important than you will ever be on you own. May these words not fall to the ground, but may they grow and produce a harvest that honors Him who spoke into the darkness and created the Light.

Amen

What A Weekend!

"Whirl On, World, in Headlong Flight."

I spent Saturday night drinking and dancing with a bunch of straight people (I didn't drink much). I spent Sunday at church with a bunch of fags. Jim Swilley was here Sunday night, and there are many similarities in our stories (though my story is on a much smaller scale). I have a lot to think about and zero time. The week ahead is going to be more than I can handle. I'm tired just thinking about it.

We're pouring concrete for a big section of the new driveway today, we have a new employee starting, we're going to start moving inventory to the new building, my bro is getting a  new hot tub and I'll be spending the day getting ready to change software over to the new server. All of this carries over to tomorrow, and my nephew returns from Zambia (he better bring me some good coffee).

I need to think about Sunday. Jim Swilley basically said the same thing his video said, with a little reflection as to the outcome. Many have stayed on his team and some haven't. My first reaction as I try to apply what he said to my life and experience is, "So What?"

I am so glad not to have to live a lie to be a part of what God is doing. This is a huge benefit. But other than that, I don't think my own story matters much. I'm still not a very good gay guy. I just don't know anything about it. I don't want to live a hedonistic lifestyle as if God doesn't matter. I want to live a quality life with someone who loves me and I love. I want a home and someone to share my life with.

After what is all of a sudden 10 years since my 'reorientation about my orientation', I'm really no different. I've made zero progress. I don't even have an archetype - an example close to me of a gay couple living a life that I can be proud of. The one that I had morphed into its own antithesis - the very exact thing that conservative Christianity told me for years was the outcome to being gay.

So what is the point to all of the thought, stress, growth or energy that I have involuntarily applied to this subject?

That's only my first reaction. I reserve the right to change it later as I have time to think and process more.

But today, I've got work to do and a role to play. The world is whirling at a frenzied pace, and it's all good.

Women's Work

"I don't hate anybody, but I hate housework."

I hate cleaning house! I hate laundry! I hate dusting! I hate laundry! I hate it.

So I learned a trick from a college friend many years ago. He came to school in the fall with enough clean clothes to get through Christmas Break. He went home for Christmas and took all of his dirty laundry for Mom to wash. When he came back after Christmas, he had enough clean clothes to make it through the rest of the school year.

I didn't even own enough clothes to go three weeks - and that's getting four days out of each pair of underwear (right side out, wrong side out, right side out and backwards and wrong side out and backwards).

Now I have enough clothes to provide for a small Central American country, and do laundry about every three months. I try to make sure to change the sheets on my bed whenever we change the clocks. And today's the day. I got that washer and dryer screamin' for mercy. I've found that by doing this chore every three months, I get to enjoy it.

And tonight is my sister in law's birthday party, so we're gonna eat some good German food, drink some concoction made of Amaretto, beer and orange juice from some place called Edna's and go dancin'. Everyone else will drink way too much, but I'm driving.

But for a few hours, I will endure the women's work I have to do and try to enjoy it, knowing that I won't have to do it again until around the fourth of July!

How Do You Guys Make Any Money?

"It's always interesting to see what you look like from someone else's eyes."

One of the ongoing projects we have going at work is a 2,000 sq ft building expansion. Part of that expansion involved having an electrician come put in lights, fans, outlets, etc. in the new building. So the electrician and his crew spent a couple of days with us this week. Late in the second day, the guy makes the following observation to my bro:

"Let me ask you a question if you don't mind. I've been here for two days now, and I see you watch a lot of YouTube videos. That guy (across from by bro who does shipping/receiving/inventory) watches a ton of basketball highlights. The girl up front spends quite a bit of time on facebook and playing Sudoku  I walked by that guy's office up front (referring to yours truly) and he was sound asleep.

"How the hell do you guys make any money? Nobody seems to do anything."

Well, my bro shrugs and laughs it off, then later we talked about it (after work over a vodka martini).

I had to get over the implied insult, that we're a bunch of lazy folks that goof off all day and do just enough work to justify our existence, and my response, "who the hell is this guy to come in and criticize our company? After all, we're making enough money to pay his sorry ass."

But then I realized his observation was a badly worded compliment, not an insult. He gets up early every day and goes to work in the heat or cold, works his ass off until dark, then does paperwork. And he does this six days a week. I think he really wanted to know how we manage to work about a third has hard as he works, and still seem to be doing OK. I think maybe he'd like to do that too.

And, I admit it, I am prone to an after lunch power nap now and then - well mostly every day. We even bought a massage chair for the office, and suggested everyone take advantage of it for 20 minutes a few times a week.

Then I remembered the years that I spent driving all night, working all day, driving all night to get to the place where I had to work all day the next day. I did that a very much lot back in the day. Meanwhile, during the times I was gone my staff would fight with each other like a bunch of four year olds at McDonald's. I knew my clients were caught in the crossfire, and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

And there are times when we work hard too. Next week is going to be crazy, and this whole year has definitely been a lot busier than a couple of years ago. In 2009 it seems like we sat around listening to the crickets chirp for weeks at a time. We definitely weren't building new buildings or buying new servers or hiring fat electricians.

Anyway, the whole event became just another angle - a new dimension - of what a good thing we have going. We really are getting a lot done. Momentum is rising, and we're busy. And what a great thing it is that we have the time and luxury to actually enjoy the ride.

I therefore offer my sincere thanks to that electrician for pointing it out to all of us.

Happy St Patrick's Day

"Gotta Luv Green Boxers."

The Luck of the Irish

"The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike."

Those of us who believe in a universally objective way of things, in a system of order and not chaos, and who also believe that there is a purpose, process and point to the world, our lives and everything in between, and who believe in a God who creates, controls and constrains everything that exists are at times confronted with what appears to be evidence that directly contradicts our belief system.

This evidence is the random, nonsensical events that happen to all of us from time to time.

Some really shitty things happen to good people who have spent their entire lives loving and honoring the God that is supposed to be big enough, strong enough, smart enough and caring enough to protect them from such events. For people of faith, these events are extremely frustrating. Especially when some really great things happen to people who live their lives just the opposite.

We have a million ways to cover up our frustration. We say that, "God works in mysterious ways" and we blame our lack of understanding, our own shortcomings and our failure to live up to the standards God sets for us. Sometimes, we even say that God is trying to teach us something by throwing bad things in our lives. We try so hard to cover up our frustration that it gets down right silly at times.

Personally, I am not one of those who believes that God preordained each snowflake before the world was ever formed. I do believe in the order of the universally objective way of things, and I believe that a certain randomness is a part of that order - call it luck.

Some luck is good and some is clearly bad. Sometimes luck works in our favor and sometimes it just sucks. Sometimes, luck is like Cinderella's fairy godmother and sometimes it is like the big bad wolf in the story of the three little pigs.

My perspective on the randomness of life is that luck is a constant, just like the more reliable constants we know about. Lady luck is a fickle partner, and I'm sorry for those who count on her the way I count on the Christian worldview. Since luck is always around, for those who believe in God and those who don't, I would contend that luck doesn't prove that faith is invalid. Instead, my contention is that faith is all the more valuable because of luck.

Faith allows me to approach life with the attitude of "heads I win, tails I don't lose," By faith, I look forward to and expect good results from the crop that I plant throughout life. By faith, I can cope with random bad things because I know that I have help, providence and comfort in the worst circumstances. By faith I can embrace good things and endure bad things that happen randomly, knowing that Christ is Lord of all.

But to the extent that I am able to choose good luck, I do so with exuberance. And since the day of the leprechaun is tomorrow, for the record, I choose good luck for myself and everyone else within my circle.

Several Random Thoughts

"Sometimes a sound byte is all that is necessary."

First, of course and obviously, my heart goes out to Japan. It's not just the loss of life, the fear of what might happen with the nuclear reactors, the fact that what was in an instant is not, the overwhelming power of nature, the mindset of the people to survive this thing together and overcome it, the fleeting nature of 'stuff' or the way the world has responded. Any of those components deserve a whole post (but CNN, etc is doing a great job of saying everything that can be said at least a thousand times between commercials).

Where this hits home is the knowledge that each of us, individually and corporately, is subject to a life changing event at any time. We need to live our lives as if one is coming tomorrow. We need to make each day count and respect each moment as the gift that tsunamis and earthquakes show us that it is. We need to make our words and works mean something, and live with respect for each other. Either life is important or it is not. I believe it is, and therefore is always. It is good to be reminded how precious life really is.

Second, kudos to my oldest group of clients from the computer days of my life. I still have a small group of agricultural businesses that I do computer work for, and have since 1983. This is the closest thing I have to a long term relationship. I spent Sunday afternoon (because that's the only time I had) with one of these clients, and thoroughly enjoyed the day. The extra money is good and the brain exercise of remembering things I knew 20 years ago and have long since forgotten is cool. Two or three times a year, it's really nice to be needed. And it's really an ego boost to know that there exists at least one thing that I know more about than anyone else on the planet.

Third, especially in light of the situation in Japan, I have a nephew out in the remote parts of Africa just now that I want to keep in mind. We haven't heard anything from him, which is not unexpected. IPhones don't work there. But, per my previous post about Zambia, I hope he is doing well and learning a lot.

Fourth, tomorrow my church is starting a new outreach to feed (and not preach at) the homeless people of Oklahoma City. There will be a truck full of food, and they're going to the camps to distribute it there. We're going to do this twice each month. It's a really good and necessary project. I want to be more of a part of it as time goes by. For now, I just want to acknowledge and appreciate the people organizing this thing. Why should a very small gay church be doing this when there are so many big churches with so much more money that could easily handle this? Who knows? But I'm proud of my church for taking this on.

Finally, thanks for reading my blog. My blog is more of a journal than anything. I'm not writing it to impress anyone or sell anything. I'm writing it as a self expression, and to document the building momentum in and around my life. But I am amazed and humbled that so many people from so many places are tripping over it and (according to the Stats page) are reading more than a few pages. It's always cool to get seven or 12 page hits in the same few minutes. It shows that someone took time to read through this thing a little, and I hope it is meaningful. (And I wish more people would comment.)

I guess that's it for now. I'll be more organized next time.

An Undivided Heart

"A man cannot serve two masters."

Our "yes's", used as building blocks of our character, keep our hearts free from pollution such as jealousy, anger, bitterness and greed. Another way to express a pure heart is an undivided heart. Personally, I have a lot more trouble maintaining an undivided heart than I ever have maintaining an unpolluted heart.

I see the down side to the pollution. I know people who have created their own personal hell of bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, etc. They try to escape through pleasure or addiction, but everything they do reinforces and strengthens the house they've built. I have no desire to live with a polluted heart, and as soon as I recognize the pollutants, I start working to get rid of them - usually through a liturgy of "yes's".

The concept of an undivided heart is pretty simply stated: "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Translation: Seek, Love and Assign Value to that which is universally Good, Pure, True and Right and pay absolutely no attention to the rest. Listen to and enjoy the music of life, and disregard the noise.

It's easy to say and hard to do.

First of all, I need an ear that can distinguish between music and noise. The difference is a little subjective and mostly not subjective. There is a structure and order to music. A pure (unpolluted) heart accepts the music and filters out the noise. A pure (undivided) heart never hears the noise. It only listens to music. In fact, an undivided heart hears the faintest music in the presence of a lot of noise.

A pure, unpolluted, undivided heart recognizes the good in everything and everyone. It emphasizes and draws attention to the good, even in the worst circumstances. By doing so, it causes the good to grow, to become more important and observable than the rest. A pure heart lights up the good like a flood light lights up the darkness. I want to be like this.

At times in my life, I have been. I've shined my light into situations and watched as the good grew and the rest fell away. Even the most beautiful flowers grow in just plain old dirt. The dirt is not important. The beauty of the flower is.

I have seen first hand the impact of this kind of thinking. People get so attached to the noise. I went to lunch once with a guy who was having a whole lot of trouble getting his head around a programming project we were involved in. In less than an hour, I helped him see through that fog and the corresponding fog that surrounded his whole professional life. He got the project done and changed completely. All it took was a little encouragement from someone who could discern the difference between the music and the noise, and point out the music. He did the rest himself. But lunch that day was a turning point, and I am honored to have been a part of it.

Second, I need not to be overwhelmed. Many times I reach the point that I don't want to hear anything - music or noise. I just want everything to be quiet. This doesn't happen in real life. The music and the noise is constant. The volume, intensity and sheer amount of it all gets to me a lot. An undivided heart is not overwhelmed. It is strong, secure and focused. I am not.

But in the few moments of life where my heart has been pure, whole and clean, I have seen wonderful things happen. Life is good. The power of choice can produce amazing results. Faith really does create things that never existed before (good things and bad things).

I want an unpolluted, undivided, focused, sensitive heart. I want my 'yes's' to have an impact and be meaningful. I want not just to hear the music, but dance to it. I want the noise to just pass by me like a fart in the wind.

This is the third little pig's house.

The Jim Swilley Video

"I guess I didn't think the journey would be quite this long."

Wow. I finally got around to watching the video in the link in my previous post. I've been meaning to do it for a while, but avoided it for some reason. What can I say? This guy has walked in my shoes (or vise versa).

Especially lately, I've wondered if I hadn't made a huge mistake in coming out, in letting myself be myself instead of what I thought I should be (or something like that). After all, the catalyst for my journey was a lie. I bought a complete fraud and it changed my life. At first I felt liberated. I hated living a lie (which is why I actively avoided getting married). For years I felt ashamed and guilty about representing myself as something I was not, and once my 'secret' was out, I felt better.

But especially these past few months, I've been almost feeling more ashamed, isolated and embarrassed than ever. Not only did I walk away from things that were important to me, but I walked toward something that I only thought I saw, that turned out to be dust in the wind. My experience with the gay world hasn't been all that positive or rewarding, and I don't fit in there.

But what's done is done, and can't be taken back. And besides, the math is valid. I am what I am, and I can stand secure in the knowledge that God's presence, anointing, goodness and mercy follows me everywhere. Good things happen to people and projects I am involved with, and there's a whole history - a trail of bread crumbs - going back a very long way in my life to document that. My heart is not polluted, or divided. My conscience is clear and my faith is real. Just like this guy. So where does this isolated, shameful crap come from?

I'm not saying that I'm perfect. In fact, just the opposite. I'm not good enough. If I were good enough I wouldn't have been suckered in by a lie. If I were good enough, I'd have done the math years ago and not suffered with trying to be something I can't be. If I were good enough, ... well, I'm not. Gay, straight, Christian, businessman or whatever, I know more than I know anything what it is to be not good enough.

And somehow, life is really good. Good things have happened to me and to that with which I have to do. I am thankful and appreciative, and even a little proud. For someone who just isn't good enough, I've done OK. I know it's a conundrum. If I were good enough, I could figure it out.

As I watched the video, I knew that I am but one of a whole big bunch of people just like me. Each of us works our way through this (or fails to). I'm not alone, isolated or inadequate. I'm just not finished with the journey yet. (But I would be if I were good enough.)

I'm excited about what happens from here on.

Jim Swilley Coming March 20

"It's so hard to tell you, it's so hard to lie."

Jim Swilley is coming to Expressions OKC Sunday night, March 20. This is the guy who founded Church in the Now, the massive, non-denominational congregation in Conyers,GA in 1985. The church grew over 25 years, and throughout his almost four decades of ministry, Swilley struggled with being gay.

The amazing part about this guy is that when he told his congregation, they had enough respect for him and knew his heart well enough that they didn't stone him. They actually supported him fully.

I have experienced similar reactions with my Christian friends who I have come out to. I can't tell you how unexpected and wonderful that is. I thought I would lose several really good friends. I am so thankful that I haven't lost any, and now I don't have to live a lie. Now I wish I had done it years ago.

I can only imagine the trauma this guy experienced as he was getting ready to come out to his congregation and the whole world through the internet. I have never heard him speak, but already have so much respect for him, I can't even find the words.

See the video where he reveals to his congregation that he is gay. 

 I am really looking forward to seeing him in person and hearing what he has to say.

National People's Radio

"We've just exposed the true hearts and minds of NPR and their executives,"

Yeah, right. Like everyone who listens to NPR doesn't know that they're the 21st century version of Tokyo Rose. I don't mind, BTW. I don't even mind them representing themselves as unbiased. I don't mind FOX News doing the same thing on the other edge of the spectrum either. If I ever listen to either, I consider it entrainment not news. Unfortunately, in the U.S. our news sources are no more unbiased or reliable than those in the People's Republic.

I'm not sure what can be done to make things better. Most people in the US don't really want news. They want sound bytes that make them feel better or reinforce their own points of view. So long as they have enough information to participate in the discussions around the water cooler at work, they're satisfied. Complicated issues from diplomacy to monetary policy are reduced to a few well written lines of half truths to satisfy the masses and pave the way for the next commercial.

Consider this, concerning last night's senate vote in Wisconsin:

Headline: 'Wisconsin State Senate Makes Bold Move to Solve Budget Crisis'

Headline: "Wisconsin State Senate Strips Rights from Public Unions"

Question: Which headline is better?

Answer: Whichever one holds your attention through the commercial.

I think that if we knew the truth about things, most of us would be appalled and/or terrified. Sometimes, it's just better that we don't know. But for those who do want more and better information about the economic, political, social, spiritual, environmental or medical issues going on, always keep an ear out for what they're not telling you on the news. What they don't say is always as important as what they do say.

Unfortunately that takes a lot of time and effort. So let's see. I can spend a ton of time and energy finding out that which I really don't want to know, or I can watch World Nightly News and get just enough information to pretend I'm well informed and feel good about life. Tough call.

But why should NPR receive public funding when FOX doesn't?

Big Fat Tuesday!

"You play, you pay."

Well, I really out did myself on Fat Tuesday this year.

I had three beers instead of my normal two. And I ate more Hideaway Pizza than anyone should ever eat at one sitting.

Man, am I paying for it this morning! I'm such a wild man.

Zambia Bound...

"In other lands across the sea are little children just like me,
and I must go and tell them there that Jesus' love is everywhere."

Well, not me. My nephew leaves tomorrow, and will be the third from our family in the past few years to walk the paths through a few remote villages, a prosperous banana farm and soon to be orphanage in Zambia, Africa. Situated very close to the Zambia/Zimbabwe border at the convergence of two rivers, the farm we have helped establish will soon be home to 50 Zambian homeless children.

Originally, the vision was to establish a banana farm with other cash crops to be used to feed the local villages and generate revenue for the farm. As the project has matured, it is now (almost) able to support an orphanage.

HIV/AIDS is well beyond epidemic proportions in much of Africa, including Zambia. Many children from as young as three years old are facing life on their own as their parents have died from AIDS. Grown ups are dying daily of AIDS the hard way - with no medicine or relief from this terrible disease. The children die slowly, as there are just to many of them for the rest of the community, which is struggling to eat already, to absorb.

Africa as a continent has so many problems. The whole world has reached out to this part of the earth for many years, and it doesn't seem like things are getting any better. Their worldviews, political conditions and tribal heritage all work against them. These problems can't be fixed by planting some bananas and corn. But the children need to eat. They need to learn. They deserve the opportunity to be the generation that changes their destiny. And I am very proud to have had a role in making that possible, even for just a few.

One inescapable fact as I walked through this other-world is that these people are just like us. They feel pleasure and pain, they are emotional and ambitious. They want better lives and good things for their families. They want a life they can be proud of. They want to love and be loved. They are passionate, caring, wonderful people, and I genuinely loved being there and meeting them.

My hope for my nephew is that he will develop an appreciation for the life he has here. I hope he comes home with a burning desire to make the most of what he has been given, knowing that but for the grace of God he might himself be one of those homeless Zambian kids. We have been given much in this country, and to squander that gift with a self-centered, party boy life is inappropriate to the point of immoral.

My hope is that my nephew would gain a little more respect for his family, and realize his dad is more than just the guy that chews his ass all the time. Maybe as he wonders around remote Africa, he can see a little more substance to his dad's heart. Maybe when he gets home, he can connect a little more with the vision of the business and the family, and figure out how to join in.

My hope is that my nephew will realize that the world is full of bigger problems than whether his Iphone can connect to a WiFi hotspot, and that he has the ability and responsibility to help solve some of them.

My hope is that he will grow up a little, and continue to grow in to the man he will eventually become. I hope the ugliness and the beauty of all that's happening in Zambia will impact him as much as it impacted me.

An Unpolluted Heart

"From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."

Another advantage to using our "yes's" as building blocks of our character is that it helps us keep our hearts pure. I used to be in the computer business, and one of the most famous cliches in the industry is, "Garbage In, Garbage Out". Our hearts work the same way.

Medical science knows this, but only thinks of it in terms of food and drink. Heart disease kills more Americans than anything else, and diet gets the blame. "We Are What We Eat", right?

But I think that a more important cause of heart disease (and a whole lot of other miserable human conditions) comes from what we allow into our character. This type of heart food is more influential to our overall health and well being than health science will ever understand.

Healthy heart foods include: joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self control, that which is honorable and worthy of praise, courage, perseverance, a heart of service, generosity, a willingness to believe in people, a desire to help others grow and succeed, mercy, discipline and hope.

Unhealthy heart foods are things like: jealousy, prejudice, fear, bitterness, anger, self centeredness, cowardice, revenge, greed, pessimism, fault finding, criticism, being judgemental toward others, depression and pessimism, unforgiveness and hatred.

The lists above are by no means complete, but I think each of us knows intuitively what is good heart food and what is not. And someone may notice that many of the things listed above are not actions, but results. Bitterness or prejudice may be the result of something someone else has done to us, not something we willingly participate in. I understand that life may set bad food before us. but it's our choice - our responsibility - to eat the right things. Nobody else can make that choice for us.

Many people embrace bad food, and draw energy from it. Anger and jealousy are great sources of short term energy.. But their long term effects are negative, and more often than not the short term impact of the energy these things produce are destructive as well. This is not good food.

It is hard for us to keep our hearts pure and unpolluted with the junk food so readily available in life. But it is essential if we are to live happy, healthy lives and be all that we are created to be. The man with a strong character, set on purpose as a result of seeking that which is universally Pure, Right, True and Good has the upper hand in straining out the pollution and eating only good food. It's not always easy, but the benefits to living this way are worth the effort.

A Good, Clean Conscience

"No Good Thing will He withhold from those who walk in integrity."

There are several advantages to saying "Yes" to the right things in life, and using those "yes's" as the building blocks of one's character. The first one is a good, clean conscience.

Guilt, in my opinion, is the most vitally worthless human emotion there is. It is vital in that it helps us know when we get out of sync with ourselves and the character we are striving to build. Outside of that context, it's a destructive, painful, negative influence that tortures us, and should be treated as an enemy of our soul.

Guilt is designed to work like an alarm clock. It's job is to sound off loudly when we need to wake up. In this way, a guilty conscience is a safety net and a compass that helps us stay on track in life. When the alarm sounds, we need to 1) hear it. 2) judge it. and 3) act on that judgment. If the alarm is valid, we need to change course and not proceed with whatever we're doing that set off the alarm in the first place. If it's a false alarm, we need turn off the alarm and go on with our life.

Our conscience needs to be trained, just like our mind needs to be educated. When we're not doing anything wrong, and our conscience is blaring loudly, we need to take control of our conscience and teach it the difference between a valid and a false alarm. Under no circumstances should our conscience be allowed to torture us into conforming to someone else's vision of us.

Our character and our conscience should work together, with one goal.. Our character, built on purpose in the context of the third little pig's house, should have the authority and ability to stand as judge over our conscience. When we're doing what's right, and our conscience nags at us anyway, our character is sufficient to overrule the conscience and shut it down. On the other hand, when our conscience discerns a discrepancy between our character and our actions, the conscience should judge our character and we should submit to it. Taken together our character and conscience should work like our right and left feet work together and allow us to walk effortlessly and safely.

The odd thing is that people with a weak character often have a most belligerent conscience. They feel bad about themselves when someone says, "Good Morning". They lack the integrity to say, "Look, Conscience. Here's what I'm doing and here's why. Now get on board with the plan and shut the f.. up." The result is that their conscience bullies them around and beats them like red-headed step children. This is no way for a human being to live.

But the man with a strong character, set on purpose as a result of seeking that which is universally Pure, Right, True and Good has the integrity to pass all of life's tests - including and especially those mandated by his own conscience. He does not walk in guilt and fear, and he knows no shame. He walks in the confidence and security of a son of a King.

So what is "yes" again?

"...and they sang and danced together gayly/"

The best picture of "Yes" I can think of is each brick that the third little pig used to build his house that was safe and strong against the huffing and puffing of the big bad wolf. The other two pigs laughed at him and called him names, but he held his ground and built his house that saved him and the others from teeth that eat little pigs every day.

Each of us builds our house with "yes's". We see what our house looks like when we look in the mirror, when others look at us, when the storm comes, etc. A half-blind man standing on the moon with a bad pair of binoculars can see a good, strong house. Our house tells us - and the rest of the universe - who we are, what we stand for, what is important to us and what is not.

The third little pig builds his house on purpose, being careful about what he says 'yes' to and by implication what he says 'no' to as well. Not everyone who knows him likes him or respects his efforts. But everybody who knows him knows what he stands for, what he believes in, who he is and what he values. His house is a place of healing, growth and protection for those who connect with him. His character and self expression are substantial, meaningful and effectual. 

This is fundamentally different from the first little pig who lives in the Abyss and says 'yes' all the time. But his yes doesn't mean anything. "Yes", "No", "It Doesn't Matter" and "I Don't Care" all mean virtually the same thing - absolutely nothing. "Yes" today is liable to be "No" tomorrow, and the first little pig doesn't even know that he changed his answer. He has no clue that he is building his house, or that a house has any real value anyway. His character and self expression are meaningless.

The second little pig uses "Yes" as a tool to an end. His 'yes' is only a way to manipulate others into doing what he wants them to do or making them give him something. He says 'yes' but only as long as it gives him pleasure or causes others to serve him. When he's finished with them, he discards them (and his "yes's") altogether. He too knows not that he is building his house. He thinks himself clever, and the center of his universe. His character and self expression are mean, selfish and destructive.

Human beings have the responsibility and freedom of choice. Choices come from values. Values come from character. Character comes from choices. I know, it's a circle. Over time, the circle takes on the attributes of a boulder bouncing down the mountainside. There's a certain inevitability to it as momentum builds and life goes faster.

This is exactly why we need to find and become intimately acquainted with that which is universally Right, Pure, True and Good, and that we learn to align our "Yes" with it. This is where the worldview discussion kicks in. It's the only way we're ever going to know how to build our houses. Life will judge us, and in the end everyone will know whether we did well.

Or we can play in the straw and tell ourselves that the big bad wolf is only a fairy tale. After all, that which we ignore does not exist, right? But Wisdom would suggest that we find the third little pig, and at least stay in his good graces - just in case.

One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

"In an 8-1 ruling, the court says the First Amendment protects members of the fundamentalist Westboro Baptist Church, who have staged anti-gay protests outside military funerals."

You've got to be kidding.

This is OK? But driving 7 mph over the speed limit costs $200?

This is OK? But praying for our soldiers at school is wrong?

This is OK? But it's different than the KKK how exactly?

This is OK? But I bet whatever those 'Supreme' Court justices are smokin' is illegal as hell.

This is not an expression of God. It's an expression of hate dressed up in religion like a bad drag queen. The good news is that almost 100% of of Americans know that this is not OK. Except for 8 dumb-ass judges and 150 hateful morons from Kansas, almost everybody knows this is the exact, polar opposite of OK.

Thank God for that, anyway.

Ummmmm. OOPS

"Now Wait Just A Damn Minute Here. "

I have just realized that Easter isn't until April 24th, so I have a whole 'nother month to think about Houston. Life is moving fast enough without rushing it!

And another thing...My birthday is in April too. And I'm going to be 48. I thought I already was 48. I'm a year ahead of myself there too.

Wow! A Free Birthday. That's really cool!

Momentum: March Madness

"One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, Let's GO,, GO, GO!"

Is it really time to turn the calander over again and talk about March? March means the dying gasps of Winter and the timid advances of Spring. Easter, Mardi Gras, planning my yard, riding my bike, opening up our place at the lake, being outside and finding my way out of hibernation is usually what March means.

I'm thinking of making my not-really-annual but now-and-then trip to Houston for Jungle 18 and Bunnies on the Bayou over Easter Weekend. It's the only really gay thing I ever do, only because I have a friend who lives there and lets me tag along. Only gay thing? Yeah, Right. I have so many OGT's that if I didn't do such a good job of covering them up...oh well. I guess I should say it's tho only gay PARTY thing I do. And it's a hell of a party...maybe just what I need this year. Even if I don't go, it's good motivation to spend some quality time on my bike.

What am I talking about? Who has time for that? I actually had to work last Saturday for the first time in years. I'm so far behind. I''ve got so much to do around here - and it all costs money. It seems to me like life is going faster this year than it ever has before. There is so much going on that I (for the first time in my memory) have the option of just picking and choosing what I want to take in. The rest just goes by.

Time is flying, and I feel as high as Friday Night Barfly. I love being busy, energized and fast paced. Especially when all of that momentum actually accomplishes something.

So bring on March. I vow to enjoy every possible minute of it.