50 And All's Well

"Turning 50 isn't the end of the world."

Well, I made it. And all is well.

For my birthday my bro is taking me to Vegas for a long weekend. We're also going to go see Elton John in concert. That will really be fun.

Other than that, the day was uneventful and routine, just like I wanted it to be.

At some point, I still need to think through what happens next. But not today.

The Verdict Is In

"I'm not good enough, but I wouldn't trade places with anyone."

I think (hope?) it is normal when one crosses a milestone in life (like turning 50 tomorrow) to reflect on the past asking questions like, "What's Right?", "What is wrong?", What happens now?", etc. I've obviously been asking those questions for the past couple of months. I've found some things that are finally wrong enough to motivate me to change them - hence the Wellness and Strength focus this year.

And I think that my 50th anniversary of existence will come down the same as always where those questions are concerned.

I'm not good enough. There's a ton of evidence and more than enough witnesses to support that verdict, and there's really no defense. I've had the best opportunities, exposure to some of the best people on the planet and was provided with more knowledge of God than most people I know. I know many people who have done far more with far less. In many ways I feel like I've missed the bull's-eye in life.

But I'm in a good place. Even if I didn't do it right, life has been pretty good to me. I have less stress and am less busy than anyone I know. I have enough money, plenty of time, a heart that can still love deeply and is relatively unpolluted and undivided. And I'm happy.

I haven't done it lately, but in the past few years I've checked in on some of the people who have been the most belligerent at telling me I'm not good enough, and they got shit. I wouldn't trade places with any of them. If they're so much better than me, and I'm so not good enough, they are the ones that should have more to show off, not me.

Russell Westbrook, all star point guard for the OKC Thunder NBA team provides a great picture of life for me just now. Just a couple of years ago, everyone was on his case. They nicknamed him 'Worstbrook' and thought we should get rid of him. This week, he hurt his little knee and you'd think that the balance of power in the whole free world changed because of it. I'm glad he didn't believe in the people who said he wasn't good enough.

Anyway, who said I was supposed to be good enough? I'm a great guy, and that is good enough.

For all of those who don't think so, I'm truly sorry. Your lives would be better if you thought otherwise.

Gay, Straignt or Fifty?

"If I haven't figured it out by now, I never will."

I used to think that the world was divided between gay and straight.

As I approach 50, I realize that my world is actually divided between gay, straight and 50.

There were things I could do when I was 4 that were inappropriate when I was 20. Other things, appropriate when I was 20 are inappropriate at 50. I'm not making statements here that apply to anyone else on the planet except me. But for me, the whole gay/straight thing is no longer an appropriate subject for me to invest myself in any more.

I have no interest in being an advocate for anything, especially in the political arena, especially in a paradigm where there is so much passionate hate on both sides. I do hope that the next generation of people like me who love God and are gay have the opportunity to live life without the oxymoron. I hope that in the future they won't have to live a lie or try to be something they aren't.

I have never had any desire to live in Sodom and Gomorrah. There is a dark side of the gay world, just as there is a dark side of the straight world. I have no interest in either. I am the polar opposite of a dirty old man, and there is no way that will ever change. I have compared this part of life to the ghetto, and am sad for those who have decided to live there. I am more sad for those who (at least from their own points of view) have been forced to live there by a family, society or culture that will not tolerate them anyplace else.

I would probably try to do something to help people escape the ghetto, but I don't know anything about life there or how to relate to those who call the ghetto home. And of that I am not ashamed.

It would have been great to fall in love with someone when I was in my 20's and try to build a life together. But that's not how it worked out for me. For ten years, I have stood on the outskirts as an outsider looking in, and never found a place inside the gay world to land. I've only met two gay guys that I thought I could have a relationship with that would last longer than an evening. One went bananas and the other turned me off like a bad TV show.

So be it. This is part of who I am, but in my case it's not a very big part. I'm done and out.

As I turn 50, for me the gay paradigm becomes inappropriate. I'm actually excited to be free of it.

If I ever have to answer questions about my sexuality in the future, the answer will be, "I am alone. Just like I have been my whole life." In case that sounds depressing, it's not. Somehow it fits me and feels right. I'm good with it.

Time Flies When You're Damn Near Fifty

"Life is too short to safely remove USB devices."

There's just one week left before I turn 50. And a busy week it is shaping up to be.

It starts tonight with an invitation to joyfully watch the OKC Thunder empty the Rockets in Game 1 of Round 1 of the NBA playoffs. We're going to be in one of the suites with people who have a lot more money and influence than I. Should be a blast. (That little Russian shit is still in custody in Boston, right?)

And my cousin is coming from Denver this week. She's always a lot of fun.

And the Oklahoma City Arts Festival is here this week. That's always the most expensive 'free admission' venue of the year for me. I always find something in my price range (barely) that I think I can't live without.

And the personal training continues. I don't get a vacation until I've been doing it full time for at least six months. Oh, wait. I'm establishing some momentum there, and don't want to disrupt it just yet.

Work is crazy busy.

Who has time to turn 50? Surely not I.

But, just as Spring is coming no matter what Winter thinks of it, I will turn 50 Monday next. Since I plan to live forever in one world or another, I don't think 50 is that big of a deal. But I have some tidbits to throw out before the event actually happens.

There are a couple of specific issues that I want to write about, but overall I think I've been fifty since I was thirty-five. I'm actually pretty excited to be able to act my age for the first time in years. With a couple of exceptions, life is good, and I'm happy with it. That's the backdrop against which I approach 50.

I don't theink the event will actually be very traumatic. And it's going to be fun to be busy enough not to worry about it this week.

3 Lbs, 2 Weeks, Low Torque

"What does a scale know anyway?"

Well, it's been two weeks exactly since I started working with a trainer and following his meal plan. I've lost 3 lbs. according to the scale, and converted an additional 5 lbs. of fat to muscle (if I correctly understood the rocket science body fat machine crap).

Nothing to jump up and down about (which means I probably need to jump up and down summore).

I guess I was expecting a little more, but I probably shouldn't have. As I explained to my trainer, I am a solid 'C' student.

I have made a ton of progress that the scale knows nothing about.

The digestion issues, acid reflux, bloating, heartburn stuff is completely gone altogether. That is enough progress in two weeks all by itself.

The shoulder, elbow and back issues are well under control. My shoulder and arm don't hurt at all when I exercise or just move it around like it used to. I was probably more worried about this issue than my weight. I was anticipating some orthopedic surgery remedy (something about rotator cuff) if I discussed it with the doctor. I had therefore not discussed it.

But by far the most surprising aspect of my first two weeks is that I am actually having a great time. I went in to this thing thinking about taking my medicine. I need it. It's better than the alternative. I have to just put on a smile and go do this with a good heart because it's the right thing to do for where I am in life just now.

The truth is that I am having a blast.

It's not like we're doing anything I haven't done before. I know my way around the gym a little. I understand the importance and mechanics of an exercise routine. This time is different. I'm not sure why or how exactly. But I'll take it.

So, even though the scale says we're off to a slow start, I feel better. I'm having fun and seeing results.

That'll work.

Boston

"This shouldn't happen in Boston."

First off, I join the chorus of people all over the world and offer my condolences and sympathy to the city of Boston and those impacted by recent events there.

I've had a day to get acclimated to the events at the Boston Marathon, and the flashbacks from April, 1995 here in Oklahoma City have subsided. My overwhelming thought on the matter is, "Why does stuff like this happen in Boston and Oklahoma City? These places don't deserve this kind of catastrophe."

I don't think the random killing and maiming of innocent people who are just going about their days is ever a good thing. Terrorism is not warfare. There are ways to make one's point without causing such indiscriminate damage or loss of life. Humanity, with or without God, needs to mature to the point where the whole species, even the least of us, understands that this kind of thing is as unthinkable as a square circle or division by zero.

My prediction is that the perpetrator in this case turns out to be a skinny white guy that is mad at the world, just like the incident in Oklahoma City. But whoever did this is undoubtedly is proud of themselves just now. And that alone is enough of a tragedy all by itself.

As bad as this would be in any city on earth, even in places like Afghanistan or Pakistan where events like this are commonplace, the fact that this happened in Boston just makes the whole thing worse.

This stuff never seems to happen in Miami, Detroit, Newark, etc. I've been to cities all over America, and they are not created equally. Different cities have different personalities and some cities are crappy for reasons other than geography. There are many cities that I have spent some time in and would as soon never visit again.

But Boston, Oklahoma City Chicago, Denver, Houston and a host of other cities all over this country are filled with wonderful, loving, happy people that love Life and get along just fine. These cities should be immune somehow from the urges of crazy people who think they have a point to make through acts of terrorism.

Personally, I really like Boston, and would retire there if I could figure out how. It has the best of all worlds, and I really like the people there. I'm genuinely sorry for what happened there this week. It's a real shame.

Oh Boy!

"I need a drink!"

I just wrote checks to the Federal and State Mafias for significantly more than my annual salary.

I didn't do it this year, but in the past I have taken a quick poll of coworkers in my circle of influence. First I asked if they knew how much their refund would be this year. Everyone knew exactly.

The second question is whether they knew how much they paid in taxes last year. Nobody knew.

It's not that I worked with stupid people, they just don't want to know. Their thinking is that there's nothing they can do about it anyway, and it's depressing. So it's better just not to know the answer.

But dammitt! It's important.

When I look at my own personal finances, specifically at where my money goes, the single biggest expense I have is my house. Every month I pay principle, interest, insurance and ... taxes. All of that taken together represents the single largest bite out of my paycheck every month.

The second biggest expense I have is Income Tax. I spend more money on taxes than I do on food, transportation, entertainment (even with Internet and TV) or anything else.

I'm spending more money on Taxes than I spend on anything else except my house. The expense is not optional and I am not satisfied with the value I receive for the money I spend. Outside of income tax, I pay all kinds of taxes already. Taxes out the wazoo are built into every product I buy - then I pay sales taxes on top of that. And the government is broke - and always looking for more revenue.

Personally, I think we have to shut this thing down a little. Sure, we need government. But we don't need one that's this big or this expensive. But unless and until the average American knows how much they are paying in taxes, nothing will ever change...except taxes will go up.

Choices And Outcomes

"All decisions are stupid if the outcome says so."

At the risk of saying more of nothing, I am ready to close up my thoughts on the Parable of the Talents (Matt. 25) in the context of my turning fifty this month. I am glad I have a good place to say it.

My thoughts lately have surrounded the servant not discussed in the text, who was given some number of talents and lost his master's stake outright. As I approach 50, it is painfully obvious that I've made some pretty bad investments and some stupid decisions, in hindsight at least, over the past half a century.

But it seems that there is an inherent disconnect between one's choices and the outcome those choices generate. There are no guarantees in life and bad things happen to good people every day. The converse is also woefully true. So the obvious wisdom of the parable, that success equates to good and faithful but failure equates to wicked and lazy, is bogus.

The sin of the one who buried his master's talent so it could be returned safely is in not making choices at all...not doing anything in fear of doing it wrong.

So what about the choices and decisions I've made and the lack of quantifiable results? Shouldn't good choices lead to positive outcomes just as good trees bear good fruit?

So here are my conclusions as I survey the landscape of my first 50 years as a human being.

One. Good decisions are good and bad decisions are bad regardless of the outcome. To understand choices in any other context is self defeating as the outcome is unknown at the time the choice is made. If we only make choices when the outcome is known in advance, we're not really making choices at all. We are burying our talents of faith, imagination, inspiration and creativity in the soil of fear and doubt. The parable defines this as wicked and lazy.

Two. Life is about taking risk. We reach out in faith and passion to attain that which does not exist and create that which is good. The whole universe is geared to provide that opportunity for us and allow the choices to play out. Almost any decision can lead to more than one outcome. If the one that develops is not the one we envisioned, we learn and grow.

Three. There is a built in margin of error. The process of creation through imagination and passion is hard. We're allowed to make mistakes. In my experience, over time the universe even helps mitigate those mistakes and compensates for the damage or failure they cause.

Four. It is OK to be disappointed in the outcome without being ashamed of the decision. We (or at least I) tend to tie those two reactions together. This is inappropriate and self destructive. I have made many decisions that didn't produce the outcome I wanted or expected. But I have actually made very few decisions that I am ashamed of.

Five. Other people are entitled to the same margin of error afforded to us. We need to quit judging, hating and condemning each other. The practice of stoning people should have ended when Christ said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." We need to learn to keep our rocks in our pockets - or just put them down. They serve no good purpose. (This is easy to say and hard to do, I know. But this post is about choices. This is a choice.)

Six. Overall, the process works. We need to keep trying, keep creating, keep learning and keep making choices that we believe will make life on earth better. We need to understand that the process of doing so is something we can believe in and hope in whether the outcome of any certain decision says so or not. In the parable, the master is the judge, not the outcome.

We need to understand that one good decision can change the rest of our lives. We need to be prepared, whether we're 50 or not, to make that decision when the opportunity presents itself. We need to do so with enthusiasm and faith, always anticipating the outcome that says, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

And, for now, I'm done with this parable and I'm one step closer to being ready to be 50.

The Trainer

"When the student is ready the teacher will come."

It took months for me to go find a personal trainer to help me get in better shape, lose weight and re-develop a more healthy, physically fit lifestyle. It's not really rocket science. It's just math. I need to create a 500 calorie deficit over what I was doing previously. I need to 'move more, eat less'. I need to, but I didn't.

So, I finally figured out I wasn't going to do it on my own. I'm not qualified to know what to do anyway (any more than I am qualified to prescribe my own medications). I'm not smart enough, diligent enough or committed enough to pull this off. It took a while, but I got there.

And there, waiting on me to get there, was the most perfect trainer for me that I could have imagined. Please meet Tylor.

He's the perfect trainer and a great guy.

He used to play professional baseball, which is an asset on two fronts. First, my shoulders and elbows are horribly weak, and baseball players know about that stuff first hand. Tylor knows exactly where to pull, push, stretch and poke around those areas. It's all the same stuff needed to throw a baseball across the diamond and get the out at the plate. Second, I love baseball. I could never play it, but baseball is the only sport I ever had any real interest in. I would love to have been able to step up to the plate and hit the ball - even just once.

He's a Canadian, and is stereotypically nice, easy going and fun to be around. For a jock, I really enjoy his company. I was sort of hoping to find someone with more of a medical or physical therapy bias. A friend of mine uses just such a trainer, and is very happy with him. But Tylor is a better match for me because he is the perfect balance between fun and intimidating. From an accountability perspective, I really don't want to get cross threaded with him.

And he gets it. He gets my humor and my situation. He knows I don't really want to be there, but need to embrace wellness and strength on a physical level. He doesn't dumb down our workouts or pull any punches when I slack off. But he makes the process enjoyable at the same time. At least subjectively, this is very important. I was really dreading starting a workout regimen at the gym. He has made the experience more than tolerable - even pleasant.

Overall, he's just what I would choose for a trainer. He's smart enough, engaging enough, mean enough and cute enough to keep me in the game. And he doesn't like tofu and bean sprouts either. He's got me eating good stuff that I like on a nutrition program that isn't a burden.

Wow. Why did I wait so long to track this guy down? I can't believe I actually feel this way, but I'm really excited to see what happens over the next few months.

(Since I basically just wrote a commercial for the guy, I guess I should add that he is at Anytime Fitness on W. Hefner Rd (Hefner and Rockwell). If anyone locally needs a good trainer, look him up. I'm sure he could use the business as much as you could use his special expertise. If he can make me excited to go to the gym, he can do about anything. Don't tell him I said that though. He'll raise his prices.)

The Gym

"OK, I'm all done being stupid."

Well, Since December, I've been thinking and talking about getting in better shape. More specifically, about eating better and exercising more. Less specifically, about Wellness and Strength as I turn 50 this year and start the second half century of my life.

And I have accomplished some things. I've starting vaping instead of smoking, and that's going pretty well. I never drink soda anymore. I'm taking better care of my mouth, trying to eat smarter and working out at home a little.

And on the scale, the sum total of all of that taken together is a big, fat, perfectly shaped zero.

And I realize that I've been an idiot. Why am I trying to figure all of this out when there are fitness gyms on every corner with educated and motivated personal trainers who already have all of this figured out?

Other people like going to the gym and working out. They want to look good for their wives or show off or be studs. I get it, but that's not who I am. Some older guys want to look like they're 25 again and so they work out, buy red convertibles and try to date 22 year old girls. Not this guy - although I do drive a red Jeep and the top comes off...hmmm.

For me, working out is like taking medicine. I don't want to, I need to. If I could figure out how to accomplish Wellness and Strength, be all that I can be and honor God without doing it, I would.

My thoughts this month are: If I need to work out, I need to treat it like medicine. I need to do it right (maximize the time invested in it, avoid injury and not waste time and energy doing it wrong).

I'm not the guy to do that, any more than I am the right guy to go browse through the prescription medicines behind the counter at a pharmacy and figure out what medicine to take. I need someone who knows what he's doing.

And I found him. We had our first workout together yesterday. I honestly think we accomplished more in an hour than I have accomplished in four months on my own. I'm excited, and ready for more medicine. More to follow...