40 Years Ago Today...

"I've made many decisions I'd like to have back, but not this one."

Forty years ago today, when I was nine years old attending Vacation Bible School at some backwards Baptist church, I made a decision to become a Christian. All of life taken together, it has been the one decision that has had the most impact on me - then and now.

I've second guessed that decision many times, of course. I've asked myself what made me able to make such a decision when I was that young and stick to it all these years. But Christianity, for me, passes all of those tests. I'm proud of who I am, and my identity is lost in Christ and everything He represents.

I don't have a story of being delivered from some great evil or being brought back from the edge of the universe, or being healed of some terrible disease. Other people have such stories, and many are legitimate. But those are not my story.

My story is of a faithful and effective connection between my deepest self and the God that created me and everything else on purpose, for purpose, in joyful anticipation of a destiny that is good. And at least through the lens of being 49 years old now, it seems like it was always that way even 40 years ago.

I remember being in High School when others did things I knew to be wrong. But I was Baptized, and those things weren't an option for me. Without criticizing them, I knew that my life needed to be different.

When I ran my own business, principles that I absorbed through Christianity found their way into every decision I made. I genuinely tried to make decisions that were in the best interests of my employees and customers, and that honored God and accomplished good things.

As I have grown older, my understanding of Christianity have grown, refined, coagulated and matured. But I don't think my passion has changed at all. I want to be everything that God created me to be, and I want to reflect and honor Him with all that I am - just like I did when I was 9 years old.

Oddly enough, I think being gay really helped the process of fervently developing my knowledge and commitment to Christ. Over and over again, the two seemed to collide. If indeed a gay Christian was (or is) an oxymoron, I choose Christ without reservation.

Had I been raised in an environment that could tolerate a gay Christian, had I known then what I know now, had I been pushed earlier in life to really think through the issues involved, my life would have been different and arguably better. But that isn't what happened. In my life before I turned 40, the two were mutually exclusive, and I chose one and rejected the other.

And today, as I look back over 40 years of being in Christ, it is wonderful to do so without regret. I am very thankful and excited to stand with Christ and all of the good things he brings to life. And given the cards I was dealt, I wouldn't change a thing.

Faith in "Yes"

"Money wrinkles. Things do decay. I put away my idols."

For some reason, I've been reading Daniel lately. This guy is not only the smartest guy in the bible (my opinion), he is also the guy whose life says, "Screw the consequences, I'm living what I believe - what I've said 'yes' to." The actual quote goes more like, "We may burn in your fire, but we will not bow to your God." He said that to the king of the whole known world at that time, the king of Babylon, who had already conquered Daniel's people and, from a certain point of view - at least at the time, already defeated Daniel's God.

I wish I had faith like that. I'm always second guessing my 'yes's'. And for good reason. I'm not the smartest guy on the planet. I'm just getting over a time in my life where I would say I didn't have any faith at all. Or to say it a different way, everything I had faith in seemed to fall apart, or amount to nothing. Faith failed, and I have nothing to show for it except a bunch of empty 'yes's', a lot of heartburn over events and decisions in my past, and some pretty deep depression at times.

Depression, it seems to me, comes from doing life wrong, and not knowing what to do to fix it. (Whether this premise is real or imaginary, the depression is real.) I walked on that road for a couple of years. I can still get there if I think about it much. I admit it. I want the idols. There is an appeal to money, sex, shallowness, no boundaries living. I'd rather have what I said 'yes' to when I said 'no' to those things. But if I can't have my 'yes', can I at least have a consolation prize?

Honestly, this is an ongoing situation from time to time - although not nearly has bad as it was a year or two ago. Even in the midst of the really wonderful Momentum of this year, when I am tired or lonely, these thoughts creep in.

But my 'yes's' that date clear back to my high school days have already prevented me from twisting off and seeking out the things I said 'no' to. I know nothing about drugs, I never developed the ability (or even the desire) to go out and get toilet hugging drunk. When I drink now, I just get sleepy. I know next to nothing about sex, and I can feel that part of my life becoming weaker and less important all the time.

What I have learned over the past couple of years is that I really have become my 'yes's'. I no longer have a real choice about that. My 'yes's' as a younger man have done exactly what they should have done, and even when my faith fell apart, the 'yes's' did their job - even without my support or faith in them.

And (most of the time) I'm glad. My depression and all of that other crap were (are?) nothing more than a natural event in life in my mid to late forties. I think every man goes through it to some extent. And as the clouds begin to disperse and the dust settles from that time of life, I am really glad to be who I am, stand for what I stand for and live the life I chose.

I don't have Daniel's faith. I'm not smart like he was. But thank God, I have my 'yes's'. I have the worldview, concepts, the wisdom I have accepted and said 'yes' to, which have become the bricks from which my house, my character, is built.

An Undivided Heart

"A man cannot serve two masters."

Our "yes's", used as building blocks of our character, keep our hearts free from pollution such as jealousy, anger, bitterness and greed. Another way to express a pure heart is an undivided heart. Personally, I have a lot more trouble maintaining an undivided heart than I ever have maintaining an unpolluted heart.

I see the down side to the pollution. I know people who have created their own personal hell of bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, etc. They try to escape through pleasure or addiction, but everything they do reinforces and strengthens the house they've built. I have no desire to live with a polluted heart, and as soon as I recognize the pollutants, I start working to get rid of them - usually through a liturgy of "yes's".

The concept of an undivided heart is pretty simply stated: "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Translation: Seek, Love and Assign Value to that which is universally Good, Pure, True and Right and pay absolutely no attention to the rest. Listen to and enjoy the music of life, and disregard the noise.

It's easy to say and hard to do.

First of all, I need an ear that can distinguish between music and noise. The difference is a little subjective and mostly not subjective. There is a structure and order to music. A pure (unpolluted) heart accepts the music and filters out the noise. A pure (undivided) heart never hears the noise. It only listens to music. In fact, an undivided heart hears the faintest music in the presence of a lot of noise.

A pure, unpolluted, undivided heart recognizes the good in everything and everyone. It emphasizes and draws attention to the good, even in the worst circumstances. By doing so, it causes the good to grow, to become more important and observable than the rest. A pure heart lights up the good like a flood light lights up the darkness. I want to be like this.

At times in my life, I have been. I've shined my light into situations and watched as the good grew and the rest fell away. Even the most beautiful flowers grow in just plain old dirt. The dirt is not important. The beauty of the flower is.

I have seen first hand the impact of this kind of thinking. People get so attached to the noise. I went to lunch once with a guy who was having a whole lot of trouble getting his head around a programming project we were involved in. In less than an hour, I helped him see through that fog and the corresponding fog that surrounded his whole professional life. He got the project done and changed completely. All it took was a little encouragement from someone who could discern the difference between the music and the noise, and point out the music. He did the rest himself. But lunch that day was a turning point, and I am honored to have been a part of it.

Second, I need not to be overwhelmed. Many times I reach the point that I don't want to hear anything - music or noise. I just want everything to be quiet. This doesn't happen in real life. The music and the noise is constant. The volume, intensity and sheer amount of it all gets to me a lot. An undivided heart is not overwhelmed. It is strong, secure and focused. I am not.

But in the few moments of life where my heart has been pure, whole and clean, I have seen wonderful things happen. Life is good. The power of choice can produce amazing results. Faith really does create things that never existed before (good things and bad things).

I want an unpolluted, undivided, focused, sensitive heart. I want my 'yes's' to have an impact and be meaningful. I want not just to hear the music, but dance to it. I want the noise to just pass by me like a fart in the wind.

This is the third little pig's house.

An Unpolluted Heart

"From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."

Another advantage to using our "yes's" as building blocks of our character is that it helps us keep our hearts pure. I used to be in the computer business, and one of the most famous cliches in the industry is, "Garbage In, Garbage Out". Our hearts work the same way.

Medical science knows this, but only thinks of it in terms of food and drink. Heart disease kills more Americans than anything else, and diet gets the blame. "We Are What We Eat", right?

But I think that a more important cause of heart disease (and a whole lot of other miserable human conditions) comes from what we allow into our character. This type of heart food is more influential to our overall health and well being than health science will ever understand.

Healthy heart foods include: joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self control, that which is honorable and worthy of praise, courage, perseverance, a heart of service, generosity, a willingness to believe in people, a desire to help others grow and succeed, mercy, discipline and hope.

Unhealthy heart foods are things like: jealousy, prejudice, fear, bitterness, anger, self centeredness, cowardice, revenge, greed, pessimism, fault finding, criticism, being judgemental toward others, depression and pessimism, unforgiveness and hatred.

The lists above are by no means complete, but I think each of us knows intuitively what is good heart food and what is not. And someone may notice that many of the things listed above are not actions, but results. Bitterness or prejudice may be the result of something someone else has done to us, not something we willingly participate in. I understand that life may set bad food before us. but it's our choice - our responsibility - to eat the right things. Nobody else can make that choice for us.

Many people embrace bad food, and draw energy from it. Anger and jealousy are great sources of short term energy.. But their long term effects are negative, and more often than not the short term impact of the energy these things produce are destructive as well. This is not good food.

It is hard for us to keep our hearts pure and unpolluted with the junk food so readily available in life. But it is essential if we are to live happy, healthy lives and be all that we are created to be. The man with a strong character, set on purpose as a result of seeking that which is universally Pure, Right, True and Good has the upper hand in straining out the pollution and eating only good food. It's not always easy, but the benefits to living this way are worth the effort.

A Good, Clean Conscience

"No Good Thing will He withhold from those who walk in integrity."

There are several advantages to saying "Yes" to the right things in life, and using those "yes's" as the building blocks of one's character. The first one is a good, clean conscience.

Guilt, in my opinion, is the most vitally worthless human emotion there is. It is vital in that it helps us know when we get out of sync with ourselves and the character we are striving to build. Outside of that context, it's a destructive, painful, negative influence that tortures us, and should be treated as an enemy of our soul.

Guilt is designed to work like an alarm clock. It's job is to sound off loudly when we need to wake up. In this way, a guilty conscience is a safety net and a compass that helps us stay on track in life. When the alarm sounds, we need to 1) hear it. 2) judge it. and 3) act on that judgment. If the alarm is valid, we need to change course and not proceed with whatever we're doing that set off the alarm in the first place. If it's a false alarm, we need turn off the alarm and go on with our life.

Our conscience needs to be trained, just like our mind needs to be educated. When we're not doing anything wrong, and our conscience is blaring loudly, we need to take control of our conscience and teach it the difference between a valid and a false alarm. Under no circumstances should our conscience be allowed to torture us into conforming to someone else's vision of us.

Our character and our conscience should work together, with one goal.. Our character, built on purpose in the context of the third little pig's house, should have the authority and ability to stand as judge over our conscience. When we're doing what's right, and our conscience nags at us anyway, our character is sufficient to overrule the conscience and shut it down. On the other hand, when our conscience discerns a discrepancy between our character and our actions, the conscience should judge our character and we should submit to it. Taken together our character and conscience should work like our right and left feet work together and allow us to walk effortlessly and safely.

The odd thing is that people with a weak character often have a most belligerent conscience. They feel bad about themselves when someone says, "Good Morning". They lack the integrity to say, "Look, Conscience. Here's what I'm doing and here's why. Now get on board with the plan and shut the f.. up." The result is that their conscience bullies them around and beats them like red-headed step children. This is no way for a human being to live.

But the man with a strong character, set on purpose as a result of seeking that which is universally Pure, Right, True and Good has the integrity to pass all of life's tests - including and especially those mandated by his own conscience. He does not walk in guilt and fear, and he knows no shame. He walks in the confidence and security of a son of a King.

So what is "yes" again?

"...and they sang and danced together gayly/"

The best picture of "Yes" I can think of is each brick that the third little pig used to build his house that was safe and strong against the huffing and puffing of the big bad wolf. The other two pigs laughed at him and called him names, but he held his ground and built his house that saved him and the others from teeth that eat little pigs every day.

Each of us builds our house with "yes's". We see what our house looks like when we look in the mirror, when others look at us, when the storm comes, etc. A half-blind man standing on the moon with a bad pair of binoculars can see a good, strong house. Our house tells us - and the rest of the universe - who we are, what we stand for, what is important to us and what is not.

The third little pig builds his house on purpose, being careful about what he says 'yes' to and by implication what he says 'no' to as well. Not everyone who knows him likes him or respects his efforts. But everybody who knows him knows what he stands for, what he believes in, who he is and what he values. His house is a place of healing, growth and protection for those who connect with him. His character and self expression are substantial, meaningful and effectual. 

This is fundamentally different from the first little pig who lives in the Abyss and says 'yes' all the time. But his yes doesn't mean anything. "Yes", "No", "It Doesn't Matter" and "I Don't Care" all mean virtually the same thing - absolutely nothing. "Yes" today is liable to be "No" tomorrow, and the first little pig doesn't even know that he changed his answer. He has no clue that he is building his house, or that a house has any real value anyway. His character and self expression are meaningless.

The second little pig uses "Yes" as a tool to an end. His 'yes' is only a way to manipulate others into doing what he wants them to do or making them give him something. He says 'yes' but only as long as it gives him pleasure or causes others to serve him. When he's finished with them, he discards them (and his "yes's") altogether. He too knows not that he is building his house. He thinks himself clever, and the center of his universe. His character and self expression are mean, selfish and destructive.

Human beings have the responsibility and freedom of choice. Choices come from values. Values come from character. Character comes from choices. I know, it's a circle. Over time, the circle takes on the attributes of a boulder bouncing down the mountainside. There's a certain inevitability to it as momentum builds and life goes faster.

This is exactly why we need to find and become intimately acquainted with that which is universally Right, Pure, True and Good, and that we learn to align our "Yes" with it. This is where the worldview discussion kicks in. It's the only way we're ever going to know how to build our houses. Life will judge us, and in the end everyone will know whether we did well.

Or we can play in the straw and tell ourselves that the big bad wolf is only a fairy tale. After all, that which we ignore does not exist, right? But Wisdom would suggest that we find the third little pig, and at least stay in his good graces - just in case.

'Not Yes' Usually Means 'No'

"Failure to answer the question is an answer all by itself."

A couple of days ago, I posted some comments about saying "Yes" on purpose, knowing full well that saying "Yes" to one thing automatically says "No" to many other things. My exhortation was to say "Yes" when it's appropriate, but be aware of what you're saying "No" to in the process.

Today, I am reminded of another principle about good decision making: For a decision to be a good decision, you actually have to make one. Failure to do so is every bit as much of a decision as either "Yes" or "No" - and the decision usually turns out to be "No". Hem-Hawing around, scratching your nuts, watching the baseball fly right over your head while you try to decide whether or not to catch it is a decision by default.

I am convinced that more decisions are made through indecision than by any other method. It's the cheesy-easy out. If you don't decide then (you think) you're not responsible for the outcome. If the result of something doesn't turn out to be the very best answer, one can always say, "It's not my fault, I didn't make that decision". Yeah, you let indecision make it for you. That's smart.

There are about a zillion causes of indecision. They range from needing someone else's approval, fear of doing the wrong thing, a feeling that the planets aren't lined up exactly right (or some other set of ambiguous factors) so you can't decide, not enough time to think it through, etc. Meanwhile, the whole universe sits and waits on you to figure out what you're gonna do until indecision decides for you and takes you off the hook.

Personally, I think things would be better if people would look at their choice, make a decision - and if they can't say 'yes', just say 'no'. Indecision will probably say 'No' anyway, so take yourself and the rest of the universe off the hook at the same time, and just say 'No' and be done. Sure, you have to accept the consequences of the "No'. You can't claim to be just an innocent bystander. But you and the rest of the whole universe can know that the answer is 'No' and go on, rather than sitting around waiting for you to make up your feeble mind.

And another thing: "Yes, but ..." is no better. "The answer is yes, but these eighteen things have to happen before my I'll really do it." That's also the same as saying, 'No.'

If 'No' is the right answer, just say it. At least have the genital fortitude to say it on purpose. Life will go on, and if anyone will be pissed at you for saying 'No', they're gonna be just as pissed at your indecision.

'Yes' to One is 'No' to Many

"Let your 'Yes' be Yes and your 'No' be No. "

My nieces and nephews are not Borg, but it's easy to refer to them by their order of entry into this old world. Three of Six is growing up and trying to find his place in the world. He's a really smart kid, but he's having a really hard time with the concepts of being a grown-up. He's gonna make it. But he's making the journey harder than it needs to be.

I've been working on him. We've talked about the two seemingly contradictory concepts of "Teach us Lord to number our days, that we may present to you a heart of wisdom", (Concept: make each day count for something. Don't waste them, count them and make each one important) vs "If the Lord is not the builder, the builder builds in vain", (Concept: It is better to wait and move intentionally than to let chance direct your life.)

We've talked about the concept that if a man likes to eat, likes to play and likes to spend, then by definition, he likes to work. Because without work there is no food, play or spending. A fool says, "I like to party but I hate to work." 

I know he lacks direction, or a vision for what his life should be or where he should go from here. I want to help him develop one, or at least give him a safe place from which to figure it out. I have a heart to help, and resources to provide until the wires in his head grow together and the circuit is complete. I don't want to yell at him or give him a bunch of pass/fail ultimatums. I want him to get his feet underneath him, take those first few steps and embark on a life that adds to more than it takes from the world, and produces the rewards and benefits this particular nephew deserves.

So far, it just ain't kicking in. 

Maybe it's time for the "Yes usually means No" concept. Almost always, saying 'Yes' to one thing means saying 'No' to many other things. Three of Six has trouble saying 'No' to people. Maybe I need to show him that every time he says, "Yes", he also says, "No". It's not a question of being strong and saying, "No" sometimes. It's a case of saying, "Yes" to the right things. That automatically says, "No" to everything else.

"Yes" to the Night says "No" to the Morning.
"Yes" to the party says "No" to the career.
"Yes" to the whore says "No" to the (future) wife.
"Yes" to the friend who needs money says "No" to the people you owe.
"Yes" to the hangover says "No" to the renewal each new day brings.
"Yes" to the wrong says "No" to what is right.

Maybe it's time for me to teach him that almost every time he says, "Yes" he also says, "No", and to encourage him to be aware of what he is saying "No" to before he says "Yes" to anything else.

Very Judgmental - But Nobody's Judge

"Can't even run his own life. I'll be damned if he'll run mine"

For the record, I am very judgmental. Perhaps it's the Taurus in me. Perhaps it's because I can't see very well so I'm careful where I step. Perhaps I have a strong personality and a good image of who I think I am or how I think life should be. But regardless of the cause, I tend to come across as judgmental. I try hard not to give off that impression, and fight hard to avoid being that way towards others.

But this is a problem with image, not with substance.

I don't consider myself as judging others for their decisions, lifestyles or worldviews. I carefully and deliberately judge myself. I think this is the right thing to do. If I see two people in a relationship, and there are components of that relationship that I admire, I want to absorb and imitate those qualities in my own relationships. If I observe qualities in others' relationships that I do not like or agree with, I want to avoid those issues in my own relationships.

From before we each learned to speak, we began practicing the art of 'Observation and Imitation'. Part of raising children is to be careful what they observe in their parents (or on TV), because they imitate everything. They can't tell which characteristics should be imitated and which should be shunned.

If my dog bites me, I will hit it. I figure the dog just hit me the only way it knew how, and I have to hit it back. Is this a judgment of the dog? (The dog sure as hell thinks so.) But it's not. It is a judgment about whether I will allow myself to be bitten by my dog. It's not really about judging the dog or revenge or retaliation or anything else. It is about how I should be treated by my dog in my house.

I disagree with conservative christian condemnation of the gay world. I also disagree with the 'no boundaries' lifestyle of some in the gay world. I do so without judging either of them. Each of us must be our own judge.

I'm pointing this out in case my blog sounds as judgmental and closed minded as the people I complain about. I'm not that way. I am nobody's judge except my own. If anything in my blog connotes otherwise, please disregard it.