April Honorable Mentions

"So much to say, so little time to type."

Damned if April isn't over already. It seems to me like I've blogged a lot in March and April. And I've had more page hits than ever. Thanks for reading, BTW. My blog is a journal, not a traditional blog. But to think that someone else might read it keeps me motivated. I really enjoyed writing the series on Easter this month (4/17-24). I love Easter. And I had a great time traveling to Houston, and sharing a couple of observations from that trip.

But it seems like there are quite a few important matters that I should comment on that just didn't make the list. So I wanted to take a second before the month is gone and include some honorable mentions.

Remembering those killed, wounded or impacted by the Oklahoma City bombing is first on the list. That was a major event for everyone on Oklahoma at the time, and I feel bad for letting April 19 go by without comment. I had the occasion to talk with someone yesterday who was directly affected by that awful event, and I had to stop and remember those weeks all over again. I could write for a year about that event and not say everything.

I know there are many problems in our country, with our government, with our cultural mindset and with a growing anger and helplessness that these problems can ever be properly addressed or fixed. I share in the anxiety and pessimism. But we should express that frustration with unity of purpose and an effort to come to consensus, not the way it was expressed on April 19, 1995. Killing 169 people and disrupting so many lives in the spirit of protest is not the right answer, and we are all better than that. Nobody accomplished anything on that day through those actions. Everyone lost and nobody won.

Just as there is growing anxiety and frustration in the U.S. with political, social and financial issues, the Earth itself seems to be expressing its own version of that anxiety in the world. From earthquakes and tsunamis last month to a record number of tornadoes, flooding, drought and unseasonable temperatures lately, the Earth seems to be telling us that it is angry, and that its tolerance is just about exhausted. We should probably start listening, don't you think?

But I would like to extend my condolences and prayers to those impacted by the weather in the southeastern U.S.

One of my favorite events in OKC is the Festival of the Arts, held every year downtown. I'm usually there enthusiastically on the second or third day, and this year I haven't been able to get down there. I'm going today, and really looking forward to it. It is a terrific event in a city otherwise barren of such luxury. I hope the weather is nice.

As to the Royal Wedding overseas, Bill and Kate or whatever, it's not that I didn't get around to commenting on that event as much as I couldn't give two shakes of a fat rat's ass about it. I'm just sayin'. Ignoring that wasn't an oversight. $35 Million could have been spent much more wisely.

Well, I guess that covers April. We'll get May started tomorrow. Thanks again for reading.

Birthday Thoughts

"I'm honored and humbled that the future King of England would celebrate my birthday my getting married."

So the day has come: My second 48th Birthday. My first one was a mistake - I was only 47. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

So what do I want for my birthday? I've been asked that question several dozen times lately. There's a lot of things I want, but I really don't need anything. I can't remember any time in my life before now when I've been able to say that. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

So what are my goals, dreams and hopes for the next year or few? I have many. But the momentum of this year has already been amazing, and I am truly thankful. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

So what have I accomplished in the last year, and what has been the impact of my existence? The best way to answer that question is to read my blog. It's been a great ride. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

So what would I change or do better if I had the chance? A couple of things for sure. But I'm not sure the outcome would change anyway. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

So what have I learned about life this year? Something new almost every day. Some of it is cool, and I love knowing it now. Some of it is ugly and I wish I didn't know. But for better or worse, I'm learning, growing and loving life. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

Did I lose anything important to me in the last year? Yes, from a certain point of view. But I think it's more accurate to say that I realized I never had that which I feel I lost. I think I was finally able to let go of some baggage this year - some dead weight. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

Did I gain anything important to me in the last year? Yeah, I did. My footprint is bigger now than it was last year, my perspective is better. Some specific things? A new church, a balanced budget in my own finances, a partial solution to a real estate issue I haven't been able to get out from under, new friends and a self-help blog. I think I'm getting my mind back too. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

But somewhere out there is the other half of me, and I sure would like to find him. It's good to be needed, but I want to be wanted. Now I'm 48 for real. And it feels good. And life is good.

The Aging Process

"But every year, I get older and that hope becomes more of a wish."

Well, it's time to turn my attention to my free birthday this year (tomorrow). I say it is free because I thought I was 48 last year. I was only 47. I will be 48 tomorrow, so in effect, this one is free. I have never understood or agreed with the way we determine someone's age in our culture anyway. What does the number of times Earth has circled the Sun have to do with one's age?

To me, old is characterized by bitterness, narrow mindedness, cynicism, fear, resistance to change and a certain arrogance that says, "You're an idiot if you disagree with me." The Universe seems to shrink around old people, and becomes so small over time that there is not enough room in it even for themselves. Then they die.

I know several people who are many years younger than me according to the 'trips around the sun' method of aging, but are actually much older than me according their outlook on life and relationships to others. Some of the oldest people I've ever met have experienced relatively few trips around the sun.

I know that I'm gullible, sensitive, too trusting (on purpose because the other choice is cynicism), naive and inexperienced in some areas of life. But I am generally not thought of as stupid. I know that I am not immune to the aging process. I know it takes its toll on me just like it does everyone else.

My demon is cynicism. I have been at war with him since Jr. High. Cynicism is an attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity, sincerity or professed motives of others. The older I get the more undeniable the accusations of cynicism.

Cynicism is evil. It destroys relationships before they start and erodes hope, faith and dreams before they ever have a chance to come to fruition. I hate being cynical, and sometimes respond to a situation in exactly the opposite way that cynicism suggests just to stick my tongue out at the slimy bastard.

So am I cynical about cynicism? Hmmm.

Anyway, so long as I keep cynicism in check, life is really good. I had a great 47th year even though I thought is was my 48th. So, may the real 48th be as wonderful and productive as the perceived one was last year. (Does that make sense?)

And cynicism can kiss my sweet ass.

Gay 'Community' vs. Gay 'Ghetto'

"What is the point to wanting that which one cannot have?"

In the simplest terms, I noticed something in Houston last weekend. Houston has a gay community. Oklahoma City has a Gay Ghetto.

I know Houston has a gay ghetto too. The ghetto there is actually more organized there than here. There is a bath house called Club Houston that advertises on the internet. (They evidently have locations in Dallas, New Orleans, Austin and a few other places too.) The establishment is specifically for those looking for nsa, no bs, anonymous sex. This is not the life I want to lead, and I have no interest in it at all.

My point is that Houston also has a gay community that is not specifically built around gratuitous sex, and is not necessarily infused with all of the drugs, dead thinking and contempt for life that comes along with the ghetto. The cockroaches have a place to go to do their thing, and separate from that there is a place for normal people with souls, dignity, aspirations for life and hope to go and be themselves, meet people and make friends.

If I had a boyfriend, I would be embarrassed if we spent more than a couple of evenings a year on our local gay strip. It really is a disgusting place. What I didn't know until last weekend is that OKC and the Habanna have a regional reputation for being just such a place. I went to Houston to hang with good friends and attend a really large GLBT charity benefit. People from Houston and other places come to OKC to spend some time living on the edge of the universe and twist off. But then they go home, back to a real life and a worthwhile existence.

The only 'downer' of the weekend for me happened late Saturday night. I was sitting outside on the smoking patio, and had just finished a conversation with a really cool guy I would have liked to get to know better. I had several of those conversations throughout the weekend. I never seem to have them at the bars in OKC. As I sat there enjoying the conversations and thinking to myself how much I wanted to be a part of a community like this, I realized I really wanted something I couldn't have.

What I really wanted, and really would like to have had, is a community like this when I was 22. I tend to want the impossible. I tend to want something that doesn't exist. In this case, there's not even a  possibility that this could exist since I am a hell of a long way from 22.

I wanted to grab a bunch of the cute young men and tell them how lucky they are, and how important it is not to waste such an opportunity that they've been given. Those guys have a chance to find someone, fall in love, build a life together and make a difference in the world. I would do about anything to live that kind of life.

I only know of one couple who really tried that here. And the call of the Ghetto was just too strong, too close and too loud. What a tragedy! It makes me sick to my stomach. I would love to believe that there is still hope for me. But every year, I get older and that hope becomes more of a wish.

"Sr Bobo Loco"

"And I thought Easter Bunnies were a myth."

Man, I had a good time in Houston. I got there Friday night and went out with my friends to a really neat club called J.R.'s. I've been there before, but forgot how much I enjoyed it. We stayed out and talked until the place closed down. It was really nice to go someplace and have a few drinks and good talk with good friends.

Saturday we went shopping. I'm a shoe whore anyway, so you know I brought back some new skis - and a suitcase full of new clothes. Then off to dinner and the Ricky Martin concert, which was a total surprise to me. I had no idea it was on the weekend's agenda. It was a great concert. I think I'll read his autobiography. The music was good, they story was a  little better and the concert effects, (light show, etc) were fantastic. What a great surprise! I don't think I've ever seen so many great looking Latino boyz gathered in one place ever. I think I want one!

After the concert, we went to a martini bar called Meteor, drank appletinis and watched the dick dancers take showers together on stage. That was about interesting. After that, we went to a new upscale gay club called the F bar. It's only been open for a month, so everyone is still checking it out. It was cool, but not really the top of my list. The bar was adjacent to the dance floor, which made it about impossible to get a drink. But the evening was a blast.

Sunday, we attended Bunnies on the Bayou, a charity event benefiting a huge number of social organization is the GLBT Community in Houston. There were 3,000 guys there of every age, type, race and level of bashfulness (or not). This event is the largest outdoor cocktail party in Texas. The weather was great, the guys were great and the atmosphere was unbelievable. I noticed that most people weren't there to get drunk or laid. Mostly people seemed to be there to say Hi to friends, support the charity and be a community. It was a really great experience.

And Ohhhh, the Bunnies! They were everywhere. The place was crawling with cute guys with fluffy round tails and other nice assets. But overall, the experience made me want that which I cannot have. I'll write more about that tomorrow or so.

An interesting side note: There is a certain dancer from OKC that I met at the Park recently, who just happened to be working at J.R.'s Friday night. I said hello, and we did the 'small world' talk. Lo and behold, he was working at Meteor Saturday night. Sunday at Bunnies, I told him I thought he was stalking me. He said, "Shhhhh. Don't Tell."

The kid was really high Sunday at Bunnies. The next time I see him in OKC, I'm going to ask him whether he has anyone in his life who cares about him enough to object to his 'no boundaries' lifestyle and drug use. I hope he does. I'm not excited to play that role for him, but everyone deserves to have someone that does.

And, through my friend's boyfriend, I now know the Spanish version of "Mr. Happy". It is "Sr Bobo Loco" If Andrew would hurry and email the picture he took of me at Bunnies, I'd post it here and you would all know what Sr Bobo Loco looks like.

Raised To Walk In Newness Of Life

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

"Why seek ye the living among the dead?" This is the question the angel asked Mary when she came to the tomb where Jesus was laid on Easter Sunday. It's also the question I ask myself every single time I wander into a gay bar, and most every time I walk into a church.

Yesterday, my contention was that sin is no longer an issue - for anyone, anywhere. Today, as Christ is risen, I want to talk about what we really are. Because Christ died and took sin (and its cohorts: guilt, shame, condemnation, distance and disconnection from God) out of the equation, we have a new standard, a new covenant with God. A covenant based on God's grace in sending Christ to do what He did, and faith in His success at accomplishing what He came to do through the Cross and His resurrection. A covenant whose objective is to incorporate us into God's own family, and make us His children.

Life, then, is no longer about eating, drinking, making money, having fun or any other simply physical, mortal thing. Life is about experiencing and growing up to a new world on the level of and in the context of the God who created us. This is a new life with a higher calling and deeper meaning than we could ever experience in a three dimensional, mortal existence. And everyone on the planet is called to this new life on this higher level. Nobody is excluded, left out or rejected. All are included.

What does this new life look like? That is what a Christian worldview is all about. Answering that question, living in that quest IS the new life in Christ Jesus. What do we look like when it's finished? Evidently something so different and so much better than physical life that we can't quite see it fully. We only get hints, glimpses and foretastes, But we know that it is what we are created to become. It is why we exist and take up space. It is the meaning of life.

We enter this new life through the concepts expressed by baptism and the Eucharist. Like a tadpole becomes a frog, or a worm becomes a butterfly, we become a new creature - a new creation as part of a new world - something that never existed before, and something that will never taste death. And the old life is gone. And the rest of our days on earth are spent transitioning and growing and becoming something which we were not.

In effect, we are born again to a new life in a new world with a new purpose and a new destiny. Jesus' tomb becomes our womb, and His sacrifice becomes our first breath.

That's what Easter is.

Buried With Christ in Baptism

"Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. "

In order to understand the meaning, or the Goodness, behind Good Friday, the Crucifixion of Christ and the sacrifice He made, we need a better understanding of sin. Christ came to "destroy the works of the devil." He came to "take away the sins of the world." To borrow a line from Oswald Chambers, either Christ completed His purpose and accomplished the work that God gave Him to do, or He did not. As Christians, we believe that He did.

So what does that do to the concept of sin?

It eliminates 'sin' and all of the negative implications caused by sin from the discussion, once and for all and period. Sin is no longer a factor or a consideration in the context of our relationship with God. Christ, through His own blood and sacrifice, took away the power of sin and the guilt, condemnation, consequences (at least on a spiritual level...we still live in a cause/effect world), shame, filth and impact of it completely and finally, once and for all, forever. End of the sin story. No need to discuss the subject again. Ever. At all. 

Sin does not have the power to separate us from God, nor can it disqualify us from enjoying the benefits of a father-son relationship with the Father of Everything.

Churches don't particularly like this perspective because it also takes away the Church's ability to manipulate people through guilt and condemnation. It strips Church of the power to brow beat people into submission and make them behave in whatever way the Church sees as appropriate. It takes away the control factor that has been used for centuries to promote and implement agendas that have nothing whatsoever to do with godliness, righteousness or worship. In this context, screw the Church! That's not what Church is about anyway!

Because Christ died for the sin of the world, we have been given a new paradigm, a new concept, a new standard by which our relationship to God is established and maintained. The bible calls this a new covenant. A covenant based on faith in what Christ did on good Friday and emerged from triumphantly on Easter Sunday. A covenant that is no longer based on my behaviour, performance, compliance or submission to a written code of rules and rituals.

As to behaviour, once we get our minds and hearts around what Christ did, it will take care of itself. Inside of us will grow a desire and a passion to participate in whatever Christ is doing, and honor Him in the doing of it. Our minds are transformed and our hearts are recreated, and the desires of our hearts will change. This change does not come from wearing a mask of religious conformance. It comes from being a different person, from down inside where choices really matter. It comes from a process of which Christ is the Author and Finisher.

Our sin, our failure, our sickness and our inadequacies are crucified, dead and buried, as are our acts of eternal goodness. The mask that we wear is the very thing that Christ died to strip away. In His body and by His blood, that which was called sin is forever destroyed.

"Good" Friday?

"Perhaps Good really is a subjective term."

So let's see. Today is Good Friday, the day we remember that Christ died in a gruesome, unnecessarily painful, overtly humiliating manner for the sake of the very people who killed him. The day is about the corruption of the religious people of His day, the betrayal of people who claimed to love Him, the cruelty of the Roman justice system, the ridicule and mockery of His executioners, the heartache and disappointment of those who loved Him and believed in Him most, the abandonment He endured as His God forsook Him...

It wasn't a good day for Judas Iscariot. He went out and hanged himself.

Pilate didn't have a good day. He condemned an innocent man to die and released a criminal. That isn't how or why he became a Prefectus in the Roman Empire. He violated everything he was about, and became his own antithesis that day, and knew it even as it unfolded. His suicide came a few years later.

Peter had a terrible day. He denied knowing the One he had sworn to die for just hours before.

Jesus' mother? Let's not talk about her day. Nobody hurts like a mom.

Just exactly who was Good Friday good for?

Even subjectively speaking, this doesn't sound like "Good". I can think of many better ways to spend a Friday without even thinking very hard. I'm on my way to Houston for a really fun weekend with excellent food, cute guys, perfect weather, great conversation and just the right amount of alcohol.

So, I'm thinking,"Who had a Good Friday on that particular Friday so long ago?"

Barabbas had a great day. Through absolutely no action of his own, his cross was given to another and he tasted freedom. I have no idea what he did with that freedom - whether he squandered it or made the most of it. But that day he experienced Grace (unearned and unmerited favor). He received a new life.

I guess I'm glad Barabbas had a Good Friday.

Preparation and Pedicure

"Unless I wash your feet, you have no part with Me."

There any many things in life that I love and hate. In the case of a pedicure, I love the outcome, but hate the process. I don't like people messing with my feet or my eyes. Not sure why, these are just things that I would prefer leave alone. But yesterday, in preparation for my weekend trip to Houston, I went and got a pedicure.

Fortunately, I had the whole nail salon to myself, so I didn't have to endure the "weirdo" looks from female customers trying to look good for their guys. I go to a place where the staff doesn't speak English, so if they're poking fun at the old, fat, bald guy, I never know it.

And damn, it makes my feet feel good.

So I'm sitting in the massage chair, having terrible things done to my feet by a not bad looking Asian woman who is quietly singing a very pretty song of which I can understand not a word, feeling uncomfortable and awkward, very much not enjoying the process, but anticipating the outcome, and the story of Jesus washing the disciples' feet comes to mind.

Yesterday I mentioned John 14-17. This story is in preparation for that event, in John 13. Peter was feeling more awkward and uncomfortable than I was. My guess is that he didn't like the process any more than I did. But more importantly, he didn't want to subject someone he admired and respected deeply to the task of washing his feet. In fact Peter said, "You aren't gonna wash my feet." And Jesus said. "If I don't, we're done."

I love Peter's response. He says, "Then wash my feet and my head and hands too." And Jesus went on to explain the point to the exercise, which is the Christian logic that service is greatness. It's not how many servants one has that makes him important, but how many he serves.

Some biblical logic is just backwards from human logic, or even rational thinking. I know this causes problems for a lot of people, and I fight with it too sometimes. But in another sense, the Logic of Perfection should be different from the pragmatic, dirty logic we deal with every day.

The biblical concepts of Redemption, Forgiveness, Servitude, Morality, Giving and Love are all contrary to natural thinking. But these are the very things that make a biblical worldview something that stands out and is better than the rest.

Tomorrow is Good Friday, and represents the day that Christ implemented the biblical logic of redemption through suffering for all of mankind. The math works. The logic is sound. The process sucks, but the outcome is wonderful.

The challenge is to trust the outcome, and walk in it.

Give Easter a Chance!

"And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own..."

In my opinion, John 14 through 17 is the single most important discourse in the bible. I read it often, and live in it as much as I can. But it is especially important and relevant at Easter.

These three chapters are about Jesus' last meeting with his people, His final thoughts to leave with them and the most intimate, open, honest, heart level discussion between God and man to be found anywhere in literature (my opinion). If anything needed to be said, now was the time cause all hell was coming over the next couple of days.

This was His time to say Good-Bye, to tell them what to expect and mostly to reassure them (and us) that no matter what things look like, they were following a plan that had been well thought out before the world was created and that would not fail.

Rather than discuss strategy, final orders or tactics, Christ comforted, encouraged and warned the disciples about things that were unfolding. Then He prayed over them and for them, and each of us (sorry Church of Christ folks, these chapters are written for us as much as for the disciples).

More than 'posits', or religious sticking points, these chapters, along with other accounts of the evening presented elsewhere, are about relationship. Relationship that Easter is all about. Rather than throw out my comments on the discourse, or talk about how it applies in my life, I would today like to issue a challenge to anyone who reads my blog.

The challenge is to do an internet search on John 14-17 NIV, and read these three chapters. Throw out the religious connotations you may have been exposed to and any intellectual criticism (for now), and just read the words allowing them to say what they say - not what you think they might say or what you've been taught or what you've criticized or rejected in the past. Read the words as if you were there at that moment, listen to the heart of God to his disciples, and give these short chapters the opportunity to paint their own picture of God, and the relationship He desires with mankind and each man and you.

Give Jesus' good-bye to his people the opportunity to be His introduction to you, and give Easter a chance to mean what it means without Peter Cottontail. I hope the challenge is beneficial.

"And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known."

Palm Sunday

"Two things I never want to be: A Liar and a Flake."

As Easter approaches, my thoughts turn to the death and resurrection of Christ, to what that means in a Christian worldview, to how to live a life worthy of that event, to hope in the destiny it promises, to the security of knowing that every bad, wrong or evil thing that has ever happened in all of human history was crucified that day and every good, pure, true and right thing was resurrected with Him no matter what evidence decries otherwise.

Because of the events surrounding Easter, life is about good. That which is good is brought forth from the conundrum of life, and stands forever. The rest fades away like dead leaves in the fall. This is why the bible teaches that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, for the law of the Spirit of Life has set us free from the (cause/effect) law of sin and death. Guilt and Christianity do not mix (sorry Baptists). Freedom and Christianity are synonymous. Freedom to go 'All In', and pursue Good and Right with my whole being. Freedom to relate to Ultimate, Universal Good as if he were my big brother and to serve and honor him as God.

Easter is an event that changed history, that redefines life and makes order of chaos. It is an event worthy of celebration, worthy of adoration and praise. Worthy of the people coming out to welcome it by laying down their coats and palm branches to pave the way, shouting, "Hosanna! Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the Name of the Lord!"

And a few days later, these same people stood in Pilate's court shouting, "Crucify Him! Crucify Him! We want Barabbas!" And Judas betrayed him with a kiss - a universal expression of friendship, loyalty, affection and trust. What a bunch of two faced, fickle, spineless people! I have never particularly enjoyed Palm Sunday because it is the day of the traitors.

I can conceptualize the reasons for Christ to be sacrificed, and can get my puny mind around the impact of His death and resurrection to some extent. But I cannot see or figure out the point to the traitorous people, or the reason why He had to endure the treason of one of His own disciples. The whole paradigm of His betrayal seems superfluous to the story itself, and just adds extra suffering and heartache where there is already enough.

Perhaps I am especially sensitive to this aspect of life because of my eyes. I have never been able to see very well, and that has always meant that I have to trust others, for better or worse. I know I can't see well, so if you tell me what you see, then I can see better too. If I am to know what I cannot see, I have to trust you to see for me. I would rather be able to see better, but I can''t. So I see via trust as much as vision. I know through relationships in which I have confidence.

Trust is hard to earn and easy to spend. I am probably necessarily more trusting than I should be, and am willing and eager to trust. That is how I see and grow and understand the world around me. But if that bond of trust is broken, especially the trust of someone who calls me a friend, it can never be reestablished again. I wonder if Christ was the same way. He said of Judas, "It would be better for him if he had never been born."

Then I remember that Christ died for those very traitors. The very people who cried, "Hosanna!" one day then "Crucify Him!" a few days later. If I think much about this, it ties my mind and heart up in knots. I don't know how to recover from treason. I don't know how to relate to someone without trust, and I don't know how to trust a traitor. Talk about a conundrum.

Anyway, people do what they do, and it hurts like hell, and I get over it. But the takeaway for me on Palm Sunday each and every year is that I do not want to live a lie or be a flake. And I will do anything not to betray the trust of a friend, someone who counts on me, or my God.

Objectivism - Surely There's a Better Way

"I swear—by my life and my love of it—that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. "

Thank God that not many people embrace the "essence of Objectivist ethics" as stated in the quote above from one of Ayn Rand's works, at least not openly or as a intentional result of asking the most basic questions of life  - "Who Am I?" and "Why Am I Here?"

Objectivism establishes priority of existence first. Identity is determined by existence, and consciousness is recognition of identity. Most every other philosophy distinguishes between life (as in existence) from life (as in sentient, self aware, intelligent) BY consciousness. Theistic worldviews further postulate that consciousness preceded and is prior to existence.

And the proof that consciousness precedes (and is prior to) existence is found in every single human invention throughout the history of mankind. The IPad, the IPod, the semiconductor, the steam engine, the telescope, the printing press, written language, the wheel and possibly even the spoken word 'existed' first in the conscious realm, even in the imagination, of their particular inventors before they ever existed (or were brought into existence by faith) in a form that could be experienced objectively by the five senses.

In the truth of this very observation is overwhelming evidence that consciousness preceded and is prior to creation. It is reasonable to assume that since nothing that man has ever created had existence before consciousness, that creation itself must have existed in the conscious realm, or what we can call the metaphysical, supernatural or spiritual realm, before it ever existed in the three dimensional form we can experience with our senses.

As to the impact of Objectivism, the negative implications of the essence of its ethics stated at the top of this post are self evident. If I live my life by this creed, I guarantee myself a life of utter loneliness and isolation, no matter how many people I have around me. I eliminate even the remote possibility of true intimacy and connection with others.

Almost every other worldview values the attributes of courage, selflessness, love, self sacrifice, humility and honor while devaluing the concepts of selfishness, even the cleaned up version promoted by Objectivism. Almost every philosophy and worldview - religious and otherwise - sees the value in treating others they way I would have them treat me, and living my life for the benefit and well being of those around me, even at my own expense and suffering.

Easter is coming, which brings the world's attention to the antithesis of Objectivist ethics, walked out by Christ took our sins, (mental, physical and spiritual diseases, blindness, failures and shortcomings) on himself, giving his body to be nailed on the tree, so that we, being dead to sin, might have a new life in righteousness, and by his wounds we have been made well.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Taxes are DONE!! Now I Can Think Of Something Else

"If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

It's not that I mind paying taxes so much. Nobody really enjoys it, but it's a necessary part of having a society. It's better to pay taxes and let the government maintain a police department than it is for each of us to hire our own security force. Fire Departments serve the public, and the public should pay for them. A strong military is a necessity in the world in which we live, and that costs a lot of money. Fighting three wars at once with no real exit strategy for any of them is a little different.

It's not that I mind paying taxes so much, it's that I don't feel that we're getting our money's worth. The government does a lot of worthwhile things, but it's not a very good marketing organization. People would feel better about the inevitable higher taxes that are on the way if they had a basic understanding of where that money goes  Rather than fight with each other so much, the politicians need to convince people that their money is being put to good use.

The problem, of course, is that a lot of the money is not being put to good use and everybody on the planet knows it. I think that much of what the government does, it should stop doing - and stop making me pay for. Entitlement programs are untouchable in budget talks. Why? Political suicide. Medicaid recipients vote. If anyone thinks we spend too much on the military, she is branded as unpatriotic. Medicare is supposed to help older Americans. It is not supposed to drive 16% of our economy.

Everyone resents being taxed to fund things they don't believe in. Everyone resents being taxed to pad politicians' pockets. Everyone resents being taxed so trillions can be wasted by bureaucrats who don't have to be careful with the money they are allotted. And people expect that to change before they're even willing to entertain paying more taxes.

I'm thankful that we have to pay taxes, because it means we're making money. I would love to be proud to pay them, and proud of what they are used for.

But the best I can do for now is to be very glad I'm done. Now I can move on to something else.

Email Etiquette for Dummies

"I love object lessons."

So I get an email today (not nearly the first of its kind, and the likes of which have been discussed often in the past) from a coworker with no subject that simply says, "See Below."

'Below' is an email chain, eight printed pages long in small font, full of back and forth salesman BS, clarification about part numbers, price haggling, anti virus and confidentiality disclaimers and a dirty joke. In there somewhere towards the top, I got the impression that a customer wants to buy something, and I'm supposed to figure out the rest.

My response to my coworker: "Nonsense. Please Consolidate."

My coworker's response: "Please process order. See below for details."

Hmmm. I haven't kicked anyone's ass in quite a long time. I'm a little out of practice. But what do you want to bet that I'm up to the task!?

My response to my coworker's response:

"In order to process an order, I need to know WHO is buying WHAT on which PO NUMBER, WHERE and HOW the order is to be SHIPPED, at what PRICE and how we get PAID. It would take you three short lines to answer all of those questions. Either you don't know the answers (in which case I will not process your order) or you do know the answers but are too lazy to type the three lines. It's easier for you to forward the entire email chain and make me weed through it and figure it out.

"I will be glad to do so. I am currently scheduling such projects for May 14, 2017. If you feel that this order needs to be processed before that time, please communicate concisely and exclusively the information I require. I leave the decision in your hands, however please be advised that my laziness trumps yours, and probably will not complete the project as scheduled.

"I do not appreciate being treated as if my time is worthless and yours is significant. First, this attitude on your part is inaccurate. Second, it is insulting. I would prefer to be the only condescending, arrogant SOB in this discussion. I think that since I am the only one who writes checks, I am the only one that can be an asshole.

"Feel free to disagree with me, but it is not in your best interest. Regardless, let me know what your decision is."

My coworker's response to my response to my coworker's response: I got my three line order information. Bet I get it next time too.

I Think I Would Go To This Church Even If I Wasn't Gay

"I was glad when they said unto me, 'Let us go to the house of the Lord'."

After my hot tub morning yesterday, I went to church. I've been attending this church for about 10 months now. I've always had mixed feelings about it. I'm really not much of  a church guy anyway, and I got too involved at the last church I attended with any passion about 12 years ago. That church stood for some really good things. Like my new church, it was made up of a bunch of people that wouldn't be acceptable in other church circles - of which I am one, gay or not.

So I've been going to this new church, and really enjoying it (from a distance). I haven't made any friends there, or gotten involved in anything churchy. One of the things I really like about my new church is that they don't seem to need me. They have enough volunteers and it doesn't seem like the same 15 people do everything like I'm used to at church. (I never want to be one of the fifteen again, BTW).

Anyway, I have always appreciated not having to lie to be a part of this church, and I have enjoyed having a place to go that actually knows what praise and worship is. If someone had told me a few years ago that I'd be standing in God's presence in worship with a bunch of fags, I'd have asked for some of whatever it is they were smoking. There are aspects of church that I have really missed, and I didn't realize how much until I found it again. Communion is another one.

So I have benefited from my new church. But until yesterday, I never really felt like a part of it - more like a perpetual guest, like going to a concert by sneaking through the fence without paying for a ticket.

I'm not sure what happened yesterday. It was a good service, but not spectacular. But somehow, I managed to connect with it in a way I haven't done in a decade. the people there are by and large just like me. They all love God and each other. Whatever flows out of that is fine.

I realized after church yesterday that this is exactly the kind of place I need to be, and I would be proud to be a part of it even if I wasn't gay.

It's The Simple Things, Stupid!

"Hot Coffee, a Clean Hot Tub and a Cigarette. Does Life Get Any Better?"

One of my assets (and therefore weaknesses) in life is that I can spend a whole lot of time in my head. I am not a shallow person. I don't even believe in shallowness. Everyone is deep, and it's from the deep parts of ourselves that our actions, decisions, aspirations, fears and dreams come from. when someone is called shallow, to me it just means that they pay no attention to the depth of their being, and have no idea where their motivation, hope and destiny comes from.

But yesterday, I worked my butt off outside in my yard. I changed the water in my hot tub, planted several plants, cleaned up the dead stuff from the winter, cleaned out mom's swimming pool and generally got spring going. It was a busy, productive, great day, and I'm just the right amount of sore this morning from my efforts.

This morning, sitting in my hot tub with my coffee and a smoke enjoying the result of my day yesterday and planning my day today, I started thinking about the deeper stuff. Before I knew it, I was off in thought about the car wreck last week, a friend of the family who is having trouble with depression (and rightfully so, in my opinion), etc.

Then I got just a scent of the gardenia I planted yesterday and woke up from my thinking. I realized how good I felt. I sat there for an hour, soaking in the hot water, and just enjoying being there. It is so cool to be able, in the midst of a world that has gone mad, to just sit there and enjoy life.

I was surprised that I was actually being drawn to the shallow things. Then I realized that enjoying the simplest things, being at peace with myself and the world around me and just drinking in the springtime is not shallow at all. It's probably the deepest thought I've had in months.

This is such a great year. Life is good.

Please Drive Carefully

"Passing a semi truck on a blind hill qualifies as a wrong decision."

In western Oklahoma today, there was a tragic traffic accident. It started with a group of people from OKC attending a funeral. Coming back, one car driven by the 20ish year old boyfriend of an 18 year old girl (also in the car) and the girl's mom (another passenger) tried to pass a big truck on a blind hill. The car hit an oncoming car head on.

In the first car, mom was killed. Girl and boyfriend were eventually airlifted to a hospital in OKC. In the oncoming car, a four year old boy was the only survivor. Both parents and a sibling were killed. Four people died, two must recover from traumatic injuries, and one of those is likely facing four counts of manslaughter.

About a minute behind the wreck, another car is headed home. This one contains my nine year old nephew, #4 of 6, and his father, who is the brother of the mom killed in the first car. Brother arrives on scene before anyone else, and faces the raw carnage of his now deceased sister, three other traffic fatalities, two seriously injured people he knows well and a four year old boy. Thank God my nephew was kept away from the scene, and didn't see anything.

Another minute or two goes by and the mother and father of the mom in the first car, who had just buried his mother an hour before, arrive to find their now hysterical son, their now deceased daughter, their seriously injured grand daughter and boyfriend and a family that just lost three of its four members.

And the whole episode  took less time to unfold that it took me to write the four previous paragraphs.

And the story is just beginning. The impact of this bad decision will last many, many years.

Unfortunately, the story is not all that unique. These things happen every day. Somewhere, someone makes a bad decision and the impact of that decision spreads outward in concentric circles like the tsunami caused by an earthquake, affecting the lives of many people for a very long time.

I have three thoughts tonight:

First, we have to stop living life carelessly. We have to realize that even seemingly small, insignificant decisions can have far reaching, catastrophic impact in our own lives and God knows how many others. Life throws us enough crap without inviting it through careless, stupid and wrong decisions. If these kinds of stories serve no other purpose, they should at least teach us to live life on purpose, take our steps intentionally and be aware of the potential impact of those decisions.

The universe is not limited to that which is within 18 inches of the end of our nose. We have to learn to live our lives in context of a physical world and a human race that we have been given, for better or worse, the power to affect by our decisions and actions.

Second, good decisions propagate positive impact in the same way that bad decisions cause negative impact. If we would learn live life on purpose, with a bias towards doing good, helping others and seeking and promoting that which is universally pure, good, right and true, we would experience the joy and honor of making a measurable, tangible difference in the world around us and in the lives of people we care about.

There is no down side to thinking this way. What in the world are we waiting for?

Third, I need a shower. I feel dirty, sorry for those affected by this tragedy, and helpless to make it better. God, I wish there was a ^Z (undo) button in life.

Houston It Is!

"Happy Birthday To Me, Happy Birthday To Me
Happy Birthday, I Love You, Happy Birthday To Me."

It's official! I'm going to Houston for my free birthday this year! I'm excited.

The trip will feature a Sunday Afternoon event called Bunnies On The Bayou which is a charity event in Houston with a billizion guys running around outside on a beautiful day (hopefully). The hotter the weather, the hotter the guys cause shirts and long pants will go the way of the dinosaur in a hurry.

I've been twice before. The first time I went was in the early 2000's, and I hadn't told more than a handful of people I was gay. I accidentally turned in a brochure from the event as part of my expense report. That was interesting. The person who I had writing checks and filing such things never said a word. But later I found out that I gave her a pretty good shock. Hehe...she had it coming.

One of the featured performances I'm really looking forward to is the Flyboys Flag Troupe of Houston These guys are fantastic. At first I thought it was a little stupid, but after watching these guys, I was very impressed. Here's a taste:



I wish we had one of these in OKC.

The rest of the trip will be filled with shopping, hanging out with a friend and his friends, eating royally and such other activities and events as we can find time for. And God Knows, I need a Break.

Anybody got an extra sun tan I can borrow?

Is it Easter yet?

Thoughts on Depression

"Depression, it seems to me, comes from doing life wrong, and not knowing what to do to fix it."

I actually said something about depression the other day that I thought was profound. I've been thinking about it for several days now, and I want to jot down a few thoughts about depression in general - reserving the right to modify or reverse them completely in the future. To expand on my comment a little, I think depression comes from knowing that I'm doing life wrong, and either not knowing how to fix it or being unwilling to do so.

First, depression is not necessarily truthful. Overall, I do not think I am doing or have done life wrong. If depression for a time convinces me that I have, I know deep down that it is a lie. Sure, I've made mistakes - honest ones with the best of intentions. I've taken my share of ass kickings, and learned my lessons (I hope). And overall, I am in a good place to stand on my decisions and actions in life. I've played the hand I was dealt reasonably well in my opinion.

Second, depression is not always a lie. I know some people who fight with depression pretty hard. I am nobody's judge except my own so don't take this the wrong way, but there are a lot of people who should be depressed. They have done and are doing life wrong - meaning their mistakes are intentional, their actions are self-destructive, their motives are to gain at others' expense. They're just crappy people. I think I would be depressed too if I were walking in their shoes. Rebellious, contrary, obstinate, mean people that do whatever they think will make them feel good regardless of the outcome have depression as their reward. We live in a cause/effect world, and depression at times is merely a natural effect of cause.

Depression is closely related to guilt. Many times they feed off of each other and torment the affected mercilessly. Both find their power in the past, and both try to preclude any future without them. Neither have any power or insight in the future, and hope is the one thing that will kill them - a real hope based on a commitment to change, to live life from a different perspective, to be thankful and to respect boundaries.

Add to this a Christian perspective of a merciful and forgiving God who desires more than anythng to create in each of us a wholeness that we cannot attain without Him, and to develop a relationship with each of us that is more intimate, more important and more effective than anything we have ever imagined, and depression and guilt become nothing more than stepping stones on the path to joy and peace that cannot be described. In the hands of Christ, depression and guilt are nothing more than tools, wielded by a master craftsman who is creating something that never existed before - something good, pure and beautiful.

So depression and guilt become yet another either/or. Either we are motivated to respond appropriately and seek out a higher, deeper, better way to do life or we respond inappropriately, and are victims of depression's torture until we take enough drugs, drink enough booze or whatever else we do to self destruct.

There may be other causes of depression. I'll have to think more about that sometime soon.

Thanks for the "Thank You"

"Thankfulness and Depression are mutually exclusive."

It's amazing that in the midst of a very crazy busy time in life, I managed to find just a little time this weekend to be mildly depressed. Once I realized what was going on, I laughed at myself. Mainly I had a great weekend getting ready to plant some stuff in the yard. It was nice to work on a project that wasn't work.

But today, it's back to the fast lane. I think there were three people waiting in line all day for me to do something, help with something, answer a question or something. I love it. I love being needed and being able to help.

As arrogant as this sounds, I think that of the 6,500,000,000 people on the planet, in round numbers 6,500,000,000 of them need me or could benefit from me being in their lives. Thank God almost none of them know it. Were it not for a pretty solid track record of doing good things in people's lives that I touch, that statement would be totally inappropriately arrogant. But I can back it up with real people spanning several decades of time.

And I'm not bragging (or advertising). I honestly feel thankful. I really love doing good things in the lives of people around me, whether it's solving a computer problem, a word of encouragement, a hug ... even the occasional ass chewing is a genuine effort to help, to be of value and to impact someone's life for the better.

Today, I accomplished absolutely nothing. But it seems like all day, I helped other people accomplish whatever was on their plate to accomplish. To me, that's the definition of a really great day.

But today was even more special (or maybe I just noticed more than usual) because everyone I talked to said "Thank You". I guarantee that doesn't happen very often.

For the most part, I don't do what I do to earn the appreciation of people. I do what I do because it is who I am and what I'm about. But, today especially, it was really nice to hear a few "Thank You"s.

Thank You.

Faith in "Yes"

"Money wrinkles. Things do decay. I put away my idols."

For some reason, I've been reading Daniel lately. This guy is not only the smartest guy in the bible (my opinion), he is also the guy whose life says, "Screw the consequences, I'm living what I believe - what I've said 'yes' to." The actual quote goes more like, "We may burn in your fire, but we will not bow to your God." He said that to the king of the whole known world at that time, the king of Babylon, who had already conquered Daniel's people and, from a certain point of view - at least at the time, already defeated Daniel's God.

I wish I had faith like that. I'm always second guessing my 'yes's'. And for good reason. I'm not the smartest guy on the planet. I'm just getting over a time in my life where I would say I didn't have any faith at all. Or to say it a different way, everything I had faith in seemed to fall apart, or amount to nothing. Faith failed, and I have nothing to show for it except a bunch of empty 'yes's', a lot of heartburn over events and decisions in my past, and some pretty deep depression at times.

Depression, it seems to me, comes from doing life wrong, and not knowing what to do to fix it. (Whether this premise is real or imaginary, the depression is real.) I walked on that road for a couple of years. I can still get there if I think about it much. I admit it. I want the idols. There is an appeal to money, sex, shallowness, no boundaries living. I'd rather have what I said 'yes' to when I said 'no' to those things. But if I can't have my 'yes', can I at least have a consolation prize?

Honestly, this is an ongoing situation from time to time - although not nearly has bad as it was a year or two ago. Even in the midst of the really wonderful Momentum of this year, when I am tired or lonely, these thoughts creep in.

But my 'yes's' that date clear back to my high school days have already prevented me from twisting off and seeking out the things I said 'no' to. I know nothing about drugs, I never developed the ability (or even the desire) to go out and get toilet hugging drunk. When I drink now, I just get sleepy. I know next to nothing about sex, and I can feel that part of my life becoming weaker and less important all the time.

What I have learned over the past couple of years is that I really have become my 'yes's'. I no longer have a real choice about that. My 'yes's' as a younger man have done exactly what they should have done, and even when my faith fell apart, the 'yes's' did their job - even without my support or faith in them.

And (most of the time) I'm glad. My depression and all of that other crap were (are?) nothing more than a natural event in life in my mid to late forties. I think every man goes through it to some extent. And as the clouds begin to disperse and the dust settles from that time of life, I am really glad to be who I am, stand for what I stand for and live the life I chose.

I don't have Daniel's faith. I'm not smart like he was. But thank God, I have my 'yes's'. I have the worldview, concepts, the wisdom I have accepted and said 'yes' to, which have become the bricks from which my house, my character, is built.

Already April

"It's too early in the year to be tired."

I will not admit to being tired, but I admit to being a little overwhelmed. I don't even have a good handle on March, and now it's April. Wow. I knew that Momentum was going to be the theme of the year, but I'm starting to wonder whether I have enough lead in my pencil to keep up the pace.

April is usually my favorite month. My birthday is in April (and I get a free one this year). Easter is in April, and I am still contemplating a Houston trip. Tax season is upon us, Oh Boy! It's time to get the yard in shape and I'm already behind the power curve there. Lake Eufaula is calling. Baseball season is starting.

I have made almost no progress improving my pathetic social life. I can list a few people I don't want to hang with and a few circles I don't want to be a part of, but I haven't found a group of people or anyone special that I really want to spend any significant time with. Same old story there. But I still have hope that this year will be different.

Just because life has been so busy in March, I haven't been getting my 'me' time (normally between 6:30 and 9:30 AM every day). My whole adult life, I have used this time to just recharge, think, listen and dream. At times, I lose the opportunity to have this time (like the last half of March) and it quickly takes its toll. I find myself tired, irritable and disconnected from what I'm supposed to be doing.

I know it is time to take action when I can't hear the music anymore. Music has always been so important to me, and when I get out of sorts, the music stops. I'm there now. No big deal, I know how to fix it. And I know from experience that fixing it is more important than anything else on the agenda. If I don't, the rest falls away too.

So I have an idea. Let's postpone the beginning of April for about 10 days, and let me catch my breath. A hundred years from now, nobody will know.

But then I'll be ready for the momentum to continue, and continue to increase. It really is a good year, and not one thing on my punch list is negative. Everything I've got going on is positive and encouraging to me. I don't want it to back off or slow down.

I just want to be able to keep up.