"Money wrinkles. Things do decay. I put away my idols."
For some reason, I've been reading Daniel lately. This guy is not only the smartest guy in the bible (my opinion), he is also the guy whose life says, "Screw the consequences, I'm living what I believe - what I've said 'yes' to." The actual quote goes more like, "We may burn in your fire, but we will not bow to your God." He said that to the king of the whole known world at that time, the king of Babylon, who had already conquered Daniel's people and, from a certain point of view - at least at the time, already defeated Daniel's God.
I wish I had faith like that. I'm always second guessing my 'yes's'. And for good reason. I'm not the smartest guy on the planet. I'm just getting over a time in my life where I would say I didn't have any faith at all. Or to say it a different way, everything I had faith in seemed to fall apart, or amount to nothing. Faith failed, and I have nothing to show for it except a bunch of empty 'yes's', a lot of heartburn over events and decisions in my past, and some pretty deep depression at times.
Depression, it seems to me, comes from doing life wrong, and not knowing what to do to fix it. (Whether this premise is real or imaginary, the depression is real.) I walked on that road for a couple of years. I can still get there if I think about it much. I admit it. I want the idols. There is an appeal to money, sex, shallowness, no boundaries living. I'd rather have what I said 'yes' to when I said 'no' to those things. But if I can't have my 'yes', can I at least have a consolation prize?
Honestly, this is an ongoing situation from time to time - although not nearly has bad as it was a year or two ago. Even in the midst of the really wonderful Momentum of this year, when I am tired or lonely, these thoughts creep in.
But my 'yes's' that date clear back to my high school days have already prevented me from twisting off and seeking out the things I said 'no' to. I know nothing about drugs, I never developed the ability (or even the desire) to go out and get toilet hugging drunk. When I drink now, I just get sleepy. I know next to nothing about sex, and I can feel that part of my life becoming weaker and less important all the time.
What I have learned over the past couple of years is that I really have become my 'yes's'. I no longer have a real choice about that. My 'yes's' as a younger man have done exactly what they should have done, and even when my faith fell apart, the 'yes's' did their job - even without my support or faith in them.
And (most of the time) I'm glad. My depression and all of that other crap were (are?) nothing more than a natural event in life in my mid to late forties. I think every man goes through it to some extent. And as the clouds begin to disperse and the dust settles from that time of life, I am really glad to be who I am, stand for what I stand for and live the life I chose.
I don't have Daniel's faith. I'm not smart like he was. But thank God, I have my 'yes's'. I have the worldview, concepts, the wisdom I have accepted and said 'yes' to, which have become the bricks from which my house, my character, is built.