"What is the point to wanting that which one cannot have?"
In the simplest terms, I noticed something in Houston last weekend. Houston has a gay community. Oklahoma City has a Gay Ghetto.
I know Houston has a gay ghetto too. The ghetto there is actually more organized there than here. There is a bath house called Club Houston that advertises on the internet. (They evidently have locations in Dallas, New Orleans, Austin and a few other places too.) The establishment is specifically for those looking for nsa, no bs, anonymous sex. This is not the life I want to lead, and I have no interest in it at all.
My point is that Houston also has a gay community that is not specifically built around gratuitous sex, and is not necessarily infused with all of the drugs, dead thinking and contempt for life that comes along with the ghetto. The cockroaches have a place to go to do their thing, and separate from that there is a place for normal people with souls, dignity, aspirations for life and hope to go and be themselves, meet people and make friends.
If I had a boyfriend, I would be embarrassed if we spent more than a couple of evenings a year on our local gay strip. It really is a disgusting place. What I didn't know until last weekend is that OKC and the Habanna have a regional reputation for being just such a place. I went to Houston to hang with good friends and attend a really large GLBT charity benefit. People from Houston and other places come to OKC to spend some time living on the edge of the universe and twist off. But then they go home, back to a real life and a worthwhile existence.
The only 'downer' of the weekend for me happened late Saturday night. I was sitting outside on the smoking patio, and had just finished a conversation with a really cool guy I would have liked to get to know better. I had several of those conversations throughout the weekend. I never seem to have them at the bars in OKC. As I sat there enjoying the conversations and thinking to myself how much I wanted to be a part of a community like this, I realized I really wanted something I couldn't have.
What I really wanted, and really would like to have had, is a community like this when I was 22. I tend to want the impossible. I tend to want something that doesn't exist. In this case, there's not even a possibility that this could exist since I am a hell of a long way from 22.
I wanted to grab a bunch of the cute young men and tell them how lucky they are, and how important it is not to waste such an opportunity that they've been given. Those guys have a chance to find someone, fall in love, build a life together and make a difference in the world. I would do about anything to live that kind of life.
I only know of one couple who really tried that here. And the call of the Ghetto was just too strong, too close and too loud. What a tragedy! It makes me sick to my stomach. I would love to believe that there is still hope for me. But every year, I get older and that hope becomes more of a wish.