As I approach 50, I realize that my world is actually divided between gay, straight and 50.
There were things I could do when I was 4 that were inappropriate when I was 20. Other things, appropriate when I was 20 are inappropriate at 50. I'm not making statements here that apply to anyone else on the planet except me. But for me, the whole gay/straight thing is no longer an appropriate subject for me to invest myself in any more.
I have no interest in being an advocate for anything, especially in the political arena, especially in a paradigm where there is so much passionate hate on both sides. I do hope that the next generation of people like me who love God and are gay have the opportunity to live life without the oxymoron. I hope that in the future they won't have to live a lie or try to be something they aren't.
I have never had any desire to live in Sodom and Gomorrah. There is a dark side of the gay world, just as there is a dark side of the straight world. I have no interest in either. I am the polar opposite of a dirty old man, and there is no way that will ever change. I have compared this part of life to the ghetto, and am sad for those who have decided to live there. I am more sad for those who (at least from their own points of view) have been forced to live there by a family, society or culture that will not tolerate them anyplace else.
I would probably try to do something to help people escape the ghetto, but I don't know anything about life there or how to relate to those who call the ghetto home. And of that I am not ashamed.
It would have been great to fall in love with someone when I was in my 20's and try to build a life together. But that's not how it worked out for me. For ten years, I have stood on the outskirts as an outsider looking in, and never found a place inside the gay world to land. I've only met two gay guys that I thought I could have a relationship with that would last longer than an evening. One went bananas and the other turned me off like a bad TV show.
So be it. This is part of who I am, but in my case it's not a very big part. I'm done and out.
As I turn 50, for me the gay paradigm becomes inappropriate. I'm actually excited to be free of it.
If I ever have to answer questions about my sexuality in the future, the answer will be, "I am alone. Just like I have been my whole life." In case that sounds depressing, it's not. Somehow it fits me and feels right. I'm good with it.