"Get Busy Livin', Or Get Busy Dyin'. That's Damn Right."
In broad strokes, I spent 15 years (from age 9 to 24) finding out what an oxymoron I really am. I spent 25 years (from 15 to 40) denying, running from, hiding from and rejecting the oxymoron, and doing whatever was necessary to keep anyone else from figuring it out. And I've spent the last seven years overcoming the oxymoron and learning to accept myself the way I believe (and have believed since I was in college) that God, against all odds and contrary to all conventional wisdom, has accepted and loved me.
But the question that now I realize has been there for the longest time, and now is getting louder and louder in my spirit is, "So What?"
On one hand, it's just too little too late. I should have known what I know now when I was still in college. I should have known that God created me just the way I am, and he didn't screw up, and I'm not a screwup, and that He created me on purpose, and before I was ever born He knew me and knew the plans He had for me, and regardless of anything I am or am not He is faithful, competent and in control. My life and heart are not - and have never been - out of His field of vision or circle of influence. I belong to Him completely, both by my choice and His proactive grace.
I have no excuse for not knowing this in college, because I did know it back then. Even though every other thing in my universe contradicted this knowledge, I knew it. I knew it during the intimate prayer, worship and devotional times I spent at ORU. I knew it when I participated in missions trips, when I led bible studies, when I worked with youth groups, when I learned to play guitar so I could lead worship. I knew it the whole time. And still I hid, ran, denied, buried and rejected the oxymoron. I chose sides, and chose what I thought was the high road, the side of the equation I had more confidence in. I chose on purpose, with a good heart - a heart to honor God and a sincere desire to please Him despite - and maybe even because of - the gay conundrum. And in so doing, I missed the bus. I missed out on what God had planned for my life.
On the other hand ... there are five fingers.
Seriously, I learned a long time ago that living in the past is counterproductive and destructive. I can't undo, redo or rewrite what has been. I can only move forward.
The other mindset I can put on is that I am right where I am supposed to be, and God is with me as much now as He ever was in my college days, or my time running a software business or at any other point in my life. I still have a role to play, and a mission for my life. I want to grow just a little more - to reach out just a little farther and grab hold of it. I'm not ready to admit defeat and give up. I'm ready to grab an oar and pull a little. I think I shall spend the next few posts in my journal ... um, blog, exploring where I can join in and make a difference in a paradigm other than business.
I'm sure there's someplace I can fit in and have value. I need to jump in someplace, and get started