"I guess I didn't think the journey would be quite this long."
Wow. I finally got around to watching the video in the link in my previous post. I've been meaning to do it for a while, but avoided it for some reason. What can I say? This guy has walked in my shoes (or vise versa).
Especially lately, I've wondered if I hadn't made a huge mistake in coming out, in letting myself be myself instead of what I thought I should be (or something like that). After all, the catalyst for my journey was a lie. I bought a complete fraud and it changed my life. At first I felt liberated. I hated living a lie (which is why I actively avoided getting married). For years I felt ashamed and guilty about representing myself as something I was not, and once my 'secret' was out, I felt better.
But especially these past few months, I've been almost feeling more ashamed, isolated and embarrassed than ever. Not only did I walk away from things that were important to me, but I walked toward something that I only thought I saw, that turned out to be dust in the wind. My experience with the gay world hasn't been all that positive or rewarding, and I don't fit in there.
But what's done is done, and can't be taken back. And besides, the math is valid. I am what I am, and I can stand secure in the knowledge that God's presence, anointing, goodness and mercy follows me everywhere. Good things happen to people and projects I am involved with, and there's a whole history - a trail of bread crumbs - going back a very long way in my life to document that. My heart is not polluted, or divided. My conscience is clear and my faith is real. Just like this guy. So where does this isolated, shameful crap come from?
I'm not saying that I'm perfect. In fact, just the opposite. I'm not good enough. If I were good enough I wouldn't have been suckered in by a lie. If I were good enough, I'd have done the math years ago and not suffered with trying to be something I can't be. If I were good enough, ... well, I'm not. Gay, straight, Christian, businessman or whatever, I know more than I know anything what it is to be not good enough.
And somehow, life is really good. Good things have happened to me and to that with which I have to do. I am thankful and appreciative, and even a little proud. For someone who just isn't good enough, I've done OK. I know it's a conundrum. If I were good enough, I could figure it out.
As I watched the video, I knew that I am but one of a whole big bunch of people just like me. Each of us works our way through this (or fails to). I'm not alone, isolated or inadequate. I'm just not finished with the journey yet. (But I would be if I were good enough.)
I'm excited about what happens from here on.