“There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’ "
Sometimes it is good to be unsatisfied. That's what keeps us looking, motivated and 'in the game' of life. There are some things I want very much, and don't know how to attain.
I want to quit smoking. Period. I've read all the crap on the subject, can list a hundred reasons why, have tried the tools out there, and still can't quit. But quitting smoking is something I hunger for as the ground thirsts for water.
I want to be more comfortable socially. I always feel like I don't belong. At church, at the bars, at dinner with strangers, in about any social situation to which I have not been invited for a specific, known purpose. I think there's a name for this...'social anxiety disorder'. I think I have a not-so-mild case of it. Probably comes from trying to live a life for many years when I knew I didn't belong - and knew why. Now I just know I don't fit in and have no clue why. Others feel this way too and overcome it with alcohol. That doesn't work for me. It just makes me depressed and sleepy.
I want to be successful in business. I tried for 19 years, and never failed. But I wasn't all that successful either. I have an important position at my current company, but it's not mine. I'm hungry to be in business again, in a profitable business that positively impacts lives somehow. And I'm hungry to succeed at it.
I want to see better. I know everyone has their shortcomings, and I do what I can to compensate for mine - and I haven't done a bad job. But I want to be able to see the things everyone else sees. Health sciences has no answers. But I still want it.
I want to find someone to share life with that I can connect with and who can connect with me. Everybody wants that until they either find it, or become so bitter, cynical and jaded that they decide they don't want it at all. Most gay guys my age (that I've met anyway) are pretty much there. I'm not. And this is something I'm hungry for.
I don't really know what to do about any of these things. But I think it's good that I still want them. I don't mind working through my handicaps, but I'm not giving in to them either.
I think that's healthy, just as a fire is healthy as it seeks new fuel. Sometimes I really just want to be satisfied. But today, I'm glad to still be a little hungry.