Taking Back Your Faith From The American Dream?

"I've read several books lately that I don't like."

I really don't want my blog to be a book review, and I've only commented on a couple of books I've read in the past three years. But I've had a run of books lately that I really don't like. The latest is a book by David Platt called, "Radical: Taking Your Faith Back From The American Dream." The book is well written, and there's a hint of something valuable and obvious in it. As Americans, we need to realize that Christ is Lord of the whole world, not just our little self-centered, greedy, all consuming part of it.

But the book goes to far in demonizing the American perspective. The author seems to want us to feel guilty because we're not spending our last dollar and ounce of energy taking the gospel to the ends of the earth, because we spend more time making money than we spend giving it away, because we have so much in a world that has so little, etc. Evidently, we're supposed to put down our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness in order to make the world a little less miserable.

I am reminded of the Zambian pastor/farmer that we support, who is building a farm to support an orphanage and ministry. He pretty much despises American thinking, but tolerates it, of course, because we give him money. I love they guy, and his heart is right on. He spends every bit of his energy trying to spread the love of God both conceptually and physically to a world that needs basically everything.

But when he gets on his, "Americans are screwed up" bandwagon, I always end up thinking, "Yeah, but the things you say we're wrong about are the specific things that enable us to come over here and help you."

I get America's problems. Debt, greed, self saturation, etc. But as a nation, we also have a heart to help, to love, to equip and teach and to help the rest of the world rise up and be all that they can be. Why despise us (or why should we despise ourselves) for wanting our lives, our nation, and the whole world to be more successful, to have more and to do more?

I look at it this way:

God created the earth. Built in to that creation are whole systems of ocean currents, weather patterns, natural resources and ecosystems that - despite no little abuse of man - are able to continue to produce fresh air, clean water and food to feed the whole world. Yes, there are environmental issues. But creation still produces in abundance.

God created America. Built in to that creation is a belief that all are created equally and have certain inalienable rights, a belief that ingenuity and forward thinking risk taking is rewarded richly. And the good things that America has brought to the whole world are really good.

From an American perspective, the whole world should have food to eat and water to drink, a nice house to live in and a quality education system for their kids, a 7-11 on every corner and a gym on every block, a career that they can invest themselves in and a retirement plan for when they get done working. It's not like America strives to have these things at the expense of the rest of the world. We think everyone should have them. What's so wrong with that?

Getting There

"I just realized it's been more than a month..."

My focus this year is on Wellness and Strength. And I haven't forgotten about it for a minute.

But I realized today that it has been a whole month since I said anything about it. Fear Not, All Is Well.

It's been a little slow going since my trainer left to go play baseball. I confess that I haven't spent as much time at the gym as I need to, and the time I do spend there is not as productive. I don't really like the gym anyway. I don't belong there, and often feel like a gay boy in a Baptist church. I don't really know what to do or how to act. But I am doing the same stuff that I was doing with the trainer - 'cept the hard stuff. It's so easy to talk myself out of that.

Anyway, I'm still going, and still losing fat.

And, life has been extraordinarily busy lately, which is why I haven't had much to say on my blog in general. I'm never busy, but now I am always busy. I'm usually pretty good at slowing life down when it gets this way, but I'm unable to figure out how to do so just now. I'm working on it.

But the good news is that I've now lost 20 lbs. Wow. Within a couple of weeks, I expect to drop below 200! I'm not sure how to act when I feel proud of myself for something I've accomplished physically. I think this may be the first time in my whole life that I'm going to get to feel that way. Kinda weird.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. More to come soon, I promise.

(And kudos if you noticed before now that the July calendar is from 2003. That's not an accident. I'm just that far behind at the moment.)

OK, I've Had It!

"I have a blog and an opinion. The two are destined to meet."

First, I'm soooo sorry for writing this post. I thoroughly intended to let this whole episode pass without comment. The two people involved in this incident are both belligerent idiots with chips on their shoulders, and I have no sympathy for either, or interest in the case at all. Anytime two belligerent idiots meet and one or both has a gun, there are going to be problems, aren't there?

Having said that, I've been watching Facebook and social media, as well as the news media, get all worked up about the case. People are trying to make racial issues out of it or using it as a platform to support open carry laws and "Stand Your Ground" laws, etc.

I call "Bullshit"!

In my oversimplified opinion, here are the undisputable, clearly documented facts:

• Zimmerman picked a fight.
• He shot the guy he picked the fight with.
• He claims self defense.

How could any sane, reasonably intelligent person think that those facts add up?

The rest of the saga is TBU information (True But Useless). What difference does either person's skin color make? What difference do Zimmerman's or Martin's background make? What does this have to do with race, gun control, etc?

Is Zimmerman guilty of Murder 2 or something else? I dunno. That's what the trial should have been about. The shooting may have been justified - but not under the 'self defense' umbrella. You can't pick a fight and claim self defense.

The rest - and there is so much of it I 'm going crazy - is just noise.

There. It's out of my system. I feel much better. Sorry again.

San Francisco

"I'm not leaving my heart there..."

But I am going. A friend of mine already has a hotel room at the Union Square Hilton, and I'm crowding in. It should be a great trip. He'll be busy doing stuff for his job, and I'll be exploring and taking it all in.

I'll be going the first part of August, and I'll only be there five days. Just looking around the internet, I've already found about three weeks worth of stuff I wanna do and see. Golden Gate Park, Fisherman's Wharf, the City Tour, a Giants/Orioles game Friday night, the big fish tank, Chinatown, little Italy, Alcatraz maybe? Wow. I'm tired already.

I spent many years travelling around the country installing software and training medical offices. But our business was almost always rural. I only made it to Chicago once, got as close as Newark to the Big Apple, never touched Boston, Seattle or LA. I did make it to Atlanta, Houston, Philly, Denver, San Diego and, of course, Missoula, Montana. But I've never spent any time at all in San Francisco. I know only its reputation.

I think there won't be time to go see the Redlands (which I have seen before and really love) or do the wine country tour. If it weren't for all of the crazy people out there, I could love living in California. But I can take them for a few days, I'm sure.

So, if anyone has anything to add to the must see list, especially some off the beaten path restaurant or super eclectic bar in the area, feel free to let me know.

I've lived This More Than A Few Times

"All American Boy by Steve Grand."


Give him some love (yeah, money) if you like it...Steve Grand's Bandcamp Page

Hey, I'm Three Years Old!

"Happy 3rd Blogiversary to me."

I just realized that I started my blog 3 years ago last week. And actually, my very first post was one of my best:

My Grandfather's Best Quote

"How do I know what I think about something until I hear what I have to say about it?" [my late Grandpa Jones]


I know what I think about a lot of things. This blog (if it actually is a blog) is about all of the things I don't know what I think about. Believe me, it's gonna be a long blog.

I'm gay. I'm Christian. I'm relatively smart for a complete idiot. I'm a good friend but I'm pretty much a social recluse. I have better conversations with the lake, the stars and a bottle of booze (although I don't drink much) than I do with most people. Basically, I'm your average train wreck, but you would never know it we met. My life is very organized, categorized, locked and loaded for a totally disorganized, mixed up, uneventful guy.

I think in circles, and it sometimes takes years to get out of the circle on a particular issue. I journal pretty regularly, but there is no possibility that someone else will ever read it so what's the point? So I'm gonna try this blog deal and see if, by pretending that someone else may actually see it, I can make myself say what I think so I can know whatever it is.

If that makes sense to you, please explain it to me. In the mean time, I'll try to write something that perhaps someone else will enjoy.

Here's to another few posts, anyway.

If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me

"I got fired."

I guess two months of working with me is all that my trainer could stand. He resigned at the end of my monthly contract. But I'm not taking it personally. He got an offer to go play baseball again. He is now a player on the Edinburg (Texas) Roadrunners, doing what he loves. I wish him every success.

I looked up the team and the city too since I've obviously never heard of them. The Roadrunners have a web site. Player roster and stats were last updated in Sept, 2012. But they do broadcast the games on the internet. I actually listened to part of one the other night. My former trainer came up to bat. At a 2-2 count, the announcer simply ran out of things to say, so I could hear the ball park in the background. The organ music that was playing between pitches was, "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands."

I hope the guy is happy. But how can you take something seriously with that particular song playing in your ear?

He did manage to single to right field and get on base. He got left on third two batters later. But at least he's out there playing, doing what he wants to do in life, and doing his very best to do it well.

Now I just have to figure out how to keep the momentum going on the training front by myself. I didn't have enough torque to start it, but so far, I'm keeping the concept alive. I've lost 12 lbs., and am getting closer and closer to the 200 lb. mark.

I'm challenged just now to at least put as much effort into continuing my progress as my old trainer is putting into playing baseball.

I love baseball!

To The National Security Agency Monitoring Blogs

"The Gestapo wasn't all bad, right?"

I'm not sure whether the NSA folks are monitoring blogs like they supposedly monitor emails and phone calls. But if by chance any of you nice folks happen to read this, I want to be probably the very first to wish you a great day.

As I get older, a Secret Police doesn't seem so bad. After all, we're not safe. There are mean people out there who want to do us harm. As freedom loving Americans, we have a social and cultural obligation to surrender that freedom whenever there is even a perceived threat, right? Freedom is overrated anyway. People misuse it all the time, and cause enough trouble to outweigh the benefits of freedom.

I don't actually think the NSA monitors blogs - just emails, texts and phone calls. If I were writing an email just now, I probably wouldn't discuss the half-acre of weed I am cultivating in my elderly neighbor's back yard. She doesn't go outside anymore anyway, so she isn't offended by it.

Nor would I discuss the three teenagers I acquired and keep in the bedroom closet to provide free agricultural labor, After all, someone has to keep the weeds out of the weed, right?

I'm not sure whether the NSA works very closely with the DEA or the IRS, but if they do and ever figure out what a criminal I am, I'll have to start watching the skies for Predator Drones.

But isn't there something we can do about taxes? I'm not sure how I feel about paying the government to listen to three billion phone calls each day. I don't know very many people, but everyone I know is constantly on their phone. And none of them have anything important to say - ever! Do I really need to pay people to listen to their mindless chatter?

Oh well, we have to be safe. Personally, I think we should all be confined to our homes after dark. And we shouldn't allow groups of more than two or three people to walk around in public. Guns shouldn't even be an issue. Nobody should even be allowed to carry scissors. Those things are dangerous.

I personally think we're doing a great job of counter terrorism. We're fighting fire with fire and creating the largest domestic terrorist organization in history. Bravo, guys. Keep up the good work!

Pura Vida : : Wellness And Strength

"We had a great time."

This is what the week looked like from our balcony. It is on said balcony that I thought about the ad hoc slogan of Costa Rica, "Pura Vida".

I think Pura Vida, Pure Life, connotes something different to those in Costa Rica than it does to me. At first I really loved the thought. Then I started to see it in action, and only loved it a little instead of a lot.

To me, the word 'pure' connotes two things: Pure is unpolluted. Thoughts are pure if they are not attached to multiple or conflicting motives or impure desires and intentions. A heart is pure if it is not encumbered with bitterness, jealousy, hate, fear or prejudice. Pure also means undivided. Focused, passionate and effective.

'Pura Vida' to me therefore connotes living life to its fullest, trying to make the most of each day for the good of people, the planet and everything in between. What a cool concept.

But the more I heard the phrase used and observed how and when it was invoked, the connotation changed a little. I understood it as an expression of living life fully regardless of the consequences. It does connote saving the planet, but also includes an element of self centered, 'all that matters is my pleasure, screw anyone that doesn't like it, I am the center of the universe' mentality that I completely reject.

I want to live life, especially with my emphasis on wellness and strength this year, in my own understanding of Pura Vida. I want to attack life intentionally, desiring to do good for myself and for others. I want to be strong and well. I was amazed how nice looking and healthy people seemed to be there. (I had the same observations in Africa last fall).

If people in third world countries can eat healthy, live healthy and be well and strong, why is it such a fight here at home? This makes no sense. I want to understand this better.

Pura Vida

"Greetings from Jaco Beach, Costa Rica"

I guess I'm just not going to get a picture to upload from here. But trust me, it is every bit as beautiful as the internet said it was. This place exceeds all expectations. But blogger doesn't work very well from my Android computer. For what it's worth, I'm not totally disappointed in that either.

In Oklahoma, we don't have beaches, mountains, rain forests or really fresh produce. Jaco has all of the above without the chaos of a tourist place like Cancun. Everything here is perfect. We lack nothing and are enjoying everything.

Did the zip line stuff yesterday and it was kind of lame. Went swimming in the ocean until my friend saw a snake. They say this time of year even crocodiles sometimes find their way out of the rivers and on to our beach, but not very often. The pool. Is a good alternative.

I'll post a pic or two when I get back. Until then, I'm just going to enjoy the pura vida de Costa Rica.

God, this place is great.

When All Is Stripped Away

"Christ did not come to end human suffering, but to redeem it."

The recent tornado in Moore encapsulates what I believe to be the single biggest obstacle to faith. It has many expressions, and examples are not hard to find.

The issue is, "If God is really who He claims to be, how can He let this happen?" the question is valid. The same question applies to parents losing children, disasters, sickness, any bad thing. God is Love. God is Good. God is all powerful. God is all knowing. If He knows some bad thing will happen, has the power to stop it and doesn't intervene, He becomes basically culpable. He is not Good, and this is not what Love is.

The issue drives Christians crazy, and they have a zillion ways to excuse, defend and support their faith. Most of them make no sense at all, and some are just funny.

I have a tendency to oversimplify everything. My simplistic resolution to the question is that God never promised stop all bad things in and around our lives. He promised to walk through those times with us. He promised to use even the worst things life can throw at us as opportunities strengthen and deepen our relationship with Him (and His with us).

Like the trailer park scoffers from two days ago, many scoff at the concept. For those people, there is no benefit to God. Their life is what it is, and nothing more. I'm sorry for them, but I honestly don't blame them. I think that is the wrong conclusion, but everyone has the right to reach the conclusion they are comfortable with.

For me (and countless others whose well documented stories are much more interesting than mine throughout history), I know that the bad times in life are already redeemed by what Christ did. The peaks and valleys in life are equal opportunities to experience God's presence, wisdom and power - even if the valleys are very deep and treacherous.

In this way, all things work together for Good (for God) for those who trust in the process and believe in the higher calling of the destiny and purpose He promises. Nothing is meaningless or incidental to that process, and every situation we can ever face in this life becomes a 'teachable moment' in which we learn more about Christ, personally and individually.

And honestly, a healthy separation from all of the stuff we accumulate, mansions we build and empires we think we control is not a bad thing.

So does God do bad things to us to teach us? Nope. Bad things happen and good things happen, to those who walk with God and to those who don't. That part of life is part of creation. Cause/Effect is a powerful part of that creation. Random events are also part of it. They happen to everyone, and the difference between people of faith and people without faith is in how they respond to each episode that life presents.

My working theory is that those of us who focus on our God will always be able to process, overcome and benefit from bad events in life better than those who deny God's existence at all. As a Christian, no matter what I face in life, I can say, "I know whom I have believed in and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed to him against that (or any) day."

That's what it is to be a Christian.

Moore Is Less

"Like a thief in the night - in broad daylight."

Wow. Yesterday I was pissed at the people who ignored all of the warning, stayed in a trailer park as a tornado approached and died.

Today I am overwhelmed at the destruction and loss of life in the aftermath of a tornado that came without warning, that was apocalyptic in nature and that changed the landscape of a very populated part of the Oklahoma City metro area.

Even folks that did things right died. Kids and teachers at school, in the basement below ground right where they should have been, perished as the school collapsed on top of them and the flooding rainwater drowned them. There is no word in English to describe that.

The tornado yesterday in Moore, OK cut a path 20 miles long and up to two miles wide. It picked up houses, people, cars, pets, trees, grass and even dirt and hurled it up to 75 miles away.

The guys in the trailer park yesterday might say with some legitimacy today, "See. It doesn't matter. When it's your time, it's your time. There is no difference between those who do things right and those who ignore every sign and scoff at every warning."

This is a common argument used against those whose worldview incorporates faith, destiny, living for something bigger than oneself and believing in God.

And today it is hard to argue with them. Just sayin'.

Tornado Alley 2013

"The East Coast has hurricanes, the West Coast has earthquakes, we have tornados."

Oklahoma is famous for severe weather, especially in May. Tornados are a fact of life here. I have lived here all my life and never experienced one until 2006. They really are every bit as scary and terrible as one might imagine. I hope I never have to ride out another one.

I used to joke that we aren't afraid of them. We just send them to the nearest trailer park. Then a few tornados hit a few trailer parks, and the joke isn't funny anymore. Why anyone in this particular state would live in a mobile home is beyond me. Why anyone would stay in one when they have a fifteen minute warning that a long track, huge tornado is coming blows me away.

Yesterday, a long track, early warned, heavily chased tornado smashed a pretty big trailer park and two people died.

The pic above was taken yesterday by the pastor of one of our mega churches here. It is supposedly authentic. It is obviously symbolic. The cross in the pic is 163 ft tall, located on the campus of the church. The tornado started a few miles west of the picture location and continued until it significantly damaged the town of Carney, OK, some 60 miles away, causing one injury and a bunch of property damage for a town of 649 people.

What does it take to get people to understand and respect a tornado? Do they really have to die? Tornados are non negotiable. You aren't going to win an argument with one, and they have no respect for whatever rights people think they're entitled to. They are what they are, and they do what they do. Ignore them at your own peril.

What does it take to get people to understand and respect the cross? It to is a force in and of itself. It can change lives. It has changed history. There's a lot of Facebook chatter this morning about the cross representing 'good' and the tornado representing 'destruction'. Some see the cross as defense against the tornados of life. I'm OK with that, BTW.

But my thoughts this morning, as I absorb the impact of the tornados yesterday, are how the cross and the tornado are alike. Both of them have intrinsic power to affect lives. Both of them are what they are regardless of anyone's opinion, interpretation, background, belief system or worldview. To think of the cross as just a symbol of some idealistic or esoteric concept of a utopian lifestyle or way of looking at things is a huge mistake.

The cross is as real as the tornado, and has already impacted people, communities, cultures and history more than any weather phenomenon ever could. Yet people ignore it, shun it and ridicule it just like some trailer park residents do to the weather reports. Huge mistake.

Another Couple of Weeks, Another Couple of Pounds

"At this rate, I'll look like a heroin addict by the turn of the century."

Well, the training, sweating, strengthening and progress continues. I wish it was faster, easier, done already, etc. But it isn't. So I'll keep after it.

It's not like the process is all that bad. But it's not impressive either. Kinda like my whole life, in a way.

But I'll get there. I won't be first. I probably won't be last. And I won't fail.

My trainer decided to up the stakes a little this week. We're doing different and harder stuff, and I'm sore all over. But I do feel like I'm accomplishing something, so that's good.

And I walked right by the box of doughnuts this morning at work to get to the fridge where I have a stash of really good, fresh blueberries. (I still want a doughnut.)

A Good Sports Massage

"Great. Just what I need: Something else to spend money on."

My shoulder hurts. It hurts from my neck to my elbow. It's not constant, but varies depending on what I'm doing. Both the location and intensity change all the time. I've tried ignoring it, taking some anti-inflammatory drugs (which help, but I don't like them), working around the problem, trying to develop better shoulders over time, etc.

If I go see a doctor, I presume that rotator cuff surgery will be needed. After all, insurance companies won't argue with it, it's lucrative for the doc et al, it's routine and who cares how much the recovery hurts? Maybe I should try physical therapy first. Maybe I'll find a good sports massage therapist.

I did that today.

The guy rubbed on me for a long time and it feels better already. The therapist is from South Korea and put some patch on my shoulder and arm. I asked what it was, and he told me. I didn't recognize the name, of course. He said he brought it from South Korea, and it was a special deal. Hmmm. Outcome is everything. We'll see if it helps.

The experience was cool, but not like others who routinely get massages tell me about. I enjoyed it until the end, when I checked out and the receptionist pushed the 'plan' on me. If I buy a massage a month for a year, I save $20 each. If I want more than one a month, the second one is half price.

I suggested we see if this one helps in the gym, and she made it clear that if I didn't sign up today it would cost an extra $100 and I wouldn't get a month free. I explained that I just had my first ever massage, and I enjoyed it, and I felt better. But I wasn't quite ready to buy $750 worth of them today. She acted offended. I felt sorry for her.

Somehow I bet that if I do decide to sign up for a massage a month for a year on my next visit (if there is one), they'll do a special deal just for me and waive the fee and throw in the extra month. But my first reaction is that I will never find out.

We'll see.

Miracle In Las Vegas

"No, we didn't win a million bucks."

Circa 1978, our family hosted a foreign exchange student from Belgium. He was supposed to stay for a school year then go home. He never left.

By 1984, he completely ran out of options to extend his visa. Against our parents' advice, he married the girl he was dating primarily to stay here. He moved to Chicago to marry her, and we never heard from him again.

Fast forward to last weekend, as I am in Vegas with my bro doing 50 proud. We wander into Planet Hollywood and listen to the final set of music from a pretty good rock band. We start a conversation with a pretty blond girl, who happens to be in Vegas with her best friend celebrating her 50th. She mentions that she is from Chicago, lives in California now, went to school at OU and married a European guy who is an aeronautical engineer. My bro mentioned our long lost student by name, and it turns out that the pretty blond is the very same girl the guy left to marry almost 30 years ago.

To say that all of our minds were blown would be an understatement. Sometimes coincidences are just too coincidental to be mere coincidence. Word travelled fast, and the blowing of minds extended to at least four states. We've tried to find this guy several times over the past 29 years and didn't have any luck. Now, without warning or preparation, here's his (now ex) wife. What a wonderful, random, unexplainable, out of the blue experience.

When we finally got to talk to him, It was really weird. I told him it was good to talk to my brother who ran away from home. We heard about his kids, career and life, but none of us had our fill of talking. Hopefully over the next few weeks and months, we'll be able to reconnect with someone who was a big part of my family during and after high school.

What a great birthday present.

And Elton John was fantastic. I thoroughly enjoyed every single second of that concert.

What a weekend!

8 Lbs, 1 Month And No Potatos

"The five food groups: Meat, Cheese, Potatoes, Pasta, Bread"

I've been working with Tylor, my trainer for a month now. I've lost eight lbs, which isn't all that good or bad. I don't miss them, for what it's worth.

It's time to sign up for another month. Here's the paraphrased conversation we had about that.

Tylor: Are we going to keep doing the same schedule this month, or do you need to cut back to two days a week?"

Me: Well, I've been thinking a lot about that. My thoughts drifted towards all of the advantages of being a couch potato. I've been asking myself whether I'm going the right direction. I could be sitting at home watching the Rangers' game, eating potato chips, drinking a Coke and smoking. That scenario offers some real advantages that I'm not going to get spending my time up here working out with you.

I would enjoy eating food from the five food groups again.

I have insurance. If I get diabetes, insurance and eventually Medicare will pay for it.

If I get really, really fat, I can get a handicap sticker from my Dr. ...

[Tylor just kept filling out the paperwork as if I wasn't saying anything. I was hoping for an argument, grimace, objection, negotiation for an order of fries now and then or something. It didn't happen.]

Me: You're not buying any of this are you?

Tylor Nope. You've come too far. Did you want to pay by check or credit card?

[I signed the form and handed over the card.]

50 And All's Well

"Turning 50 isn't the end of the world."

Well, I made it. And all is well.

For my birthday my bro is taking me to Vegas for a long weekend. We're also going to go see Elton John in concert. That will really be fun.

Other than that, the day was uneventful and routine, just like I wanted it to be.

At some point, I still need to think through what happens next. But not today.

The Verdict Is In

"I'm not good enough, but I wouldn't trade places with anyone."

I think (hope?) it is normal when one crosses a milestone in life (like turning 50 tomorrow) to reflect on the past asking questions like, "What's Right?", "What is wrong?", What happens now?", etc. I've obviously been asking those questions for the past couple of months. I've found some things that are finally wrong enough to motivate me to change them - hence the Wellness and Strength focus this year.

And I think that my 50th anniversary of existence will come down the same as always where those questions are concerned.

I'm not good enough. There's a ton of evidence and more than enough witnesses to support that verdict, and there's really no defense. I've had the best opportunities, exposure to some of the best people on the planet and was provided with more knowledge of God than most people I know. I know many people who have done far more with far less. In many ways I feel like I've missed the bull's-eye in life.

But I'm in a good place. Even if I didn't do it right, life has been pretty good to me. I have less stress and am less busy than anyone I know. I have enough money, plenty of time, a heart that can still love deeply and is relatively unpolluted and undivided. And I'm happy.

I haven't done it lately, but in the past few years I've checked in on some of the people who have been the most belligerent at telling me I'm not good enough, and they got shit. I wouldn't trade places with any of them. If they're so much better than me, and I'm so not good enough, they are the ones that should have more to show off, not me.

Russell Westbrook, all star point guard for the OKC Thunder NBA team provides a great picture of life for me just now. Just a couple of years ago, everyone was on his case. They nicknamed him 'Worstbrook' and thought we should get rid of him. This week, he hurt his little knee and you'd think that the balance of power in the whole free world changed because of it. I'm glad he didn't believe in the people who said he wasn't good enough.

Anyway, who said I was supposed to be good enough? I'm a great guy, and that is good enough.

For all of those who don't think so, I'm truly sorry. Your lives would be better if you thought otherwise.

Gay, Straignt or Fifty?

"If I haven't figured it out by now, I never will."

I used to think that the world was divided between gay and straight.

As I approach 50, I realize that my world is actually divided between gay, straight and 50.

There were things I could do when I was 4 that were inappropriate when I was 20. Other things, appropriate when I was 20 are inappropriate at 50. I'm not making statements here that apply to anyone else on the planet except me. But for me, the whole gay/straight thing is no longer an appropriate subject for me to invest myself in any more.

I have no interest in being an advocate for anything, especially in the political arena, especially in a paradigm where there is so much passionate hate on both sides. I do hope that the next generation of people like me who love God and are gay have the opportunity to live life without the oxymoron. I hope that in the future they won't have to live a lie or try to be something they aren't.

I have never had any desire to live in Sodom and Gomorrah. There is a dark side of the gay world, just as there is a dark side of the straight world. I have no interest in either. I am the polar opposite of a dirty old man, and there is no way that will ever change. I have compared this part of life to the ghetto, and am sad for those who have decided to live there. I am more sad for those who (at least from their own points of view) have been forced to live there by a family, society or culture that will not tolerate them anyplace else.

I would probably try to do something to help people escape the ghetto, but I don't know anything about life there or how to relate to those who call the ghetto home. And of that I am not ashamed.

It would have been great to fall in love with someone when I was in my 20's and try to build a life together. But that's not how it worked out for me. For ten years, I have stood on the outskirts as an outsider looking in, and never found a place inside the gay world to land. I've only met two gay guys that I thought I could have a relationship with that would last longer than an evening. One went bananas and the other turned me off like a bad TV show.

So be it. This is part of who I am, but in my case it's not a very big part. I'm done and out.

As I turn 50, for me the gay paradigm becomes inappropriate. I'm actually excited to be free of it.

If I ever have to answer questions about my sexuality in the future, the answer will be, "I am alone. Just like I have been my whole life." In case that sounds depressing, it's not. Somehow it fits me and feels right. I'm good with it.

Time Flies When You're Damn Near Fifty

"Life is too short to safely remove USB devices."

There's just one week left before I turn 50. And a busy week it is shaping up to be.

It starts tonight with an invitation to joyfully watch the OKC Thunder empty the Rockets in Game 1 of Round 1 of the NBA playoffs. We're going to be in one of the suites with people who have a lot more money and influence than I. Should be a blast. (That little Russian shit is still in custody in Boston, right?)

And my cousin is coming from Denver this week. She's always a lot of fun.

And the Oklahoma City Arts Festival is here this week. That's always the most expensive 'free admission' venue of the year for me. I always find something in my price range (barely) that I think I can't live without.

And the personal training continues. I don't get a vacation until I've been doing it full time for at least six months. Oh, wait. I'm establishing some momentum there, and don't want to disrupt it just yet.

Work is crazy busy.

Who has time to turn 50? Surely not I.

But, just as Spring is coming no matter what Winter thinks of it, I will turn 50 Monday next. Since I plan to live forever in one world or another, I don't think 50 is that big of a deal. But I have some tidbits to throw out before the event actually happens.

There are a couple of specific issues that I want to write about, but overall I think I've been fifty since I was thirty-five. I'm actually pretty excited to be able to act my age for the first time in years. With a couple of exceptions, life is good, and I'm happy with it. That's the backdrop against which I approach 50.

I don't theink the event will actually be very traumatic. And it's going to be fun to be busy enough not to worry about it this week.

3 Lbs, 2 Weeks, Low Torque

"What does a scale know anyway?"

Well, it's been two weeks exactly since I started working with a trainer and following his meal plan. I've lost 3 lbs. according to the scale, and converted an additional 5 lbs. of fat to muscle (if I correctly understood the rocket science body fat machine crap).

Nothing to jump up and down about (which means I probably need to jump up and down summore).

I guess I was expecting a little more, but I probably shouldn't have. As I explained to my trainer, I am a solid 'C' student.

I have made a ton of progress that the scale knows nothing about.

The digestion issues, acid reflux, bloating, heartburn stuff is completely gone altogether. That is enough progress in two weeks all by itself.

The shoulder, elbow and back issues are well under control. My shoulder and arm don't hurt at all when I exercise or just move it around like it used to. I was probably more worried about this issue than my weight. I was anticipating some orthopedic surgery remedy (something about rotator cuff) if I discussed it with the doctor. I had therefore not discussed it.

But by far the most surprising aspect of my first two weeks is that I am actually having a great time. I went in to this thing thinking about taking my medicine. I need it. It's better than the alternative. I have to just put on a smile and go do this with a good heart because it's the right thing to do for where I am in life just now.

The truth is that I am having a blast.

It's not like we're doing anything I haven't done before. I know my way around the gym a little. I understand the importance and mechanics of an exercise routine. This time is different. I'm not sure why or how exactly. But I'll take it.

So, even though the scale says we're off to a slow start, I feel better. I'm having fun and seeing results.

That'll work.

Boston

"This shouldn't happen in Boston."

First off, I join the chorus of people all over the world and offer my condolences and sympathy to the city of Boston and those impacted by recent events there.

I've had a day to get acclimated to the events at the Boston Marathon, and the flashbacks from April, 1995 here in Oklahoma City have subsided. My overwhelming thought on the matter is, "Why does stuff like this happen in Boston and Oklahoma City? These places don't deserve this kind of catastrophe."

I don't think the random killing and maiming of innocent people who are just going about their days is ever a good thing. Terrorism is not warfare. There are ways to make one's point without causing such indiscriminate damage or loss of life. Humanity, with or without God, needs to mature to the point where the whole species, even the least of us, understands that this kind of thing is as unthinkable as a square circle or division by zero.

My prediction is that the perpetrator in this case turns out to be a skinny white guy that is mad at the world, just like the incident in Oklahoma City. But whoever did this is undoubtedly is proud of themselves just now. And that alone is enough of a tragedy all by itself.

As bad as this would be in any city on earth, even in places like Afghanistan or Pakistan where events like this are commonplace, the fact that this happened in Boston just makes the whole thing worse.

This stuff never seems to happen in Miami, Detroit, Newark, etc. I've been to cities all over America, and they are not created equally. Different cities have different personalities and some cities are crappy for reasons other than geography. There are many cities that I have spent some time in and would as soon never visit again.

But Boston, Oklahoma City Chicago, Denver, Houston and a host of other cities all over this country are filled with wonderful, loving, happy people that love Life and get along just fine. These cities should be immune somehow from the urges of crazy people who think they have a point to make through acts of terrorism.

Personally, I really like Boston, and would retire there if I could figure out how. It has the best of all worlds, and I really like the people there. I'm genuinely sorry for what happened there this week. It's a real shame.

Oh Boy!

"I need a drink!"

I just wrote checks to the Federal and State Mafias for significantly more than my annual salary.

I didn't do it this year, but in the past I have taken a quick poll of coworkers in my circle of influence. First I asked if they knew how much their refund would be this year. Everyone knew exactly.

The second question is whether they knew how much they paid in taxes last year. Nobody knew.

It's not that I worked with stupid people, they just don't want to know. Their thinking is that there's nothing they can do about it anyway, and it's depressing. So it's better just not to know the answer.

But dammitt! It's important.

When I look at my own personal finances, specifically at where my money goes, the single biggest expense I have is my house. Every month I pay principle, interest, insurance and ... taxes. All of that taken together represents the single largest bite out of my paycheck every month.

The second biggest expense I have is Income Tax. I spend more money on taxes than I do on food, transportation, entertainment (even with Internet and TV) or anything else.

I'm spending more money on Taxes than I spend on anything else except my house. The expense is not optional and I am not satisfied with the value I receive for the money I spend. Outside of income tax, I pay all kinds of taxes already. Taxes out the wazoo are built into every product I buy - then I pay sales taxes on top of that. And the government is broke - and always looking for more revenue.

Personally, I think we have to shut this thing down a little. Sure, we need government. But we don't need one that's this big or this expensive. But unless and until the average American knows how much they are paying in taxes, nothing will ever change...except taxes will go up.

Choices And Outcomes

"All decisions are stupid if the outcome says so."

At the risk of saying more of nothing, I am ready to close up my thoughts on the Parable of the Talents (Matt. 25) in the context of my turning fifty this month. I am glad I have a good place to say it.

My thoughts lately have surrounded the servant not discussed in the text, who was given some number of talents and lost his master's stake outright. As I approach 50, it is painfully obvious that I've made some pretty bad investments and some stupid decisions, in hindsight at least, over the past half a century.

But it seems that there is an inherent disconnect between one's choices and the outcome those choices generate. There are no guarantees in life and bad things happen to good people every day. The converse is also woefully true. So the obvious wisdom of the parable, that success equates to good and faithful but failure equates to wicked and lazy, is bogus.

The sin of the one who buried his master's talent so it could be returned safely is in not making choices at all...not doing anything in fear of doing it wrong.

So what about the choices and decisions I've made and the lack of quantifiable results? Shouldn't good choices lead to positive outcomes just as good trees bear good fruit?

So here are my conclusions as I survey the landscape of my first 50 years as a human being.

One. Good decisions are good and bad decisions are bad regardless of the outcome. To understand choices in any other context is self defeating as the outcome is unknown at the time the choice is made. If we only make choices when the outcome is known in advance, we're not really making choices at all. We are burying our talents of faith, imagination, inspiration and creativity in the soil of fear and doubt. The parable defines this as wicked and lazy.

Two. Life is about taking risk. We reach out in faith and passion to attain that which does not exist and create that which is good. The whole universe is geared to provide that opportunity for us and allow the choices to play out. Almost any decision can lead to more than one outcome. If the one that develops is not the one we envisioned, we learn and grow.

Three. There is a built in margin of error. The process of creation through imagination and passion is hard. We're allowed to make mistakes. In my experience, over time the universe even helps mitigate those mistakes and compensates for the damage or failure they cause.

Four. It is OK to be disappointed in the outcome without being ashamed of the decision. We (or at least I) tend to tie those two reactions together. This is inappropriate and self destructive. I have made many decisions that didn't produce the outcome I wanted or expected. But I have actually made very few decisions that I am ashamed of.

Five. Other people are entitled to the same margin of error afforded to us. We need to quit judging, hating and condemning each other. The practice of stoning people should have ended when Christ said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." We need to learn to keep our rocks in our pockets - or just put them down. They serve no good purpose. (This is easy to say and hard to do, I know. But this post is about choices. This is a choice.)

Six. Overall, the process works. We need to keep trying, keep creating, keep learning and keep making choices that we believe will make life on earth better. We need to understand that the process of doing so is something we can believe in and hope in whether the outcome of any certain decision says so or not. In the parable, the master is the judge, not the outcome.

We need to understand that one good decision can change the rest of our lives. We need to be prepared, whether we're 50 or not, to make that decision when the opportunity presents itself. We need to do so with enthusiasm and faith, always anticipating the outcome that says, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

And, for now, I'm done with this parable and I'm one step closer to being ready to be 50.

The Trainer

"When the student is ready the teacher will come."

It took months for me to go find a personal trainer to help me get in better shape, lose weight and re-develop a more healthy, physically fit lifestyle. It's not really rocket science. It's just math. I need to create a 500 calorie deficit over what I was doing previously. I need to 'move more, eat less'. I need to, but I didn't.

So, I finally figured out I wasn't going to do it on my own. I'm not qualified to know what to do anyway (any more than I am qualified to prescribe my own medications). I'm not smart enough, diligent enough or committed enough to pull this off. It took a while, but I got there.

And there, waiting on me to get there, was the most perfect trainer for me that I could have imagined. Please meet Tylor.

He's the perfect trainer and a great guy.

He used to play professional baseball, which is an asset on two fronts. First, my shoulders and elbows are horribly weak, and baseball players know about that stuff first hand. Tylor knows exactly where to pull, push, stretch and poke around those areas. It's all the same stuff needed to throw a baseball across the diamond and get the out at the plate. Second, I love baseball. I could never play it, but baseball is the only sport I ever had any real interest in. I would love to have been able to step up to the plate and hit the ball - even just once.

He's a Canadian, and is stereotypically nice, easy going and fun to be around. For a jock, I really enjoy his company. I was sort of hoping to find someone with more of a medical or physical therapy bias. A friend of mine uses just such a trainer, and is very happy with him. But Tylor is a better match for me because he is the perfect balance between fun and intimidating. From an accountability perspective, I really don't want to get cross threaded with him.

And he gets it. He gets my humor and my situation. He knows I don't really want to be there, but need to embrace wellness and strength on a physical level. He doesn't dumb down our workouts or pull any punches when I slack off. But he makes the process enjoyable at the same time. At least subjectively, this is very important. I was really dreading starting a workout regimen at the gym. He has made the experience more than tolerable - even pleasant.

Overall, he's just what I would choose for a trainer. He's smart enough, engaging enough, mean enough and cute enough to keep me in the game. And he doesn't like tofu and bean sprouts either. He's got me eating good stuff that I like on a nutrition program that isn't a burden.

Wow. Why did I wait so long to track this guy down? I can't believe I actually feel this way, but I'm really excited to see what happens over the next few months.

(Since I basically just wrote a commercial for the guy, I guess I should add that he is at Anytime Fitness on W. Hefner Rd (Hefner and Rockwell). If anyone locally needs a good trainer, look him up. I'm sure he could use the business as much as you could use his special expertise. If he can make me excited to go to the gym, he can do about anything. Don't tell him I said that though. He'll raise his prices.)

The Gym

"OK, I'm all done being stupid."

Well, Since December, I've been thinking and talking about getting in better shape. More specifically, about eating better and exercising more. Less specifically, about Wellness and Strength as I turn 50 this year and start the second half century of my life.

And I have accomplished some things. I've starting vaping instead of smoking, and that's going pretty well. I never drink soda anymore. I'm taking better care of my mouth, trying to eat smarter and working out at home a little.

And on the scale, the sum total of all of that taken together is a big, fat, perfectly shaped zero.

And I realize that I've been an idiot. Why am I trying to figure all of this out when there are fitness gyms on every corner with educated and motivated personal trainers who already have all of this figured out?

Other people like going to the gym and working out. They want to look good for their wives or show off or be studs. I get it, but that's not who I am. Some older guys want to look like they're 25 again and so they work out, buy red convertibles and try to date 22 year old girls. Not this guy - although I do drive a red Jeep and the top comes off...hmmm.

For me, working out is like taking medicine. I don't want to, I need to. If I could figure out how to accomplish Wellness and Strength, be all that I can be and honor God without doing it, I would.

My thoughts this month are: If I need to work out, I need to treat it like medicine. I need to do it right (maximize the time invested in it, avoid injury and not waste time and energy doing it wrong).

I'm not the guy to do that, any more than I am the right guy to go browse through the prescription medicines behind the counter at a pharmacy and figure out what medicine to take. I need someone who knows what he's doing.

And I found him. We had our first workout together yesterday. I honestly think we accomplished more in an hour than I have accomplished in four months on my own. I'm excited, and ready for more medicine. More to follow...

Easter: The Antithesis of Narcissism

"My reflection would be more lovely if the water were more pure."

For Christians, the Christmas Star and the Empty Tomb serve as bookends around what has become known as "The Christ Event". But as Christians, we also believe that Christ was not a temporal, mortal man. We believe that He existed in the beginning and will orchestrate an end that has yet to unfold.

As such, we believe that God created man in His image, also immortal and eternal by nature. Life provides an environment by which we choose to live out eternity in the darkness of death or in the light of Life.

Then we spend our days trying to live up to that higher calling; to be in the light as He is in the light. We try to discern and do good, perceive and reject evil, be transformed by the renewing of our minds and be conformed to the image of Christ in every conceivable way.

Unlike Narcissus, we gaze upon our own reflections and see our imperfection, our shortcomings, our weaknesses and failures.

And if we're not careful, like Narcissus, we become enraptured by that reflection.

As I reread my blog posts over the past few years, I realize how self centered (if not narcissistic) I am. My theme this year of Wellness and Strength, my Momentum thoughts of 2011, my perspective on homosexuality (which I still can't believe I put out there for everyone on the planet to read), even my thoughts on God and how to live life, think and act in congruence with my knowledge of Him - the whole list is all about me.

In my defense, I don't know what else I'd write about. I don't know anything about anybody else.

But still, on this particular Easter, the wind is blowing in a different direction. My thoughts today are that the whole reason for Easter is to set me (and all of us) free from the paradigm above. God died for us because He loves us, and that is our only hope - our only salvation.

When He walked among us, Jesus healed ten blind people. Nine of them went off looking at stuff. They could see at last, and I'm sure they were busy looking. Maybe they were enraptured by all of the stuff they could see. One of the ten came back to say, "Thank You."

I'm sure I'll get back to my own reflection soon...to all of the stuff that's wrong with me and how to fix it, overcome it, etc. But today, I just want to say, "Thank You, Christ Jesus for all that You are, for all that You have done, for all that You are doing day by day in and around me, for Your love and sacrifice on my behalf, for life and light."

Maybe that's all I really need to do every day.

It's All My Fault

"and I'm really proud of that."

Facing down the final month before I turn 50, thinking about the Parable of the Talents in Matt. 25 and Easter tomorrow, my thoughts today surround being at fault.

We live in a world that wants someone to blame for everything. Unfortunately, or mirror doesn't always allow that person to be someone else. Even when it is clearly someone else's fault, God admonishes us to 'forgive, even as He has forgiven us."

I know that there are many situations in my life that didn't work out the way I intended. I know that I am not beyond criticism. But there is a component of the blame game that hardly ever gets noticed.

The one 'at fault' most of the time is the one who instigates the situation in the first place.

Ultimately, God created everything, so in a sense everything is His fault. God handles this burden easily. He didn't create bad situations. He created opportunities for really good situations - even in the face of tragedy and suffering.

Since we are created in God's image, it is our bias to use our imagination and faith to create situations in and around our own lives. We plan, try, dream, work and invest ourselves in all kinds of things that we think will make our lives and the lives of the people we care about better. This is a good thing. It's how we're designed to work.

Sometimes, our motives are not pure. Thus we have God's word and spirit to create in us a pure, clean heart. There is a remedy designed to show us how to create better.

Sometimes, our motives are pure. But through a lack of knowledge or perspective, we start a cause/effect reaction that doesn't end well. We learn from those experiences and accumulate a resource over time called Wisdom to protect us from making those mistakes again. There is a remedy for those who lack wisdom.

Sometimes, our motives are pure and our actions are wise. But someone else involved in the equation screws things up. Then they turn around and tell us it's our fault. We need to learn to see through that. When our hearts a re pure and our hands are clean, we approach God boldly, full of confidence in Him. There is a remedy for those who do right and are called wrong at the throne of Grace.

Sometimes our motives are pure, our actions are wise and the whole universe works together on our behalf. But some random something beyond our control thwarts our efforts and steals our outcome. Call it bad luck. In those times, when the rest of the world tells us it's our fault, we just have to say, "Shit Happens," pick ourselves up and try again.

The only way I will ever get through life and be able to say that nothing is my fault is if I don't do anything to start with. That is the sin of the wicked and lazy servant. Of that, I am absolutely Not Guilty. And the proof is all of the people who think it's my fault!

Too Late For Me

"...but it's about damn time."