"I don't want to be alone, I just don't want to be around people."
Whenever I think about my social life, and what to do with Friday evenings to avoid Friday Night Let Down, there is always one recurring question. I guess it's time to deal with it head on and see.
The question is, "Am I just another arrogant, spoiled, gay-boy snob?"
I don't want to spend time with drunk, arrogant, full of shit, two faced barflies with pharmaceutical issues and no intentional future beyond tonight's 'drunk & fuck' and tomorrow's hangover. I don't mind being around them now and then any more than I mind going to the circus. The entertainment value is good for a bit, but I damn sure don't want to live there.
So, is the paragraph above a judgmental, hateful, bitter unfair stereotype just like conservative Christianity's overall attitude towards homosexuality?
I really, really don't mean it that way. I have no right to criticize anyone else's lifestyle or decisions, and have absolutely no desire to do so. I tried to explain this earlier in this post: Very Judgmental But Nobody's Judge. It's not about others choose to live their lives, it's about how I choose to live mine. In fact, I think that each of us has not just the right, but the responsibility to make the most out of the life we've been given.
There is no hate or nose wrinkling scorn in me at all that I can detect. But I wonder what others see?
I also don't want to spend any time at all with churchy, dogmatic people who criticize everyone in the world that is not like them. I've met many of these people over the years, and find their company distasteful at best. I know my bible inside out and backwards. But I have no interest in using something so wonderful and full of love as a hammer to beat people up with. A Bible Thumper, I am not.
I have a built in aversion to stupid people. My sense of humor is more complex than 'knock-knock jokes', and discussions about how loudly one can pop his knuckles or the pitch and duration of his flatulence do not impress me in the least.
I know just enough about sports to be considered an idiot. If the best someone can talk about is NASCAR or the WWF, I'm not going to be able to participate in the conversation. I can survive for a minute or two in conversations about the MLB, NFL or college football, but not much longer. I could learn more, for the sake of conversation, but I don't care about any of it, and the last thing I want to do is be disingenuous. If I wanted to do that, I'd get back in my closet and pretend to be straight.
I like acoustic jazz, classical, some electronica and feel good music. Classic rock and some pop is OK. But two chord wang-bang turned up so loud that you need a bullhorn to talk over it is no fun. And 'twang me dang me, gonna take a rope and hang me' music is - well, I'd just rather have it quiet.
This is what always happens to me when I think about my social life. I immediately start thinking about all of the people I just really don't want to hang with. Seems like there aren't many left once I'm done. That's not good.
Maybe I need to spend a little time thinking about the people I really do want to be around, and maybe from there I can figure out how to find some.
In the mean time, there's the question as to whether I'm just an arrogant snob, and if so whether that is a bad thing.