"How can we expect anyone else to love us if we hate ourselves?"
One of my contentions when I worked through what I called Christian Math is that gay guys take the conservative christian (et al) condemnation of homosexuality much more seriously than conservative Christians do. We tend put more faith in criticism from others than we do in our own understanding and knowledge about ourselves.
We have been (falsely) taught to hate ourselves from a very young age. This lesson came from a number of sources, be it church, people we grew up with in Jr High and High School, our parents, gay bashing politicians, mainstream media and the film industry,.etc. We grew up and live in a culture that pretty much hates and rejects us, and it's easy to agree with them when you take a good look at gay life.
The gay community's answer to this is "Gay Pride". Whatever the ideals and intentions behind the Gay Pride movement, the application of Pride weekend is that it's an opportunity to be drunk for three days and behave in a manner that absolutely supports the cultural disdain for the gay lifestyle that "Pride" is designed to counteract.
So a circular system is set up in which our culture hates us causing us to hate ourselves and live our lives in a way that is self destructive and feeds the hatred that initiated our self image and behavior in the first place.
Until this circle is broken, we lose. (And probably rightfully so.)
In my efforts to reach out more socially, and overall efforts to find someplace to stand in the gay world, I've met so many guys with so many stories. On one extreme is they guy who is totally closeted and totally scared and ashamed to come out, who loathes how he feels in the inside and yet the feelings are strong. I remember when I was that guy.
On the other extreme is the guy who is out, open and belligerent. He hates himself and everybody who hates him, and expresses that hate with every drink, every high, every sexual experience and every relationship.
Both of these extremes make me hurt down on the inside, and I could be either of these any time I want. I understand both points of view better than I ever wanted to.
I really want to help, and I don't know how. I really want to find some 'normal' gay guys to hang with and one to fall in love with. I really want to run away from it all, and retreat to the safety of my closet that I understand. I really want things not to be the way they are.
Well, since tomorrow is Father's Day, I'll quote dear old dad here: "You can want in one hand and shit in the other. The other hand will always fill up first."
Anyway, I'm tired of 'wanting' and ready to engage. So here we go...