Aspire To Grow

"The three criteria for life are Respiration, Circulation and Ambition."

A pulse proves that our heart is beating, but it doesn't prove that we're alive. Having goals, dreams and a destiny worthy of life is what proves that we are indeed living creatures.

If the things we aspire to have any value, they are by definition going to be hard. And we are by definition going to make mistakes along the way. It's better if we try to avoid stupid mistakes, but we're going to screw up at some point.

And when w screw up, it seems like the whole world is anxious to point out our error. If the government can figure out how to impose a penalty, fine or sanction, it does so enthusiastically. Friends sometimes laugh at us, or push away from us. Family loves to say, "I told you so", and our own conscience rebukes us incessantly.

Our response to these things leads one of two directions.

Either we train our conscience, family and friends to help us accomplish our goals and realize our dreams, pick ourselves up and refocus, reaffirm, regroup and recommit ourselves to the outcome we seek, and experience this natural phenomenon called Growth,

Or we shrug our shoulders, and in the grasp of guilt, we realize that our dreams are unattainable, our goals are out of reach and we're not good enough. We set our goals and dreams aside and conform to others' expectations of us or someone else's image of who we're supposed to be And we experience the unnatural result called Complacency.

I could insert a whole sermon here about where God stands in this particular either/or. But those of you who would be interested in the sermon can write it yourselves. Those would would be offended by it wouldn't read it anyway.

So instead, I just want to be a voice today that encourages each and every person on the planet who feels like they're falling short, failing and bogged down in life to use the re- words above and a hundred others, to pick yourself up and keep pressing on. Don't stop growing, the other choice is dying. Accept your mistakes with humility and don't repeat them, and move on.

Don't be talked out of your destiny. Aspire to grow instead.

Eat, Pray, Love, Ugh!

"I think I'm the only person I know that didn't like this movie."

I feel so ashamed and bad about myself. Everybody I know has been bugging me to see Eat, Pray, Love. Literally everybody I know loves the movie. I went to a friend's house for the OU - Texas game, and he loaned me his copy of the movie (which I left on his coffee table accidentally). I finally watched the whole thing last night.

What a beating! I was very careful to stay awake through the whole thing so I wouldn't miss anything and be forced to watch it again. If it hadn't been so late when the movie finally ended, I would have dialed up some Charles Bronson movie, or something equally manly.

The weird thing is that I should have loved it too. It's got lots of stuff that I should identify with...a spiritual quest, emotional drama, love and hurt and gurus and people who see with the heart, not just the eyes. The movie discusses concepts that I live for, and avidly seek in my own life. I love Julia Roberts. I should have loved the movie, and I didn't. I'm so bad.

I can't even put my finger on what I didn't like about it. As I sit here trying to think of things that I didn't like, all I can bring to mind are things that I did like - despite not liking the movie at all. I wouldn't feel so bad about myself if I could figure out why I didn't enjoy the damn movie, but the truth is I have no clue.

I would think more about why I didn't like the movie more than I did, except I didn't enjoy the movie enough to think about it that much. Now all of my friends are going to ask what I thought of the movie, and I'm going to say how cute Ian was or how beautiful Bali looks. Comments like that will get me safely out of the conversation, I hope.

For what it's worth, I really wanted to enjoy this movie. Does that count for anything?

First Sulu, Now Spock. What's The Future Coming To?

"i believe in the power of intention to change the landscape of our society - and it is my intention to live an authentic life of compassion and integrity and action." -Zachary Quinto

The new Mr. Spock in the reboot of Star Trek finally, after dodging the question for a long time, came out officially yesterday. Zachary Quinto, motivated by yet another teen suicide of a tormented gay kid mercilessly bullied by his peers, wrote a very classy and moving statement on his website.

The gay world needs role models. Successful people doing things right. Not only does the gay world need high profile, quality people, the straight world needs to see them too. If being gay is not what conservative Christians, Muslims, Rednecks, etc. think it is, it's up to the gay community to show them.

Observing quality role models and authentic examples of people living life right is the only way that the straight community is going to be able to develop any respect for the gay world. Hell, it's the only way those in the gay world are going to develop any meaningful self respect and see their own potential value.

I don't know anything about Zachary Quinto (outside of the Star Trek movie, which I enjoyed greatly, and the fact that he's killer cute with that beard.) But I read his statement, and put part of it at the top of this post.

Look at the power words he is using:

"I Believe". The gay world is famously shallow and self centered, and finding gay guys who believe in anything farther than 18 inches from the end of their ... um ... noses is difficult.

"Intention". The power of intention is the nonreligious and esoteric way to say God.

"Authentic". The opposite of the mask, the antithesis of bullshit. A life lived as an expression of something genuine, meaningful and important. Just reading those words from a gay guy is refreshing.

"Compassion".  Reaching out with the power of intention to help others, straight and gay, live better lives.

"Integrity". The opposite of two-faced. Living life on purpose, whether others are looking or not.

"Action". More than lip service.

If Quinto's statement is a well written ploy by his publicist to garner attention, then I applaud his publicist. He's saying just exactly the right things, and the whole world needs to say them too.

But if the statement is a genuine expression of how the guy thinks, feels, acts and believes, then I applaud him wholeheartedly and enthusiastically, and wish him every success and opportunity to give those words substance in the real world, with real people and producing real change.

All Is Well

"Hey, I'm all caught up."

I ended the week Friday at 4:30 by signing our renewal for our line of credit at work. I knew the guy was coming, so I worked to get all of my stuff done before he got there. I realized about fifteen minutes before our appointment that my desk was pretty much cleared off, and that I was, for the first time in months, caught up.

Our collections finally caught up with expenses incurred to produce the sales that led to the collections, so all of the bills are paid. As my desk is the resting place for any piece of paper that no one else in the office wants to deal with, my desk usually contains a collection of crap that I either deal with or throw away. And that's all done for now.

On October 7th, I did some mental/emotional house cleaning and I find my agenda of things to think about is in about the same shape as me desk.

Both at work and outside of work, there are some things on the not too distant horizon that will need my attention. My nephew made me play a no fun game of "Heads or Tails" last week, and an equally unpleasant game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" is inevitable. Rock: When a man's down, kick him. I'm done supporting a lifestyle I fundamentally disagree with. Paper: Give the kid a break. He's young and will make mistakes. The rest of the world will kick him hard enough. Don't add my boot. Scissors: Up to now, I've let him do his own thing with invited advice only and no interference. The interference starts now.

I don't particularly like any of those answers. If anyone has a vote or some advice, I'd love to hear it.

But my thoughts this weekend are about how good it feels to be on top of things again. My house is even clean and my laundry is caught up. I'm in an all too temporary state of being just now where all is in order, and I can really rest.

There are moments in almost every day of 'imposed peace'. These are good times when I intentionally and belligerently push the conflicts, agendas, thought processes and drama away and immerse myself in a peace based on the knowledge that Christ has the whole world in his hands, and that one of the benefits to walking with Him is encapsulated by Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

But I also enjoy times like now when the world is right, all is well and life is good all by itself, without being enforced by faith or held on to by reaching outside of myself.

So, What's Up?

"No, I don't want to know what you're doing, I wanna know What Is Up?"

It's easy to understand UP meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house, and some guys fix UP the old car.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP. Just as I'm getting all wound UP it's time to shut UP!

Now it's UP to you to decide, "What's UP?"

[Editor's Note: This is the first time I've ever plagiarized anything on my blog, but I thought it was funny. I actually adapted it from an email someone sent me. Sorry, I promise not to do it again.]

Well, CRAP!

"I really hoped I wouldn't have to write a post like this."

My Nephew #3 of Six is driving around Bethany last night around 2 AM and gets pulled over and cited for improper lane use. The Cop found he had been drinking alcohol and since he is 3 months shy of his 21st birthday and subject to the zero tolerance policy, charged him with DUI. The Cop also found marijuana residue and a pipe in his truck, so there's a possession charge and a charge for drug paraphernalia. The Cop didn't find insurance verification in his truck, so he wrote a ticket for that too.

And, of course, my bro is out of town and can't deal with it, so I (using bro's money) paid the fines and got Nephew out. His truck is still there. The fines added up to $3,050 + $42 for the privilege of spending the night in Bethany, Oklahoma's new jail.

Like every good coin, this story has two sides. Let's play heads or tails.

HEADS

Nephew was obviously up to no good. Nothing good is going on at 2 AM. He had been drinking and is not 21 yet. The zero tolerance policy exists for a reason. If he wasn't high at the time, he had been. He has been warned, lectured, threatened, taught, and didn't listen. He got caught red handed, and must now face the charges. The last thing any civilized society needs is some dumb-ass 20 year old kid driving around drunk and high. Innocent people die because of this, and the punishment is severe and justified. Nephew knows better than to behave this way, and did it anyway. The cop threw the book at him and should be applauded for his handling of the situation.

TAILS

The test showed his blood alcohol level to be .06. For someone three months older,this would be considered under the limit, and no DUI charge would have been filed. He was drinking, but barely. The pot residue they found was less than a gram, basically insignificant. The cop told him that if he had been 21, there wouldn't be enough here for a ticket. He has insurance but the cop wouldn't let him go find it. Nephew was wrong, but not very wrong, and the aggressive charges are not a result of his actions so much as the result of overenthusiastic law enforcement by a typical small hick town cop, supported by a municipal government that is just as belligerent and parasitic.

So? Heads or Tails? I can go either direction.

Heads is obvious. Nephew lives with me, and it's been a long standing question as to whether I'm helping him get on his feet and establish himself as an adult in society, or whether I'm enabling this kind of behavior that he probably couldn't afford if he had to go get his own apartment, pay utility bills, etc. etc.

On the Tails side, I grew up in Bethany and hate it. I don't even drive through it if I have a choice, and refuse to spend money there. It is a hick town, run by the Nazarenes and Baptists who elect Sally Kern, Oklahoma's consistent national embarrassment, to the state senate over and over. It's a terrible place to live, and the cops there are only different than the thugs because they have badges (I never got cross threaded with them, but they even treat honest, law abiding people badly). As far as I'm concerned, the world would be a better place without Bethany, Oklahoma.

The Truth, as usual, is probably somewhere in the middle.

My question, and I'm fighting being mad over it, is why I have to play heads and tails in this case. I try to live my life in a way that avoids this kind of dilemma. I don't drink and drive, and I know places like Bethany are crawling with government sanctioned thieves called policemen. (If they were real policemen, they'd do something about crime in their city. They pick on 20 year old kids, but real criminals flock to the place like flies to dog shit.)

One of the benefits to living a clean life within the boundaries is not having to ponder situations like this. The whole thing makes me feel dirty and sick. I feel like I have to negotiate or be caught between two perspectives that I can't stand. I find the whole paradigm distasteful, and want to get away from it. And here I am blogging about it.

Another Beautiful Morning

"How can I get paid for this?"

If there is a theme to my blog, and I'm not sure there is or that the overall tenor of my blog represents it, I want that theme to be digging through my days, finding something beautiful, worthy of praise, pure, right, honorable or just something I am proud of and highlight that thing. I love doing this. I wish I could figure out how to get paid for it.

But then it wouldn't be worship, would it?

Anyway, today's winner is (once again) the beautiful beyond description morning hot tub and coffee time I enjoyed so much. The air is cool and wet, the trees and yard are beautiful, the morning sun is both stimulating and extremely peaceful. What a great way to start a day. How does anyone live without a hot tub?

And as I soaked in the hot water and soaked up the beautiful morning, I remembered one of my favorite songs from the distant past:

The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice,
Let the hills sing for joy,
Let the forests lift their hands to Him
And the people hear His voice.

The Lord reigns, let the nations know
He's exalted on cherubim,
Let the earth quake,
For the Lord is great,
He's exalted over them.

Call all the people to praise His name,
To bow down at His footstool and pray.
The holy God and a mighty King
We will hear Him and not turn away.

I love the morning, I love good things, I love beauty and I love God, the source of it all and the one who opens my eyes so I can see it. The ugly shit in life finds its way into my field of vision all by itself. But the beauty in life is so hard for a blind, stupid guy like me to see and perceive. It's so great to have a Guide, a Helper, a Faithful Friend and Teacher. And, oh yeah, he's the absolute sovereign Lord of it all too.

Some people hate Him because they don't know better, Others fear Him terribly (and sometimes rightfully so). I'm excited, proud and thankful.

11th Inning, Grand Slam, Walk Off Home Run

"Ooh! Ooh! I want one! I want one!"

Last night he Texas Rangers prevailed over the Detroit Tigers in game 2 of the ALCS with a home run from Nelson Cruz. He popped one over the left field wall to end the game, in the 11th inning with the bases loaded. The crammed stadium erupted. It was a beautiful sight. He hit the first walk off grand slam home run in post season baseball ever.

There's a story behind it. Cruz has been a fantastic player for a while, and is no stranger to the Home Run Trot. But he spent time on the disabled list earlier this year, and hasn't really been doing much since his return. His batting average was something like .168 since returning from the DL. Saturday night he hit his first home run. Then last night he homered in the 7th to tie the score. The grand slam in the 11th, in addition to making baseball history, says to the whole world that he's back.

Moments like this are what baseball players live for - Major League and Little League players alike. It was cool to watch, I've had a few moments like this in my life in various paradigms. I know its an awesome feeling and a great day for Cruz.

But he didn't load the bases, the rest of the team did that. And, although I didn't see the whole game, I'm pretty sure that Ian Kinsler or Michael Young made a brilliant infield play or two that saved a run and extended the game to the 11th. Baseball is a team sport with plenty of opportunities for each player to shine like Cruz did last night.

Such is life and business and family and about every other important thing. I love being on a team, taking my turn in the bright lights now and then and enjoying my teammates when its their turn too.

It was just a really inspiring thing to watch it all come together last night.

Grate Wall Of Fire

"A roaring fire in the fireplace is the biggest asset winter brings."

I know, it's not winter. This was just a trial run. I love a roaring fire. My preference is a campfire, but I'll take a candle if that's all I can get. I have a fireplace in my house that is the exact thing a fireplace shouldn't be. It's a huge masonry fireplace, 36 inches deep and 30 inches wide. And a traditional fire creates a strong updraft that pulls every bit of heat out of the house and pushes it right up the chimney.

Now what do I do with that? For the past five years, I've only used the fireplace when (like today) it's a little chilly, but not cold enough for the heater. Once the furnace goes on, I forget I have a fireplace and use lots of candles. I've been looking for a better solution, but damn.

A fireplace insert costs $3-6,000, and takes away the whole benefit of a roaring fire from my perspective. I want a heart warming, soothing fire, not a wood stove. I don't have natural gas in my house (thank God), so gas logs aren't an option. Propane logs and a propane tank outside on the back of the fireplace would work, but I can't find anyone to put that all together - and I'm not smart enough.

Well, whether it's a pig in a poke or a sincere solution, I found a company in Connecticut called Grate Wall of Fire who redesigned the fireplace grate to solve exactly my problem. I researched it as much as I could, and found a plethora of college educated morons who listed probably a thousand reasons why this thing wouldn't work but never used it. I found about 3 people who bought it and loved it. I couldn't find anyone who tried it and didn't like it. So I bought one. I love it.

I can't yet comment on whether it helps much with heat, but I can say that last night I enjoyed the most wonderful fire I've had in my fireplace since I moved here. And, other than adding a log to it now and then, I haven't had to touch it since I started it. And the fire, with the ongoing sound of rain coming from the open back door, a glass of wine and Romantic period Piano music playing on Pandora, made for a really great evening.

If this is what I'm in store for this winter, Bring It.

Some People Walk In The Rain, Others Just Get Wet

"The Sooners walked, the Longhorns ?"

OK, So it wasn't raining at the Cotton Bowl yesterday, but the Sooners walked tall. The Longhorn fans walked too - away from the Red River Massacre to the corn dog stands at the Texas State Fair. With one notable, beautiful exception, I love seeing Longhorn fans in dismay. Sometimes it makes me think there is some actual value to football. And we all get to see it again next week when the other Oklahoma team (who are they again?) goes to Austin and gnaws on the carcass. Hey, maybe I could go sell corn dogs in the parking lot.

It didn't rain at the Cotton Bowl, but it rained and rained and rained here - and more is on the way. As for me, I solemnly swear that I will never again bitch about rain. We got exactly what we needed in a soaking, steady rain that lasted for hours. And it was widespread enough such that some parts of the world that have really been suffering from the drought got some real relief.

Sometimes rain is associated with depression. What could describe depression more accurately than the 186th consecutive rainy, gloomy, dreary day? Sometimes rain is associated with total destruction and devastation like Noah's flood. Rain also represents cleansing, providence, the end of hopelessness or the lifting of a siege, unity (rain falls on the just and unjust alike), difficulty (everything is harder to do in the rain) or something to look forward to (the latter rain). In literature and thought, rain represents lots of different things.

Contrast that to a rainbow, which always represents hope and promise fulfilled. Sunshine always represents happiness, life, clarity, etc. The starry sky always represents grandeur, mystery, vast expanse of things left to be discovered and known. Rain represents lots of conflicting emotions and circumstances.

Did I mention that the Sooners only needed the defense to beat the Longhorns yesterday? The three defensive touchdowns were enough to compensate for UT's offensive endeavors. OU would have won 21-17 without any offensive success at all. But we're talking about rain not football.

Clearly, our impressions of rain depend on our perspective. In Christianity, rain represents the presence and anointing of God in our lives, not conceptually or historically, but right here, right now. And yet there is so much resistance to God in our culture, just like some don't like the rain.

I can write books on the benefits God offers. It is easy for me to see the perspective that every Oklahoman feels today about rain. But I don't get the benefits of living life without God any more than I see a benefit to living life without rain. Believing in God is a choice with benefits. Not believing in God is ... what? ... a choice without benefits?

A Tax That Might Actually Be Fair

"Oh No! Obama and Pelosi wanna tax my welfare check!"

There is a certain kind of tax gaining ground (evidently) in Europe that has received a lot of chatter in the U.S. lately from email panic mongers and Obama haters. The tax is a 'financial transaction fee' and has been rolled out as a 1% fee on deposits (income), withdrawals (payments) and intangible transactions (moving money around to avoid income tax).

Basically, the bill wants 2% of every dollar moved in the U.S. economy, including real estate transfers, stock and precious metal transactions, etc.

The idea was originally proposed in 2005 and has never (including this year) made it out of committee in Congress. Folks, it ain't gonna happen. Neither Obama nor Polesi nor anyone else we've ever heard of has anything to do with it. Any discussion about it's potential advantages or drawbacks is entirely esoteric. People with a lot of money obviously hate the concept, and all they have to do to gain overwhelming popular support is point out that welfare recipients, social security recipients and churches will be taxed and the uproar is deafening.

But let's look a little closer at the concept and see if we can find any redeeming value in it.

First, it is a asset based tax and an income based tax. People with more money will disproportionally pay more taxes. The average paycheck to paycheck guy is going to pay 2% (1% when he deposits his paycheck and 1% when he spends it). That sounds awful until you take into account that the fee replaces individual income taxes a detail always omitted by the hate everything email spammers.

Middle class America would pay a little more because they are taxed on money coming in and money going out just like paycheck to paycheck guy. But they are also taxed 2% on credit card purchases (1% to use the credit card and 1% to pay it), House and car payments would increase by 2% too. Transferring money (the asset based part of the tax) from checking to savings or a brokerage account would also incur the 2% tax (1% for taking money out of checking, 1% for the deposit to savings). Finally, they would pay the 2% tax when buying stocks (1% to buy, 1% to sell).

People with a whole lot of assets that move these assets around a lot will pay through the ass. 2% every time they make a financial move of any kind.

Since business don't pay taxes (customers pay taxes), we would see an instant, automatic 2% price increase on everything across the board (which adds to the 2% tax). But we would get rid of income tax altogether. It would be a good trade.

Personally, I'm in. I think that if the fee was implemented without prejudice, exemption, exception or negotiation across the board, and the fee would replace income tax altogether with no possibility of revival ever, it would be a great way to reorganize taxes. The real losers would be the trust fund brats that don't work for their money anyway and financial services companies that are little more than parasites in my opinion.

Cleaning House

"No More Thinking In Circles."

One of my weaknesses in thinking things through is allowing myself to get tangled up in a mental circle jerk. Thinking about A leads to B leads to F leads back to A and the circle continues until I get so dizzy I abandon the process. I decided a few years ago not to allow that to happen anymore. Break the circle (it doesn't go anywhere anyway) at any cost. Just clean house.

So, I'm cleaning house today as follows:

Concerning Boundaries, I think my boundaries in life are fine for now. Yes, they define me to some extent. And they exist on purpose. I'm willing to negotiate their placement or existence but only upon the arrival of some new information or reason to do so. I like who I am, and have no intention of losing myself like I've seen so many others do in the past.

Concerning Goals and Dreams which dictate boundaries, I am content. I generally believe that goals should be feasible and dreams should not be. I think feasibility is one thing that separates goals from dreams. I want what I want, and am not particularly ready to compromise. I'd rather do without. And, outside of the feasibility argument, what I want is good.

Concerning Cynicism, aka "The Shark In The Water", I am again convinced that cynicism has no actual value in the human persona. There is no benefit to questioning someone's motives in life. If their character is not what it appears to be, that will come out over time. But to assume up front that this is the case automatically negates the possibility that things are on the up and up. A cynical attitude is a defensive weapon, but it defends against friend and foe alike, so it's value is zero. The same applies to bitterness, anger, jealousy and other widely acclaimed character traits that I choose not to incubate in my life.

Concerning Indifference, I am a sensitive, passionate person. I am not apathetic or indifferent. I cannot say, "I don't care." Not only is it a lie, in my opinion apathy destroys everything. No relationship of any kind can survive it's attack. Here's what I can say: "I care, but that situation is beyond my reach, outside of my circle." Once a situation is outside of my heliosphere, it doesn't really matter how far outside, in which direction, how fast it is moving or where it is headed. Out is out. That's it.

Concerning Being Good Enough, nobody is good enough. I just want to be.

Concerning Momentum There is a question as to whether Momentum serves me by bringing me closer to my desires or whether it carries me where it decides and I either go willingly or stressfully. I think probably the latter is closer to the truth. Momentum is not my servant. Instead, I am its passenger. At the moment, momentum seems to be taking me farther than I have been in years from all things gay. This saddens me a little, but I also know that I have not found anyplace in the gay world to really land and stake a claim anyway. So even if it takes me away altogether, I haven't suffered any actual loss, only loss of anticipated progress.

Part of the advantage to cleaning house is that I can be more sensitive and responsive to the call and motion of momentum. As such, it's all good and I am content. May the momentum continue and continue to increase.

Battery Is Low - Please Recharge Soon

"Even a cell phone can be a source of wisdom."

I very much need the world to slow down just a little bit for just a little while. Things are awesome, and I'm not complaining.

There's just a little too much going on too fast.

At work, throwing around $20,000 is pretty routine, but yesterday, we sold and delivered $200,000 worth of aircraft engines, bought another airplane, spent $40K on some other junk and shipped parts to three foreign countries. Good business, but can I get a breath in here somewhere?

It seems like that's just how all of life is right now, and I love it. I just need to make sure I don't lose track of anything - especially my nuts.

Most Recent Picture Of My Brain

"This is exactly how my mind works.."

Please don't laugh at me. It hurts when I do that.

Benevolent Indifference

"The opposite of love is not hate. It is apathy."

I am a very passionate person. Attitudes, emotions, belief and perceptions run deep and strong with me. I don't do apathy well. I think the three most destructive words in the English language are, "I don't care".

But I'm trying to learn a new skill recommended by a consensus of my friends. I've named the concept Benevolent Indifference. In other words, a combination of wishing someone well in a generic, impersonal sense without really giving a shit.

The closest picture I can find in my own mind to benevolent indifference is how I feel about the OU Sooners football team. It's almost heresy to say something like this in Oklahoma, but I enjoy the Sooners and wish them well, and I'm on their team when the win. When they lose, oh well. It's just football. It's not like they are doing anything of actual importance. If I had my choice, they'd win all the time. But if they don't, my life goes on unaffected.

I have been told that I should think this way about people and situations that are associated with traumatic or negative events in my past without prejudice as to why those associations exist or what should have happened instead. They say I should do so with an intentional detachment from the people and situations just as I am emotionally detached from the outcome of a damn football game.

"Yeah, but..." says I, "Football really isn't important to me. The 13 years I spent trying to build a successful software business is fundamentally different. It is close to me, and I invested much of who I am in it."

And I realize they are more right than I am. My old business, my old church, my old arch type are all now outside of my circle of influence and for the most part outside of my field of vision. Their fate is in their own hands, and I have long ago released them to their choices and whatever destiny develops because of those choices. But I haven't really detached myself in the same way I am detached from some football team.

I don't have much of a traumatic past to detach from - not nearly as much as others whose stories I know. But I'll give it a try.

Anything is better than cynicism.

What Is The Gospel Anyway?

"The sheep will know the Master's voice."

I've written a little about the fact that I'm not an evangelist. I have done some marketing in my day, but never in a way that asked someone to buy something they don't need or won't benefit from. I can't sell medical billing software to a tanning salon, but I do (well, did) have a knack for showing a medical office how my software can help them accomplish their goals and mandates, and do it cost effectively, and that I'm the right guy to help with that process.

I was totally bored at church yesterday, and my thoughts wandered around how Christianity is marketed the world over. I'd like to say it is always well intentioned, like I sold medical software, I'd like to say that whatever weirdness is found in Christian evangelistic circles is at least passionate insanity, not filled with hidden agendas or ulterior motives. A dumb-ass in Jesus' name is still just a dumb-ass.

Overall, I don't think much of marketing Christ anyway. I think that the relationship between Christ and his people is more like my attraction to smart, pretty guys with a plan and a vision. I don't think any amount of marketing will make me pay for something I don't want to buy. In the past, the Church has resorted to coercion, intimidation and corruption to get converts to Christ. I think this is not only counter intuitive and immoral, it's totally ineffective.

As a Christian, my role is to live my life openly, in a way that others can see how I think, act, react and make decisions, not stand on a street corner yelling at people to repent or face certain doom. Some people will look closer than others, and some will be attracted to the impact of Christ in my life and some will be repulsed. It doesn't really change me or how I should present myself - and Christ in me. Sometimes, I do this well. And it's hard so I'm allowed to make mistakes.

So yesterday, I wondered how I would present Christ. I've seen how others do it. Baptists contend that all men are evil and only Christ can save us from the ultimate consequences of that evil. In Central America and other places where people are oppressed by political and economic conditions, Christ is Liberator. In people groups victimized by social injustice, Christ is Healer of the damage caused to us individually and Advocate in the culture overall. To the poor, he is Provider. To the weak, he is Mighty Shield. And all of these are basically true, and each of these is subject to error and fraud by the presenters.

So, just because I have a blog and just because I find the subject interesting at present and just because I've never really done it before, I'm going to give this presentation of Christ thing a try from my perspective. I'm not really going to try to sell him to anyone, just to present what I see in Christianity and in the character of Christ that I think makes the Christian story irresistible and valuable.

People who know me already know that the discussion is going to revolve around destiny, significance, intention, purpose, preparation and each human being's intrinsic value in a universal and eternal context. Hopefully, most will already know that my presentation will not involve judgment or condemnation, although Christ is (in my opinion) the exact polar opposite of life in the Abyss where nothing matters except my good time tonight.

It may take me a few days to pull my thoughts together around this subject, but stay tuned for the Gospel According To Mr. Happy. I'm going to give it a shot.

An Apology and Good News

"There's nothing better than the perspective of a good friend."

The good news is that my one good friend I've managed to develop this year is NOT moving out of state. Great for me. He seems OK with it too. We met for coffee this morning and talked for a while. Good Times.

It is my opinion, and that of all of my friends, that I reacted badly to Dave's comments last month. Cynicism is never the right response to anything, at least not the right first response. I know for me it is, and always has been, a defense mechanism. It is only appropriate to defend oneself in the presence of an actual threat. In this case, there was none, and the premise may even have been a compliment.

So Dave, please accept my apology for my cynical response to your adding my blog to your blogroll. It's obvious to me and others that I still care deeply about you. My cynicism was only trying to put distance between me and my residual feelings about you and the past.

A more carefully thought out response would have been a simple, "Thank You", and an expression of my very genuine and deep seated hope that you are able to overcome your own obstacles and find happiness, fulfillment and peace in life. I wish you well.

A Football Story

"I don't need to review my goals and dreams again. I know them by heart."

This story is appropriate on several levels. First, it goes directly to the Boundaries, Obstacles, Goals and Dreams discussion I've been having with myself. Second, it's about the best conversation I've had with nephew #3 of Six in quite some time. And finally, today begins the anticipation that even I enjoy leading to the almost pagan indulgence of the slaughter of Bevo next Saturday. The meat doesn't appear to be very good this year, but the ritualistic devouring of it should be as much fun as it always is. I can almost smell the cremated flesh of that tired old bull even now.

Friday, I enjoyed another beautiful morning, got ready for work and my nephew woke up. We had a cup of coffee together on my back porch. He is trying to get things together to go spend some time in Nicaragua next year and it isn't all falling in place the way he thinks it should.

I told him I sensed a lot of indecision and being wishy-washy, not committing himself to a direction but still expecting everything to come together. I told him that doesn't work. I used the analogy of a football game. Until the play is called and the ball is set, nothing will happen. The players sometimes just stand around out there and look at each other. Nothing can happen until the decision is made, the play is called and the offense takes its place to execute it.

The whole universe works that way. This is why flaky, wishy-washy people always feel like they're in a fog. They really are. The whole universe stands around doing nothing until they take a stand. I told Nephew that it was time for him to make a decision and take a stand, and that the whole universe could then take its place. Some of it will line up with him, as if on offense. He'll have an offensive line, a backfield and a host of assets to help him achieve what he sets out to do.

Some of the universe will line up against him, just like a defense on a football field. And then it's, "Game On." I told him there wasn't a right or wrong play to call, just make the call. Choose a direction and take off with enthusiasm, passion and hope. Then look around to see who is with him and who is against him.

It was a good talk, and there was obviously a lot more to it than the outline above. After we finished, I went to work and realized I was talking to myself as much as I was talking to Nephew.

I don't need to review my goals and dreams again. I've done that a million times. I want to be in a committed relationship with a quality guy that I love and am good enough for. I want that relationship and all of the good things that happen because of it to be an inspiration and help to others who think the gay ghetto is the way things should be for us. I want that relationship to be proof to the Christian world that gay is not inherently evil, just as I saw in my arch type these many years ago. I want good things, things worthy of protecting and being proud of.

But where the hell is my offensive line? My backfield? Where are the assets that should help me attain and realize my goals? Even my arch type gave up on the concept. The gay, straight and Christian world seem to pretty much agree on this much: I'm living in a fantasy world that will never exist in the real world. My dream is to prove them wrong.

Ready....Break.

Can We Please Have Another September?

"It's been by far the best weather of the year."

It's already time to say good-bye to September. If I had my way, we'd just have another one or two months like this back to back. The weather has been beautiful, and I've had a great month. The Fair was in town and that was a blast, I've gotten to ride my bike a little when the weather is just right and the wind isn't blowing (rare conditions indeed for Oklahoma), no trauma or drama at work - just lots of it (and that's a good thing) and I had visitors from another planet to my blog. They've pretty much all flittered away by now, but it was interesting to have guests.

My thoughts on boundaries and obstacles continue. Clearly, the difference between the two is dependent on one's goals and dreams in life. If my goal is to be a really good gay guy, many of my boundaries should be treated as obstacles and overrun with passion. If my goal is to be a Godly man, and a source and reflector of good things, the boundaries vs. obstacles equation changes. This combined with the overview of ten years without a closet (that I wrote over a period of weeks but decided not to share) leads to some inescapable conclusions that I don't want to hear.

So I guess I'll start October reviewing my goals and dreams, take a deep breath and make the hard decision to go where they lead me. But not today. Overall I'm pretty tired of carrying around the Oxymoron, trying to reconcile two different paradigms when I don't fit into either one. Right now, I'm about a millimeter from throwing them both into the bottom of Lake Eufaula, and just being myself - the enigma that I've been my whole life - Good, but Not Good Enough.

But this is the year for Momentum. And, like the tide and the calender, momentum waits for no one. September was great, and it's over. We'll see what October brings. So far, it's shaping up to be a relatively sane month. We'll see what it has in store.

Let The Price Wars Begin!

"Amazon announced an Android based tablet that looks pretty damn good for $199."

There's an interesting situation going on in the global economy that deserves watching. China and other Asian countries keep sending us cheap, low quality knock-off versions of stuff. And we keep sending them worthless pieces of paper with pictures of dead presidents on them. Somebody's getting screwed here, but nobody can figure out who.

I've been watching the tablet computer market for a while now. Being a first generation IPod owner, I'm not afraid of buying new things, if the benefit is worth the cost. We haven't achieved the benefit/cost point yet as far as I'm concerned, but we're getting there. I have a unique problem in that I can't see the screen if it's too small. Smartphones are totally useless to me.

I looked hard at the Nook Color, and was less than impressed. My current favorite iis the ASUS Eee Transformer. I can see myself using one. Since it has a 10.1" screen, I can almost read it. Seems like it does everything the IPad does on a bigger screen and costs less. Target ran a one day special on them at $299 on Monday. It was over before I found out about it.

Now comes the Kindle Fire, which actually offers a lot of cool integration with Amazon's digital library of everything, a way to store and backup data on the Internet that is actually integrated into the device and some other cool features. At $300 less than an entry level IPad, it just might give Apple a run for its money as well as force everyone to lower the prices to be competitive. But, alas, the 7" screen is too small for me. (Plus, I think Amazon is really trying to make tablet computer that works well and is a continuing revenue source for them. I sense a little bit of a conflict of interest there. )

But Christmas is coming, and tablet PC's are on about everyone's shopping list as far as I can tell.. What we need now is a good old fashioned price war. Who wants my business most? It'll be fun to see who wins.

The Day I Was Good Enough

"Too Much History."

I met a friend at a bar on N. Portland Ave. last night. The unique thing about the bar is that the front door is 35 ft from where I spent around four years working for the Business Products Division of Tandy Corp. circa 1985. This is where I got my start in the business computing world and accounting. I answered tech support calls, wrote data bases for specific client applications, provided marketing support to sales, blah, blah.

It was cool to be back over there last night, and I couldn't help but think about those days for a few minutes. And whenever I think of those days, one of those days in particular always comes back to me. It is the day I was good enough.

There is plenty of evidence and no shortage of people in my life to document with some degree of certainty that I'm not good enough - no matter how good I am. Note that I didn't say. "I'm no good." I know better than that. I'm just not good enough.

But on this certain day, I answered one of about 40 tech support calls I was destined to answer that day. It was from the El Paso Computer Center, and I talked some girl through fixing a problem with her customer's accounting software. The call took about four minutes. I let her tell me what was wrong, walked her through fixing it (ignoring her as she told me what I was doing wouldn't work), had her test it and listened to her almost yell, "It Works!, It Worked! You Fixed It."

The Center Manager grabbed the phone out of her hands and proceeded to thank me profusely. It was a good day. Someone actually said, "Thank You." I went on to the next call, and the one or two more after that.

The next thing I know, my boss is standing at my desk, white as a ghost. "What did you do? The National Training and Support Manager from Ft Worth is on the phone and wants to talk to you. You must be in big trouble. What did you do and why didn't you tell me?"

I had no idea what I had done, or why God's own second in command would call me. I answered the call. "How did you fix it?" (No introduction, no clues given as to what 'it' was.) I asked what we were talking about, having no idea that it was about the call from El Paso.

The guy on the phone was irritated. He assumed I knew that a whole bunch of people had been working on this problem for weeks unsuccessfully. For this call, he had assembled four department heads from the Ivory Towers of the Corporate Offices. He interrogated me for 20 minutes about how I solved that problem, and was cranky and intense the whole time. Me? I just answered the call and made the problem go away, like I did almost every call. I didn't think anything through or document my thought process.

But I did conquer the problem. That day I was good enough. And they knew it at the highest levels of the national office. That day, I was a hero and a stud and a genius, and didn't even know it.

It's good to have days like that easily accessible in one's mind. They make good medicine for the really shitty days when nothing goes right. I have several, maybe even a lot of those days I can relive whenever [fill in the blank] is telling me I'm not good enough...again.

And it was good to relive a few bright moments from my 20's, even if it is ancient history.

One other tidbit of history, just for fun. On that very same spot of Earth, some 60 years ago,  before the story above happened, before there were paved roads or buildings there, my dad worked at Boots & Saddles Riding Academy getting horses ready to ride and taking care of them when the rides were over. That's kind of cool too.

What Would A World Without Money Look Like?

"Time and money are as inseparable as time and space."

Not long ago, I pondered what a world without debt would look like. I was discussing it with a friend who has thought I'm an idiot since we were in sixth grade, and he said my fantasy makes no sense because there is no tangible economic difference between cash and debt. Take away the debt, all you do is reduce the money supply causing further damage to the economy.

So together we explored the question, "What would the world look like without money?" How would we buy gas or groceries? We've long passed the time when people could live off the land, hunt for food, etc.And, although debt is a relatively new arrival, at least to the extent we do in the U.S., money has been around in one form or another since forever.

So we thought about it and came up with the following scenario. There is now no money. If you need groceries, you might go to the grocery store and ask for some food. The grocer might say something like, "OK. I have lots of food, and you can have some. But first, go do something that helps someone else or makes their life better. Have them write you a note: a certificate, if you will, documenting what you did that helped them. Bring the certificate back and I'll tell you how much food I'll give you for it."

The guys that have gasoline do the same thing. "Go do something good in the world, bring me back some certification that you actually did so, and I'll do something good for you." Even the guy that has beer makes you go demonstrate that you have contributed something to the world around you before he will give you any.

Every time you make a positive difference for other people in the world, they would write you a certificate - saying good things about you if you did something good and great things about you if you did something great. You could therefore get the food, gas and beer that you want and need just by handing over these certificates written by people that benefited from your efforts.

What would these certificates be called? Why not call them 'Dollars'?

Isn't this what earning money is supposed to be about? Doing something beneficial, or making some positive contribution of time, effort, skill or resources to the world around you?

One of the biggest problems we have in the American economy is that people have forgotten what money is. Money represents your relative value to the world at large. It represents your contribution and your role in making the world better for everyone.

Nobody is entitled to money, yet we have a plethora of people who think they are. And a whole bunch more that think they should receive maximum reward for minimal effort. People try to take more than they give, and think themselves smart. Even if they pull it off, the economy as a whole suffers from their fraud.

I think of the waiter who is too busy flirting with the waitress in the next section, who is ignoring her customers as well, to refill my drink as I choke on my food. And he's insulted when I don't tip 20-25%? The contractor who does shoddy work but expects to be paid in full because he has a 'contract'. The government that sucks so much money out of the economy that will never accomplish any positive purpose. These kinds of things will seriously damage even the most robust, innovative and booming economies.

Until we remember and respect the value of money and its function in our world, all of the economic wisdom known to man isn't going to make our economy work right, and it won't matter which moron we call President.

Boundaries and Yeses

"Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord.."

I don't think that in all my 48 years living in Oklahoma there has been a more beautiful weekend. The weather was perfect. I want to formally place my order for about a zillion more weekends like this one. It was a little too cold to enjoy the boat, and there is still a burn ban, so we didn't go to the lake. I got to stay home, enjoy a couple of football games, do some stuff outside, relax and drink in the beautiful weather.

But by the time we decided to stay home, I had already pulled out the boundaries story from my past. Damn, I was a smart guy in 1997. Maybe I need to go spend some time with that guy summore. The concepts in that post, that came alive to me that day at the lake so long ago really helped me process events that were going on in my life at that time, but are also strangely relevant to my life now, 14 long years later.

Specifically, the concept that boundaries and what happens within them define and validate us, contrasts and compares nicely to the theme of my year this year, which is "Momentum. May the momentum continue and continue to increase."

A thousand thoughts and questions jumped up to be heard and decided. Things like:

Boundaries should be respected. Obstacles should be obliterated.
How do you know the difference between a boundary and an obstacle?
How are obstacles defeated in ways that affirm our character without diluting it?
How can I experience the breakthroughs Momentum promises in the context of nonnegotiable things I learned to acclaim forever ago in my life?

Obviously, there is a lot more to be said than will fit in this post. I'm not saying that I''m overwhelmed with it all. On the contrary, I'm luvin' it. But the thoughts are going too fast in too many directions to make for good blogging.

And as if that weren't enough, like two rivers converging, the thoughts above are mingling with another event that I haven't yet started blogging about. My coming out process happened between June and December, 2001, basically exactly 10 years ago. I have been thinking a lot about the process and outcome of that time in my life...the good, the bad and that which smells good and tastes bad.

I've written a lot about those times that I've decided not to post. Not everything about me needs to be thrown out there on the internet for everyone else to pick through. But I am really enjoying the activity just now. Like identifying the various flavors on a pizza, and experiencing the taste overall, I am having a great time at present experiencing my past and present all at once, all taken together. We'll see where it goes from here.

Boundaries

"Life is about what happens between the boundaries, not what's outside of them."

Way back in 1997, long before I ever began exploring the gay world, so long ago that it almost seems like another lifetime, I had probably the most significant, impacting conversation with Lake Eufaula I have ever had. The conversation and discussion that follows was very relevant at the time and has helped me stay sane during some pretty crazy times on the past few years. The conversation was about boundaries.

I slept late one morning, and by the time I walked out to say "good morning" to the lake, the wind was already blowing, the lake was churning and noisy and waves were hitting the beach constantly. The lake won't talk to me when it's like that. It has its hands full and is too busy to chit chat.

That evening before sunset, the wind died down and the lake settled down with it. I asked the lake if it was OK, and in the mood to talk, and it was. I asked it about all of those waves and all of the energy that was basically wasted as the lake tried to move the beach. "Isn't it just a little bit futile to waste all of that effort trying to move a boundary that isn't going to move?"

"The boundaries you speak of define me," the Lake said. "If those boundaries move, if the dam breaks and that boundary is taken away, I am no longer a Lake at all. I don't despise the boundaries or rebel against them, I count on them as one of the sources of my identity and image. Lakes have energy all the time, just like people. The energy hits the boundaries and dissipates, as it should. The same thing happens in people.."

I said, "Ah, so when my energy pushes against the boundaries in my life, (we call that temptation in Christian circles, BTW) I don't need to feel guilty or ashamed of that. I just need to trust the boundaries. Because the boundaries define me. They establish and validate my character for all to see. Is that what you're getting at? That's cool."

"That is how lakes work," said the Lake. "But there is another level to this discussion where people are concerned. If my boundaries disappear, it's a given that I disappear with them. What about you? If your boundaries are removed, are you still Mr. Happy? Will you be someone else? Will you disappear?"

And I realized that for men, the real test that establishes and validates our character is when the dam breaks and the boundaries are removed. If the boundaries ever had any real meaning or impact, I would not flow downstream and disappear like the water in a lake. I would maintain my identity and image even without the boundaries.

I thought of some people who I knew had failed that test. I had a friend in high school that went to college for one semester. His boundaries were taken away, and has not been sober since - not to this very day. I thought of my good friend who I loved dearly and spent much time with in 1996. He left for a few months and came back. His boundaries were gone. He was a different person, and not my friend at all. As I recall, he wouldn't have much of anything to do with me. A few years later, I would work hard to help another friend keep his identity when the dam in his life broke - and fail.

Also, later in life I would learn about boundaries that had been there forever, but maybe shouldn't be. I realized that I have the ability and even the responsibility to remove these boundaries and let myself explore other areas of life - on purpose, within the parameters of my character and who I want to be.

Over the years, more and more, I have become someone who respects the boundaries I have allowed to remain in my life. Once we get there, the boundaries don't matter anymore. I would be (I am) just the same person without them.

Call Of Duty

"Two little league football games and Sr day at the fair? I need a drink."

My bro and I flipped for it, so I took Mom to the Fair on Senior day. There weren't that many people down there, but the ones that were moved in slow motion. Except, of course, for those who had their electric carts. It took forever to get anywhere because the whole place was moving so slow. I handled it better than my bro. I took a deep breath and slowed down with everyone else, half sleeping through the experience. My bro would have been a blithering idiot by the end of our time there.

I already had my fair time last weekend, so Wednesday was all about mom. Mom and I had a great time. She bought some stuff that will probably show up again around Christmas. Moms are cool. Mine's getting older. It's time to start cherishing the good times. They aren't going to last forever.

I made it to two little league football games as well this week - got 'em both in on the same night too.  I was actually impressed that a bunch of six year olds could actually run a variety of plays and make it look like they know what they're doing. They're learning a lot, these guys. They're learning about football, teamwork, strategy, competition, and the concept that if they don't stand in there and take their ground, they're gonna get run over. And they don't even know it. They're just having fun. Anyway, I made sure both of my nephews knew I was at their games. I did my uncle's duty on a beautiful night and had a great time.

But last night, I needed a drink. I went to the Park and said 'hello' to the bartender. I had my usual shot of Crown and two MGD's, and enjoyed some music vidios from Muscle Beach. I think there were eight people in the bar total. I used to really enjoy going out on Thursdays because the crowd was good but smaller and less intense then Fridays or Saturdays. Last night was a little too small and not quite intense enough. Oh well, I enjoyed the drinks and slept really good.

I'm writing a purchase agreement to sell two engines as I finish this. I'm so far behind at work I haven't even started the end of month chores for August, and now September is practically over. [sigh]

And I'm headed for the lake this weekend. Looks like the whole fam damnily is going, so I probably won't get any reading in, but some good guitar time around a campfire sounds great. I wonder if the burn ban is still on? Anyway, if I have time to transcribe one from my paper journals, I might just entertain you with another 'conversation with the lake' while I'm gone. I've enjoyed revisiting those this summer.

Are there any football games this weekend?

If "It Gets Better", What Went Wrong?

"In memory of Jamey Rodemeyer."

"I'm not sure which is more astonishing: the magnitude of torment human beings can endure, or the enthusiasm with which they inflict it."

Jamey is the latest in a rash of teenage kids who committed suicide because of relentless and intense bullying by their peers. Jamey in particular contributed a video to itgetsbetter.org, an anti-bullying outreach designed to draw attention to the problems of gay teens being harassed to the point that they were killing themselves. For him, it evidently didn't get better. I have seen the video and read a little about itgetsbetter.org.

Other than that, I don't know Jamey's story, But this whole bullying/harassment thing isn't all that new. Gay bashing has been a hobby among the straight redneck crowd at least as long as I've been coherent, and probably a lot longer. It was an unofficial sport when I was in high school.

We think this should get better because people should stop being so cruel. We think people should accept us and not discriminate against us because it's the right thing to do. We think we have the right to be gay, just as others have the right to be straight. We think we should be respected and allowed to be who we are without reprisal because this is America, and it is what America stands for. We think the straight world should get over it, and stop thinking of us any differently that they think of any other distinctive people group or subculture.

Gay Advocacy groups push this thinking farther. The discrimination and harassment has to stop. If not because it's immoral, then because it's the law. If not because it's the right thing to do, then because it's the only option. If not because it's inherently wrong, then because of our rights under the Constitution.

And we're right to expect this to change. The Activists are right to push the point legislatively and in other ways.

And to some extent it is changing. DADT is finished. People are changing. People are beginning to realize that the gay community is just another part of the whole of society, and we're just people doing what we know to do to succeed in life. People are beginning to realize that homosexuality is not an invading army bent on destroying society. The change is good.

But this kind of change is slow and not without resistance. It's also not without martyrs like Jamey.

I can basically already write the news articles about the backlash against some on the leading edge of 'serving openly' in the military. Somebody is going to take that freedom to the extreme and get stomped. Somebody is going to resent the change and use the first opportunity they can to lash out against one of us. It's a done deal, whether the story has been written yet or not.

From this perspective, It Gets Better and Jamey's death is just a small step forward in that journey.

But I think there's a better way to facilitate the change is society that we seek and deserve.

I think it's up to us to make sure people see us as men and women, not fags and dykes. I think we do this by being better at our jobs, by contributing more than our fair share to making the world around us a better place, by being good friends and good people first and gay second, by showing the world what we're capable of as humans not who we're having sex with.

I think it is a huge mistake to establish our identity within society at large by our sexuality. I think we have to establish our identity as people worthy of respect and deserving of acceptance. Then if and when they find out we're gay, at least there will be a ton of undeniable evidence that we're not evil.

I think that as long as 'Gay' is associated with ''Sodom and Gomorrah" in the minds of mainstream society, we're screwed. The activists are just making noise and people like Jamey pay the price.

I think that once the rest of the world realizes that we don't want to live in Sodom and Gomorrah, or bring that to their neighborhoods, schools, government and workplaces, the change that needs to happen will happen quickly.

Now, if only I could convince the gay world to actually want something better than Sodom and Gomorrah have to offer. That's the real challenge here.

Welcome, O Visitor From Dave's World. I Mean You No Harm

"Ich spreche kein barfly"

I am intrigued that Dave would read much of my blog. Dave I and met 10 years ago and I really enjoyed knowing him back in the day. At one time I had a great deal of respect for him but then some Indian squaw friend of his named Three Horses came along and stole it. He knows me really well but I evidently know nothing about him. It seems like quite a long trip from calling me names and making fun of me on his blog to actually almost recommending mine to others. I sense a joke that I don't get in there somewhere, but I'll play along.

So, let me show you around a little.

I am gay in that I'm sexually attracted to nice looking men. But that's about all I have in common with the gay world. The intrinsic association of 'gay' with emotional, psychological and sexual abuse and self abuse as well as the booze, drugs and disconnect from real life and relationships that go with it is a paradigm I don't understand very well. I consider it tragically sad, which are the two words that encapsulate Dave to me. I have seen his potential, his passion and his impact with my own eyes at close range, in the midst of hard times in his own life. I loved him for it. He says he has changed, but I don't believe him. An eagle cannot become a frog.

Lest my comments sound judgmental in the least, I am nobody's judge except my own, [please note the period at the end of that sentence. Those are important in my writing.] Life is about choices, and each of is responsible for making our own.

I learned to love deeply, intimately, intentionally and effectively long before I knew anything about sex. I dream of being in a relationship with someone else like that.

I am a Christian. Christianity is a very important part of my life even to the extent that I chose it over being gay when I thought the two were mutually exclusive. Ironically, Dave was singularly and personally responsible for me being able to outgrow the oxymoron.

But fear not, O Visitor from Dave's World. I do not consider it my job to save your soul or ram anything down your throat. I sold medical billing software for many years, but I never tried to sell it to a construction company. I am now in the aviation parts industry and spend exactly zero time marketing aircraft parts to tanning salons. I understand that Christianity is not for everybody, just like not everybody is gay.

On the other hand, this is my blog, and the Christian worldview and way of thinking play heavily into my thoughts, my life and by definition my blog. Enjoy what you can and ignore the rest. I respect your choices, please respect mine.

And if anyone trips over this who is struggling with the oxymoron or lost in the conundrum, I'm Your Man. I can help. I understand the issues deeply and intimately, and you don't have to sacrifice your relationship with the Eternal God for the temporal needs and desires of this mortal life - or the other way around. God created us, knows us and loves us. If I can help make that concept more real to you, jump on in here.

Well, Visitor, if you made it thus far, you probably belong here. Welcome, and make yourself at home. I wonder if Dave made it this far? If so, I still don't get the joke. But thanks for the plug, and for your impact in my life these many years ago. I appreciate it more than you can know.

What's My Fair Share?

"Taxes are inevitable, but they're always unfair."

Some time ago, I wrote a post about taxes. That post was about how Businesses Don't Pay Taxes, Customers Pay Taxes, and my point was about how much to tax those big bad oil companies. Considering that people all over the world pay so much in taxes, we're really idiots about the whole subject.

President Obama, borrowing a line from Bill Clinton in years past, says everyone needs to pay 'their fair share'. Isn't it amazing that ''their fair share' ends up meaning exactly whatever he wants them to pay?

So I got to thinking about my fair share. I wonder what that is? I already know that it's bogus to tax businesses. All that does is raise prices on the business' customers, which eventually means me (and you). So what is my fair share, your fair share and his fair share, and how can we tax everyone fairly?

To start, we have to look at different kinds of taxes. I think there are five. They are,

Income Taxes. A portion of the value each of us earns each year. Like payroll taxes.
Consumption Taxes. A portion of the value each of us spends each year. Like sales tax.
Asset Based Taxes. A portion of the wealth we have accumulated. Like property taxes.
Fee Based Taxes. Fees for services rendered. Like toll charges or drivers' license fees.
Fuck You Taxes. Taxes of opportunity. Like a traffic ticket for floating through a stop sign that shouldn't be there in the first place, or the tobacco and booze taxes.

Which of these types of taxes are fair? The answer is, "None Of The Above".

Since taxes aren't fair to start with, I think we should quit thinking in those terms. I think we should consider an asset based tax system to the exclusion of all other types of taxes. An asset based tax system would ensure that people who don't have anything would not pay taxes. The cost of the government would be borne by people who have much.

Hmmm. Then we could call those who pay taxes 'Nobility' and people who don't pay taxes 'Peasants'. Since the Nobility pays the bill, they should call the shots too, right? It''s only fair, isn't it? And those who don't pay taxes should show their respect to those who do, shouldn't they? Then we could have a revolution. A peasant uprising, like the French did in the late 1700's. I wonder if anyone still makes a good guillotine?

How about instead, we have a much smaller, less intrusive, less expensive government? Doesn't that sound a whole lot better?

Monday Morning Meditation

"It seems appropriate since I missed church yesterday - again. Join me if you like."

Light of the world you stepped down into darkness, opened my eyes, let me see beauty that made this heart adore you; hope for a life spent with you.

So here I am to worship.

Lord, my life and my existence have but one purpose, and that is to worship you. With my thoughts this morning, and the words of my mouth, but also with every activity, task, action, reaction and decision, I want and need to walk out that singular purpose today. Apart from that purpose, life has no meaning. But inside of that purpose, every event of life is an opportunity to worship you, and absorb and reflect your love and goodness into the world around me as the moon reflects sunlight. To the extent that I have free will and freedom of choice, I choose to live my life this way. Teach me how and I will learn. Show me how and I will know. Lead me and I will follow.

Here I am to bow down.

I bow down to you not in unconditional submission, but in absolute trust. I do not cower before you as one who fears your wrath or retribution, but I bow down to you as one who is committed to knowing you, walking with you, learning from you and being like you. From this perspective, I know that my mind is renewed and transformed in such a way that I begin to know what your will is. The more I know, the more I trust. The more I trust, the more I bow down.

Here I am to say that you're my God.

If I say you are God, I say you are the creator, father, ruler and judge of everything and everyone. If I say you are 'my God', I say that you are the axis around which my world revolves and the center of my universe. This morning I say that you are my God; the objective of my life's quest, the destination of my journey and the fulfillment of my desires. You are my God, and there is no other.

You're altogether lovely,

As dolphins get to swim in the ocean and eagles get to soar high above, so am I immersed in and surrounded by you. Everything about you is good and beautiful. The earth you created, the relationship you establish with those who worship you and everything with which you have to do is indeed lovely. It is not a chore or burden to follow you, it is my joy, my happiness, I am honored and excited to live in your context and build my life around your character and purpose for me.

Altogether worthy,

It is right and good that you are God, for you have earned that title by all that you are and all that you have done. There is no God like you in the heavens, there is no God like you in the earth. You have kept your covenant and showed mercy when you didn't have to, and reached out to men who hated you. It is not just your power and position that make you worthy of being God, it is also your choices and your sacrifice. You have earned that to which you were already entitled,

Altogether wonderful to me.

I am excited and thankful and enthusiastic about knowing you, following you and worshiping you. You really are wonderful, and your impact on my life and the universe at large is also wonderful. I am proud of you, and proud to be associated with you. I'll probably never fully understand the depth and effort involved in your creation of the paradigm in which I can relate to you, but I understand it enough to very much appreciate it, and enough to respect it with my whole heart.

OK, here we go...

The Fair Was Fairly Fair

"I consumed more calories yesterday than some in third world countries get in three months."

We are such creatures of habit. I walked in to the State Fair of Oklahoma looking for the very first place that sells corn dogs. Why are they so much better at the Fair than any other place? Anyway, a whole lot of people do that too. The guy that owns the corn dog stand closest to the gate is either really lucky or really smart. I didn't have to walk far.

Before I left the Fair, I had more corn dogs, a beef wellington, some pizza, a Tiger's Blood sno cone, a caramel apple with nuts, some fried oreos, and some other suff. I wanted to try the fried ravioli, but didn't get around to it. I did get some fried mozzarella cheese on a stick with jalapeno batter. That was the best junk food of the day.

I bought a new pocket knife (so my bro can borrow and lose it like the last three) and that's it. But I walked through all of the buildings and gawked at all of the people.

One really cute guy was selling this deal you stand on and it vibrates real fast and he says it's like walking two miles up hill in the snow, and if I buy the thing I'll be really skinny in three weeks flat by just standing there. Part of the show was him demonstrating how to use the machine if you have back problems, and he bent over the thing just right, and butt vibrated just right and all of a sudden several other people had back problems so he had to do that part a few more times. I think I won't buy the machinne, but I'd have thrown a buck in his tip jar.

I walked through the midway a couple of times laughing at the drunks throwing balls trying to knock down the four bottles stacked together. Often they missed all four and didn't hit anything. "Need a player, Need a winner" barked one of the guys selling that game. I told him he really just needed summore drunk guys trying to impress their drunk girlfriends.

But overall, it was an absolutely beautiful day for the Fair. It was packed. There were all different kinds of people, all ages, sizes and fashion tastes. Everybody was having fun and enjoying being there. There were a zillion and forty two thirty something year old guys walking around with a girl and kid or two in tow. A lot of them were really pretty. It just seemed like the place was packed with good folks enjoying the day and their families, and loving life. I was happy to be down there and be a part of it.

I watched OU score their first touchdown against Florida State, then saw the weather radar and decided I should find my way home. Driving at night in a thunderstorm is one activity my eyes make me avoid. I made it to mom's about three minutes before the rain hit. We watched the OU game, then checked in on the Pokes. I remember yawning before I fell asleep.