"Life is about what happens between the boundaries, not what's outside of them."
Way back in 1997, long before I ever began exploring the gay world, so long ago that it almost seems like another lifetime, I had probably the most significant, impacting conversation with Lake Eufaula I have ever had. The conversation and discussion that follows was very relevant at the time and has helped me stay sane during some pretty crazy times on the past few years. The conversation was about boundaries.
I slept late one morning, and by the time I walked out to say "good morning" to the lake, the wind was already blowing, the lake was churning and noisy and waves were hitting the beach constantly. The lake won't talk to me when it's like that. It has its hands full and is too busy to chit chat.
That evening before sunset, the wind died down and the lake settled down with it. I asked the lake if it was OK, and in the mood to talk, and it was. I asked it about all of those waves and all of the energy that was basically wasted as the lake tried to move the beach. "Isn't it just a little bit futile to waste all of that effort trying to move a boundary that isn't going to move?"
"The boundaries you speak of define me," the Lake said. "If those boundaries move, if the dam breaks and that boundary is taken away, I am no longer a Lake at all. I don't despise the boundaries or rebel against them, I count on them as one of the sources of my identity and image. Lakes have energy all the time, just like people. The energy hits the boundaries and dissipates, as it should. The same thing happens in people.."
I said, "Ah, so when my energy pushes against the boundaries in my life, (we call that temptation in Christian circles, BTW) I don't need to feel guilty or ashamed of that. I just need to trust the boundaries. Because the boundaries define me. They establish and validate my character for all to see. Is that what you're getting at? That's cool."
"That is how lakes work," said the Lake. "But there is another level to this discussion where people are concerned. If my boundaries disappear, it's a given that I disappear with them. What about you? If your boundaries are removed, are you still Mr. Happy? Will you be someone else? Will you disappear?"
And I realized that for men, the real test that establishes and validates our character is when the dam breaks and the boundaries are removed. If the boundaries ever had any real meaning or impact, I would not flow downstream and disappear like the water in a lake. I would maintain my identity and image even without the boundaries.
I thought of some people who I knew had failed that test. I had a friend in high school that went to college for one semester. His boundaries were taken away, and has not been sober since - not to this very day. I thought of my good friend who I loved dearly and spent much time with in 1996. He left for a few months and came back. His boundaries were gone. He was a different person, and not my friend at all. As I recall, he wouldn't have much of anything to do with me. A few years later, I would work hard to help another friend keep his identity when the dam in his life broke - and fail.
Also, later in life I would learn about boundaries that had been there forever, but maybe shouldn't be. I realized that I have the ability and even the responsibility to remove these boundaries and let myself explore other areas of life - on purpose, within the parameters of my character and who I want to be.
Over the years, more and more, I have become someone who respects the boundaries I have allowed to remain in my life. Once we get there, the boundaries don't matter anymore. I would be (I am) just the same person without them.