"No More Thinking In Circles."
One of my weaknesses in thinking things through is allowing myself to get tangled up in a mental circle jerk. Thinking about A leads to B leads to F leads back to A and the circle continues until I get so dizzy I abandon the process. I decided a few years ago not to allow that to happen anymore. Break the circle (it doesn't go anywhere anyway) at any cost. Just clean house.
So, I'm cleaning house today as follows:
Concerning Boundaries, I think my boundaries in life are fine for now. Yes, they define me to some extent. And they exist on purpose. I'm willing to negotiate their placement or existence but only upon the arrival of some new information or reason to do so. I like who I am, and have no intention of losing myself like I've seen so many others do in the past.
Concerning Goals and Dreams which dictate boundaries, I am content. I generally believe that goals should be feasible and dreams should not be. I think feasibility is one thing that separates goals from dreams. I want what I want, and am not particularly ready to compromise. I'd rather do without. And, outside of the feasibility argument, what I want is good.
Concerning Cynicism, aka "The Shark In The Water", I am again convinced that cynicism has no actual value in the human persona. There is no benefit to questioning someone's motives in life. If their character is not what it appears to be, that will come out over time. But to assume up front that this is the case automatically negates the possibility that things are on the up and up. A cynical attitude is a defensive weapon, but it defends against friend and foe alike, so it's value is zero. The same applies to bitterness, anger, jealousy and other widely acclaimed character traits that I choose not to incubate in my life.
Concerning Indifference, I am a sensitive, passionate person. I am not apathetic or indifferent. I cannot say, "I don't care." Not only is it a lie, in my opinion apathy destroys everything. No relationship of any kind can survive it's attack. Here's what I can say: "I care, but that situation is beyond my reach, outside of my circle." Once a situation is outside of my heliosphere, it doesn't really matter how far outside, in which direction, how fast it is moving or where it is headed. Out is out. That's it.
Concerning Being Good Enough, nobody is good enough. I just want to be.
Concerning Momentum There is a question as to whether Momentum serves me by bringing me closer to my desires or whether it carries me where it decides and I either go willingly or stressfully. I think probably the latter is closer to the truth. Momentum is not my servant. Instead, I am its passenger. At the moment, momentum seems to be taking me farther than I have been in years from all things gay. This saddens me a little, but I also know that I have not found anyplace in the gay world to really land and stake a claim anyway. So even if it takes me away altogether, I haven't suffered any actual loss, only loss of anticipated progress.
Part of the advantage to cleaning house is that I can be more sensitive and responsive to the call and motion of momentum. As such, it's all good and I am content. May the momentum continue and continue to increase.