A Good Sports Massage

"Great. Just what I need: Something else to spend money on."

My shoulder hurts. It hurts from my neck to my elbow. It's not constant, but varies depending on what I'm doing. Both the location and intensity change all the time. I've tried ignoring it, taking some anti-inflammatory drugs (which help, but I don't like them), working around the problem, trying to develop better shoulders over time, etc.

If I go see a doctor, I presume that rotator cuff surgery will be needed. After all, insurance companies won't argue with it, it's lucrative for the doc et al, it's routine and who cares how much the recovery hurts? Maybe I should try physical therapy first. Maybe I'll find a good sports massage therapist.

I did that today.

The guy rubbed on me for a long time and it feels better already. The therapist is from South Korea and put some patch on my shoulder and arm. I asked what it was, and he told me. I didn't recognize the name, of course. He said he brought it from South Korea, and it was a special deal. Hmmm. Outcome is everything. We'll see if it helps.

The experience was cool, but not like others who routinely get massages tell me about. I enjoyed it until the end, when I checked out and the receptionist pushed the 'plan' on me. If I buy a massage a month for a year, I save $20 each. If I want more than one a month, the second one is half price.

I suggested we see if this one helps in the gym, and she made it clear that if I didn't sign up today it would cost an extra $100 and I wouldn't get a month free. I explained that I just had my first ever massage, and I enjoyed it, and I felt better. But I wasn't quite ready to buy $750 worth of them today. She acted offended. I felt sorry for her.

Somehow I bet that if I do decide to sign up for a massage a month for a year on my next visit (if there is one), they'll do a special deal just for me and waive the fee and throw in the extra month. But my first reaction is that I will never find out.

We'll see.

Miracle In Las Vegas

"No, we didn't win a million bucks."

Circa 1978, our family hosted a foreign exchange student from Belgium. He was supposed to stay for a school year then go home. He never left.

By 1984, he completely ran out of options to extend his visa. Against our parents' advice, he married the girl he was dating primarily to stay here. He moved to Chicago to marry her, and we never heard from him again.

Fast forward to last weekend, as I am in Vegas with my bro doing 50 proud. We wander into Planet Hollywood and listen to the final set of music from a pretty good rock band. We start a conversation with a pretty blond girl, who happens to be in Vegas with her best friend celebrating her 50th. She mentions that she is from Chicago, lives in California now, went to school at OU and married a European guy who is an aeronautical engineer. My bro mentioned our long lost student by name, and it turns out that the pretty blond is the very same girl the guy left to marry almost 30 years ago.

To say that all of our minds were blown would be an understatement. Sometimes coincidences are just too coincidental to be mere coincidence. Word travelled fast, and the blowing of minds extended to at least four states. We've tried to find this guy several times over the past 29 years and didn't have any luck. Now, without warning or preparation, here's his (now ex) wife. What a wonderful, random, unexplainable, out of the blue experience.

When we finally got to talk to him, It was really weird. I told him it was good to talk to my brother who ran away from home. We heard about his kids, career and life, but none of us had our fill of talking. Hopefully over the next few weeks and months, we'll be able to reconnect with someone who was a big part of my family during and after high school.

What a great birthday present.

And Elton John was fantastic. I thoroughly enjoyed every single second of that concert.

What a weekend!

8 Lbs, 1 Month And No Potatos

"The five food groups: Meat, Cheese, Potatoes, Pasta, Bread"

I've been working with Tylor, my trainer for a month now. I've lost eight lbs, which isn't all that good or bad. I don't miss them, for what it's worth.

It's time to sign up for another month. Here's the paraphrased conversation we had about that.

Tylor: Are we going to keep doing the same schedule this month, or do you need to cut back to two days a week?"

Me: Well, I've been thinking a lot about that. My thoughts drifted towards all of the advantages of being a couch potato. I've been asking myself whether I'm going the right direction. I could be sitting at home watching the Rangers' game, eating potato chips, drinking a Coke and smoking. That scenario offers some real advantages that I'm not going to get spending my time up here working out with you.

I would enjoy eating food from the five food groups again.

I have insurance. If I get diabetes, insurance and eventually Medicare will pay for it.

If I get really, really fat, I can get a handicap sticker from my Dr. ...

[Tylor just kept filling out the paperwork as if I wasn't saying anything. I was hoping for an argument, grimace, objection, negotiation for an order of fries now and then or something. It didn't happen.]

Me: You're not buying any of this are you?

Tylor Nope. You've come too far. Did you want to pay by check or credit card?

[I signed the form and handed over the card.]

50 And All's Well

"Turning 50 isn't the end of the world."

Well, I made it. And all is well.

For my birthday my bro is taking me to Vegas for a long weekend. We're also going to go see Elton John in concert. That will really be fun.

Other than that, the day was uneventful and routine, just like I wanted it to be.

At some point, I still need to think through what happens next. But not today.

The Verdict Is In

"I'm not good enough, but I wouldn't trade places with anyone."

I think (hope?) it is normal when one crosses a milestone in life (like turning 50 tomorrow) to reflect on the past asking questions like, "What's Right?", "What is wrong?", What happens now?", etc. I've obviously been asking those questions for the past couple of months. I've found some things that are finally wrong enough to motivate me to change them - hence the Wellness and Strength focus this year.

And I think that my 50th anniversary of existence will come down the same as always where those questions are concerned.

I'm not good enough. There's a ton of evidence and more than enough witnesses to support that verdict, and there's really no defense. I've had the best opportunities, exposure to some of the best people on the planet and was provided with more knowledge of God than most people I know. I know many people who have done far more with far less. In many ways I feel like I've missed the bull's-eye in life.

But I'm in a good place. Even if I didn't do it right, life has been pretty good to me. I have less stress and am less busy than anyone I know. I have enough money, plenty of time, a heart that can still love deeply and is relatively unpolluted and undivided. And I'm happy.

I haven't done it lately, but in the past few years I've checked in on some of the people who have been the most belligerent at telling me I'm not good enough, and they got shit. I wouldn't trade places with any of them. If they're so much better than me, and I'm so not good enough, they are the ones that should have more to show off, not me.

Russell Westbrook, all star point guard for the OKC Thunder NBA team provides a great picture of life for me just now. Just a couple of years ago, everyone was on his case. They nicknamed him 'Worstbrook' and thought we should get rid of him. This week, he hurt his little knee and you'd think that the balance of power in the whole free world changed because of it. I'm glad he didn't believe in the people who said he wasn't good enough.

Anyway, who said I was supposed to be good enough? I'm a great guy, and that is good enough.

For all of those who don't think so, I'm truly sorry. Your lives would be better if you thought otherwise.

Gay, Straignt or Fifty?

"If I haven't figured it out by now, I never will."

I used to think that the world was divided between gay and straight.

As I approach 50, I realize that my world is actually divided between gay, straight and 50.

There were things I could do when I was 4 that were inappropriate when I was 20. Other things, appropriate when I was 20 are inappropriate at 50. I'm not making statements here that apply to anyone else on the planet except me. But for me, the whole gay/straight thing is no longer an appropriate subject for me to invest myself in any more.

I have no interest in being an advocate for anything, especially in the political arena, especially in a paradigm where there is so much passionate hate on both sides. I do hope that the next generation of people like me who love God and are gay have the opportunity to live life without the oxymoron. I hope that in the future they won't have to live a lie or try to be something they aren't.

I have never had any desire to live in Sodom and Gomorrah. There is a dark side of the gay world, just as there is a dark side of the straight world. I have no interest in either. I am the polar opposite of a dirty old man, and there is no way that will ever change. I have compared this part of life to the ghetto, and am sad for those who have decided to live there. I am more sad for those who (at least from their own points of view) have been forced to live there by a family, society or culture that will not tolerate them anyplace else.

I would probably try to do something to help people escape the ghetto, but I don't know anything about life there or how to relate to those who call the ghetto home. And of that I am not ashamed.

It would have been great to fall in love with someone when I was in my 20's and try to build a life together. But that's not how it worked out for me. For ten years, I have stood on the outskirts as an outsider looking in, and never found a place inside the gay world to land. I've only met two gay guys that I thought I could have a relationship with that would last longer than an evening. One went bananas and the other turned me off like a bad TV show.

So be it. This is part of who I am, but in my case it's not a very big part. I'm done and out.

As I turn 50, for me the gay paradigm becomes inappropriate. I'm actually excited to be free of it.

If I ever have to answer questions about my sexuality in the future, the answer will be, "I am alone. Just like I have been my whole life." In case that sounds depressing, it's not. Somehow it fits me and feels right. I'm good with it.

Time Flies When You're Damn Near Fifty

"Life is too short to safely remove USB devices."

There's just one week left before I turn 50. And a busy week it is shaping up to be.

It starts tonight with an invitation to joyfully watch the OKC Thunder empty the Rockets in Game 1 of Round 1 of the NBA playoffs. We're going to be in one of the suites with people who have a lot more money and influence than I. Should be a blast. (That little Russian shit is still in custody in Boston, right?)

And my cousin is coming from Denver this week. She's always a lot of fun.

And the Oklahoma City Arts Festival is here this week. That's always the most expensive 'free admission' venue of the year for me. I always find something in my price range (barely) that I think I can't live without.

And the personal training continues. I don't get a vacation until I've been doing it full time for at least six months. Oh, wait. I'm establishing some momentum there, and don't want to disrupt it just yet.

Work is crazy busy.

Who has time to turn 50? Surely not I.

But, just as Spring is coming no matter what Winter thinks of it, I will turn 50 Monday next. Since I plan to live forever in one world or another, I don't think 50 is that big of a deal. But I have some tidbits to throw out before the event actually happens.

There are a couple of specific issues that I want to write about, but overall I think I've been fifty since I was thirty-five. I'm actually pretty excited to be able to act my age for the first time in years. With a couple of exceptions, life is good, and I'm happy with it. That's the backdrop against which I approach 50.

I don't theink the event will actually be very traumatic. And it's going to be fun to be busy enough not to worry about it this week.

3 Lbs, 2 Weeks, Low Torque

"What does a scale know anyway?"

Well, it's been two weeks exactly since I started working with a trainer and following his meal plan. I've lost 3 lbs. according to the scale, and converted an additional 5 lbs. of fat to muscle (if I correctly understood the rocket science body fat machine crap).

Nothing to jump up and down about (which means I probably need to jump up and down summore).

I guess I was expecting a little more, but I probably shouldn't have. As I explained to my trainer, I am a solid 'C' student.

I have made a ton of progress that the scale knows nothing about.

The digestion issues, acid reflux, bloating, heartburn stuff is completely gone altogether. That is enough progress in two weeks all by itself.

The shoulder, elbow and back issues are well under control. My shoulder and arm don't hurt at all when I exercise or just move it around like it used to. I was probably more worried about this issue than my weight. I was anticipating some orthopedic surgery remedy (something about rotator cuff) if I discussed it with the doctor. I had therefore not discussed it.

But by far the most surprising aspect of my first two weeks is that I am actually having a great time. I went in to this thing thinking about taking my medicine. I need it. It's better than the alternative. I have to just put on a smile and go do this with a good heart because it's the right thing to do for where I am in life just now.

The truth is that I am having a blast.

It's not like we're doing anything I haven't done before. I know my way around the gym a little. I understand the importance and mechanics of an exercise routine. This time is different. I'm not sure why or how exactly. But I'll take it.

So, even though the scale says we're off to a slow start, I feel better. I'm having fun and seeing results.

That'll work.

Boston

"This shouldn't happen in Boston."

First off, I join the chorus of people all over the world and offer my condolences and sympathy to the city of Boston and those impacted by recent events there.

I've had a day to get acclimated to the events at the Boston Marathon, and the flashbacks from April, 1995 here in Oklahoma City have subsided. My overwhelming thought on the matter is, "Why does stuff like this happen in Boston and Oklahoma City? These places don't deserve this kind of catastrophe."

I don't think the random killing and maiming of innocent people who are just going about their days is ever a good thing. Terrorism is not warfare. There are ways to make one's point without causing such indiscriminate damage or loss of life. Humanity, with or without God, needs to mature to the point where the whole species, even the least of us, understands that this kind of thing is as unthinkable as a square circle or division by zero.

My prediction is that the perpetrator in this case turns out to be a skinny white guy that is mad at the world, just like the incident in Oklahoma City. But whoever did this is undoubtedly is proud of themselves just now. And that alone is enough of a tragedy all by itself.

As bad as this would be in any city on earth, even in places like Afghanistan or Pakistan where events like this are commonplace, the fact that this happened in Boston just makes the whole thing worse.

This stuff never seems to happen in Miami, Detroit, Newark, etc. I've been to cities all over America, and they are not created equally. Different cities have different personalities and some cities are crappy for reasons other than geography. There are many cities that I have spent some time in and would as soon never visit again.

But Boston, Oklahoma City Chicago, Denver, Houston and a host of other cities all over this country are filled with wonderful, loving, happy people that love Life and get along just fine. These cities should be immune somehow from the urges of crazy people who think they have a point to make through acts of terrorism.

Personally, I really like Boston, and would retire there if I could figure out how. It has the best of all worlds, and I really like the people there. I'm genuinely sorry for what happened there this week. It's a real shame.

Oh Boy!

"I need a drink!"

I just wrote checks to the Federal and State Mafias for significantly more than my annual salary.

I didn't do it this year, but in the past I have taken a quick poll of coworkers in my circle of influence. First I asked if they knew how much their refund would be this year. Everyone knew exactly.

The second question is whether they knew how much they paid in taxes last year. Nobody knew.

It's not that I worked with stupid people, they just don't want to know. Their thinking is that there's nothing they can do about it anyway, and it's depressing. So it's better just not to know the answer.

But dammitt! It's important.

When I look at my own personal finances, specifically at where my money goes, the single biggest expense I have is my house. Every month I pay principle, interest, insurance and ... taxes. All of that taken together represents the single largest bite out of my paycheck every month.

The second biggest expense I have is Income Tax. I spend more money on taxes than I do on food, transportation, entertainment (even with Internet and TV) or anything else.

I'm spending more money on Taxes than I spend on anything else except my house. The expense is not optional and I am not satisfied with the value I receive for the money I spend. Outside of income tax, I pay all kinds of taxes already. Taxes out the wazoo are built into every product I buy - then I pay sales taxes on top of that. And the government is broke - and always looking for more revenue.

Personally, I think we have to shut this thing down a little. Sure, we need government. But we don't need one that's this big or this expensive. But unless and until the average American knows how much they are paying in taxes, nothing will ever change...except taxes will go up.

Choices And Outcomes

"All decisions are stupid if the outcome says so."

At the risk of saying more of nothing, I am ready to close up my thoughts on the Parable of the Talents (Matt. 25) in the context of my turning fifty this month. I am glad I have a good place to say it.

My thoughts lately have surrounded the servant not discussed in the text, who was given some number of talents and lost his master's stake outright. As I approach 50, it is painfully obvious that I've made some pretty bad investments and some stupid decisions, in hindsight at least, over the past half a century.

But it seems that there is an inherent disconnect between one's choices and the outcome those choices generate. There are no guarantees in life and bad things happen to good people every day. The converse is also woefully true. So the obvious wisdom of the parable, that success equates to good and faithful but failure equates to wicked and lazy, is bogus.

The sin of the one who buried his master's talent so it could be returned safely is in not making choices at all...not doing anything in fear of doing it wrong.

So what about the choices and decisions I've made and the lack of quantifiable results? Shouldn't good choices lead to positive outcomes just as good trees bear good fruit?

So here are my conclusions as I survey the landscape of my first 50 years as a human being.

One. Good decisions are good and bad decisions are bad regardless of the outcome. To understand choices in any other context is self defeating as the outcome is unknown at the time the choice is made. If we only make choices when the outcome is known in advance, we're not really making choices at all. We are burying our talents of faith, imagination, inspiration and creativity in the soil of fear and doubt. The parable defines this as wicked and lazy.

Two. Life is about taking risk. We reach out in faith and passion to attain that which does not exist and create that which is good. The whole universe is geared to provide that opportunity for us and allow the choices to play out. Almost any decision can lead to more than one outcome. If the one that develops is not the one we envisioned, we learn and grow.

Three. There is a built in margin of error. The process of creation through imagination and passion is hard. We're allowed to make mistakes. In my experience, over time the universe even helps mitigate those mistakes and compensates for the damage or failure they cause.

Four. It is OK to be disappointed in the outcome without being ashamed of the decision. We (or at least I) tend to tie those two reactions together. This is inappropriate and self destructive. I have made many decisions that didn't produce the outcome I wanted or expected. But I have actually made very few decisions that I am ashamed of.

Five. Other people are entitled to the same margin of error afforded to us. We need to quit judging, hating and condemning each other. The practice of stoning people should have ended when Christ said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." We need to learn to keep our rocks in our pockets - or just put them down. They serve no good purpose. (This is easy to say and hard to do, I know. But this post is about choices. This is a choice.)

Six. Overall, the process works. We need to keep trying, keep creating, keep learning and keep making choices that we believe will make life on earth better. We need to understand that the process of doing so is something we can believe in and hope in whether the outcome of any certain decision says so or not. In the parable, the master is the judge, not the outcome.

We need to understand that one good decision can change the rest of our lives. We need to be prepared, whether we're 50 or not, to make that decision when the opportunity presents itself. We need to do so with enthusiasm and faith, always anticipating the outcome that says, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

And, for now, I'm done with this parable and I'm one step closer to being ready to be 50.

The Trainer

"When the student is ready the teacher will come."

It took months for me to go find a personal trainer to help me get in better shape, lose weight and re-develop a more healthy, physically fit lifestyle. It's not really rocket science. It's just math. I need to create a 500 calorie deficit over what I was doing previously. I need to 'move more, eat less'. I need to, but I didn't.

So, I finally figured out I wasn't going to do it on my own. I'm not qualified to know what to do anyway (any more than I am qualified to prescribe my own medications). I'm not smart enough, diligent enough or committed enough to pull this off. It took a while, but I got there.

And there, waiting on me to get there, was the most perfect trainer for me that I could have imagined. Please meet Tylor.

He's the perfect trainer and a great guy.

He used to play professional baseball, which is an asset on two fronts. First, my shoulders and elbows are horribly weak, and baseball players know about that stuff first hand. Tylor knows exactly where to pull, push, stretch and poke around those areas. It's all the same stuff needed to throw a baseball across the diamond and get the out at the plate. Second, I love baseball. I could never play it, but baseball is the only sport I ever had any real interest in. I would love to have been able to step up to the plate and hit the ball - even just once.

He's a Canadian, and is stereotypically nice, easy going and fun to be around. For a jock, I really enjoy his company. I was sort of hoping to find someone with more of a medical or physical therapy bias. A friend of mine uses just such a trainer, and is very happy with him. But Tylor is a better match for me because he is the perfect balance between fun and intimidating. From an accountability perspective, I really don't want to get cross threaded with him.

And he gets it. He gets my humor and my situation. He knows I don't really want to be there, but need to embrace wellness and strength on a physical level. He doesn't dumb down our workouts or pull any punches when I slack off. But he makes the process enjoyable at the same time. At least subjectively, this is very important. I was really dreading starting a workout regimen at the gym. He has made the experience more than tolerable - even pleasant.

Overall, he's just what I would choose for a trainer. He's smart enough, engaging enough, mean enough and cute enough to keep me in the game. And he doesn't like tofu and bean sprouts either. He's got me eating good stuff that I like on a nutrition program that isn't a burden.

Wow. Why did I wait so long to track this guy down? I can't believe I actually feel this way, but I'm really excited to see what happens over the next few months.

(Since I basically just wrote a commercial for the guy, I guess I should add that he is at Anytime Fitness on W. Hefner Rd (Hefner and Rockwell). If anyone locally needs a good trainer, look him up. I'm sure he could use the business as much as you could use his special expertise. If he can make me excited to go to the gym, he can do about anything. Don't tell him I said that though. He'll raise his prices.)

The Gym

"OK, I'm all done being stupid."

Well, Since December, I've been thinking and talking about getting in better shape. More specifically, about eating better and exercising more. Less specifically, about Wellness and Strength as I turn 50 this year and start the second half century of my life.

And I have accomplished some things. I've starting vaping instead of smoking, and that's going pretty well. I never drink soda anymore. I'm taking better care of my mouth, trying to eat smarter and working out at home a little.

And on the scale, the sum total of all of that taken together is a big, fat, perfectly shaped zero.

And I realize that I've been an idiot. Why am I trying to figure all of this out when there are fitness gyms on every corner with educated and motivated personal trainers who already have all of this figured out?

Other people like going to the gym and working out. They want to look good for their wives or show off or be studs. I get it, but that's not who I am. Some older guys want to look like they're 25 again and so they work out, buy red convertibles and try to date 22 year old girls. Not this guy - although I do drive a red Jeep and the top comes off...hmmm.

For me, working out is like taking medicine. I don't want to, I need to. If I could figure out how to accomplish Wellness and Strength, be all that I can be and honor God without doing it, I would.

My thoughts this month are: If I need to work out, I need to treat it like medicine. I need to do it right (maximize the time invested in it, avoid injury and not waste time and energy doing it wrong).

I'm not the guy to do that, any more than I am the right guy to go browse through the prescription medicines behind the counter at a pharmacy and figure out what medicine to take. I need someone who knows what he's doing.

And I found him. We had our first workout together yesterday. I honestly think we accomplished more in an hour than I have accomplished in four months on my own. I'm excited, and ready for more medicine. More to follow...

Easter: The Antithesis of Narcissism

"My reflection would be more lovely if the water were more pure."

For Christians, the Christmas Star and the Empty Tomb serve as bookends around what has become known as "The Christ Event". But as Christians, we also believe that Christ was not a temporal, mortal man. We believe that He existed in the beginning and will orchestrate an end that has yet to unfold.

As such, we believe that God created man in His image, also immortal and eternal by nature. Life provides an environment by which we choose to live out eternity in the darkness of death or in the light of Life.

Then we spend our days trying to live up to that higher calling; to be in the light as He is in the light. We try to discern and do good, perceive and reject evil, be transformed by the renewing of our minds and be conformed to the image of Christ in every conceivable way.

Unlike Narcissus, we gaze upon our own reflections and see our imperfection, our shortcomings, our weaknesses and failures.

And if we're not careful, like Narcissus, we become enraptured by that reflection.

As I reread my blog posts over the past few years, I realize how self centered (if not narcissistic) I am. My theme this year of Wellness and Strength, my Momentum thoughts of 2011, my perspective on homosexuality (which I still can't believe I put out there for everyone on the planet to read), even my thoughts on God and how to live life, think and act in congruence with my knowledge of Him - the whole list is all about me.

In my defense, I don't know what else I'd write about. I don't know anything about anybody else.

But still, on this particular Easter, the wind is blowing in a different direction. My thoughts today are that the whole reason for Easter is to set me (and all of us) free from the paradigm above. God died for us because He loves us, and that is our only hope - our only salvation.

When He walked among us, Jesus healed ten blind people. Nine of them went off looking at stuff. They could see at last, and I'm sure they were busy looking. Maybe they were enraptured by all of the stuff they could see. One of the ten came back to say, "Thank You."

I'm sure I'll get back to my own reflection soon...to all of the stuff that's wrong with me and how to fix it, overcome it, etc. But today, I just want to say, "Thank You, Christ Jesus for all that You are, for all that You have done, for all that You are doing day by day in and around me, for Your love and sacrifice on my behalf, for life and light."

Maybe that's all I really need to do every day.

It's All My Fault

"and I'm really proud of that."

Facing down the final month before I turn 50, thinking about the Parable of the Talents in Matt. 25 and Easter tomorrow, my thoughts today surround being at fault.

We live in a world that wants someone to blame for everything. Unfortunately, or mirror doesn't always allow that person to be someone else. Even when it is clearly someone else's fault, God admonishes us to 'forgive, even as He has forgiven us."

I know that there are many situations in my life that didn't work out the way I intended. I know that I am not beyond criticism. But there is a component of the blame game that hardly ever gets noticed.

The one 'at fault' most of the time is the one who instigates the situation in the first place.

Ultimately, God created everything, so in a sense everything is His fault. God handles this burden easily. He didn't create bad situations. He created opportunities for really good situations - even in the face of tragedy and suffering.

Since we are created in God's image, it is our bias to use our imagination and faith to create situations in and around our own lives. We plan, try, dream, work and invest ourselves in all kinds of things that we think will make our lives and the lives of the people we care about better. This is a good thing. It's how we're designed to work.

Sometimes, our motives are not pure. Thus we have God's word and spirit to create in us a pure, clean heart. There is a remedy designed to show us how to create better.

Sometimes, our motives are pure. But through a lack of knowledge or perspective, we start a cause/effect reaction that doesn't end well. We learn from those experiences and accumulate a resource over time called Wisdom to protect us from making those mistakes again. There is a remedy for those who lack wisdom.

Sometimes, our motives are pure and our actions are wise. But someone else involved in the equation screws things up. Then they turn around and tell us it's our fault. We need to learn to see through that. When our hearts a re pure and our hands are clean, we approach God boldly, full of confidence in Him. There is a remedy for those who do right and are called wrong at the throne of Grace.

Sometimes our motives are pure, our actions are wise and the whole universe works together on our behalf. But some random something beyond our control thwarts our efforts and steals our outcome. Call it bad luck. In those times, when the rest of the world tells us it's our fault, we just have to say, "Shit Happens," pick ourselves up and try again.

The only way I will ever get through life and be able to say that nothing is my fault is if I don't do anything to start with. That is the sin of the wicked and lazy servant. Of that, I am absolutely Not Guilty. And the proof is all of the people who think it's my fault!

Too Late For Me

"...but it's about damn time."

Simple Math

"God Loves A Cheerful Giver."

I never have trouble contributing. Everybody in the world that's doing something good needs money. I love helping and being a part of good causes, humanitarian projects, evangelistic or holistic outreaches, missions or a variety of other concerns. I'll probably never have any money - I'll give it all away.

Giving is, of course, not just financial. It is money, time, used furniture, clothes, credit card miles, broken down cars, advice and counsel and anything else you can think of.

Contributing to the well being of others is absolutely a component of "Wellness". When I give to a worthwhile activity, everyone benefits. I benefit from knowing that I helped accomplish something good notwithstanding anything that could be said about my value (or lack thereof) otherwise. Other people benefit by receiving whatever I can give. Nobody loses. The universe is just a better place. And as one who gives, I have an undisputed role in making it so.

So how about this simple math concept:

More or less, 3500 calories is 1 pound of body weight. If I want to lose a pound a week, I have to do something with 3500 calories a week, or 500 per day. I can work hard enough to burn them up. I can consume fewer to begin with.

-or-

Can I give them away?

Surely someone can use an extra 500 calories a day, right? Two thirds of the world goes to bed hungry. Sounds like there ought to be need and a solution equation someplace in there.

A Business Diversion

"Speaking of full time jobs..."

What a great week!

I know I haven’t done much writing this week. But I don’t have any progress to report on the Wellness and Strength front, and work has been busy, busy.

The exclamation point on the week is that we fixed our one big mistake. Several years ago, we bought a couple of inlets for a certain aircraft. We thought we could sell them pretty quickly, so we got ‘em and paid to have them certified.

They’ve been sitting here since. Today we finally sold one, which pays back the capital it took to buy and repair both. That’s a big shot in the arm for us, and totally out of the blue.

The other aspect of this particular transaction is that business in November and December was uncharacteristically slow. This is how things started for us in December 2007. Six months before the rest of the world figured out we were in a recession, our sales fell through the floor. I was getting a little concerned that we were starting that cycle again.

As it worked out, it’s just a hiccup. Things started picking back up in January on the sales side. Collections didn’t get any real help until late February. We went on an aircraft buying spree at the end of last year, so I was really sweating things in January and February.

But, just as March brings Spring, severe weather and Easter (at least this year), it is also bringing some much needed money, momentum and (at least for Yours Truly) peace of mind.

I’m getting too damn old to worry about money.

It's Not About The Gold

"...and it's a good thing, too."

My thoughts lately have surrounded the parable of the talents in Matt 25. More specifically, I've been thinking about the guy that is not discussed in the parable; the guy who invested his Master's money with the best wisdom he had, and lost it.

A surface level, shallow reading of the story teaches us that the guys who doubled their investments are the ones that the Master respects and rewards. The difference between these guys and the wicked and lazy servant who buried his talent is totally financial. It's all about the gold. It's all about the increase...success...achievement...victory...outcome.

If God's self expression was limited to these few verses, and that's all we could know about him, most of us would be in big trouble. Perhaps the surface level, shallow version of the Master is all that the servant with one talent knew. No wonder the guy was terrified. If his Master was all about profit, he better not screw up. How many of us live life just like that poor guy? "If I don't do anything, I can't screw up."

Many religious people behave as if our walk with God is just this simple: Performance is all that matters. Those who perform are good and faithful and those who don't measure up are wicked and lazy.

But if we look at what the Master said about the two successful people in the parable, we see a little deeper. In praising them, the Master uses the words, "Good" and "Faithful", not "Smart, Shrewd or Stingy." And the reward given to the successful servants was not gold. It was more work to do.

If it was all about gold, all about profit, shouldn't the servants have shared in the gold? Instead the master saw that the servant was good and faithful with gold and gave him charge over 10 cities. That sounds like a lot of work, not a reward. I'm not even sure I want that much reward. Does anyone?

Cities are full of people. Christ was all about people. Charge over 10 cities is about people. Christianity is about three things: People, People and People. Some are good and faithful. Some are wicked and lazy. Some are "none of the above". They're just living their lives, doing their best, hitting home runs from time to time and screwing up.

But still, when the Master returns and looks at my life, what will he say? I hope He can find something that makes Him disagree with my mirror.

Wellness and Strength Starts With The Mouth

"The only thing I got from my British heritage is bad teeth."

I have terrible teeth. It's not really the only British stereotype in my life, but it's the most prominent. My family has always had bad teeth as far back as I can remember. It's just a little mean of God to make human beings live for 70-80 years, but give them teeth that only last 45.

Of course there are two approaches: One is to fight the inevitable from an early age and probably lose anyway. The second is let things happen and deal with whatever unfolds. I chose the second way. But now we know that oral health is directly related to overall health more closely than anyone thought when I was young.

As I pay attention this year to Wellness and Strength, I cannot ignore my mouth any longer. I don't have any dental problems, but I don't pay enough attention to my mouth. Smoking for 27 years didn't help either. As it relates to Wellness, I have started paying attention to three areas specifically related to my mouth.

First is what goes in. I am trying to eat better.

Second is oral hygiene. I'm brushing, flossing and mouthwashing. I still hate my teeth. I'm playing the 'all things work together' card.

Third is what comes out. I'm watching my "yes's" and 'no's" pretty carefully, and starting to do more healthy things by saying more healthy things first.

We know that heart disease and gum disease are closely related. Preventing gum disease prevents heart disease too.

We know that we are what we eat. I'm living proof. Eating better is being better.

We know that what we say is what we become.

Maybe I can figure out the nutrition, exercise, weight loss, wellness and strength equation. That is hard. I'm working on it. But to the extent that it starts with the mouth, I can, "Watch My Mouth".

Music For A Broken Piano

"Now that takes a real Virtuoso."

Anyone with some education, a little aptitude, a lot of practice and passion for music can make a piano sound good. But what can you do with a broken piano?

I've struggled my whole life with being a great guy, just not good enough. I'm like the broken piano. I get it. I am very aware of my limitations, shortcomings, faults and failures. I can quote the list of 347 reasons I'm not good enough forwards and backwards.

If someone finds a few more, I really don't need to hear them. 347 is plenty.

I've been thinking lately about the Parable of the Talents in Matt 25. I may actually have to jot down some notes before I can get it out of my head. But my main question in rereading this familiar parable is, "What about the guy that has been given a talent or two, invests them using the best wisdom he has, and looses the investment?" Not every investment made by good and faithful people doubles in value, does it? What about broken piano guys like me?

There are no obvious answers to this question in the parable itself. There are some contemplative possibilities. But the parable doesn't give an example of the servant who tried and failed.

Perhaps failure is not a possibility. Perhaps the example of the Master who goes on a long journey is not applicable to our lives. Perhaps the Master never leaves or forsakes us. Perhaps, whether it makes sense to us or not, we can relax in the knowledge that the Master Himself directs our steps. If we loose a talent or two of His gold along the way, He can afford it.

Perhaps we need to remember that He writes the music and He plays it. We're just the broken pianos.

If They're Known Terrorists, Take 'Em Out?

"It's amazing how unimportant the Constitution is when we don't like someone."

First, for what it's worth from a politically cynical guy like me, "Congrats" to Rand Paul for the filibuster yesterday. He was trying to draw attention to predator drones, their use in assassinations worldwide, the lack of oversight or even consistency in how and where they are used, and most importantly, the question of whether they can be used against United States citizens on United States soil with the same discretion (or lack there of).

"If they're a known terrorist, take them out - no questions asked." That seems to be the attitude of most people here. One person even told me, "If they could have taken out Timothy McVeigh with a predator drone before he blew up the Murrah Federal building in 1995, they should have."

(DISCLAIMER: I disagree. I am among those that might have supported McVeigh completely had he blown the place up at 2:00 AM when nobody was there if he'd made sure that even the security guards were out of harm's way.)

Disclaimer aside, my reaction is, "Really?"

If they had known he was going to do that, they could have arrested him and given him the due process which the Constitution provides to all of us. If it doesn't apply to all of us, it doesn't apply to any of us.

They didn't know he was going to do that. Should they have assassinated him without due process because some unknown and unaccountable person in the intelligence community thought he was going to do something like that? Hell No.

What are we thinking here? How can we so loudly support our military, then despise the basic principles they're supposed to defend? Where are the Second Amendment rights advocates on this? Do they think their AR-15 Assault rifle will do anything to help them against a predator drone? Are we really this out of touch with what America stands for, what it's supposed to be about?

Is it that hard for our President, the nominee for CIA Director and the US Attorney General to stand up and say unequivocally, "Drones will never be used to assassinate US Citizens on US Soil. It is illegal and antithetical to everything our Constitution stands for."

Wellness and Strength March Madness

"It's a process, not an event."

Well, time for a quick update. The concept I'm working with this year is that none of the issues below are separate issues. They're all interconnected and related. So a bullet point update is about all I have room for in one post

Good News/Bad News: Good news is that I'm still vaping instead of smoking. Bad news is I still smoke two or three old cigarettes a day. In February, I tried to 86 the one before bed, and was not successful. I may have even lost a little ground last month.

I did manage to go a whole weekend without a real smoke, but by Tuesday, I couldn't deal with it. I smoked one. I'm not too upset though. 2-3 a day is a lot better than 2 packs! And I'm still enjoying vaping, and still not fighting all the time.

But the smokes just won't let go. Bullet is: "The Empire Strikes Back."

I started exercising a little. I got out the excercise bike and the cheap, Academy Sports version of the Total Gym I've had for a few years. My facebook post from last weekend says it all:

I spent 45 minutes on my exercise bike today. Almost not smoking for a few months has really helped. I used to only last 10-15 minutes b4 my lungs gave out. Today I only stopped because of the sharp pain extending down my left leg, blurred vision and a strange numbness on the left side of my face. But I'm better now.

I'm eating breakfast every day. Except I forgot today, and now I'm starving. That's actually good news, I think. But I still struggle with the nutrition/eating right stuff. Somehow, I have to translate "I need to eat more healthy" to "Buy 1% milk at the store from now on."

And finally...drum roll, please...

Total weight loss since I started working on Wellness and Strength last December. "ZERO." I weigh exactly the same as I did then. Hmmm.

Who Is Sitting On Whose Ass?

"Fund Programs Individually. Make Cuts Across The Board."

There's so much nonsense talk about the Federal Budget going on out there. Politicians and members of the press are throwing rocks around like hand grenades, talking about how people will be hurt by across the board cuts, and our way of life is at stake, and we'll be thrown into another recession, and it's always the other sides' fault.

Yesterday, the Speaker of the House and the Senate Majority Leader exchanged the 'ass' word, telling each other to get off theirs and do what they wanted. Very entertaining. I laughed my ass off.

Everybody knows that the budget (Federal Spending) is insanely out of control. Everybody knows that spending has to decrease and taxes have to increase. Everybody knows that the status quo is unsustainable. But nobody can fix it.

It is simply not within government's scope to get smaller. Anytime anyone talks about cutting spending for a particular program or special interest, they are picking a fight. Someone out there passionately believes in whatever program is being cut, whether it's the military or animal rights advocacy groups. And someone, despite the funding cut to whatever their passion happens to be, will find money to crucify the politician who instigates any such cut on election day.

The only prayer government has for extending its fiscal demise is to implement across the board cuts. Nobody likes them, but everyone will understand them. Personally, I think we should make significant, almost fatal cuts across the board.

Then government can do what it does best. It can go back through the list individually and fund the important programs. The more important the program, the more support it will have for funding and the quicker the funding process will be.

The programs that aren't too important? Well, that's what committees are for.

It's just not that damn hard.

Weight Loss Is A Full Time Job

"I already have one of those."

I had dinner with a friend over the weekend. I didn't know it, but he has been working really hard this year to lose wieght, gain muscle and be more healthy. He is doing exactly what I am unwilling to do: He eats only tofu and bean sprouts and spends two hours a day, six days a week at the gym.

His religious fervor for losing weight and being more healthy is admirable. I am not criticizing him at all. As a matter of fact, I applaud his success so far. In just six weeks, he has lost 24 lbs and looks completely different. He is toning up nicely and feels much better. He has more energy, enthusiasm, endurance and strength. I'm proud of him. But his journey is not my journey.

I might be able to suffer through such a program for a few weeks, or even a few months. But I have no interest in adopting it as a lifestyle. I have never enjoyed exercise. Even back in college, everyone told me if I would work out regularly and especially run, my body would crave it. It would be a joy, not a chore. That never happened.

I want to eat better. I want to learn to eat more healthy, less processed food. I want to get away from convenience food. I might even enjoy cooking if I'd learn a little more about it. Of course, my friend isn't just eating tofu and bean sprouts, but in our discussion about eating, I would only eat about 30% of the stuff he said he is eating. I don't like yellow squash and wouldn't have a sardine up my nose if I had room for a freight train. I can't imagine eating both at the same meal.

If that's all there was to eat, I would certainly lose weight - I'd starve!

I'm convinced that I don't have to live that way.

My friend got a rather direct letter from his cardiologist that suggested he does have to live that way. My solution to that is: "Avoid The Cardiologist!" But he is five years older than me, and didn't do what I am willing to do this year.

And I am making some progress. More on that in the next post or few.

For now, as I stand at the bottom of the staircase looking up at my friend, I am impressed.

Knight In Shining Armor

"My brother had a great Valentine's Day."

The flip side of my Valentine's Day Funk (which I experience every year to some extent) is my brother's day.

My sister in law was on the ill fated Party (Potty?) Cruise that experienced an engine fire and was adrift in the Gulf of Mexico for five days. They were dragged back into port on none other than Valentine's Day.

My brother relished being the Knight in Shining Armor that showed up in Mobile, AL Thursday night when the passengers disembarked. Through no small amount of collusion and coordination, my sister in law was informed that a hotel shuttle would meet her at the dock so she could go to a hotel and clean up before catching a plane to Houston, another bus to Galveston and commence the 8+ hour drive home.

Indeed a van was waiting, the driver holding a sign with her name on it right in front of his face. She said, "Here I am" and he said, "Me too." He was ready with food and vodka. She was very glad to see him.

Awwww.

They went to the hotel for whatever was left of Valentine's day, then boarded a private jet that my bro managed to finagle by trading some parts we didn't have a lot of money tied up in. They flew home in style along with five of her companions that were equally done with the cruise experience.

It was really sweet. How often does one have the opportunity to be a hero on Valentine's Day?

My Pity Party Is Over Now

"I'm done feeling sorry for myself...just in time for Valentine's Day."

Certain events last week put me in a funk. I admit it. But I'm done now and recovering nicely. I should be fully recovered just in time for the annual funk I experience on the day that the whole world pokes fun at people like me by flaunting their sweetheart relationships in front of us and implying that if we were worth a crap we'd have one too.

I've prepared for it the best I can. I've turned off Facebook, bought a couple of new books to read, stocked up on vodka and sparkling cranberry juice cocktail and made a list of reasons I'm happy to be alone and pathetic. I should be OK.

Now all I have to do is figure out what to buy myself for Valentine's Day. I don't want or need anything. So, my variation on the theme of, "What do you get someone for Valentine's Day who has everything he wants?" still needs an answer. I'm sure I'll think of something.

Then I'll take a deep breath and hold my nose through the flower deliveries at work and the stories about what everybody else is doing for VD. Then I'll go home, eat a TV dinner, have a few drinks and read myself to sleep. Maybe I'll dream one more time about what might be next year if God loves me. I'll make it through another one, hopefully with minimal anguish.

For all of those more fortunate than me, enjoy your day. Spend time with your Valentine and do whatever you can to make it a perfect day for them.

I'm relatively confident that I'll resurface when it's all over.

We All Have A Purpose, Right?

"After millions of years of evolution, this guy finally serves a purpose...and it makes people mad."

Yesterday, someone was talking about an accidental oil spill in their swimming pool. I mentioned that it probably took a whole flock of sea gulls to clean up that mess. I was, of course, berated badly for being such an environmentally insensitive ass.

But what other purpose do sea gulls actually serve? Could it be that they were created just for such an occasion? They seem to do it really well, and are better equipped to clean up oil spills that anything else science has come up with.

I'm kidding about the sea gulls, obviously. But sometimes I feel like one of them.

There is a concept in Christianity that we are being 'poured out' for the benefit of others, and that this is not just our duty, but our glory. Self sacrifice and giving up that which is important to me for the someone else's sake is thought of highly. And we are taught to make these sacrifices willingly - with enthusiasm.

We should be content to be part of a process that benefits other people and makes their lives better without desiring to participate in whatever 'better' turns out to be. We are taught that jealousy is a bad thing, and we should not want what someone else has - even if we had a role in helping them have it. We need to learn to be patient and that our turn will come.

So today, I'm a student. I guess I'm supposed to enjoy it.

I Miss My Wednesday Afternoons

"It's all over Facebook, but if you haven't watched it yet..."



It's all about perspective, huh?

For over a year, from November 2011 until December 2012, I spent Wednesday afternoons working with a few organizations that deliver food to homeless camps around Oklahoma City. I was really thankful to have the distraction from work, the opportunity to serve others in a meaningful way and the exposure to other people who also have a heart to help.

I gave that up this year for several reasons. The primary thought behind not doing that anymore is, "Anybody can stand here and hand out boxes of food, but I'm the only one that can do my job." And my job needed my Wednesday afternoons again. What can I say?

But I really miss the connection to the people I was working with and for. And the video above doesn't just apply to third wold countries. It applies equally as well to hundreds or even thousands of people living in each and every big city in the first world (whatever that is).

Sometimes it's good to take a step back, see the trivial things that genuinely irritate us, and realize what a blessing those irritations really are.

DISCLAIMER:
The video above is from www.waterislife.com. These folks make and distribute straws that purify water. Not sure what else they do, and I am not advocating the organization - just the thoughts presented in the video.

This is not the same organization whose equipment we took to Zambia last October. That group is called Water4Life. Their website is Water4Life. I can wholeheartedly recommend these guys. Their organization is first rate, and their equipment works well. Their stuff is used to drill safe water wells that require no power or equipment to work.

Now Here's An Oxymoron Conundrum

"Maybe old dogs can learn new tricks."

Please Meet Shane Windmeyer and Dan Cathy.

Shane is co-founder and executive director of Campus Pride, a national advocacy group for gay college students.

Dan is none other than the infamous president and COO of Chick-fil-A that got so much press last year with its corporate gay bashing porgram.

Shane was Dan's guest at the Chick-fil-A Bowl New Year's Eve.

Wow.

Shane wrote an article for Huffpost Gay Voices that was published yesterday. The article can be found here.

The Cliffs Notes are that these two diabolically opposed people met and became friends. The Chick-fil-A dude isn't quite as bad as previously thought, Chick-fil-A stopped supporting the worst of the anti-gay programs and (I guess) we're all supposed to go eat chicken sandwiches again.

I'm encouraged by the article, but obviously skeptical. Rather than share my reservations, I just want to encourage everyone to read the article.

I think I'll leave it there for now.