Flipping The Sign

"The End Is Just The Beginning."

I guess it's appropriate to say "Good-Bye" to 2012. As far as I'm concerned, it won't really be a year to remember. I did some fun stuff, and had a great time. But mostly, I'll remember 2012 for what didn't happen.

For example, the world didn't end as the Mayans evidently thought it would.

I didn't quit smoking like I thought I would. (but I finally found something that I think will help.)

My Africa trip, which resulted in a whole lot of good things BTW, didn't result in a new relationship.

I didn't really accomplish much personally, professionally or in any other paradigm.

It was a relaxing, restful, enjoyable year. But so what? And the end of it, I'm left wanting more. I'm anxious and excited to go around the bend and see what's there. I feel like I'm waking up from a very enjoyable and well deserved nap, and ready to get on with the day.

So, as I flip the sign over from 2012 to 2013, I'm also looking to a more productive, more profitable, more successful year. Maybe after two or three of those, I can have another year like 2012 to coast and enjoy life.

Let Us Worship

"The world didn't end, so Let's Have Christmas."

This was not my favorite Christmas.

I'm blaming busyness for ruining Christmas this year. Things have been so crazy busy the past few months that I had to move into survival mode. Nobody else knows it because I still did a good job of picking the best gifts I could find, and did all of the right stuff on the outside. But inside, in the part of life that matters, I just wasn't in to Christmas.

The message of Christmas is not 'Let It Snow' (which it did), or 'Let Us Shop' (which I did). Christmas is about worship.

It is about perceiving and following the Christmas Star right up to the place of worship. Christmas is about recognizing and accepting a life and destiny that is fundamentally different and better than the one into which I was born, and laying down my meager gifts and talents in exchange for the purpose and impact of a bright star on a dark night...of the baby that changed the course of history...of change, renewal, hope, humility and all of the other images presented in the nativity.

It is about following the star without getting lost or distracted. Without losing hope or interest. Without thinking that the journey is too long or too hard. Without being kidnapped by busyness, wealth, pride, pleasure or fear.

Christmas is about faith - not in my own ability to complete this journey, but in the ability of the Star to guide me and the Baby to accept me, and the angels to protect me and the wise men to teach me and the shepherds to rescue me if I get tangled up.

It is about encouraging each other, families, friends and other travelers to take a few more steps. It is about anticipation of the life that will be, and will never 'not be' again.

It's about worship.

I may be a day late, but I'm there now. I hope I never again 'do' all of the wrong stuff and 'not do' all of the right stuff where Christmas is concerned.

Just In Case

"An Open Letter to My Coworkers."

Just in case the Mayans got it right, and the world as we know it comes to an abrupt, catastrophic end tomorrow, I wanted to take this opportunity to tell each of you how much I have enjoyed working with you. We’ve had some fun, made some money, fought a little and laughed a lot. We really have created a family here, and I am proud to have been a part of it. I am truly grateful for the opportunity to get to know each of you and your families over the years, and will really miss you if I survive and you don’t. It’s been a great ride.

I’m pretty sure the predictions for 12-21-12 are wrong. God wouldn’t let the end of the world come before the next Star Trek movie is released May 17, 2013. But it doesn’t hurt to be prepared, and I don’t want to leave anything unsaid. So I want to say a special ‘just in case’ farewell to Diane and that damn dog she brings to work with her on Wednesday. Could it be that Junebug’s incessant whining is her way of trying to warn us about the impending doom coming tomorrow? Or is she just a whiny dog? We’ll all know soon.

And it will be too bad if the end of the world comes just two short days after Marla learned to make coffee in a real coffee pot.

If anything does happen tomorrow, I think we have the skill sets to deal with it expeditiously and effectively, each in our own way. Whatever it is that happens, Fred will probably shoot it. Janis will undoubtedly shake her finger at it and tell it what for. Diane will organize it, Chrys will enter it (assuming the paperwork is right), Brad will forget it by Sunday, Bryan will laugh at it and Tommy will probably offer to buy it. I expect Winn will send it an email and Jim will infamously say, “Hmm. I’ll be darn.” Charity will bitch about how much money it costs, and Mario will wave politely and say, “Helllow”. We can tell Esteban to fix it, then all chant, “He broke it, he broke it.” I think we’ll be OK.

One never knows about these ‘end of the world’ predictions. So far, they’ve all been wrong. But only one has to be right, and none of us knows whether this is the one.

But it occurs to me today, very possibly the day before the end of it all, that we should each do our best to Finish Strong and go out with a bang. And, no, I don’t mean a big party! I mean living life as if today is our last day here – doing something really good, profound, worthy of the effort that has been invested in us, etc. And if the world doesn’t end tomorrow, maybe we should start living every day with the same mindset. If the world continues on past tomorrow, it will not be unchanged. We can, individually and corporately, change it for the better. (This is the only real value I can see in all of these doomsday predictions anyway.)

And just in case something does happen, we need a plan – strike that – a STRATEGY. So, I propose that in the event of some calamity tomorrow, we should all head for Esteban’s house in Mexico. It’s in Tecozautla, Mexico just a little NNW of Mexico City. I’m sure if we ask people down there where his house is, they’ll be able to tell us. If doomsday comes, we’ll all meet there and eat tamales and drink tequila. If worse comes to worse I really hope to see you all there.

If It Fits, It Ships

"Wisdom from the Post Office? Really?"

One profound thought I had as I relive and digest the Africa trip I took earlier this year, and the guy I hoped would turn out to be a closer friend, is about relationships, connections and even romance.

I'm not a 19-year old college kid, and I (surprisingly enough) have spent exactly no time second guessing myself, wondering why things didn't work out, asking myself what I could have done diffferently, etc.

Hey. For me, that's pretty damn good.

Furthermore, I didn't 'not' do these things on purpose. I just naturally assumed the stance that, "It Is What It Is", and dismissed the whole thing. Honestly, this is really unlike me. But it feels good.

Thinking through it a little more, I decided that I'm old enough, secure enough in who I am, and smart enough to look at things differently now than I would have a few years ago. In business long ago, I learned the axiom that, "if the best I can do isn't good enough, there's no hope for you." With irate customers, employees or even vendors, the best I can do is all there is. There isn't any more. If there was, I would do it.

It's fun to feel the same about relationships. I fully understand my limitations and shortcomings. But I have a lot of assets too. If I'm not good enough (which may indeed be true), then there's nothing more I can offer, nothing else to put on the table.

Which leads me to say, "Best of luck to you, and Have a nice life. I have a good life without you, and have no interest in intruding into yours." Then let the whole thing fall on the ground and get back to work.

Too bad I wasn't a good fit. It would have been a fun trip.

Five Day Forecast

"I'm behind blogging. I better hurry and get caught up."

Since, assuming the Mayans were right, the end of the world is Friday, I better update my blog.

I did indeed make it back from a wonderful trip to Africa. It was awesome. We did a lot of really good things, fun things and eye-opening things. The guy I like? Well, "I'm a great guy but not good enough." Gee, I never heard that before.

Since then, life has been frantically busy, which I hate. But it has been filled with good things, which I love. Because time is so short, I won't share the details. But the last three months have flown by faster than any other time period I can remember.

One thing I will say is that November and December (so far) have been terrible for sales at work. We're having the worst two months since July, 2008. This is exactly how things started for us in December, 2007 before the recession. We were impacted six months before the rest of the world knew what was going on. Hopefully this isn't round two.

(But if it is, oh well. The world ends Friday anyway.)

It's too bad too. I was really looking forward to 2013. 2011 was the year of Momentum for me. 2012 was a year to basically coast. 2013 was shaping up to be the year of Wellness and Strength. I'm really ready to focus on these issues in my life, our business and the world at large. I have even been considering resurrecting by blog.

Well, hopefully the forecast above is as wrong as most of our local weather forecasts. I'm convinced that Oklahoma is Purgatory for meteorologists. They never get it right here.

Greetings From Zambia

"When 70% of the earth is covered with water, why does 85% of the world's population lack clean, safe water?"

I've been in Zambia all week with a team of guys working to hand drill a water well in a remote village and orphanage. The object of the exercise is to bring the tools, drill a well and train a group of local workers to replicate the process over and over after we leave.

We're on our fourth day of drilling, have reached water and will complete the project tomorrow.

It has been an amazing week.

It is amazing to see the progress that has been made since my last visit in 2009.

It is amazing to ride in a boat and stumble upon a herd of elephants crossing the river.

It is amazing to see people living in grass huts with no plumbing or air conditioning, but they do have a satellite dish, TV, and a smart phone.

It is amazing to write a blog post from a lodge 20 miles from a city that is 100 miles from any sign of civilization.

It is amazing to see such big smiles from kids when you give them candy.

It is amazing to give a few people an entirely new vocation in less than a week. The group we are training was hand picked because they have spent time in jail and need a better way to feed their families.

It is amazing to be here with a really wonderful guy I really like.

It will be amazing to continue on with him to Kenya this weekend.

I am amazed, impressed and thankful.

Arrogant or Stupid?

"Sometimes people, even Presidents, say the stupidest things."

One of our customers recently put up a banner at his business. Yeah, the business he started from scratch and now employs 600 people. Yeah, the business he sacrificed for and struggled with and nurtured along like a parent raises a child. Yeah, the business he made - the antithesis of the millions of Americans who punch in at 9:12, out at 4:48, take an hour and a little for lunch and bitch about how little money they make.

As a political cynic, who believes that neither party has my best interests in mind, a clue what to do to make the economy better or any idea what to do about the spiraling debt or the consequences thereof, I am not taking sides on the political front.

But this guy does have a point.

I get what Obama was saying. The reason small business can start and grow and thrive and make money is because of the infrastructure established and maintained by the government. Everything from roads and transportation to legal concepts and judicial contract enforcement to a stable financial system to the military and foreign policy arm of the government comes together to allow people to start a business and live the American Dream.

The same infrastructure allows people to just get a job, do what they need to do to get by and enjoy life with other priorities outside of the business paradigm.

But the way Obama presented his argument was offensive to a lot of people who are going the extra mile and doing it well - and providing employment to hundreds in the process. Obama's comment was arrogant and provocative, not to mention pretty much wrong.

Obama (and a whole lot of other people) have forgotten that the single biggest difference between the U.S.A. and the post WWII Soviet Bloc behind the Iron Curtain is people like Butch. People who are allowed to take risks, enjoy rewards, make little business grow into bigger ones, employee people and pay taxes.etc.

I understand Obama's point. But it could be equally argued that the government in it's current not-so-glorious-form could not exist without whatever Obama claims small business owners didn't create.

I wish we had a serious candidate for President who I could be proud to vote for and proud of once elected. Do I live in a fairy tale world?

Connections

"Music consists of notes, chords, scales and rhythm."

I have always thought that the Universe resembles music more than any other model. Music is made up of notes. But a note in itself is not the important thing. The way notes connect through scales, chords, rhythm, melody, counter melody, etc -- in other words the way notes are related -- is what makes music.

Life is about connections, relationships, stories unfolding and developing and mixing together. It's this way in nature, in humanity and in every facet of philosophy, religion and thought. This concept drives Science crazy, but oh well.

So, along the lines of connections, I'm going back to Zambia this fall. I'm going with a team to drill a water well and teach some Zambians how to use the equipment to drill more after we're gone. With all of the differences between Oklahoma and rural Zambia, one thing that is the same is the need for clean, potable water. But there, kids get eaten occasionally by alligators as they draw dirty water from a river for their families. I am passionate about fixing that.

So connect the dot to a relatively new acquaintance who I see every Wednesday as we take food to homeless people here in Oklahoma City. He has spent time in Kenya, and works with food, education and orphanage programs there - just like what we're trying to build in Zambia. I invited him to go with us. He said, "Yes".

So, since we're going to be over there anyway, we're going to take a couple of extra days and go see his people in Kenya too.

I wonder how many more dots will connect before this is all said and done? Talk about excited!

Let the music continue, and continue to increase!

Low Hanging Fruit and Slow, Fat Rabbits

"Man, did I get my butt chewed out!"

We had an excellent service Sunday at church. It was one of those services where God seemed to show up and tell everyone, "Things are changing and I am the Architect. New things are coming, and you need to be ready. Seek Me first and the things with which I have to do and you will see My power and impact in everything around you."

I love services like that. And, although I am biased more toward the intellectual side of life than the emotional side, I believe it. All of it.

I left church motivated, ready, hungry, excited, etc. Then I thought about how many of these services I been in before. The service last Sunday could have happened (and probably did) in 1979 at another little church less than two miles away where I attended with my Grandma and Great Grandma.

I mentioned this observation to God on my way to my car, and became just a little frustrated that we keep having services like this and nothing really changes. "God," says I, "I've been hearing this for years. What do I need to do to be more ready, more prepared? What do you wamt me to do? Where do you want me to jump in? Why wind me all up and then just go back to life as usual? Whazzup?"

About the time I closed the car door, the Universe stood still long enough for me to immediately hear the following dialogue, all at once:

"You've got to be kidding me!

"Why don't we start by doing some of the things we've been talking about for years. Get your butt back to the gym and lose 20 lbs. Take a little pride in what I have done in and around your life, and show it by being strong and healthy! And eat better and quit smoking.

"While you're at it, how about showing some respect for where you work. Quit going in at 10:30 and sleeping half of the afternoon away. If you don't have enough work to do, clean the place up and help others do their jobs better. Your job deserves more respect, attention and effort than you're putting into it presently.

"You've got less to complain about and more to rejoice about than 98% of the people on the planet. And you're frustrated about what exactly?

"There are things in life that I have to do. And I am both faithful and competent to do them whenever and however I choose. But there are things you can do too. Get off of your ass and get them done, then talk to Me about being frustrated about what I don't do fast enough to suit you."

"Um..." says me again. "You're right, of course. Can we forget about this conversation altogother?

"Sure. And we can have it all over again next week, which explains why you've been hearing it since 1979."

I was discussing all of this with a friend who had a similar experience last weekend. He said there was a lot of low hanging fruit and many slow, fat rabbits that are within reach.

We need to take advantage of those before we get frustrated about the rest.

Eight Years and 33.5 Million Dollars Ago ...

"I almost forgot Mr. Happy's Halloween!"

Yes, folks, it's that time again: The day I remember watching over thirteen years of hard work to make a medical software business successful go up in smoke.

I'm way over it now.

I'm way over my old business partner and his absolute religious committment to serving his checking account balance. I'm way over being asked to leave as if I didn't own half of the place. I'm way over what could have been.

I'm way over the first gay guy I ever fell for, whose religious committment to drugs, booze and the gay lifestyle has rendered him more like Smeagol than the guy I loved so much. (Although, to this day he is a very pretty Smeagol. I still miss my friend.)

I'm so far over it, I almost forgot to document the number that to me has always proven beyond doubt that I'm better off now than I ever would have been then. That number is the total cumulative sales number from July 28, 2004 up to and including today at the family business I work with now. Although I don't own it, I am and have been as instrumental in its success as I tried to be at the old company.

The number that makes this year's Halloween feel like Thanksgiving is:

$33,512,991

Just Make Sandwiches and Shut Up

"It's one thing to debate qualified people, but Chicken Flippers?"

First, they make a damn good chicken sandwich.

Why they (or anyone else on the planet) think that makes them qualified to say anything at all about gay marriage is beyond me.

By that logic, I can tie my shoes and therefore I should be President of the United States. (Hell, Dubya made it.) I can make toast, therefore I can make foreign policy decisions? Really?

Even a casual overview of my blog will show that I am a gay Christian, and passionate about closing the gap between the two. I can make my case for anyone who will listen. I can debate the subject with anyone. I can (I think) win any legitimate argument on the subject hands down.

I would love to sit down with some real homophobic Christians and show them my math, help them overcome their error, teach them what I have learned. There are many people I respect greatly who disagree with same sex marriage and gay rights in general. But my contention is that they haven't really had to look closely at the issues, the people and the logic involved in this paradigm. The sound byte from Leviticus is good enough.

But why would any sane person engage that debate with a bunch of people who figured out how to fry a chicken, add a pickle and call it lunch?

This makes no sense at all.

The Edge of the Universe

"What happens in Vegas shows up on YouTube in the morning. -NOT!"

Well, vacation is over. Everything except the Blackjack was wonderful.

We had a great trip, and it was just long enough.  We did the shows, the gambling, the shopping, the people watching, the over eating...basically the whole Vegas deal.

The best show was Donny and Marie. My expectations weren't very high, and it was a great show. The Titanic exhibit was awesome as well. They've built several new masterpiece hotels since I was last there, and those are impressive to the point of intimidation.

All of that I expected, and enjoyed completely. One thing that was different about this trip compared to my usual excursions is the hotel. We stayed off strip at the Tuscany Hotel. It actually had a really nice pool area in which to unwind and detox from the typical Vegas flare. It was really nice to be able to get away from all of the stuff I went there to see and do for a while each morning. I was able to relax with my typical morning coffee and hot tub time to which I have become addicted over the past few years.

Then, since it was my friend's birthday, we did the Gay Club scene. We found a place called 'Share', and went in for a drink. The bar was as dead as the Park in Oklahoma City. Nobody was there. We asked what was up and were told that the real fun was upstairs. There was a $20 cover, but we paid it and climbed the staircase.

Who knew that the very edge of the universe was that close? Sure as hell not me.

What we walked into ... well, we don't have those in Oklahoma. Some of the prettiest guys I've ever seen were totally available (for a fee, of course). And that's all you're gonna hear from me about that.

It was definitely an eye opening, horizon broadening experience. It's not my world, and it's not my destiny. But for a few hours it was a lot of fun. The sun came up long before we made it back to the hotel that particular night.

Hot As Hell Vacation Starts Now!

"Out of the Frying Pan into the Fire!"

I am officially on vacation! Leaving tomorrow for a few days of Donnie and Marie (is that gay or what?), Dancing With the Stars Las Vegas, The Beetles Cirque Du Soleil, lots of blackjack (I hope), great food, afternoon naps (like that's any different than normal), late night bars (I wonder if that really cute Cuban guy still works at Krave?), and some quality time (no, not that kind...get out of the ghetto!) with a good friend from Houston.

Now, if I could just get a freak arctic front to blow through there and drop the temperatures by, oh, 40 degrees should do it. That would be a vacation!

Las Vegas, Here we come! It's been several years, and I am looking forward to having as good a time as last time. I really need a break.

But I sure would like to ask the Godfather why they didn't start Las Vegas somewhere in Montana. It would be cooler there in July, and more scenic if by chance the blackjack makes us take the consolation drive to the Hoover Dam or the Valley of Fire.

But alas, Vegas is in Nevada, and it's hotter than hell there just now.

I am therefore going to have a great time anyway.

Thunder Pride

"A Little Thunder is all it takes to Beat the Heat!"

One of life's greatest privileges is to be proud of something without reservation. The pleasure of being proud is enhanced if you feel like you have a role in creating the thing you are proud of, but even a distant association with something worthy of praise and recognition is cool. That's the way I feel about the Oklahoma City Thunder.

I'm not an NBA fan. For the most part, I think the NBA consists of thugs and gang bangers that would probably be in prison if they weren't making millions playing basketball. I'm not a student of the sport, so I don't get the nuances of the game. If the game is any good, only the last 2 minutes matter, and if the game is not good, none of it matters. It seems to me like they could accomplish everything involved with one jump shot, and whoever wins that wins the game.

But the reality is that, second only to soccer, NBA Basketball is the most watched and followed sport in the whole world. And tonight, OKC has home court advantage in Game 1 of the NBA Finals against the Miami Heat.

And I am really proud of our team.

First, overall they seem to be really good guys. Durant and Westbrook just don't fit the typical NBA mold discussed above. The whole team seems like a group of really good guys that care about each other and want something bigger and better than any of them could have individually. I'm proud of them.

And they're pretty damn good too. They beat Dallas, those filthy Lakers and the Spurs to get to the finals. You don't get through three 7 game series on beginner's luck. Those guys played hard, and played well, and earned the position they have taken. I'm proud of them.

And the future looks bright. I'm sure that salary caps will eventually disperse the team to other NBA franchises, but not for the next couple of seasons. And at their current level, I don't think anyone will be able to challenge them in the near term. Wow. It looks like we've got more than a basketball team. We've got the beginnings of an NBA Championship caliber dynasty. I'm proud of them.

And the entire city has coagulated around this team like flies on a donut. OKC, with all of its faults, knows what it means to come together. And it's a whole lot more fun to come together around a basketball team than around a tragedy like the 1995 bombing. This weekend I was out and about, and people were stacked up to buy their Thunderwear. I think everyone in the city has at least three Thunder shirts and a hat. It is wonderful that the community has something to gather around and support, even if it's just a basketball team. I'm proud of them

I don't know much about basketball. But I know what I'm proud of. And I'm proud of the Thunder. There's nothing like a good thunderstorm to cool off a hot day. And there's nothing like the Thunder to beat the Heat for the NBA Championship. Bring it on!

40 Years Ago Today...

"I've made many decisions I'd like to have back, but not this one."

Forty years ago today, when I was nine years old attending Vacation Bible School at some backwards Baptist church, I made a decision to become a Christian. All of life taken together, it has been the one decision that has had the most impact on me - then and now.

I've second guessed that decision many times, of course. I've asked myself what made me able to make such a decision when I was that young and stick to it all these years. But Christianity, for me, passes all of those tests. I'm proud of who I am, and my identity is lost in Christ and everything He represents.

I don't have a story of being delivered from some great evil or being brought back from the edge of the universe, or being healed of some terrible disease. Other people have such stories, and many are legitimate. But those are not my story.

My story is of a faithful and effective connection between my deepest self and the God that created me and everything else on purpose, for purpose, in joyful anticipation of a destiny that is good. And at least through the lens of being 49 years old now, it seems like it was always that way even 40 years ago.

I remember being in High School when others did things I knew to be wrong. But I was Baptized, and those things weren't an option for me. Without criticizing them, I knew that my life needed to be different.

When I ran my own business, principles that I absorbed through Christianity found their way into every decision I made. I genuinely tried to make decisions that were in the best interests of my employees and customers, and that honored God and accomplished good things.

As I have grown older, my understanding of Christianity have grown, refined, coagulated and matured. But I don't think my passion has changed at all. I want to be everything that God created me to be, and I want to reflect and honor Him with all that I am - just like I did when I was 9 years old.

Oddly enough, I think being gay really helped the process of fervently developing my knowledge and commitment to Christ. Over and over again, the two seemed to collide. If indeed a gay Christian was (or is) an oxymoron, I choose Christ without reservation.

Had I been raised in an environment that could tolerate a gay Christian, had I known then what I know now, had I been pushed earlier in life to really think through the issues involved, my life would have been different and arguably better. But that isn't what happened. In my life before I turned 40, the two were mutually exclusive, and I chose one and rejected the other.

And today, as I look back over 40 years of being in Christ, it is wonderful to do so without regret. I am very thankful and excited to stand with Christ and all of the good things he brings to life. And given the cards I was dealt, I wouldn't change a thing.

Angles? What a Stinkhole!

"Please pardon me while I bitch for a moment."

Those of you who follow(ed) my blog (when I was doing it regularly) know that on Wednesdays, I get together with several humanitarian groups and take food from the Oklahoma Food Bank out to some of the homeless camps around town.

About six weeks ago, we added a stop to one of the routes smack in the middle of the Notorious Oklahoma City Gay Ghetto, right in the parking lot of the biggest shithole down there, aka Angles Club.

Once upon a time, the club was a pretty OK place to go. I remember spending New Year's Eve there in 2001-2002. I had a great time.

The place has deteriorated significantly since then. They can't even manage to stay open at all except for special events. Nobody goes there. It's pretty bad when someplace is too skanky for the skanky part of town it is in.

Anyway, we're there giving out boxes of food to people who are having a hard time in life (and probably need to make better decisions, and probably whatever...) Nonetheless, we're just giving away food. Everyone deserves a bridge to tomorrow, no matter what their past is like.

The last time we were there, I met a kid named Robert who probably isn't as old as my #3 of Six Nephew. He is in the final stages of HIV/AIDS. That kid lives in hell. There's no way he has lived long enough to screw up bad enough to deserve the hell he's walking through right now. It really hurt me to see him. He hasn't even had a chance to live yet, and he's dying - right now - a horrible death. Is it that bad of a thing that we gave him some food to eat? The rest of the world gave up on him long ago. If someone has to walk through hell, do they really have to do it alone? Really?

So today, we're back. And the kid in the previous paragraph didn't show up. But the super efficient (super fat, super belligerent, super stupid, super loudmouth, super bitch) security guard from Angles did. She tells us we have to leave. The guys I'm with try to explain that we have permission to be there, who we got permission from, when, etc, etc. She isn't buying it. She starts calling the Food Bank to complain about us (like what we're doing is so terrible) and goes off on the guy driving the truck. Amazing that those people at Angles are so proud of something so rank and worthless.

What a pig she is, and what a shithole Angles is.

I'm never going in there again - not even to pee!

For the record, we treat the people coming to get free food with far more dignity, respect and courtesy than the staff (and by association, the management and ownership) of Angles treated us. In case you can't tell, I resent the hell out of it.

47 (48), 48 (48), 49 (48?)

"It's My Birthday, Let's Eat!"

When I turned 47, I thought it was my 48th Birthday. So I got two 48th Birthdays because by the time I turned 48 I figured out my mistake. So...can I stay 48 one more year and skip 49? But then I'd have to go from 48 to 50 all at once.

Hell...I guess I better be 49 and quit playing Birthday games.

But for my birthday, everyone wanted to go out to eat. Here I am wanting to move more and eat less, and everyone else thinks we should eat a lot. A recap of Birthday Food:

Thursday, Chicken Stroganoff from Cafe Brasil and a Heath Bar candy apple. From the Arts Festival in Downtown OKC, followed my Nachos at the Redhawks game (on dollar beer night, no less) with my two oldest nephews. I was late to work Friday.

Friday, Cattleman's Steak House. I had a rib-eye, house salad with house dressing, baked potato with everything, some lamb fries (yuck!), two glasses of wine and coconut cream pie. Then we went to the Lobby Bar on Western and drank more beer. The bartender wouldn't give us a tab since it was my birthday. My friend insisted on buying. And for the very first time ever in my whole life, I had two guys fighting over who was paying for my booze. Man, I should drink more!

Saturday, back to the Arts Festival and a variety of food. It was great, but won't sound good all listed together. I also bought two new pics for my living room walls from David Mayhew Photography. With a theme of 'Rainbows and Road Trips', I bet you can look through the web site and find the two I bought.  Oh never mind, Here's One. Here's the Other. "Happy Birthday to Me..."

Sunday my brother cooked Chicken Enchiladas with all the trimmings. I ate until I couldn't hardly breathe. And drank some more beer. Gawd!

Monday, Calamari with bread and Sangria to drink followed by Chicken Alfredo and summore Sangria. Then to the second game of the first round of NBA Playoffs and my first ever OKC Thunder basketball game (and more beer). Footnote: I think I may be the last person in the whole state to actually go to a Thunder game. Wow.

Anyway, there you have it. My 49th Birthday 'Eat Everything In Sight' Weekend. I may be hungry again in time for the big 50!

Jeepers!

"I really wanted a brand new 1997 Ford Explorer."

OK, I've offocially had it with my 2010 Ford Fusion that Obama's Cash for Clunkers program stuck me with. Before I got it, I was driving a 1997 Ford Explorer, and loved it. But alas, it had over 200,000 miles on it and was showing signes of high maintenance bills.

So, in August, 2010, I got the fusion. Loved the gas milage. Other than that I hated the damn thing. It's not the Fusion's fault. It's just a car. I want another Explorer.

But the new Explorer's have two fatal problems. First they are $40K for a nice one. Get a grip! Second, they aren't Explorers anymore. They are really nice cars that look like SUV's sort of and are called Explorers. But they aren't.

Well, I finally solved all of this and got a Jeep Wrangler Sport! I love it!

I should have done this years ago!

And...Yeah, Life Is Good!

For The First Time In 27 Years...

"Happy Valentine's Day To Me (?)"

Well, as is my custom and lot in life, I gave myself a Valentine's Day present again this year. If I had someone else in life to give me one, I wouldn't have to do it myself. But I don't...so...

My Valentine's Day present to myself this year is to quit smoking.

I did so on February 14th. Since then I've cheated a few times. But I don't think I have smoked a half of one pack since. I haven't smoked at all since Sunday morning.

Yes, I'm climing the walls. And nobody wants to be around me just now.

Yes, I'm doing every trick in the book. I'm taking Welbutrin, using two nicotine patches, Nicotine losenges and an e-cigarette (I call it my rescue inhaler). But I'm not smoking.

And, No. I don't feel better. In fact I feel like crap. This is a surprise. I thought I'd feel a whole lot better.

And I'm trying not to eat more than usual.

But I'm not smoking.

A New Start

"Vada a bordo, cazzo!"

Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver yesterday. It's wonderful, and really inspiring, that life gives each of us a new start every now and then, isn't it?

Alright Folks, It's A Wrap!

"See Ya In The Funny Papers."

I started blogging November 22, 2010. I've decided to end my blog today. My decision to stop blogging is somewhat arbitrary, as was my decision to start blogging in the first place. I want to tell everyone who reads my blog how much I appreciate your help in keeping me engaged in the process. I have never had the diligence to keep a journal this long before, and the fact that someone is reading it has been invaluable in helping me keep it going as long as I did.

As you can see from my stats page, my readership has grown during the year. I had 16 page hits last November. So far this month, there are 630.

But I feel like I sometimes feel after overeating a large, good meal. I'm stuffed and satisfied, and done.

It seems appropriate to talk about Momentum since I've been discussing it all year. I think that I've made a lot of forward progress this year riding the wave of Momentum in my life. But the easiest way to measure that progress is by looking at the things I've left behind. I think that's good and healthy for me just now. I look forward to the continuing impact that Momentum brings to me and to that with which I have to do. May the Momentum continue, and continue to increase.

And as I bring this chapter of life to a close, I want to emphasize how much I have enjoyed the past year. I will always remember my blog time as one of the cool things I've done in life. But now I want to spend some time enjoying the Holidays, read more, think a little less, be more focused and productive at work and find my way back to the gym so I can try to lose 20 lbs. 

Thank You again for reading my blog. With all of my heart, I want to wish you well. May you realize your highest good and deepest joy in the days and years ahead.

Post Of The Year Award

"As the One Year mark for my blog approaches, I decided to pick what I think is the best post of the year and re-post it today. I'm surprised I haven't written more prose on my blog. This is the only poem that made the cut. I love its message, both literally and metaphorically with respect to the oxymoron around which my blog  revolves.

So without further adieu, give it up for Mr. Happy's Post of the Year."


OF FATHERS AND GAY SONS

There once was a father named Ray
Who found out his son, Chris, is gay.
He shouted and stammered and threw a big fit,
Let’s just say it ruined his day.
"What did I do? Where did I go wrong?
We never raised you this way!
We taught you what’s right. We showed you the Light.
How dare you turn out to be gay?!”

Now Chris is ashamed and embarrassed.
He’d tried so hard not to be careless.
And now all is lost. His father, the cost.
His life slipped from scary to hopeless.
"What can I do now? Someone show me how
To be what he wants me to be.
I’ve tried and I’ve prayed. These feelings have stayed.
There’s no way for me to be free.”

The tension between them grew worse over time.
A dad’s disappointment and son’s intertwine.
Ray doesn’t get it, and Chris can’t retreat.
There’s no way to say, “In the middle, let’s meet”.
If left unattended, this tension will flash,
Harsh words and actions will end in a clash.
There’s all kinds of wisdom and doctrines and such,
But heartache and sadness, none of them touch.

To Chris, let me say that your father’s not mad.
He’s scared for your future and should be. He’s Dad.
His children, you see, are the joy of his life,
Seconded only by love for his wife.
Gay life is sex, drugs, diseases and more.
To think of you living that life makes him roar!
From his point of view, you’re throwing away
That which is precious to choose to be gay.

So don’t be upset when he’s doing his job.
You want him beside you if you face a mob.
Fathers are bold, with the heart of a lion
That makes us proud. But sometimes means cryin’.
You know if you’re hurt or in trouble at all
He’ll be there beside you to cushion the fall.
So give him some leeway as he tries to cope
With issues and questions outside of his scope.

Oh Ray, can’t you see by the dawn’s early light
Your son is the same guy he was just last night.
Nothing about him has changed since before
You found out his secret. He isn’t a whore
Or druggie or anything else that you fear.
He’s still Chris, no matter what else you hear.
It’s so hard to tell you. It’s so hard to lie.
Now it’s all out there. Don’t make him cry.

So Ray, grab your son in a healing embrace!
Tell him you love him and get off his case!
It’s not like he planned this whole thing in advance,
What’s happened has happened. Maybe by chance
He’s not headed for hell or a doom and gloom life.
The last thing he needs now is this kind of strife.
Before he is anything else, good or bad,
He is your own son. Now you be the dad!

The Sacred Things

"Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground."

I know, Catholicism says there are seven Sacraments. Protestants only think three of them are important. Without any disrespect to them and without trying to devalue the Sacraments in any way, I want to broaden the definition of Sacred.

My perspective is that any time the temporal, physical world overlaps and connects with the eternal world, that intersection is sacred. That happens, for example, anytime I pick up my guitar or sit down at my piano and begin to worship God with music. Whenever I close my eyes and go to God in prayer, that is a sacred thing. Sometimes I feel that whenever I get dressed to intentionally go out and do something that represents God and His character, even the act of getting dressed is sacred.

God told Moses to take off his shoes, for "THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE STANDING" is holy. Religious people feel that they have to go to someplace sacred or perform some ceremony to enter into sacred things. I think that everywhere I go is sacred - work, the bars, church, even sitting here writing, right now.

Life is sacred, and by design everything with which we have to do is sacred. The problem is in the implementation. Will I acknowledge that the place where I am standing is holy ground, treat it as such and honor the God who made it holy? Will I take off my shoes and eliminate the barriers that keep me from experiencing the holy, sacred nature of this place, right here, right now?

Or will i reject that perspective completely and consider the ground I am standing on as a resource to be consumed, an opportunity to take from it (and others who occupy it) whatever I want and whatever I think I can benefit from?

People who don't get the Christian story (and a hell of a lot of them are in church every week) don't understand that the place where we stand is owned by our family. As such, it already belongs to us. We don't have to take it, drain it, abuse it, steal it, milk it for everything it's worth because it is already our inheritance. Anything we do to extract its benefits for our own gain is counterproductive. We're burning down our own houses and stealing our own money.

The sacred things in life do not involve the transfer of pleasure, wealth, value or recognition from something else to us. From an accounting prospective, those transactions offset each other anyway.

Things are sacred because we recognize, honor, reflect and express the values and character of the One who created them into every nook and cranny of the life we have been given. So let's embrace the sacred things with joy and enthusiasm, knowing that today, this place, this time and this life are sacred.

The Special Things

"I'm on the top of the world and looking down on creation,"

Every now and then, life provides something really special: an event or a song or a thought or a relationship that lifts us our hearts and makes us feel like we're on the top of the world. Part of the worldview that life is not random is that I can hold these moments close and revisit them whenever I find myself slipping into depression or feeling the futility and drudgery of everyday routines.

Like a thermal draft that helps the eagle soar, these episodes and the thoughts that go with them lift our spirits and give us hope. I can still close my eyes and relive several moments from the bottom of the Grand Canyon that I actually experienced in 1989. I remember the day I was good enough, the time I won a fight with the IRS, the first time I rented a car at an airport and drove through a strange city to a new place (that might seem mundane to you, but in the context of my story it was an amazing, wonderful thing).

These special things don't just apply to each of us individually. They apply to our families, our nation, humanity and any subset thereof. With all that's wrong with our country, a sense of national pride permeates the problems and there is hope. This pride is based on our special moments as a country when the world was right and we did the right thing.

It's not in our best interests, individually or corporately, to allow these special things in life to be eroded by bitterness, anger, cynicism or any other such disease. We need these times because their antithesis will make itself known often enough. For Christians, the image of the empty tomb with the stone rolled away or the baby in a manger under the Christmas star are powerful, healing, necessary images.They give hope and reassurance not to be found anywhere else in life. Those who dismiss those images through skepticism or ridicule are denied their benefits.

For the rest of us, those images and all of the special moments in life serve to teach us that life is not futile or meaningless. On the contrary, these special things are but a foretaste of eternity.

So, let us rejoice and be thankful for the special things - the gifts from a loving God through a universe created to provide them. Let us hold on to and respect the special things in our past, and look forward to experiencing many more as life unfolds. The special things make life good, and creates something inside of us called happiness.

The Simple Thngs

"Love God Completely, Love People Unconditionally and Love Life Enthusiastically."

Is it really that simple? Well, yeah, kind of. When we make life more complicated that that, it gets harder. Thoughts, opinions, interpretations, worldviews and experience all add their two cents on how to keep it this simple, and by the time these things get all tangled up inside our heads, there's no place left for simple. At least that's how it works with me.

The embarrassing thing is that at first glance the barflies, druggies and homeless people are a lot better at this simple concept than those of us who believe in destiny, eternity, higher calling and a life of significance. The shallow meaning behind the quote above is along the same lines as, "Live and Let Live", "Don't Worry, Be Happy" or "It's All Good."

But how do you watch a four year old wander out into the street in heavy traffic and not react intentionally, judgmentally and emotionally? How can I watch someone give his life to the guy that lives in a bottle of booze, knowing from experience the outcome of that, and not object strenuously? I can tell you absolutely that I will never say, "Live and Let Live" if I see a football coach rape a 10 year old in the shower. It isn't going to happen, and people can call me all the names they want to.

Sometimes it seems like "Love God Completely" and "Love People Unconditionally" are mutually exclusive statements. Over the past year, those who have followed my blog know that (from my perspective) a really good guy that I once highly respected, depended on and appreciated more than I can express has changed into something, well, other than that. Am I supposed to watch that and love him unconditionally? "Live and Let Live", and tell myself that it's none of my business?

If I did, how would that translate into either loving God or loving him?

We live in a world divided: Right and Wrong, Stupid and Wise, Light and Dark, Life and Death, Good and Evil, Beneficial and Self Destructive. I didn't create this paradigm, but to deny it is just a self delusional lie.

But the simplicity of the quote at the top of this post calls to me ever louder. Lay down the struggles, don't sweat the small stuff (and it's all small stuff), live my life with integrity and compassion, and let the chips fall where they may. Let God be God, and just focus on being me.

I wish I knew how to do this. Don't you? Why can't we all just get along?

The Small Things

"We cannot do great things in this life, only small things with great love."

I was half thinking that I've been borderline pissed off and feeling sorry for myself this week when I ran across the Mother Theresa quote above. It was at the bottom of my order confirmation when I ordered a few Obi Bands from BeadForLife.org. Obi means Heart, and this is a humanitarian organization helping women and children in Uganda and Nigeria. If I have to buy symbolic Christmas presents for a few guys, the proceeds might as well help someone. Plus, these bracelet things look cool. But I digress.

I was half thinking that I've been borderline pissed off and feeling sorry for myself this week when I got a call from a friend of the family who makes cigarettes for me. Several months ago, I started rolling my own. Then I found out that this family friend had purchased a machine like mine, and was rolling smokes for people to make just a little money. He's a painter by trade, has been doing it forever and is pretty good considering that he can't see as well as I can. Now he can't hardly work but still has a spouse, a granddaughter and her three kids to feed. By paying him to make my cigs, I help feed his family and still save $25 per carton.

I was half thinking that I've been borderline pissed off and feeling sorry for myself this week when I made arrangements to pick up cigs for mom and me, and I remembered that I had a couple of boxes of food left over from last Wednesday. I know my friend can use the food, but I don't want to humiliate him in any way. I asked him last night whether he knew anyone who needed some food, and (it being near the end of the month) he said he and his family could really use some. I'm glad I had some to give, in addition to the money for the smokes.

I was half thinking that I've been borderline pissed off and feeling sorry for myself this week when I realized that today is the day to pass out food again. I contrast these people's prospect for Thanksgiving dinner with mine, and realize that my family will be sitting around eating turkey and lamenting that nobody in my family can make dressing for shit while the homeless people I will see today will be thankful for anything at all to eat.

I was half thinking that I've been borderline pissed off and feeling sorry for myself this week when Nephew #1 of Six came by to borrow $200 basically because he didn't manage his money very well this summer and got behind on his electric bill. Of course, my bro is out of town. I either loaned him some money or gave him an early Christmas present. My bro would probably disapprove of the transaction, but I did the same for him over and over 20 years ago.

I was half thinking that I've been borderline pissed off and feeling sorry for myself this week when I ran across the Mother Theresa quote above. I began to realize how many small things I do with great love. It's always been that way, and I expect it always will. I know I'm an enigma, and not good enough. But there are thousands of small things that stand as evidence in my life that I have nothing to feel sorry for myself about, and much to be thankful for.

Retail Therapy

"$399, Now $250, Do I hear $225?"

Black Friday is almost here. Last September, I mentioned that I wanted a tablet computer but was waiting for the price wars to take hold before I bought one.

Thanks to Amazon and the Kindle Fire, as well as the next generation of tablets on the way, the price for the one I want will drop from $399 to $250 on Black Friday at Best Buy.

Since I can't see very well, the tablet world is a bit risky for me. The Nook 1 from Barnes and Noble was a really great feasibility test. I really love that thing. But a tablet, in addition to a backlit ereader, has a lot of other apps I think I could use - if I can see the damn thing.

I almost bought the Nook Color, and now Barnes and Noble has announced a real tablet. I've been holding out for the Asus eee Transformer mainly because of the 10.1 inch screen. Just trying to hedge my bet a little.

Today it came out that Best Buy is running a Black Friday special on the eee Transformer for $250 and the matching keyboard/docking station deal for $99.

Hmmm. Somebody will surely beat that. Soon - before Black Friday. If not, I'll be standing in line at Best Buy at Midnight on Thanksgiving to get mine.

God, I hope I love it as much as I love my Nook.

Ain't Christmas shopping fun?

Maybe I Should Be More Pathetic

"Maestro, please queue the violins..."

I find myself unable to be pathetic enough to make appointments to spend time with someone seven to ten days in advance, only to have them cancelled at the last minute.

This is my latest addition to the list of things I am not pathetic enough to endure.

At the top of the list is not being good enough when everyone else on the planet is.

The list also includes:

trying to relate to ghetto-fags at the bars,

spending time with guys who can no longer make it at the bars but still want to,

embracing guys who found their way to church only after the 'gay lifestyle' has eaten so much of their minds, hearts and souls that there just isn't anything left,

40+ year old guys who have no clue what they want to do with their lives, who they are or what they stand for,

Oh Yeah, I've also learned not to dig through another man's trash. It's sitting on the curb for a reason.

I have the growing feeling that unless I learn to be more pathetic, lower my expectations and rid myself of any sense of self-worth, I will never really be part of the gay world. I did a Google search to find an online study program in proficient patheticism, but didn't come up with anything.

Maybe I could spend the next few years of my life letting down people who care about me (and who I care about too). Would that help me be more pathetic? It seems to have worked for others.

I think I'll just shake my head and move on...again.

Sad But True?

"Come on, it ain't THAT bad. Or is it?"

They sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!

In response to the question: "List all dependents?", I replied -

12 million illegal immigrants
3 million crack heads
42 million unemployable people on food stamps
2 million people in over 243 prisons
Half of Mexico
535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Geese And Ganders

"Man, Did I hit a raw nerve or what?"

I had no idea the comparison between the scandals at Penn State and the Catholic Church would be such a hot topic yesterday. Within four hours, my post on that subject received more page hits than anything I've ever posted before. By the end of the day, yesterday's post had received five times as many views as any previous post. Wow. I was totally unprepared for that.

I know that I am appalled by the goings on at Penn State. I was appalled at the Catholic Priest abuse scandal too. But I had not idea that so many people were relating the two together.

For the record, all Catholics - or even all Catholic Priests - should not be held accountable for the perverse and unthinkable actions of a few. Not all Arabs or Muslims should be considered terrorists. It is bogus to associate the Penn State football fans, obviously disappointed by Paterno's termination, with the terrible things that happened there.

This is exactly what Catholics and other conservative groups have done to the gay world forever. And it's just wrong.

There are indeed creepy gay guys, just as there are really creepy straight guys, really creepy Catholic priests, really creepy Muslim terrorists and really creepy football coaches. But to associate the whole people group with the creepiest elements of that group is always a catastrophic error.

There are really good, quality Catholics (and Priests), football coaches, Muslims and gay guys. We need to look for these guys and give them the respect and acclaim they deserve. To cut these people down to the level of the creepy people inside of any ethos means we miss out on a lot of good things that good people from all walks of life have to offer.