Universal Momentum

"Sometimes it's good to go with the flow."

Part of the Christian worldview that I believe in is a concept I call "Universal Momentum". The basics of this concept are:

• The universe was created intentionally, in a single and ongoing act of creative energy by God. He created the universe as part of a plan, with goals that are inherently good. As such, the universe was created in an atmosphere of joyful anticipation, and is today filled to the brim with excitement, joy, a driving purpose and a bias toward honoring and exalting its Creator.
• Everything in the universe is a coherent, intentional part of the initial creation. Nothing exists by accident and nothing is incidental or insignificant. Everything that exists has a role to play in what might best be called "The Great Dance", and nothing that was created is meaningless, worthless or irrelevant.
• The universe was created with a destiny or consummation in mind from the beginning. There is a fulfillment or a completion point to creation that has not been attained. Time is a tool created to facilitate the process of a universal life-cycle that began with creation and ends with consummation. 
• The whole universe, acted on by the force of creation, moves forward in time toward the point to it all with enthusiasm, unity of purpose and unstoppable precision, as it was designed to do from the beginning.

Humanity (and each human) uniquely has the choice of participating in or denying this universal momentum. I can be a part of the glory of it all, or I can choose not to. If I choose not to participate in the universal momentum, where does that leave me? In the abyss. In the void. There is no other place to be.

It is my contention that by accepting my role in the context of universal momentum, I gain the help and support of the whole created universe. The bias of the whole universe is to bring about the consummation as a mother in labor brings forth the child.  My momentum, when aligned with universal momentum, makes me part of the inherently good consummation God intended when He created the whole thing.

It is my contention that when my actions are in line and congruent with the motion of universal momentum, I join an overwhelming chorus - a tsunami of creation running headlong toward a destiny that is far better than I could ever have imagined.

It is my contention that this is the normal state of being for humans. The disconnect we see in this world, that seems so overbearing at times, is not the norm. It is the exception. It is merely a temporary illusion that cannot last. Sound cannot travel in a vacuum, and therefore never leaves our atmosphere. Even though the earth is very noisy, the remainder of the universe never hears it. So it is with everything that does not line up with the momentum of the universe. It all just fades away.

In 2011, more than ever before, I want to align myself with this universal momentum. I want to be a part of the purpose and destiny of creation. I want to do it right - not that I'm afraid of doing it wrong, I just don't want to be that way.

Come with me! It's going to be a hell of a ride!

(Why on earth would anyone in his right mind not want to believe this?)

MOMENTUM 2011

"MOMENTUM: Forward movement, growth, change, transformation – an ever increasing understanding of the purpose for my life, my place in the world of men, and where the two intersect."

Momentum is a wonderful and dangerous thing. Momentum is the place where energy and mass - or a given set of circumstances - meet and have impact. The law of momentum is that whatever energy is added to a given situation will continue to push that situation in the direction in which the energy was released unless until the situation is effected by another force.

If energy applied to a situation is positive, productive energy, momentum is wonderful. It will propel us forward in life, relationships, well-being and wholeness. If the energy is negative, self destructive or harmful, momentum is a curse.

The concepts of momentum apply to each of us individually, and to any group of people including nations and even the world at large. Global warming is an example of global momentum that will impact life on this planet for generations to come. The Federal Deficit carries momentum that will impact the US (and consequently every other) economy for decades.

The nature of momentum is cumulative. Energy added now combines with energy added in the past. The result is that the impact of momentum can be negligible for a long time, then come to the surface and be a very visible issue suddenly. 

My thoughts on momentum for 2011 are basically three fold.

First, I'm ready for the energy I have put in to various and numerous situations in which I have been involved to come to the surface and be visible. There are so many situations where I have added my energy in a way or direction that so far isn't visible or obvious. My energy is good and right (for the most part), and I am ready to experience the result of the momentum I have created in and around my life over the past few years.

A lot of people should be scared shitless of this very thing in and around their lives. So many people add nothing but negative energy to that with which they have to do. Jealousy, bitterness, bigotry, prejudice, anger and covetousness are negative forces in the Universe and the human condition, and they are not unnoticed by the principles of momentum.  But that's not my laundry, and I'm nobody's judge.

Second, I think the Universe is ready to support my first thought. It seems like it's time for a little reaping what we've sown, individually and corporately. I have a sense that this process has already begun, but will continue in earnest in 2011. I just have a sense that there is too much energy in the world with too little impact. I think we have already started to see things ramp up in 2010, and we better hold on to our hats in 2011. Again, personally I welcome that. Others should probably be terrified.

Third, we better learn about momentum and use it intentionally. Thinking in terms of short term pleasure or short term gain at long term expense, or short term benefit at the expense or demise of someone else is disastrous. We've gotten away with it too long. It's time for the laws of momentum to kick in and teach us a better way of looking at life.

So let's put on a sense of awareness concerning momentum this year. Let's change the world of tomorrow by adding positive energy today. We will all benefit from the process. Let's make 2011 the year that we intentionally, for the sake of the momentum it creates, forgive others, do good deeds for those less fortunate, be thankful for the good things we have in life and learn to love people around us in practical, measurable terms.

WOW! I Can See My Desk In FOUR Places

The most amazing thing just happened. I was sitting here working my fingers to the bone, listening to Sammy Nestico music on Pandora, uploading inventory to the web services we advertise through, getting November's books to the accountant, and a hundred other things. Suddenly I looked up and realized I could actually see the top of my desk! I can't remember when was the last time that happened. That's exciting.

OK, it's not that exciting, and for those who don't identify with Sammy Nestico, I'm sorry for you.

But I'm supposed to be right in the middle of my annual exercise of putting this year to bed and getting my ducks in a row for next year. I'm finding that process very difficult to get started this year for some reason. I never have trouble doing this, but this year for some reason is harder.

Maybe it's because this has been such a good year to begin with. I hope next year the momentum just continues. Bring it on!

Maybe it's because three long term, problematic issues in my life have been resolved already this year. I don't really need to do anything else to them.

Maybe it's because I'm just busy. We're busy at work, buying, selling, doing what we do. And we're expanding our facilities so we can do more of it. Things are crazy busy, and I'm lovin' it.

Maybe it's because I have a blog now, and have an avenue to say what I think without worrying about whether someone else gives a damn. Thanks, David, at least for that.

Maybe I'm just getting old. Seems like I've been doing a whole lot of second guessing myself for the past 18 months or so. Second guessing how I've spent my professional life, who I've invested myself in, why I am where I am. I've felt like a 22 year old in a 47 year old body. Can anyone say 'mid life crisis?' Maybe I have been through that, and now it's almost over. I feel more like myself now than I have in recent months, and I've pretty well passed my second guessing tests. My life's not perfect, but I've done OK with the hand I've been dealt.

Overall, I am more at peace, happier, more fulfilled, more energetic, more thankful. more excited about the future and more enthusiastic than I have felt since, probably, 2002.

This feels good and I don't want to screw it up my thinking about it too much. (But I'm sure I will think about it too much anyway. It's just my nature. I wouldn't be me if I didn't.)

The one word I want to take into the new year is MOMENTUM. Continue and Continue to increase. Ready? Let's Go!

A Gay Christian's Math Part 7B The Answer

"He is the Lord. He reigns on high. He is the Lord.
He spoke into the darkness. Created the light. He is the Lord.
Who is like unto Him never ending in days? He is the Lord.
And He comes in power when we call on His name. He is the Lord. "

So, the question is, "How do I make the call of God relevant to the 40 year old gay party boy who has nothing to show for his life except how much alcohol he has consumed and how many guys he has fucked, and is completely comfortable with his destiny to grow old, fade to black and enter the void?"

Before I answer the question, for the record, I don't like the answer. I want a better one. I want a more effective one. I want one that works every time, like 8+5 always equals 13. I want God to stop hiding behind the clouds, stand up and be God. I want Him to move in power, and show the whole world who He really is and what He can do, in an undeniable, irrefutable way. Bring on the fire from heaven, the miracles, turn on the light and drive out the darkness. He is not God for nothing.

He's done it before. Ever read the story of Saul who became Paul and wrote 2/3 of the New Testament? Remember Elisha's servant whose eyes were opened and he was able to see that there were more with them than there were against them? What about Danial's time in the furnace or the lion's den?

But alas, God is not a circus elephant. He's not going to spend eternity proving to barflies that He exists. Besides, the circus elephant stuff didn't work with the people of Israel in the old testament.

And so I defer to His wisdom.

His wisdom is that He gives us the Christmas star. He holds out before us the possibility of something better than the void. Like the wise men, we can walk toward it day by day. In the manger, He shows us that He is not here to pick a fight with us. He comes in peace. He shows us there is hope.

His wisdom is that He gives us His life. He shows us the Father, His math, His worldview. His love. He shows us that each of us has value beyond description, whether we see ourselves that way or not. In the beatitudes, he compares our thinking to His, and His is better. In the garden, He calls us friends not slaves, and teaches us that in Him we have life, peace and intimacy with God, and a destiny that is good.

His wisdom is that He gives us His death on the cross, on which is nailed every wrong thing in history from the beginning of the world until right now - as well as all of the excuses we hide behind for our own choices and bad decisions. Life is about what is right and good and pure. That which is wrong and evil and dirty is nailed to a tree.

His wisdom is that He gives us a resurrection. A new life with new terms. He gives us Baptism and the Eucharist to remind us of what we now stand for, and who we are in Him.

His wisdom is that He gives us a Helper to show us what is good and teach us all wisdom. He gives us an advocate with the Father who knows our weaknesses. He gives us His word, His name, His faithfulness, and a zillion other things that I should list but this post is too long already.

Somehow, this has to be good enough. God has made His case for mankind through the birth, life, death and resurrection of Christ. And He has presented us with a simple choice. For those who choose to believe it, he gives the power to be His children. For the rest, there's the void.

I know from experience, it's a hard thing to give your all for a long time, only to be told that you're not good enough. It's even harder when that which is good enough turns out to be so much less than what you are. I guess, in His infinite wisdom, God is comfortable with this situation. I guess I agree with Him.

But a good old fashioned fireball from heaven would still be fun now and then.

A Gay Christian's Math Part 7A The Real Question

"In the end, we all fade to black and enter the void."

All of the math posts thus far can be summarized by one contention:

The rift between the gay world and the christian world has no substance whatsoever.

Conservative Christian condemnation of homosexuality is based on error, and the backlash against Christianity from the gay community is understandable, but distracting and counterproductive. All of the ballyhooing from one side about 'protecting family values' and the "Out and Loud" rebellion from the other side is just a bunch of noise. Underneath all of the noise, there is no inherent, fundamental, factual basis for the conflict between Christianity and homosexuality. I think the math supports this contention, so if you disagree, please do so in context. If I'm wrong, show me where.

With other societal conflicts (i.e. socialism v. capitalism) there are valid, fundamental reasons for the conflict and differences of opinion that have substance. The debate between the two is an honest one. There are advantages and disadvantages to either perspective. But the conflict between Christianity and the gay world is only smoke. There is no fire.

The noise is loud, the smoke is thick and the passion on both sides is genuine and deep. Collateral damage done to individuals, families, churches and our culture overall is measurable and pronounced. In the midst of the fog, one question remains, and seems impossible to answer:

Why does the gay world need God anyway?

At some point, married, straight guys want and need to be good fathers and husbands. They want to be successful in whatever it is they do so that their wives and families will be proud of them and so they can provide the quality of life they desire for those they love. They want to preserve or sometimes change their family tree, and hand off to the next generation a better world than their parents left to them.

There is an evolution in the human condition, a maturing process, that takes a 19 year old college kid party boy and makes him a responsible, productive adult. Usually this process involves falling in love with a girl who the guy knows is the greatest thing that ever happened to him, followed by children, which the guy knows is the greatest privilege and responsibility life could possibly offer.

Not everyone makes it through this process, and many marriages end in divorce and children are raised in a different environment than the one into which they are born. But the point is that the motivation is there. And the Christian worldview addresses the motivation precisely and effectively. The party boy of ten years ago is transformed by the teachings of Christ, and the son becomes the dad and the baton is passed and the cycle of life, love, godliness and wisdom continues from one generation to the next.

At some point, most straight guys feel the tug of a higher calling, a need to be more than a shallow, drunk, sexually liberal, self centered party boy. What about gay guys?

Why does the gay world need God anyway?

The issue isn't whether God loves or accepts gay guys. The issue isn't whether church or the rest of the world at large accepts homosexuality. The issue is how to get the gay world to recognize and want the higher calling that Christ represents.

The decision to believe in Christ is a life changing decision. The decision is made once, and the rest of one's life is spent walking out that decision. It's not easy, and (sorry Baptists) success in the journey is not automatic. It involves work, sacrifice, study, effort and a willingness to see life as fundamentally different than it was before the decision was made.

Like the wise men, who left their own country and followed the star to Bethlehem, found the baby King and worshipped him, each of us has the opportunity in this life to perceive, discover and worship the creator of the universe, the source and substance of all life. We are all, gay and straight, invited to participate in the higher, deeper, eternal, meaningful dimension of life found in intimacy and fellowship with the Father of it all.

Now, the question is, "How do I make that calling relevant to the 40 year old gay party boy who has nothing to show for his life except how much alcohol he has consumed and how many guys he has fucked, and is completely comfortable with his destiny to grow old and eventually fade to black and enter the void?"

A Gay Christian's Math Part 6

"Lucy! You got some 'spanin to do!"

Of the roughly seven and a half billion people on the planet, roughly seven and a half billion of them have some reason to be mad at God. In my conversations  with people who have a grudge against God, I've pretty much found that their reasons are valid. All kinds of shitty things happen in and around humanity, and if God is All Powerful, All Knowing, Always Present, loves us the way the bible teaches that He does, and if He is the Deliverer, Healer, Father and Savior that He claims to be, ...

Well, He's got some explaining to do.

Frankly, Christianity, with all 2,000 years of devout study, doesn't really have a good explanation (in my opinion). I don't want to get into the details of the, "If God is God, why do bad things happen to good people?" question just now (if anybody needs me to, I guarantee you that I am capable, it's just not where I'm headed at the moment). But I want to acknowledge the question as part of my Gay Christian math.

And I want to make two rather bold assertions concerning the issue:

First, It Doesn't Matter. God is God whether I approve of Him or not. He is not going to abdicate His position just because I don't like him. My negative attitude toward Him can and will keep me from understanding anything having to do with Him and from experiencing the benefits He offers, but it will not impact Him in any way.

I know that is a cold, mathematical premise, and doesn't address the heartache and pain that so many people have endured. I also know that the issue of being mad at God must be transcended before we can experience relief or resolution to the seemingly meaningless, painful events of life. I know that the latter is a process, not an event, and I think I can help with that process.

Second, God Is Not Uncomfortable With This Conundrum. He overcame it with Job, Habakkuk, Jonah and Jeremiah in the old testament. He can overcome it with you if you'll let Him. Hint: Keep in mind that the issue for a blind man is not, "Why am I blind?" it is, "How can I see again?" The issue for a slave is, "Where is Freedom?" God is a God who heals the hurts of His people, and makes broken hearts whole again. He has done that for countless others throughout history. He is competent to do that for you too. Being mad at Him or demanding answers to the 'Why' questions are only distractions to that process.

The gay world has for years been aggressively attacked by the very people who should have been reaching out with His love. I understand that. I understand that the gay community as a whole legitimately hates the Christian community and, by extension, the God that it is supposed to represent. I get it. The demonizing light in which the gay community has been portrayed is a social and religious injustice, and should never have happened. I agree wholeheartedly.

Now, let's move beyond that. Let's transcend it, and go forward. It is less than a week until Christmas. Let's see if we can make Christmas happen all over again.

Of Fathers and Gay Sons

"The story you're about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent."


OF FATHERS AND GAY SONS

There once was a father named Ray

Who found out his son, Chris, is gay.

He shouted and stammered and threw a big fit,

Let’s just say it ruined his day.

"What did I do? Where did I go wrong?

We never raised you this way!

We taught you what’s right. We showed you the Light.

How dare you turn out to be gay?!”

Now Chris is ashamed and embarrassed.

He’d tried so hard not to be careless.

And now all is lost. His father, the cost.

His life slipped from scary to hopeless.

"What can I do now? Someone show me how

To be what he wants me to be.

I’ve tried and I’ve prayed. These feelings have stayed.

There’s no way for me to be free.”

Two MGD's, One Shot of Crown and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

I thought I'd go out last night for my usual: A couple of beers and a shot of Crown Royal. I like being out and among 'em now and then at the gay bars. The 'thump-a thump-a" music is like a brain massage, and the recipe above is a great prescription for a really good night's sleep. (I know, any real gay boyz that read this are thinking, "What a lightweight! I drink that much in the car on the way to the bar!" Well, to each his own. I can have a great evening for less than $10. How about you?)

I especially like going out on Thursdays. The crowd is pretty thin (tons of people crowded into small spaces makes me crazy). But there were enough guys out to provide some pretty good eye candy. I can't see that well, so everyone is somewhat cute from a distance. Since the two-thirds of them that have jobs have to work tomorrow, nobody's too drunk. Everybody is just chilling, enjoying the atmosphere and each other's company. I'm not very pretty, and I'm old enough to be completely invisible. Plus gay guys are as cliquish and wary of outsiders as churchy people. I'm not part of any of the cliques at the bar (or church), so I stand around taking everything in.

Of course I'm always on the lookout for one of those three minute conversations that can change the rest of one's life. I've had several of those over the years, and some really good friendships started that way. Some people you just instantly connect with. My chances of finding such a connection at a bar is about like my chances of finding a partridge in a pear tree, but I don't believe in coincidence, and the Universe might actually arrange for my next best friend to be at the Park on some Thursday.

But mainly, I just relaxed, had a drink, people watched and enjoyed the music. So long as I stay shallow, and don't let my thoughts wander toward the people who live there every night, I have a good time.

Turn on the Lights and Lighten Up!

"Take it in stride, and enjoy the ride."

It seems like my last few posts have been a little heavy or deep. Usually I am too heavy and deep. It's hard for me to be shallow. I'm not sure why, I'm just not a shallow person. I think it's too much work or something.

But just now, meaning for the past few months, I am in a relatively shallow season for a change. I don't feel heavy or deep. I feel light hearted and happy, and I want to enjoy some of the things in life that just taste good, that are just fun.

The math I've been throwing on my blog lately isn't new to me. I did the hard work on it years ago. Presenting it in this format is a little strange, but not heavy or challenging. Work is busy, I still have plumbing issues going on, there's not enough money to go around, I lost a valued friend to the abyss (if I ever really had one), and life is still happening like always. But I'm sort of taking it all in stride and enjoying the ride.

Tonight I had the pleasure of enjoying a Christmas concert. And I really enjoyed it: the music, the people, the meaning, the season, the whole thing. I think tomorrow I'll go enjoy a beer or two. Maybe I'm learning to lighten up and relax. If so, that's a lesson I am eager to practice successfully!

A Gay Christian's Math Part 5 and a Half

"I'm going to hell anyway. I might as well take the scenic route."

Previously, I discussed how Romans 1 shouldn't be used as a stand alone means of condemning anyone. But the issues raised in my last post have another side. In fact, all of the math I have shared so far has been to help Christians understand how things are from a gay perspective. To summarize: I don't believe --

• That God would have me live a lie and try to marry a girl when I know I'm gay.
• That being gay is in and of itself an abomination.
• That being gay is a choice, an intentional decision, which is a criteria for sin.
• That the only options a gay man has are to either lie or be alone.

Further, I don't believe Christians should believe these things either. I understand that straight, conservative Christians don't have to think through these issues the way I had to. Hopefully, they are starting to, just because it's the right thing to do. I hope some of them will study my math, and understand the gay world's situation better, but whether they do or not, they'll be OK.

The bigger problem lies with the gay community itself. I contend that the gay world puts more faith in the religious condemnation of homosexuality than Christians themselves. They've adopted the mindset that God (if he exists) hates them anyway, so they have nothing to lose. It doesn't matter what they do. They can't win, so they might as well lose with a party. God, and anything that is tainted with the smell of it, is irrelevant and offensive.

If I'm out of bounds anyway, then boundaries don't apply to me. There is no incentive to respect the boundaries of morality or godliness. If God hates me, and God is love, then love is not real to me. God is not real to me. I have to find something else to live for. And every evil thing in the world offers itself as the answer. And none of these things are enough. And Romans 1 becomes the status quo. And dead minds, souls and bodies become the only reality there is. This is exactly the kind of death that Christ came to save us from.

There is a better way. Christians know it already. The gay world is not excluded from it, but has believed the lie that they are ineligible to participate in it. They've pretty much rejected the whole notion of it, and are experiencing the consequences of buying a lie.

With the fanfare of the brightest star, and thousands of angels singing, Christ was born as a helpless baby in a manger suitable for goats, not people. He didn't come to condemn the world, but to show us the Father's love, and how real that love is. Where on earth could that kind of love have more impact than with a people group who has been falsely taught that it's not for them?

Fellow Christians! Stop Teaching That Crap!
Fellow Fags! Stop Believing It!

Fall Back, Spring Forward

"Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away... "

One of the End of Year tasks I have learned to dread is the annual (or so) trip back to my old world, to the company I worked with for thirteen years and supposedly owned half of. Without bitching any more about the circumstances of my demise or the people involved, I just want to say how glad, (happy, to be envied, thankful, joyful and content) I am to be living my new life and not that one.

That place is so dead the desk chairs should be replaced with slabs from the morgue. The atmosphere in the place is so negative, so slow, so lethargic it depressed me (and made me mad).

I am really not a bitter person! But now and then, I bounce off of bitterness like a bad check. Amazingly, it almost always happens the same way. First, with the realization that I don't want to be where they are now. I don't want to think like them, be like them, associate with them or be considered a part of them. I think it was providential that I was set free from there these six years ago, and I think had I stayed around there, I would be as negative and dead as they are. I'm not the type of person who would ever have given up on them. The only way out for me was for them to kick me out.

Today, in that old office with people I genuinely loved and respected, all I could feel was pity for them. They've turned the place into a pathetic thing - the inside out, upside down version of what I wanted it to be. I even gave a book to the guy who I trained, mentored and loved. The book says all of the same things I used to say to him every day. It's a great book. But I fear it's already in File 13. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I wanted to cry.

Finally, I am sincerely grateful for the life I have now. Now I work with family, with people who are unafraid and excited about reaching out and trying new ventures. Success breeds success just like depression is contagious. My new company is the place I need to be, and I am proud of it.

I hope that today will propel me forward in life like a rock is propelled forward by being pulled back in a sling shot. But tonight I feel drained and dirty.

Wildfire !! Call 9-1-1 FAST!

"Dr. Please Help. There's a plumber in my ass!"

Isn't it amazing how one can be going about the goings on in life and all's well. Christmas is almost here, it's end of year time at work, life is busy and exciting and then...

One of the good things that happened this year is that I've managed to rent out my old house that I can't sell or get out from under. I rented it this summer to my nephew and his friends, and that went OK. They're done with it now, so I rented the house out again to someone else. I found a really great couple who can see possibilities where I see problems with that place. They moved in last week and all's well.

The gas company comes out to read the meter and switch the billing to the new guys. How hard can it be? Read the damn meter, write down the damn numbers on your damn piece of paper and start a new bill for the new residents. Not hard. Simple. Routine. Done every day - except the day before yesterday.

The gas company guy sees something he doesn't like. I wasn't there, and I have three version of what he said, none of which make sense. But everyone agrees on the result. Before the gas can be turned back on, a plumber has to look at it and bless it.

So, happy-go-lucky me calls a happy-go-lucky plumber. It's an $89 service call. He gets there and decides it has to be pressure checked and the leaks fixed. Now it's a $439 service call. It's an old house. Sure it leaks a little, but the house isn't a new air tight house and life goes on. Not with the City. Not with the plumber. We have to make the system hold 30 lbs of pressure (more then the tires on my car!) Natural gas pressure is typically 12 psi).

So the plumber decides there are too many leaks and wants $2000 to run four gas lines from where the gas comes into the house to the hot water tank (15 ft away), the furnace (8 ft away), the kitchen stove and the living room fireplace. Take it from a certified lunatic, this guy has lost his rabid-assed mind.

We settle on two gas runs to the hot water tank and the furnace. Now we're back to less than $1000. So he spends the rest of the day somehow (two lines, total of 25 ft) fucking with it, then calls me at 5:00 Friday and tells me that when he pressurized the new system he blew out the main line from the gas meter to the house.

Now what do I do? My new tenants don't have any heat, hot water or stove. The plumber is probably laughing his ass off at me for being such a sucker as he sits at home drinking beer. It's going to be 16 degrees tonight and 18 tomorrow night. The water pipes in the house are vulnerable to freezing. I have no idea how much more money this $89 service call is going to cost. And I don't have a clue where to go with it from here.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a bona-fide wildfire going on. Where's the fucking fire department?!!?!!

2010 Year In Review - Shout Outs!

"He gives marvelous comrades to me, the faithful who dwell in the land. "

I would very much like to draw attention to some very important people, organizations and events that have been pivotal in making 2010 such a fantastic year. In no particular order, please allow me to appreciate:

My friend Andy, who lives in Texas and comes to see me just when I need him most - at least it seems that way. I've known Andy for many years, and we've done some traveling, enjoyed some really good food, some fun times at Rich's and J.R.'s and other places in and around Houston, some parties like Jungle and Bunnies on the Bayou that are pretty outside of my normal circle, a hell of a lot of talking and a very valued friendship. Andy, I really appreciate you, and look forward to spending some good time with you next year.

My New Church, Expressions OKC has been a Godsend. Several thoughts come to mind, each worthy of their own post on my blog, so I will promise to expand on this later. For now, I just want to thank Neil and Dean for creating this place. It is so great to go to a church that 1) Actually worships the same God I know without watering it down or attaching it to some non spiritual agenda, and 2) That I don't have to lie to be part of. I didn't know how badly I needed a church until I found one.

Several Christian friends/relatives I have come out to this year (and in the past few years). Granted, I've been selective with the 'I'm gay, do you hate me now?" conversation. I haven't really advertised. But the people in my life with whom I've had relationships at churches past, who I respect and admire, who are important to me regardless of anything else, these people are are always have been God's gift in my life. Telling them I'm gay is hard enough. Telling them I've lied to them for many years has been even harder. Christianity takes a lot of shit for being homophobic. But without exception, every christian friend I've let in has been supportive. (In fact, most of them had figured it out already, and all of them said something to the effect of, "I care about you because you're Terry, and I always will.") Thanks, guys.

Your Texas Rangers had an outstanding year, just like I did. And I love baseball. I started watching the Rangers a couple of years ago. Channel flipping, I tripped over the Rangers playing Detroit, losing, like 19-0 or some crap. Ian Kinsler was batting, and he looked like he was actually trying hard to hit. He's cute to start with, and win or lose, these guys in the MLB are living their well deserved dream. So I started watching the Rangers occasionally, and learned the players. This summer I watched many of their games. Watching a good baseball game is therapeutic for me anyway. I have developed some real respect for Josh Hamilton (can anyone say 'Home Run Derby?'), Michael Young, Ian, Chris Davis, and several others on the team. Unlike most NFL or NBA athletes, these guys seem like really good people all around - people that it would be fun to go have dinner with now and then. They did really well this year and exceeded everyone's expectations except their own. I really identify with them just now for some reason, and very much enjoyed baseball season. [insert antlers and claw here]

 Pastor and Farmer Charles Simoonga is a native farmer and pastor in a remote part of Zambia, Africa. The website tells his story. Here is a wonderful, committed, outstanding person who could be making tons of money working for the 'white man's' European owned farms who has instead chosen to start his own farm that supports an orphanage, school, and health care clinic in a part of the world that has basically nothing. In my life, Charles is the instant cure for any kind of self-pity. Whenever I think too much about any problem in my world, I remember walking through the villages of Zambia with Charles and I am immediately reminded that I have never, ever had any problems compared to those folks. And in the midst of that, Charles is always happy, enthusiastic, driven, excited and full of love for his people. When I think of him and his goings on, I am ashamed to be upset about anything in my world. I am encouraged to be like him. I am thankful to have had a role in helping his accomplish all that he has done. And I am humbled by Gods Grace and Providence concerning my life. Check out the website and give him lots of money!

A really nice, cute guy I met at Fritz's Gay Sports Bar in Boston during the Rangers' playoff game against the Yankees became my first and so far only one night stand. (I know, Christians aren't supposed to do that.) It's not like I want to live my life this way, but that night was really special. We met and talked about real estate for an hour, had a nice dinner and too many Grey Goose martinis. Thanks for thinking I am attractive (you're about the only one). Thanks for being an all around good guy that I could immediately like and connect with. Thanks for the overview of Boston real estate, gay life in Boston, and a very enjoyable, memorable evening.

Wow. This post is getting really long. And I'm not done yet. I may have to do another one later. But for now, a heartfelt "Thank You". You made my year better, and I appreciate you very much.

A Gay Christian's Math Part 5

"their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened"

It's time to face down Romans 1, and what I find to be a difficult issue all by itself - even without the gay factor. Romans 1 was not written to condemn anyone. It just tells us how things are without Christ, or at least a sense of intentional creation with a purpose at large and a purpose and plan for each of us specifically. Left to our own desires and appetites, we make a mess of life. Like the universe around us, we tend to decay individually and corporately into 'unintelligence'; a state of un-human-ness, if I can borrow a page from Sarah Palin and invent a word.

In other words, we're not very good at math.

The problem with each of us being the center of the universe (the result of a self centered, pleasure driven worldview) is that the universe essentially becomes so small it can only contain oneself.

The Cause/Effect (read: wrath of God) nature of the Universe outside of this worldview makes the worldview itself untenable.

The result is the disaster described in Romans 1.

The solution is a worldview expressed in the remainder of Romans, which basically is faith in a God who created us and works in and around us throughout our lives to bring us into an eternal relationship with Himself.

God, that sounds churchy. How about this? A worldview that makes me bigger than myself and makes my impact and influence on the universe more important than my own pleasure. A worldview that allows me to be an integral part of something much more important, much more permanent than I could ever be in and of myself. A worldview that gives me a destiny other than dying some tomorrow in the not too distant future.

Romans 1 used outside of that context is erroneous. Period. Nothing there stands alone, but only introduces the doctrine of grace through faith, motivated by love and mercy of God. Romans is about justification, righteousness and transformation, not about condemnation.

In other words, Romans is about a better way to live. Better than what? Better than Romans 1. And Romans is not just about a philosophical, theoretical worldview. It is also about doing the math to make that worldview a reality. It is about being transformed by the renewing of our minds.

What does all of this have to do with a gay man who loves God and wants to find someone to share his life with?

Nothing.

2010 Year in Review

"Success is a journey, not a destination."
2010 has been an outstanding year. Last year about this time, I made a list of things I would like to see resolved in 2010. Several long-term items have been addressed this year, and I am thankful. Here's an overview:

• I found a church that I really like, and I don't have to lie to be a part of. I'll write a 'shout out' post about Expressions OKC later. It's been a long time since I was part of a church I am proud of.
• The IRS is off of our back at work. I wrote about this a little earlier. This has been going on for three years, and it was time for it to be concluded. And, I won. Perfect.
• I have an extra house (long story) that has been a problem since 2006. I can't sell it for enough to pay off the mortgage, I can't afford the payments, utilities, insurance, etc. And until this year, I haven't been able to rent it or figure out how to get our from under it. I finally found a way to rent it for most of the mortgage, and at least for now, the problem is contained.
• My social life was at an all time low. I needed to make some new friends, get involved with some new organizations, reach out more and reconnect with some of my life long friends I've let get too far away.
• I had a wonderful vacation in Boston. But more importantly, I think I have found a place where I could live and enjoy life without driving if my eyes get worse (they're all screwed up, and have been my whole life). Living in Oklahoma is just not feasible without a car. Not so in Boston.

It doesn't seem like much of a list when I write it like that. I could write for days and still not express how great I feel about all that has happened this year. There is more to be done, and I look forward to 2011. But 2010 has just been a banner year for me. I feel lighter, more alive, more enthusiastic and more confident than I have felt in many years. It is a really good thing just to be happy for a while!

The Verdict: I Bought A Fraud - And Loved It

"Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. "

As the year winds down, I begin to coagulate the events of 2010 into snapshots or sound bytes that will encapsulate them as 'history'.  There's nothing special about the end of the year, except it's as good an opportunity to do this exercise as any other. But now and then, it's healthy to take some of the issues floating around one's life and consolidate them into digestible, disposable (or not) packages - like a CD or DVD - that can be stored, thrown out, recalled later if desired or forgotten completely.

But the main point of the exercise is to take those issues out of play; To stop the circular thinking, the 'what if' scenarios, the self-searching and the questioning of every action involved. To resolve them and graduate from them as one graduates 5th grade. To mitigate damage and count up the losses (if applicable). To keep whatever real value remains and drop the rest like a horse drops balls of shit.

There is an unavoidable verdict concerning a certain situation that I should have finalized way hack in 2004. I didn't do it because I didn't want to. I didn't like the math. I didn't want the verdict. But it is what it is. What I thought I saw in 2001 turned out to be nothing more substantial than Dust in the Wind. I let the situation rest for five years, from 2006 to 2010. What I know I saw in 2004 (and dismissed as illusion) is the only reality I can find in 2010.

For the record, I really did love the fantasy of 2001. I bought the fraud completely with a good heart, and it changed my life. It opened my eyes and mind  to an existence I never thought I would have, and I benefited greatly from the experience. I heard exactly what I wanted to hear, saw exactly what I was looking for and loved it completely.

But on New Year's Eve, when the rhetorical question is asked, "Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?", the verdict will be "Yes and Amen. So Let It Be".

Outside of this and the previous post on my blog, I've had a fantastic year. I will henceforth turn my attention to the really great and wonderful things that happened in 2010.

Working at a Job I Actually Love

"I've been workin' on the railroad, All the live long day..."

I know so many people who hate their jobs. "Why do you still work there?" I ask. The answers never make sense to me. We spend a third of our lives at work. If we're not doing something that makes us happy, what are the chances we'll be happy in the rest of life? Zero!

If you're wondering, I keep up with the money at my brother's aircraft parts company. I do billing, paying bills, accounts receivable and a lot of other bookkeeping tasks.

So you're next question should be, "How on earth can that make you happy? Sounds dull and boring."

Well, you're right. The task oriented part of any job is dull and boring.

What's exciting about my job is that we've managed to build a world class parts company around a certain airframe. We ship parts all over the planet. It started from nothing, and in just 9 years is one of the leading companies in our circle. We're changing the destiny of our family tree (I don't have kids, but my bro has six.)

I have a role to play here, and have always played since the inception of the company in 2001. I've been a part of every major decision, and am part of the team that keeps this thing going. Every check I write, every payment I process, every sales call I take, every task I do moves the company higher up and farther in. It's an exciting place to be and I am proud of it.

The last company I worked for was a software company that I (supposedly) owned half of. I never could really sell the concepts above to the people who worked there. Most of them hated working there, but didn't know what else they could do that paid so well. Things fell apart six years ago over there, I needed to leave.

If I was to talk to those guys, about all I have to say is $24,101,233. That is my new company's sales number from July 27, 2004 through July 26, 2010. And I would tell them to go find something to do with their lives that makes them happy. (And I'd tell a couple of them to kiss my chocolate-covered-cherry flavored ass).

From Thankfulness to Joy

" ‘tis the season to be Jolly … "

Well, it’s December already. I love December for several reasons. Yeah, there are Christmas presents and time with family, lots of food and fun. And don’t forget office parties, end of year reporting, and a whole lot of extra work to do. December is by definition a very busy month.

I deal with the busyness and extra work. But what I really enjoy about December is the Joy it represents. November represents Thankfulness, December represents Joy and January represents Renewal and Hope. This is how it has always been for me.

Since I am one of those who believes the Christmas story, Christmas represents the date that God presented Himself to man in a way that promotes intimacy and oneness. At Christmas, we celebrate Immanuel (God with us; revealed in us). Because of Christmas, we have the option to approach God as Father and Helper, not just a god to be feared and obeyed. God is God with or without Christmas. God is Abba (Father) because of the events we celebrate on Christmas Day. Joy is appropriate, and the season fills me with it.

December is also a time of reflection on the events of the year – and this has been a busy year. Some really good things happened this year, and a couple of not so good things too. As I look back to the goals I had for the year, and my expectations for 2010, I am in awe of what a fantastic year this has been for me personally.

Since my blog is as much of a journal or diary as it is a blog, I will likely document some of the milestones achieved this year in the not too distant future.