Wednesday, January 5, 2011

MIQ #1, Why Am I Gay?

"Sometimes the answer is, 'There is no answer'."

I admit to having trouble with this post. I think it's an important issue to deal with, but not for me. The weird thing is that of the two MIQ's, I spent a whole lot more time and effort on the second one than I did this one. But the second MIQ, "Why am I Christian", was the non-negotiable one. It's the one I wasn't ever willing to change.

If I ask myself, "Why am I too fat?", the answer implies the resolution. I'm too fat because I eat too much and don't exercise enough. The implied course of action is, "Move More, Eat Less." I have not found a valid answer to MIQ #1 that implies a feasible course of action.

But for the record, here are the broad stroke answers I researched and considered:

The religious/moral answer is characterized by words like sin, addiction, perversion, character defect, weakness. Their implied course of action is change the way I think. Make different choices. In extreme cases, these guys even came up with helpful programs to assist in the process. Shock therapy was used on gay guys who were shown pics of naked men and became aroused, then hit with the juice to 'teach' them that this thinking was wrong. Other disincentives like jail, mutilation, excommunication and even execution were and are used to teach society that the homosexual perspective is wrong. All it did was make people lie and be miserable.

The medical/psycho-babble answer is characterized by word like genetic difference, environmental anomalies, chemical imbalances, normal sexual development issues. The implied answer is expand the definition of normal, promote self esteem, accept yourself and distance yourself from those who will not accept you. All is well, there is no problem here. Nothing is wrong. This boils down to, "If you can't fix it, ignore it."

Of course the interaction and conflict between the two groups above, conducted mostly by straight people with no dog in the fight anyway, is pretty intense. They throw rocks at each other constantly, never knowing or caring that I'm caught in the middle.

The more I thought about this issue, the more disillusioned I became with both religion and science. The more I studied this, the more convinced I was that nobody had an answer that implied a resolution. The more I looked into these things, the more isolated, introverted, depressed, lonely and ashamed I became. I tried to walk away from the question completely, just to maintain my sanity. But the issue didn't go away.

Then I found my resolution. An event occurred that resolved the question for me powerfully, completely and instantly. But this post is long enough, so I'll write about it next.