" 'Why?' is almost never a valid question. But sometimes it has to be asked anyway. "
Well, I guess it's time for me to try to address what I think are the two MIQ's (Most Important Questions). They may not be the two most important questions in the universe, but in my life, they need an answer - or at least a resolution.
The first question is, "Why am I gay?" The second is, Why am I a Christian?"
The apparent mutual exclusivity in my life could be easily avoided by renouncing Christianity - or watering it down like others have so that Christ doesn't really stand for anything. Gay and otherwise, many people have decided that Christ isn't for them because of some theme and variation of, "He doesn't meet my expectations." If Christ loves everyone except me, then He really isn't Christ. It's not a hard trip, and many have made that jump with ease.
If I could take a drug, say a prayer, do a chant or dance or some pagan ritual, or borrow Harry Potter's wand and not be gay, I would do it in a heartbeat and never look back. Why would anybody choose this lifestyle? I would have made a good father, husband and little league coach (well maybe not a coach). I would love to have fallen in love with the girl of my dreams back in the early 80's, gotten married, raised two (but no more than that) beautiful kids and hummed the "Leave it to Beaver" tune for the rest of my life.
Whenever I fall in love, I fall hard - and forever. I would have been a faithful, competent partner. I would have worked hard to please, protect, cherish and be an asset to whoever I mutually connected with in that way. There's not a day that goes by that I don't long for that opportunity.
So why on earth did I have to spend my life to age 40 avoiding relationships with girls (so they didn't think the world was turning in a direction it couldn't possibly go), and avoiding relationships with guys (so I didn't turn in a direction I was taught is automatic rejection of everything I believed about Christ)?
And I do believe the Christian worldview. Completely. I value my relationship with Christ and all that He represents, and to this day will not give it up for sex or human love or anything else on the planet. I was 'saved' June 9, 1972, when I was 9 years old at Vacation Bible School. And I believed in it then. I grew up seeking the things of God, willingly and eagerly. I was baptized, and it meant something to me. Because of it I was different. Even in High School when others went out and did things I knew to be wrong,. I thought, "Sorry, I can't go there. I've been baptized, and that changes the rules for me."
Nonetheless, I have fallen completely and hopelessly in love with three guys in my life. Two are straight. One is a successful doctor, and I still love him completely. He has a wife and 4 kids, and as far as I'm concerned is the greatest person on the planet. The second is almost as great a guy, married with kid, and leading a wonderful life. The third is gay, and that story didn't end well at all. But I still love him.
I could write all night about how terrible, hurtful and difficult the conflict between God and Gay has been for me. I'm not bitching about my life though. I played the cards dealt to me as well as I knew how with a pure heart, and did not compromise in either direction. I always felt that it was better to be stuck in the middle of the conflict than it is to resolve it inappropriately.
If I have an objective in addressing the MIQ's, it is so that the next guy like me can have some assistance resolving the conflict before he is old and ugly, and can enjoy the benefits of a wonderful life, in the sight of God and in the arms of whoever his Eve turns out to be - even if it's Steve. I sure miss mine, and somehow I know that whoever he is, he misses me too.