"Top Secret sources in the back of my imagination have graciously provided me with the following unused draft of a statement to be presented at the news conference concerning the recent decision to ban audible farting by United States Marines in Afghanistan. The actual story is here."
Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen.
As you are no doubt aware, the United States Armed Forces has discovered that up to $360 Million in payments to local contractors in Afghanistan was improperly diverted to the Taliban and the insurgents we have been fighting with for almost 10 years. This situation is totally unacceptable to us, as we're sure it is to the American Taxpayer. The U.S. military has taken steps to ensure that this situation does not happen again.
These steps include better verification of the identity of local contractors, improved auditing and tracking of funds dispersed and investigation of the parties involved in such activity in the past. We are committed to stimulating the economy of Afghanistan just like we stimulated the Japanese economy through the "Cash for Clunkers" program two years ago. However, we did not intend, nor will we tolerate, these stimulus dollars to be used against us.
Our intention, in typical American tradition, was to buy the friendship and loyalty of local business leaders. It appears that, at least to some extent, our good intentions have been used to thwart our efforts to bring stability and peace to the Afghan people.
Further information provided by detailed study of the situation has revealed that more than money will be required to purchase the support and loyalty of the Afghan people. Apparently, they are afraid and repulsed at ordinary events that resemble gunfire. We have identified flagellation by certain armed marines as having a negative impact on our efforts to gain the trust and support of the people.
We immediately considered an outright ban on farting by all U.S. service personnel, however, we recognize that as Americans and human beings, we are bestowed with certain unalienable rights, including life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and the occasional passing of gas. We recognize that marines in particular could outgrow their uniforms, gear and even vehicles if the release of gas is forbidden across the board. We abandoned the outright ban on farting altogether.
At the same time, we have a job to do and a mission to accomplish. We cannot allow activities within our purview to interfere with or jeopardize that mission. This places the military leaders in Afghanistan in a very precarious position. And, after much thought and research, we believe we have come up with a tenable solution.
We have elected, effective immediately, to treat flagellation in the same way that gays in the military were dealt with for so many years in the past. We have resurrected and repurposed DADT. We are now requiring that all U.S. Marines serving in Afghanistan take whatever action is necessary to ensure that nobody else knows when, where or to what extent they participate in the activities of flagellation. We will not ask, and we expect our servicemen and women not to tell.
Officially, we do not recognize the importance or necessity of the subject activity. Furthermore, should our members participate in such activity in a manner that makes others aware of their involvement, disciplinary action will be pursued swiftly and vigorously.
Thank You